Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  ‘Sammy! What is it?’ Mum cried.

  ‘Uncle Sammy!’ Connie shouted.

  But I was already at the door. Slamming it closed, I sprinted down the street. I didn’t know where I was going but I needed to get out of there. The news was hard enough but that date? Three hundred and sixty five days in a year. Three hundred and sixty fucking five days. And it had to be that one.

  Chapter 34

  Jemma

  ‘It’s the right decision,’ Karen assured me as I re-read my text again and again. It was Sunday afternoon and we were in the kitchen diner at Bear’s Pad, catching up over lattes and a sneaky shortbread or three.

  ‘It’s not too soon?’

  ‘What’s time got to do with it? Scott cheated on you, abandoned you, begged forgiveness, then abandoned you again. If you’d started seeing someone that very evening, it wouldn’t have been too soon. Just send it, will you? Or I will.’ She tried to snatch the phone off me but my reflexes were too quick.

  ‘Seriously, Jem. It’s a no-brainer. I can tell you really like him and he’s obviously besotted with you. And he’s honest. He’s told you how he feels about you with no pressure to reciprocate it. You know he’s got no girlfriend hidden away. Send it!’

  I read the message once more, then grinned at Karen. ‘It’s gone.’

  ‘About bloody time too.’

  * To Sam

  How does Tuesday at 6pm sound for a consultation with my mum? And how does tonight at 7pm sound for a date with me? A proper one. I’m a bit scared at the thought of a new relationship but I know I can trust you not to hurt me like Scott did. Bear with me as I may be a little cautious, but I think there’s the potential for something that will be worth the wait xx

  An hour later, Karen had to go but I hadn’t heard from Sam.

  ‘He’ll get in touch,’ Karen said, hugging me at the door. ‘Stop worrying. He’s not going to have changed his mind overnight.’

  ‘He was going to his brother’s for Sunday lunch,’ I said.

  ‘There you go, then. He’s with his family. He’ll reply when he can.’

  I cleared away our mugs and made a cup of tea for Mum, which I took up to her workshop where she was finishing off the Ju-Sea Bear for the unknown customer. I checked on Sean. He was sprawled on his bed, game controller welded to his hands, and didn’t even glance at me. It was good to see him so relaxed. As horrendous as the confrontation had been with Mum last Sunday, it had managed to clear the air. Rachel’s client had been able to meet Mum’s needs and she’d already had her first counselling session. She’d returned home with a big smile on her face, saying that she thought it was going to make a huge difference.

  I left my phone in the kitchen in the hope that Sam would reply if I wasn’t constantly watching it. Housework would have been a great distraction, except our cleaner had been on Friday so there was nothing I needed to do. I curled up on the sofa and flicked through one of Mum’s teddy bear magazines but I barely registered the pictures. Sod it. I’d have to check the phone. My heart leapt when I saw that my tactic had worked. There was a text message and a couple of missed calls from Sam’s number. I clicked on the text first:

  * From Sam

  Hello Jemma. This is Sammy’s mum, Carole. I don’t mean to worry you but something happened after lunch and he ran out, leaving his phone behind. He’s not with you, is he?

  Oh my God! What on earth could have happened? I dialled his phone, which his mum immediately answered. She filled me in on the news that Jack and Millie were expecting another baby and how Sam had seemed fine until they’d told him the due date. ‘I swear it was like he’d seen a ghost,’ she said. ‘Next minute, he was out of the door and sprinting down the street. He left his phone behind.’

  ‘What was the date?’

  ‘21st May,’ Carole said.

  ‘Does that date mean anything to you?’

  ‘No. Nikki died in November and the wedding would have been June.’

  ‘Didn’t he meet Nikki in May?’

  Carole sighed. ‘Sorry, love, but I can’t remember.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure he did. I worked out that he’d probably met her about the time my dad died. Mind you, even if it was the date they met, why would that cause him to run out? It doesn’t make sense.’

  ‘Nothing makes sense at the moment. Jack and David – Sammy’s brother and dad – have taken the car and have been driving around the streets, but he could be anywhere.’

  ‘Have they tried the beach?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know. Do you think he’ll be there?’

  ‘He might be.’

  ‘Oh, hang on, love. They’re back. One second.’

  I heard the sound of car doors banging and muffled voices. Jamming my phone between my ear and shoulder, I pulled on my boots and coat.

  ‘Jemma, love, are you still there?’

  ‘I’m still here. Any news?’

  ‘No. He’s taken the campervan but he hasn’t taken any of his stuff. They can’t drive around forever. David and I will head home. Hopefully he’ll turn up there or at Jack’s soon.’

  ‘I’m going to the beach,’ I said. ‘I’ll let you know if I find him.’

  ‘Thank you. And I’ll let you know if he comes home in the meantime.’

  Mum said I could take her car, which reminded me that I hadn’t done anything about finding my own. Must rectify that.

  The light was fading as I approached North Bay. Another fifteen minutes or so and it would be in full darkness. The upside was that there were loads of parking spaces. I pulled into one, got out, and glanced along the stretch of spaces. The only campervans I could see were modern ones. My stomach sank, but I crossed the road anyway and headed towards North Beach Corner. Just because Sam hadn’t parked in the same place as me, it didn’t mean he wasn’t at the beach. There were plenty of other places he could have parked. I looked towards the sea. High tide. He wasn’t going to actually be on the beach, then.

  Pulling my bobble hat down over my ears, I power-walked past Blue Savannah, the ice-cream kiosk, and The Surf Shack. There were a few people out for a walk, some with dogs, but the promenade was predominantly deserted. I smiled to myself at one family brazening it outside a bright yellow beach hut, huddled on deckchairs, wrapped in blankets, nursing mugs of hot chocolate. Talk about making sure you got your money’s worth.

  I reached the end of the beach huts, which meant we were nearly at the point where the rock pools started. A cyclist whizzed past me in the opposite direction, and then I was alone. The path widened and curved around a grassy area with some benches on it. I’d hoped that Sam might be on one of those given that he couldn’t get onto the beach, but they were deserted. Crap. I’d been so sure that he’d head for the beach.

  It was properly dark now, although there was thankfully good lighting. I’d go as far as the corner by the Sea Rescue Sanctuary and, if he wasn’t there, I’d have to go home and wait it out.

  Feeling increasingly uncomfortable being alone in the darkness, I made my way to the corner, but to no avail. With a heavy heart, I turned back round and started to re-trace my steps. The sea wall was quite high at that point but there were stone steps going down to the sand, running alongside the wall so that anyone using them could hold onto a handrail built into the sea wall. I’d only seen the entrance to the steps on my way out, but I could see the steps descending ahead of me on my return trip. About six steps down, with his back against the wall, staring out to sea, was a figure. Sam.

  I watched him for a moment, wondering if he’d become aware of me, but he was clearly lost in his own world. Would he appreciate me invading his thoughts? Oh well, I’d soon find out. Descending a couple of steps, I sat down, shivering as the coldness of the concrete steps immediately permeated through my coat.

  Sam looked up, surprised. ‘Jemma!’

  ‘Looks a
bit cold for a swim,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve surfed in colder.’ He looked out to the sea, then turned back to me again. ‘How did you know I was here?’

  I shrugged. ‘I guessed. You left your mobile at your brother’s and your mum rang me. She was worried about you and wondered if you were with me which made me worry about you, so I drove down here hoping to find you.’

  ‘You succeeded.’

  ‘Only just.’ I cocked my head to one side. ‘What happened, Sam?’

  He sighed and tossed a stone into the sea. It plopped into the calm waters below. ‘I haven’t been honest with you,’ he said. ‘Or anyone else.’

  My heart skipped a beat. No! Not another one! Surely he didn’t have a family hidden away somewhere. I quickly dismissed my fears. He wasn’t Scott.

  ‘Go on…’ I encouraged.

  He continued to stare into the darkness. ‘The day it happened, I told you – and everyone else – that we were walking along the beach, chatting about our plans for the future. I said that we were talking about the wedding and some home improvements. That’s all true. We were talking about those things, but I never expanded on what the home improvements were and why. Nobody asked. Why would they? Who cared if we were upgrading the double-glazing or putting in a new kitchen. Except that wasn’t what we were planning. We were planning changes to the second bedroom.’

  Sam turned to me and I knew what he was going to say. Please, no. My eyes pricked with tears at the tragedy of it all.

  ‘She was pregnant. We’d had our first scan that morning. I didn’t just lose Nikki that day.’

  He crumbled and I quickly shuffled down the steps and wrapped my arms around him. I sat and held him tightly, the cold air freezing my tears, as he sobbed in my arms.

  ‘I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. It was so hard losing Nikki without losing a baby too. The staff at the hospital were sworn to secrecy. How could I tell her parents that they’d lost a daughter and a grandchild that day? So I put it in a box and closed the lid and have refused to think about it until today when they said the due date for Jack and Millie’s baby.’

  ‘Your baby would have been born on 21st May too?’

  ‘Of all the dates, it had to be that one. It was like the lid sprung off the box and the grief started pouring out again. I had to get out. They must be worried sick.’

  I rubbed his back. ‘They’ll understand, but you’re going to need to tell them. You know that, don’t you?’

  He nodded. ‘Nikki and I met on 21st May too. It seemed like the perfect date for our baby to be born. Just like having our wedding on her thirtieth birthday.’

  ‘The day you met was the day of my dad’s funeral,’ I said. ‘And the day you would have married was the day after my 28th birthday and Scott’s proposal.’ I don’t know why I said that. It probably had no relevance but, to me, it felt like another connection we had.

  ‘We’d been trying for two years and we’d pretty much given up hope of it ever happening. Then, suddenly, we had our little miracle and they were both taken away from me.’

  I hugged him more tightly and, although he didn’t try to move from my embrace, he felt stiff and uncomfortable in my arms. We huddled awkwardly on the steps, both staring into the water until the wind picked up and I shivered.

  He turned around. ‘You’re cold. We’d better go.’

  I wasn’t going to argue. I was nithered, and I also sensed that he’d needed to share his secret and had been grateful that I’d been there, allowing him to do that, but now he wanted to be on his own again to try to come to terms with it.

  ‘I didn’t see your campervan,’ I said, when we’d made it back onto the promenade.

  ‘I parked at the Sea Rescue Sanctuary. It’s closer. Are you on the seafront?’

  I nodded. An awkward silence settled around us and, for that brief moment, we felt like strangers.

  ‘I should probably get home so they stop worrying about me,’ Sam said.

  ‘Yeah. Me too. Sort some tea out for Mum and Sean if they haven’t had it yet.’

  ‘Can I walk you back?’

  ‘Don’t be daft. It’s not like it’s the dead of night. There’s lots of lighting and there are plenty of people around once I get to the corner.’

  ‘Then I’ll walk you to the corner.’

  So he did. In silence.

  I stopped by the grassy area. ‘See. Lots of people,’ I joked, indicating the five or six people dispersed along the full length of the promenade. ‘You get home.’

  ‘Thanks for being here.’

  I nodded. ‘I’m so sorry, Sam. Losing Nikki must have been devastating, but losing your baby too… I can’t begin to imagine what you went through that day and what you’ve been going through ever since.’

  ‘I thought I was okay. I really did.’

  ‘I know you did. I guess that box was never going to stay closed forever, was it?’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He raised his arm as though he was going to reach out and touch me, but he dropped it to his side again. ‘I didn’t blank it out, you know. I just… I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s happened today.’

  He looked broken. I wanted to kiss him and take his pain away, but it wasn’t right. ‘Go on. Get home. Tell your parents. Bye, Sam.’

  ‘Bye, Jem.’

  I turned away, feeling like I’d just lost him. Shit! The text.

  ‘Oh, Sam.’ He stopped and turned around, his shoulders slumped. ‘I sent you a text earlier. Ignore it. Delete it. Please.’

  ‘What did it say?’

  I shook my head. ‘It doesn’t matter. Just delete it.’

  Then I turned away and hurried back towards North Bay Corner, my heart breaking for him and everything he’d gone through and still was going through. What a tragedy.

  I sat in Mum’s car with the heating on full blast, tears dripping onto the steering wheel. It was over. It hadn’t even started and it was already over. He wasn’t ready after all, understandably so, yet I’d gone and taken that scary leap. I’d let him in and it had been too soon for him. Where did that leave me? Alone and heartbroken yet again.

  Chapter 35

  Sam

  I sat in Thor for a while, with the heating on full pelt, trying and failing to take the chill off my bones. I’d grabbed a fleece and a jacket when I’d got to Mum and Dad’s, but it clearly hadn’t been enough protection. I hadn’t been aware of the cold for the couple of hours I’d been on the steps, but now I was. My hands were blue, my feet were numb and I couldn’t stop shivering.

  Jemma must have texted Mum and Dad to say she’d found me because they were waiting on the doorstep as I pulled onto their street.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said as I got out.

  Mum rushed forward shaking her head. ‘Explanations later, Sammy. I’ve run you a bath.’ She grabbed my arm and ushered me inside where the central heating blanketed me. ‘I know you prefer showers, but I think you’ll need the heat. You must be frozen.’

  ‘I am. There’s something I need to tell you, though.’

  ‘Whatever it is, it can wait. You need to warm up. Then we can talk.’

  She’d been right about the bath. As my skin turned from blue to pink, I felt life seep back into me. I sank under the bubbles. Jesus! What had I been thinking of? Why hadn’t I told anyone? It was always going to come back and bite me on the arse in spectacular style. Instead of spending the year grieving for Nikki and our baby, I’d spent the year grieving only for her, and now I needed to come to terms with the second life that had been lost that day. As I’d said to Jemma, I hadn’t blanked it out or anything like that; I’d just refused to dwell on it. Why? Maybe the pain of losing Nikki was so acute that I couldn’t cope with the loss of my son or daughter too. There’d been moments, like on the beach in Kent with Jack on what would have been our wedding day, and last Sunday
on the beach with Jemma. On both those occasions, it was as though I’d lifted the lid of that box and peeked inside, then snapped it shut again. What a mess. And so it begins again…

  Mum cried when I told her about the baby, but insisted that, whilst she was sad about the loss of her grandchild, she was more upset that I’d faced it alone.

  She accompanied me straight round to Nikki’s parents’ house as she didn’t see any point in me getting worked up overnight about telling them. I knew they’d be upset, but I wasn’t expecting her dad to turn on me. An ageing hippy who regularly surfed, loved nothing better than a music festival, and wandered around in shorts and sandals in the winter, Zack was one of the most chilled men I’d ever met, so I didn’t recognise the man in front of me. Pacing up and down with his hands in his long hair, he shouted, he swore, and he hurled insults. He made it abundantly clear that I’d done the wrong thing and that they’d had a right to know so they could grieve. I sat on the sofa, head bent, feeling like a little boy who’d been caught stealing or smoking.

  Nikki’s mum, Hailey, shed a few tears but admitted that she wasn’t surprised by the revelation. Nikki had apparently asked her a few questions about pregnancy in the weeks running up to her death, which made her suspect that news was on the way. Zack then turned on her for not sharing that with him.

  ‘Zackary Webster!’ shouted Hailey. ‘Calm down and sit down before you have a heart attack and leave me with no family. Now!’ Normally placid and softly spoken, the commanding tone came as a bit of a shock to me. Zack clearly hadn’t heard her use it before either, given both his stunned expression and the speed at which he sat down.

  Hailey pointed to me. ‘That young man there has been to hell and back during this last year. He lost his fiancée and their baby with no warning at all. Can you imagine how that must feel? Not telling anyone about the baby was his decision and I’m sure he had his reasons. It wasn’t your baby, Zack. It was Sam’s and, now that you know, does anything change? No. Our daughter’s still dead and there’s nothing that any us could have done to change that. If you want to get angry with someone, get angry with whatever cruel force it was that took that beautiful girl out of our lives. Do not get angry with Sam and don’t you dare turn on me or you’ll be sleeping in the beach hut. Do I make myself clear?’