Letting Go

by Jessica Ruddick

  Stark reality slapped me in the face. I didn’t know what he would’ve said. It was like a sucker punch to the gut. He’d changed so much that last year.

  He’d send me texts before and during my pageants. They didn’t say anything significant. Mostly he’d just distract me with meaningless conversation about everything and nothing—the movie he’d seen last night, English homework, stupid comments people in the audience were making.

  There was only one text that meant anything, the one he always sent right before I performed my talent.

  I love you, and I’m proud of you, no matter what happens. Show everyone what my girl can do.

  I put a hand over my eyes as my chin quivered. Raw emotion washed over me, pulling me in different directions.

  I was angry at Mr. Pullman for ignoring a son who only wanted a little bit of his time, at Tyler for selfishly ending his life, at myself for not seeing the signs. I felt guilt for speaking those final angry words, for being here with Mr. Pullman, for moving on with my life.

  Tyler and I had drifted apart months before he died. But who knows what would have happened? We might have worked it out. We might have gone our separate ways. We might have remained friends. The pain came in not knowing. I had no choice anymore. My life was moving forward, while Tyler’s would forever be at a standstill. He would never move beyond that last moment when we were screaming at each other.

  “Miss?”

  I removed my hand from my eyes. It was our waiter, ready to take our dinner orders. I quickly scanned the menu and picked the first thing that looked halfway decent.

  The interruption was good timing. The last thing I wanted to do was fall apart in front of Mr. Pullman. For the rest of dinner, I stuck with safe topics, reciting facts about Tyler the way I might do for an oral exam.

  As soon as the waiter cleared our dinner plates—mine still mostly full—I made my excuses to leave.

  “Of course,” Mr. Pullman said, reaching inside his suit.

  He held out a white envelope. When I hesitated, he cleared his throat and shook it a little, his eyes commanding me to accept it. And just like I was one of his many employees, I did his bidding.

  The envelope rode in the passenger seat on the drive home. Every few seconds I would glance over at it. Then I would shake my head and return my eyes to the road.

  “I’m going to return it,” I said aloud, as if speaking it would make it true.

  I was such a liar.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “It’s getting late.” Luke yawned. “Do you want me to walk you out to your car?”

  I shrugged. It was past eleven, which was usually when I started making noises about leaving. After a disastrous day, I’d gone straight to the Beta house.

  Straight to Luke.

  He’d smiled when I’d shown up unannounced, despite my ragged look. I was wearing yesterday’s clothes and hadn’t showered, but he was still happy to see me. We’d spent the afternoon and evening sprawled on his couch, vegetating.

  He nudged me. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.”

  I didn’t move. Instead, I played with my necklace, sliding the pendant back and forth on the chain.

  My fear of staying over had always been fear of it hurting my grades. Now, I’d managed to do that without staying over. I had been so tired from being out late at pageant rehearsal I slept through my alarm this morning, completely missing biology. I’d arrived to Women’s Studies late, and most of the students were still scribbling away on an essay test. Even Josh had been there sporting pajama pants, disheveled hair, and sleepy eyes. I’d had fifteen minutes to do what had taken everyone else the full hour. I would be lucky to get a passing grade. It was so stupid and frustrating. I knew the material, but I’d simply run out of time.

  I wouldn’t think about that now. It was done.

  Instead, I turned to Luke and laced my fingers through his. “I was thinking I might stay over.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded.

  He smiled. “I’ll find you something to sleep in.” He rooted around in his drawer, coming up with a gray T-shirt.

  I hesitated briefly. “I could stand to shower first. I woke up late this morning.”

  He leaned down, placing a hand on each side of me on the couch. He touched his lips to mine. “Let’s go.”

  Once in the bathroom, Luke flipped the deadbolt.

  “Does anyone have the key to that?” I asked nervously.

  He shook his head. “Just me. House manager, remember?”

  I nodded and pulled off my sweatshirt, leaving on my T-shirt. Luke had seen me naked before, but undressing like this in front of him was a new level of intimacy.

  “Turn around,” I told him.

  “Seriously?”

  I bit my lip and nodded. “Please.”

  He handed me a pair of his flip flops to wear in the shower and obediently turned around.

  I stripped out of my clothes, folded them neatly, and placed them on the sink. I stepped into the shower stall and turned on the water. I stood for a moment under the scalding water, letting the steam sink into my pores.

  I massaged shampoo into my scalp and stood under the spray again, letting the pressure of the water rinse out the shampoo. I imagined all of my troubles going down the drain with the suds. No more tuition bill, no more Mr. Pullman, no more bad grades.

  Luke’s touch made me jump. His hand snaked around my bare belly. I hesitated for a second, then placed my hands over his, pulling him closer. His lips found my neck and he slowly worked his way down. My breath caught as his tongue flicked on my collarbone.

  “You’re being bad,” I whispered, turning my head slightly so I could see his face.

  He held up a bar of soap. “You forgot this.”

  He ran the soap all over my body, drawing lazy circles with the suds. I spun around and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  He groaned and dug his hands into my hair. I ran my fingertips along his back, causing goose bumps to form despite the hot water. His muscles rippled under my fingertips.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck again so I could nestle my body against his. He ran his hands down to grip my ass, pulling me against him.

  Unfortunately, the water chose that moment to start going cold. All the heat disappeared in a matter of seconds.

  I gasped and arched my back, pressing myself against him harder in an attempt to avoid the freezing water. Luke reached around me and turned the water off. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my shivering body.

  “Does it always go cold like that with no warning?”

  Grinning, he rubbed my arms through the towel to warm me up. “Most of us don’t stay in here long enough to find out.”

  After checking the hallway to make sure it was clear, we scurried back to his room. The door was barely shut before the towels were on the floor and our hands were all over each other.

  …

  I did the so-called “walk of shame” the next morning, but I wasn’t the least embarrassed to walk in the house wearing last night’s clothes. I was too absorbed in my own happiness.

  After sleeping naked and wrapped around him last night, I smelled like Luke—my hair, my skin. My world was brighter this morning.

  Amber put her hands on her hips when I walked into the room. “My, my, aren’t you looking pleased this morning? Give me details.”

  I grinned and flopped down on my bed. “I never kiss and tell.”

  Amber just laughed. “I’m calling bullshit on that one. It’s nice to see you smiling though.”

  “What about Brad? He makes you happy right?” In my current state of euphoria, I wanted everyone to be happy. If misery loved company, apparently so did happiness.

  “The dumbass needed—and I quote—‘time with the boys.’ Lame,” she huffed. “The trouble with him is he doesn’t have any training. I’m having to break him in myself.”

  “Crack that whip,” I said, snapping a p
retend whip in the air. I closed my eyes, drifting a bit. I had a great night, but I was exhausted.

  “Hey, Cori, don’t you have class this morning?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I murmured, throwing an arm over my face.

  “If you’re going to shower, do it now. I’ve got to get in there, too.”

  “I already showered.” I couldn’t keep the smug sound of satisfaction out of my voice.

  Amber jumped on my bed. “Something tells me there’s a story there.”

  I put a finger to my lips. “Not telling.” Nope, she didn’t need to know about Luke’s slow kisses down my throat or the feel of his hands as they slid over my skin. My belly tightened.

  “You suck. By the way, the caller ID read Pullman last night. I didn’t answer it because I figured it was for you.”

  My eyes popped open and I sat straight up. “Fuck.”

  “I thought you liked Mrs. Pullman. I mean, she’s your—ah—ex-boyfriend’s mother and everything, but still. She’s all right.”

  I sighed. “I do like her, but I don’t think she was the one who called. It was probably Mr. Pullman.”

  “Oh,” Amber said, then, “Ohhhh,” with understanding. Then her expression changed to confusion. “Wait, what?”

  “I’ve been meeting with Mr. Pullman. He’s been picking my brain about Tyler.”

  Amber was silent for a minute. “Why now?”

  “He feels guilty for being an asshole absentee father.”

  “And how is that your problem?”

  “It’s not. I just feel bad, you know? The man lost his son.”

  Amber snorted. “The man should have been a father.”

  I understood where Amber was coming from. Her dad abandoned her and her mom when she was seven. I knew she wouldn’t understand why I was meeting him, so I hadn’t told her. I had enough misgivings about Mr. Pullman without Amber’s disapproval.

  “I don’t know why he would call this number. He’s always called my cell before.” I paused for a second. “Do me a favor though. It probably won’t come up, but don’t tell Luke about the Mr. Pullman thing.”

  Amber slammed her drawer shut. “That’s messed up, Cori. I don’t want to lie for you. I don’t think it’s good for you to see him. I mean, you’re just getting back on your feet. You’re finally living a little bit.”

  “It’s the right thing to do.”

  “How is lying to Luke the right thing?”

  I gritted my teeth. “I’m doing the best I can.”

  “I’m not judging you—”

  “It sure sounds like you are,” I snapped.

  “Look,” Amber said, irritated. “I don’t know what it’s like. I’ve never had a boyfriend die on me. Hell, I’ve never even had a grandparent die. I get that. But you don’t owe Mr. Pullman anything.”

  “It’s the right thing to do,” I repeated.

  “If it’s the right thing, then why lie about it?”

  My eyes shifted to my desk drawer where the most recent check from Mr. Pullman was tucked away.

  “Drop it, Amber.”

  She sighed. “All I’m saying is you need—”

  “I don’t need you telling me what to do.”

  Shaking my head, I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. The logical part of me knew she was right. Seeing Mr. Pullman might be the right thing to do, but if it was so right, then I shouldn’t feel the need to lie to Luke about it.

  Or maybe I just shouldn’t be doing stuff I have to lie about. Except I’d already crossed that bridge.

  Luke and I were in a really good place right now. Telling him about Mr. Pullman would just fuck everything up. There was no reason he needed to know. It had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship.

  I jerked my thumb away from my mouth. Damn. I’d been chewing on my nail without even realizing it. I examined it, hoping the damage wasn’t too bad. My hands needed to be presentable for the interview portion of the pageant.

  I just needed to make it through the end of the semester. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I was almost there. By then, I’d have the tuition situation resolved, and winter break would give me some distance from Mr. Pullman.

  A new semester meant a new start. No more lies.

  …

  Dr. Nantis calmly folded her hands on the desk in front of her. “I do not allow students to redo assignments without a compelling reason. Do you have a compelling reason?”

  I stared at the pattern in the carpet. You might think the brown and green swirls would mask the various coffee stains, but no such luck. “I overslept.”

  She pursed her lips. “That’s certainly not a compelling reason.”

  “I know.” I ran my hands over my face. “I was out late the night before at a pageant rehearsal.”

  She scrunched her nose and pursed her lips in disgust. It was not a good look for her. It went against her whole Zen vibe she had going with the scarves. She stared down at me over her purple reading glasses that were perched precariously on the end of her nose. “I see.”

  I didn’t think she did, but I thanked her anyway and left. It was a lost cause. No way was she giving me a break.

  I’d done the math several times. Somehow I’d managed a C on the in-class essay assignment, but combined with the B- on that test, the highest final grade I could hope for was a B+.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten a B. Elementary school maybe? The very thought of a B made me start to hyperventilate. My anxiety was compounded by the fact that it was my own stupidity that caused it, and I didn’t mean stupidity in the academic sense. That essay test was easy. If I’d had the full time, I would have aced it with little effort.

  I didn’t have the luxury of dwelling on it. I had a ton of homework, including a lab report for biology. The rehearsals combined with my own personal rehearsals and workouts for the pageant had been taking up way more time than I expected. Throw in dinners with Mr. Pullman, and I barely had time to sleep.

  Staying up late last night with Luke didn’t help my studying either. But I had to admit it was good for my soul.

  Tingles ran up and down my body. If I thought about it hard enough, I could still feel his fingers running down my side while he lazily ran his tongue along my neck. A girl could get by for a while on those memories.

  I pulled my coat tighter around me and picked up the pace. The wind was brisk, causing my eyes to water. I was regretting my decision to hoof it to the Alpha house instead of taking the shuttle.

  My cheeks were chapped by the time I got home. Grabbing a blanket off my bed, I wrapped myself up in it like a burrito with arms and sat in front of my computer.

  Biology lab report. Ugh.

  As I read over my notes from the lab, I reached up to my neck to play with my necklace like I usually did when I studied.

  My breath caught in my throat. It wasn’t there.

  Frantically, I grabbed at my neck, thinking it might have gotten caught up in my hair. I stripped off the blanket and felt around in my clothes, hoping it had fallen off and caught there.

  No luck. I ran into the bathroom. I didn’t remember taking it off in there, but nevertheless I rifled around through all the makeup and hair appliances lying on the counter. Not there.

  I searched every surface in our dorm room and when I didn’t find it, I crawled around the floor and looked under all the furniture. I ripped the comforter and sheets off my bed and shook them out.

  My heart raced and my hands shook. That necklace was my last tangible connection to Tyler. I couldn’t lose it. I just couldn’t.

  Except apparently I already had.

  I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. Think. Think. When was the last time I remembered having it?

  My eyes popped open as I remembered. The last time I had it I was wearing it and nothing else. In Luke’s bed.

  I didn’t think twice about it. I grabbed my keys and ran out of the room. Fortunately I hit every green light on the way there. I might�
��ve run them if they had been red.

  My heart pounded as I ran upstairs to Luke’s room. He wasn’t there, but the door was unlocked. I flung it open, my eyes frantically surveying the room, searching for the glint of silver.

  I didn’t see it. Hesitating only a second, I started searching his room the same way I’d searched mine. I ran my fingers along every surface and checked in the crevices between the couch cushions. The towels we’d used were neatly folded and stacked on top of the hamper.

  Oh shit. What if it had been caught on the towel and went through the laundry?

  I paused, the dread from my heart slowly leaching out to every part of my body.

  No, I’m not doing the “what ifs.” I need to know what is. When was the last time I definitely had it?

  Definitely after the shower. I wasn’t used to showering with it on, and my wet hair had gotten caught in it.

  So it had to be in this room. It just had to be. I needed to keep looking.

  “Now that’s a welcome sight.” Luke stood in his doorway with an appreciative expression, gazing down at me looking under his couch on all fours.

  I was too frantic to be embarrassed. “I have to find it.”

  “What?”

  “My necklace. I lost my necklace.” My voice was distracted as I continued my search.

  “That silver one you always wear?”

  I jerked my head up and nodded, a little surprised he noticed. I usually kept it under my shirt.

  “Did you have it last night?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes!” I was getting annoyed. “I had it last night, and now it’s missing. It has to be here.”

  I climbed on his bed and felt around under the pillows. I put my arms down in the pillow cases thinking it might have gotten caught down in there.

  “Maybe you lost it in your car.”

  I shook my head. I’d searched there already.

  “Or maybe it fell off in class.”

  “Oh my God.” I hadn’t even thought of that. I’d assumed that because I remembered having it at Luke’s that I’d lost it here, but just because I last remembered having it here didn’t mean I’d actually lost it here. What if the unthinkable happened? What if I’d lost it in class or on campus somewhere? I would never get it back then. Tears welled up in my eyes.