Beneath Our Faults

by Charity Ferrell

  The doorbell rang and I stopped at a mirror in the hallway double check my appearance. I wanted no evidence of tears while she was here. Taking in my reflection, I noticed the slight puffiness but I could easily blame that on lack of sleep. Shaking my hands, I ran them through my messy hair before opening up my front door. "Merry Christmas!" I greeted, in a fake voice.

  Tessa's bubbly face lit up. "Merry Christmas to you, too,” she said, hugging me. "God, it seriously feels like we haven't seen each other in forever." The last time I saw her was at the hospital a few weeks ago, but since then, we’d talked on the phone a few times.

  "I know," I agreed. "Come on, I have a surprise for you.” I grabbed her hand and marched us down the hallway into the kitchen.

  "Whoo, you know how much I love surprises.” We were both trying too hard. Our friendly banter just seemed too … forced.

  She smiled when we reached the kitchen. "Gingerbread houses!" She squealed, grabbing one of the boxes and jumping up. Every year, since we were tiny tots, Tessa had always come over and we would decorate gingerbread houses together. As much as I wanted to hide under my blankets until the holidays were over, I had to do something special for her to make up for my sucky bestfriendism.

  She pulled out a chair, sat down and started opening up the box. "How have you been?" I asked, grabbing our mugs and holding one out to her.

  "Good," she muttered, taking the mug. "Better."

  "You look better.” I wasn't lying, either. Her blonde hair was back in its long, loose curls and she looked like she was actually eating again.

  "Thanks," she smiled. "I can't believe I even let myself get that way. Ugh, it was so embarrassing."

  "We all had our own ways to cope with losing him," I reminded her, breaking apart my walls and roof. Okay, Dr. Daisy, I probably needed to learn how to take my own advice sometimes.

  "Yeah, but mine was stupid," she replied, taking a small sip of the cocoa. "Dawson has been forcing me to go to therapy and I mean, literally forcing. The pain in my ass comes up to my room, drags me out of bed and drives me to my appointment."

  "Seriously?" I asked, eyeing her warily. Dawson? Since when did they get so close?

  Her hand went up. "That's not even the worst of it. When we get there, he actually sits in the waiting room until I'm finished to make sure I don't leave." She shook her head but I caught the smile on her face. "It's definitely helping, though. I even convinced my parents to come to a session with me, which was huge." Her eyes got big at the last word.

  "I'm happy for you, Tess," I said. "Is there something going on with you and Dawson?"

  "No way," she said, unable to look me in the eye.

  "Shut it, skanker. I want the truth and nothing but the truth," I demanded, laughing. The old Daisy and Tessa was surfacing and I loved it.

  "Ugh, I don't even know if there is something going on between the two of us. It's just so weird." She sighed. "You pushed me away because all I did was remind you of Tanner and he won't stay the hell away from me because I remind him of my brother."

  "And you don't like that?" Tessa had always had a thing for Dawson since he first moved to our school freshman year, but the dumbass couldn't keep his paws out of other girl's panties long enough to realize it.

  She scrunched her face up. "I don't know. I feel like so much changed, ya know? I have no idea what I want anymore or who I am," she paused. "But I know for a fact I would much rather have you around than him," she assured me, opening up the icing bottles.

  "Ha! Unless he is giving you orgasms, then you probably like him better," I joked, getting an eye roll in return.

  "No orgasms for me, thank you very much," sticking her roof on her walls. "Dawson told me what happened at the hospital between you two," she said, looking over at me and licking her fingers.

  I sighed. "I don't blame the kid for hating me."

  "Dawson doesn't hate you."

  I gave her a skeptical look and put some polka dots on my house.

  "Daisy, what you said hurt and pissed him off but he doesn't hate you. All four of us were inseparable for years and when we tried to help you lashed out at him," she explained.

  I exhaled. "I was a sucky person to him."

  She leaned across the table and took my hand. "He knows you didn’t mean it, trust me. Now, I want to hear all about this guy who brought you to the hospital."

  I blinked. "What?"

  "Dawson said this guy got all fired up when he was being an asshole to you. He said the guy jumped out of his seat all ready to beat his ass. God, I am so mad that I freaking missed it."

  "I see Dawson still has a huge mouth. Keegan is my neighbor."

  "Your neighbor? Omgosh, how romantic. It's like Friends!"

  I leaned back in my chair. "Did you not hear anything I just said? He's my neighbor and a friend. He found me upset in the hallway and offered to give me a ride." I shrugged my shoulders. "No big deal."

  "Riiiight, this guy made an eight hour drive just for a friend. Are you sure he didn't ask you if you wanted some dick with your ride?"

  I snagged a piece of candy from my house and tossed it at her. "Not funny."

  "What? It would be nice to talk to you about boys now that you're not banging my brother because you know I couldn't hear about that before. I mean, we shared a womb."

  I frowned at her aloofness. "I'm not ready to start dating yet.” Eventually, I knew the day was going to come. I wasn’t that damn naïve, but I needed it to be the right time and the right person. Sure, I did feel comfortable about Keegan and he never did bring up the night I shared my secrets with him, but I couldn’t see him doing the monogamous thing.

  “I have something for you,” she said, grabbing my hand.

  I followed her into my living room, our six-foot artificial tree brightly lit in front of the trio of windows at the front of the room. A large, silver star was perched at the top, reflecting the sunlight from the windows, and matching the ornaments hanging on the thick, green branches. Grabbing a match from the table, I threw it in the fireplace loaded with wood and watched the flames come to life.

  Tessa left the room, returning with an old, beat up shoebox. "We cleaned out Tanner's room last week and found this," she informed me, holding the box out to me. "I didn't know whether you wanted to keep them or toss it” I grabbed the box carefully from her hands and squatted down on the floor in front of the fireplace. I gasped when I opened up the cardboard lid. The box was filled with notes and I immediately recognized the handwriting on them as mine.

  I hadn't known Tanner kept all of these. "Did you read them?" I asked.

  "Uh no," she answered,. "Who knows what kind of freaky stuff you two were talking about in those things.”

  "We were in middle school!"

  "You never know. We also found a box of condoms, do you want those too?" She asked, sitting down beside me.

  "Tell me your parents didn't see them."

  "Yeah, my mom was shocked. She was somehow convinced the two of you weren't doing the deed and I think my dad was happy his son didn't die a virgin."

  "Tessa!" I cried out, smacking her arm.

  "What? I am beginning to practice celebrating the life of my brother, not just mourning his death."

  "Therapy?"

  She nodded.

  "Damn, does she provide you happy pills or something?"

  "Something like that." Her phone beeped and she glanced at it. "That's Dawson, he's here to pick me up." We brought ourselves up from the carpet and she turned to face me. "You promise to keep answering my phone calls?"

  I nodded in confirmation. "I promise. Tell Dawson I'm sorry."

  "I know you are." I jumped at the deep voice, whipping around to see Dawson standing in the entryway. "You know I can’t be mad at you for long," he elaborated, coming our way.

  "I was a bitch to you," I blurted out.

  "Yeah and I was an asshole to you at the hospital. Truce?" He held out his arms wide and I stepped forward to give him a hug.
<
br />   "Truce," I whispered into his chest and he gave my shoulders a squeeze.

  I waved goodbye to them as they walked out the door and clutched the box in my arms. I went to my bedroom and tipped it upside down, watching the paper float down to my bed. Sitting down, I unfolded each note carefully.

  After each note was read and reread a few times then folded back, I tucked the box under my bed and lay down. “I miss you,” I whispered into the emptiness of my bedroom and folded my arms around my pillow.

  THE FIRE was blazing and I kicked my legs out in front of me with my ass planted on my aunt's living room couch, nursing the fruit punch in my hand (spiked with vodka from the hidden flask in my pocket.) My aunt always went all out for her annual Christmas parties and that night was no exception. Everyone around me was dressed to the nines in their formal gowns and tuxes - including me. As much was I wanted to show up in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, my aunt would have had my ass if I didn't dress up for the damn thing. I did, however, go sans tie.

  A few girls tried to start a conversation with me but I had brushed them off. I wasn't sure what had been wrong with me lately. I wanted to convince myself that my anti-social behavior was the result of my mom bailing on me again this year, but it wasn't. Ever since Daisy opened up to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I’d never had someone trust me like she did that night and it felt good. What I wanted with our friendship and a potential hookup was now shifting into wanting something I’d never wanted before. Daisy didn’t make me feel the same way other girls made me feel. I liked being in the same room with her and her little irks didn’t annoy the shit out of me. No, when I was around her, she had my full attention and I always wanted more.

  The stiff couch dipped in as a warm body landed next to me. "Merry Christmas, asshole.”

  "Right back at you," I replied, taking a huge swig from my glass. "I would have given you a heartwarming name too, but I'm feeling in the holiday mood tonight so I'll be nice," I teased Cora. She had on a bright red dress that hit just above her knee with her hair in some weird looking bun on the side of her head. "And my aunt would most likely kick my ass if I ever said anything like that to you."

  "I know," she laughed, using the handle to spin the drink that I would bet my car was spiked too. We had both attended one too many of these parties to know we all needed alcohol to get us through them. Drunken parents would start arranging marriages and shit. "But that's not why I came over here."

  "And why is that?" I had known Cora since grade school and she knew all about my mom and family issues. I didn't like it, but I trusted her. She wasn't the type of person to go around and feed off someone else's problems.

  "I've noticed you've been getting close with Daisy," she answered, looking up from her glass.

  "You could say that," I answered vaguely, not sure where she was wanting to go with the conversation but hoping she wasn't about to tell me to stay the fuck away from her. Cora knew my history with girls. She had warned me off all of her friends because she'd witnessed me fuck over too many of them.

  Her mouth opened to talk but my aunt interjected. "Cora, honey, I want you to come here and meet a few of our family members who have just arrived. They can't wait to meet the future daughter-in-law I can't stop gloating about," she smiled, grabbing Cora's hand. My aunt looked gorgeous for her age. Her dark hair was in some up do and she was wearing a long, black gown that ran all the way down until it hit the floor. I admired the woman standing in front of me more than anyone.

  Cora nodded, mouthing "we will talk about this later" to me before walking away. With her gone, Gabby scooted closer to my side.

  "She's been through a lot, you know," she informed me softly, even though there was no one around us to hear. Thank you captain fucking obvious. We both knew Daisy had a long list of problems. "Be careful with her."

  I twisted my body around so I was facing her. "Daisy and I are just friends," I stressed. "There is nothing going on between us. She would never give a guy like me a chance, she needs one of those guys who snuggle and shit."

  "You're an idiot," she told me, slapping me upside my head. "People who are just friends don't look at each other like you guys do. It's obvious both of you have feelings for each other but are scared little pansies. Man up and do something about it."

  "You're insane," I mumbled, under my breath, stretching my arms out.

  "I’m right,” she corrected. “So you need to step up and do something. But if you hurt her, I will fuck you up,” she said.

  "Damn Gabby, when did you get so hardcore?"

  "I'm being serious, mean ass and you know Cora will be standing right beside me waiting for her turn," she replied, bumping me with her shoulder.

  "The mighty wrath of Cora," I joked.

  "I think you will be good for her. For some reason, she's the only person you're not an asshole to," she said, then stood up. "Just making sure you knew that, now maybe I'll find my own hot guy around this place," she laughed, walking away and leaving me alone with my thoughts of Daisy.

  "Hey there, handsome," a voice I knew too well purred from beside me.

  "What do you want, Piper?"

  "You've been ignoring me.”

  "I've been busy," I answered, taking a long drink. I was going to need more if I had to sit and deal with her shit.

  "Oh please," she snarled, "busy my ass. I know you've tried to replace me, but you know nobody can do that."

  "What I do is none of your business," I answered, sharply.

  I tensed at the feel of her palm sliding across my knee. "Come on baby, can't we just go back to all the fun we used to have together?" The bony hand moved up my leg and her voice turned sultry. "We both know you loved everything I used to do. You remember how good I used to make you feel with my hands. With my mouth." Her hand moved from my knee over my crotch and started rubbing harder.

  I grabbed her hand quickly and sprang up from the couch, glancing around to see if anyone else witnessed our interaction. "Stay the fuck away from me. What we had, it's over," I glared at her.

  "Keegan," she breathed out, grabbing out for my arm but I batted her away.

  "Save it," I seethed, trying to keep my voice as low as possible.. I sprinted up the stairs to the guest room, the same one I had taken Daisy to and flopped down onto the bed without even bothering to turn the light on. Smashing my head against the pillow, I asked myself what the fuck was wrong with me. Piper had just been all over my cock and I turned her down.

  I chugged the rest of my drink. Lifting myself up, I stumbled to my bag and rifled through it until I found the bottle. I brought the rim of the bottle to my lips, not stopping until it was empty, and crashed back into bed.

  The door clicked shut, waking me up from my drunken stupor. Every limb in my body froze up at the touch of a hand sliding underneath the blankets, going straight for my dick. The hand cupped me and started to massage me through my pants slowly. A deep grunt left my body and I moved up into the warm touch, wanting more. The bed indented and a small body lay down sideways, halfway on top of me. I shivered when warm lips brushed the side of my neck. My dreams about Daisy had been getting more frequent and dirtier.

  "God baby," a light voice moaned, moving into me and brushing my neck again. "I have missed this so much."

  My entire body froze and I grabbed the rubbing hand, prying it away from my body. "Get the fuck off of me," I warned through clenched teeth, resisting the urge to throw her off the bed.

  "Come on, let me give you your Christmas present," the seductive voice cried out, rubbing her hand over my chest.

  Shoving her off me, I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. "Get your fucking ass out of here."

  "What the hell is your problem lately?" Piper tried to shove me but I didn't move. "You haven't been with me for months!"

  "I never made you any promises."

  "This is about your little bitch neighbor, isn't it?" She questioned, glaring at me through slanted eyes.

  "Don't br
ing her into this shit," I groaned, running my hands through my hair.

  She let out a harsh laugh. "I can't believe you're really ditching me for some little mutt named Daisy. Wow, you really have lost your fucking balls and your mind. I know the only reason why you even like her is because she's friends with Cora." she eyed me, skeptically. "Baby, if that's what you want, I'll be a friend with her too. In fact, I'll go apologize to her right now."

  I grabbed her elbow stopping her. "Cora will probably stab you with her stiletto if you try to feed her some bullshit apology, now leave. I don't even know why you came tonight."

  "I knew you would be here.” Her face turned soft. "I am in love with you."

  Goddamn, Piper proclaiming her love for me was the last fucking thing I needed to deal with. My head started spinning and I leaned into the wall for assistance. The girl was just mad that she wasn't getting what she wanted and she wasn't used to that. Daddy's little girl always got what she wanted.

  "You're drunk," I said and she shook her head in denial. "You can't be in love with me because we've never even HAD A RELATIONSHIP!"

  She dropped down on the bed and huffed. "You're a freaking idiot if you don't think what we had wasn't a relationship.”

  "Clue the fuck in, Piper. Our relationship was sex. We fucked. That's it, nothing more. I've never even taken you on a date before. I know you're not that damn naive."

  "Keegan," she moaned out, unzipping the side of her dress, allowing it to fall down to her waist, revealing her see-through black bra. "If you don't want to have a relationship with me, that's fine. But at least give me something tonight. We will consider it a goodbye."

  I gulped, taking in the sight before me. Her breasts were perked up nicely and I could see the outline of her nipples. My eyes moved south to the bare stomach I had run my lips down countless times. It would be so easy for me to slide down those tiny panties and bend her over the bed. Shit, no one would ever have to find out.