Letting Go

by Jessica Ruddick

  I climbed off the bed. “I have to find it!”

  “Calm down.” He put an arm around me, but I shook him off.

  “You don’t understand!” I yanked the sheet off his bed and shook it. When nothing fell out of it, I threw it on the floor.

  “Whoa,” he said, taking a step toward me. “It’s just a necklace. We can get you another one.”

  “No, we can’t! Tyler gave it to me.” It was out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying.

  Luke blinked. “What did you say?”

  I looked at him silently as the gravity of my mistake sank in.

  “Tell me what you said.” The muscles in his jaw tensed.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t repeat the words that were sure to drive a wedge between us.

  He clenched his fists. “Tell me.”

  When I still didn’t answer, he said, “You told me it was over for you.” His voice was quiet and controlled.

  Tears streamed down my face. I opened my mouth to speak—not that I knew what to say—but only a choked sob escaped.

  “Yet here you are ransacking my room, tearing apart my bed where you slept last night, to look for a necklace from your old boyfriend.”

  “Luke—”

  He wore a hard expression. “I can’t compete with a ghost. I won’t compete with a ghost.”

  “You’re not. It’s not like that.”

  His face was expressionless except for the fury in his eyes. “And I won’t have a girlfriend who lies to me.”

  “Please don’t,” I begged. Suddenly the necklace didn’t seem so important anymore. “Just let me explain.”

  He shook his head. “You need to go.”

  “No, Luke, it’s not like that. Just let me explain—”

  “Get out.” He exited his room, not wanting to share the same space with me. That hurt.

  “Wait!” I called after him shamelessly. He didn’t come back.

  I sat in his room for a few minutes, tears streaming, hoping he would come back. He wouldn’t give up on me that easily, would he?

  Except he hadn’t. Giving up on me easily would have been dumping me after the incident with Josh’s girl or after the wedding.

  Three strikes and you’re out.

  He’d told me. Luke had flat out told me that he didn’t want any secrets between us. The only secret I’d deliberately told since then was the one about Mr. Pullman. I wasn’t lying when I told Luke he was it for me. I loved him. I didn’t want anyone else.

  I heard the roar of his Jeep and the spitting gravel as Luke peeled out of the parking lot. I waited. Ten minutes turned into twenty then thirty, and I was forced to accept that he was gone.

  And just like Amber said I would, I’d messed it up. I’d lost him.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “You look like shit.”

  I picked my head up off the desk to find Josh staring down at me. I didn’t have the energy to come up with a decent response, so I simply put my head back down.

  Josh took a step back, holding a notebook in front of him like a shield. “Are you sick or something?”

  “No.”

  He slid into the desk next to me. “I wasn’t lying. You look terrible.”

  I scowled. “How do you manage to get so many girls to go out with you?”

  “I’m not trying to get you to go out with me. If I were, you wouldn’t be able to resist.” He smiled at me in the way I’d seen him smile at countless other girls. It was a charming smile, but I wasn’t in the mood to be charmed.

  “I’m actually flattered that you don’t want to go out with me. Your taste in women sucks.”

  He shrugged, not bothered by my critique of his love life. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He reached into his pocket. “Luke told me to give this to you.” He laid my silver necklace on my desk. I quickly picked it up and closed my hand around it, feeling the smooth metal that I had lost.

  Then I opened my hand to look at the necklace that had cost me so much. Had this little piece of silver been worth it? Instead of putting it on, I slipped it into my pocket.

  “Did he say anything?” I asked quietly.

  “Nah. He just told me to give that to you.”

  I didn’t know if that was good or bad. On one hand, Luke wasn’t airing our personal business. But what did that mean? I had no idea.

  I’d waited in his room after he’d left, hoping he’d come back. I had no idea where he would have gone, so I couldn’t go after him. I’d remade the bed, an act of apology. If only it were that simple.

  I’d stuck around almost three hours, texting and calling, pleading for him to come back. My messages went ignored.

  Dr. Nantis swept into the room and promptly started class. For once, being in the front row didn’t help me pay attention.

  I hurt. I hurt everywhere. My hands shook and my heart throbbed.

  I stuffed my notebook into my backpack and slung it over my shoulder.

  “Excuse me,” I said to Josh as I slipped down the aisle, doing something I’d never thought I’d ever do—I was skipping out on class. I had to talk to Luke.

  Luke wouldn’t take any of my calls, but maybe he’d answer if he didn’t recognize the number. I’d seen a payphone somewhere on campus, but I couldn’t remember where, perhaps the student center or the lobby in the dining hall. The student center was closer, so I tucked my hands in my pockets and power walked over there.

  Luck was on my side for once, and I even had enough change to make the phone call. My hands shook as I inserted the quarter into the slot, and I couldn’t help but think back to the time Luke had surprised me at the vending machine. Back then, I’d been trying to avoid him. Now it was he who didn’t want anything to do with me.

  I dialed the number, holding my breath as it rang once, twice.

  “Hello?” His voice sounded rough, distracted.

  “Luke, it’s me. Please don’t hang up.”

  Silence greeted me, but at least he stayed on the line. I leaned my forehead against the wall. What could I say to him to make him understand?

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Cori, my last relationship was toxic, nothing but lies and betrayal. I can’t do that again.”

  “It’s not like that. Just let me explain.”

  “You keep saying that, but how can you explain this? I think it’s pretty obvious that guy still means something to you.”

  “Can I come see you?”

  “That’s not a good idea.”

  “But Luke, I care about you. I want to be with you.” There it was. I’d put it out there.

  “Cori…I… That’s not enough. I’m sorry.”

  He hung up, and I stood clutching the dead phone for the next minute, not wanting to accept that he didn’t even want to talk to me. He wouldn’t let me explain.

  But Luke was right about one thing—Tyler did still mean something to me. He always would. Was that so wrong?

  I hung up the phone and started the long walk back to Greek housing. The wind had picked up since I’d walked to the student center, and I would surely have chapped skin by the time I got there, but I didn’t care.

  Maybe if the wind froze my heart, it wouldn’t hurt so much.

  …

  I won.

  I threw up twice, but I won the damn thing. I was Miss New River Valley and the recipient of a sizable scholarship, enough to pay my spring tuition with some left over.

  I smiled until my face hurt and posed for pictures with strangers. No one I knew was there.

  Amber had left town early to make it home in time to catch a flight to her grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving. My parents didn’t even know I was competing.

  And Luke wanted nothing to do with me.

  I sat alone on my bed in my rattiest pajamas, which were in juxtaposition with my elaborately done up hair and makeup. I twirled the crown around in my fingers.

  God, this sucked.

  I was alo
ne in an empty sorority house. I had messages upon messages from Mr. Pullman. I’d cancelled our last meeting and hadn’t returned any of his phone calls. He wasn’t taking the hint. Persistence, I thought bitterly, was something I had so admired in Tyler.

  Now it just pissed me off.

  Where had I gone wrong? When had I let my life get so fucked up? I was normally in control of everything.

  And that was just the problem. I thought I had everything under control. What an illusion.

  I was so busy holding on to all the little things that the big one slipped right through my fingers.

  Too late I’d learned my lesson. Sometimes you just needed to let go.

  …

  “Honey! You should get out of bed. Grandma and Grandpa will be here soon.”

  I rolled over and looked at the alarm clock. 11:36. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes.

  Insistent knocking at my door. I looked at the clock again. 12:02.

  “Honey, can I come in?”

  My mom didn’t bother to wait for an answer. She never did. Her asking if she could come in was basically an announcement that she was coming in.

  She sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my back. “Is everything okay?”

  “Fine.”

  She pursed her lips. I knew what she wanted to ask. If you’re so fine, then why have you spent most of fall break in bed? After the first two days, she wanted to take me to the doctor. Then she asked if I needed to see the therapist. I managed to convince her that it wasn’t necessary, that I was just tired.

  My mother wouldn’t tiptoe around me all week. I was surprised it’d lasted this long.

  I threw back the covers. “I’ll get in the shower.”

  My mom nodded, placing her hands in her lap. As she looked down, I noticed tears in her eyes. My mom never cried.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked her.

  “I’m worried about you.”

  I looked at her, really looked at her. She was a mess. My mom was always polished, put together, and upbeat.

  I pulled at a loose thread on my pajama T-shirt. “I’m fine.”

  My parents and I hadn’t spoken much since I’d been home. I still hadn’t forgiven them for screwing up my financial aid.

  As I looked in her eyes, though, I saw concern there. And love. I looked at her again, realization smacking me in the face. This was my mother, and I was only ever going to get one. She had her flaws, but I certainly wasn’t perfect, either. It was time to kick the grudge to the curb.

  “I’ve actually been meaning to ask you,” I said, “do you want to do Black Friday shopping tomorrow? It would be nice to get my Christmas shopping done early this year.”

  Her face brightened immediately. “Really?” She clapped her hands together, as gleeful as a child on Christmas morning instead of a grown adult who relished the craziness of Black Friday. I went with her once. Once was enough.

  I wasn’t looking forward to Black Friday shopping, but I was happy I’d resolved things with my mother. It was the right thing to do. It was time to stop living in the past. I had enough problems to deal with in the present.

  …

  I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Once upon a time, I would have just walked right in. Those days were long gone.

  The door opened and familiar friendly brown eyes greeted me. “Come in.” Mrs. Pullman stepped back and waved me in.

  We stood awkwardly for a second, not sure of our status. She used to be a second mother to me. A lot had changed.

  She gestured to the living room where she’d set out lemonade and my favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies. I sat on the edge of the couch, my eyes drawn to the framed pictures sitting on the mantle.

  She sat next to me. “How are your classes going?”

  I tore my eyes away from the mantle. “Pretty good. I had some trouble in one class, but I should still pull off a B.”

  “Ooh, a B. Are you okay with that?”

  The woman knew me well. “Not really, but there’s not much I can do about it now.”

  She poured a glass of lemonade and handed it to me. “Tell me about everything else. How’s Amber?”

  “Amber’s doing well. She decided to double major in accounting and math so that if she decides she doesn’t want to be an accountant she can be a math teacher.”

  “Aren’t you two living in the sorority house now?”

  I nodded. “She talked me into it. It’s okay. The rooms are much bigger than in the dorms, but it’s farther away from everything.”

  “I always wanted to join a sorority, but by the time I went through college, I had two kids at home. I wasn’t exactly sorority material by that point.” She laughed. “Tell me about it so I can live vicariously through you.”

  “There’s a lot of silly social things. You know, costume parties and stuff.”

  She chuckled. “As serious as always. I hope you’re letting loose some, too. Make sure you aren’t all work and no play.”

  “I am,” I said defensively, finding it odd that I felt the need to defend my studious nature. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

  “That’s what I want to hear about.”

  “I actually got roped into doing a Greek talent show thing at the beginning of the semester.” I had to give her something, and that seemed safe enough. I certainly couldn’t tell her some of the other things I’d been doing. Like Luke.

  Don’t think about that.

  I grabbed a cookie and nibbled on it. “These are as good as I remembered.”

  “I’ll bake you some whenever you want. Just let me know.”

  “That would be nice. Thanks.”

  My eyes once again gravitated toward the framed photos. There was one of me and Tyler at senior prom as well as one of my senior portraits. At the end, there was a new addition I hadn’t seen before. It was the same graduation picture I had on my laptop.

  Noticing me look at the pictures, she took a shaky breath. “It’s still surreal, isn’t it? I’m…I’m going to start going through his room. Is there anything you would like? Most of the stuff will probably go to charity.”

  My eyes widened. I couldn’t believe she was doing that. But then I imagined how hard it must be for her to have his bedroom stay the same, as if he were still just away at college and would be coming home for breaks.

  “I…I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve been in there.”

  “Do you want to go up and look?”

  I didn’t want to, but I also knew if I didn’t I would regret it. I nodded.

  Mrs. Pullman thoughtfully let me go alone. As I slowly climbed the stairs I looked with trepidation at the door that had been closed for months now. The blue Tyler Avenue sign that his sister had gotten him for his twelfth birthday was still there. Other teenage guys probably would have taken it down, but that was the kind of big brother he was.

  I pushed the door open. The sun shone through the window, illuminating dust particles floating in the air. With the exception of the dust, the room was as neat and clean as always. The bed was made, dirty clothes were in the hamper, and the desk was organized. Lining a shelf were several gold trophies with soccer players performing various feats on top. I ran my finger along the name plates to wipe away the dust.

  Familiar clothes hung in neat rows in the closet. I fingered a blue shirt that he’d worn to the academic awards ceremony. Or was it his cousin’s rehearsal dinner? I couldn’t remember. They were back-to-back nights.

  Clearly labeled binders lined the bookshelf. I pulled one out at random. Physics. Ugh. Neat handwriting lined the pages with certain sections highlighted in yellow. The highlighting was beginning to fade.

  A soccer ball with the signatures of the Forrest Creek varsity team sat on the corner of the dresser. Tucked into the edges of the mirror were pictures—some of me, some of him and his soccer buddies, and some of him, his mom, and his sister. There was one of me taken after I had my wisdom teeth taken out. My cheeks were
swollen, my eyes had circles under them, and I had a goofy grin on my face as a result of the meds. I hated that picture, but he had insisted it was cute and refused to take it down. Apparently I was entertaining when laced with heavy narcotics.

  I could take it down now, but it no longer mattered.

  I sat on the bed and clasped my hands together between my knees. There were so many memories in this room. How many hours had I spent lounging on this bed? Too many to count.

  Now it was all going to be packed into boxes. It was all going away, like it never existed, like it never happened.

  I lay back on the bed and turned my nose into the pillow. The scent of dust filled my nostrils.

  And I felt…what exactly?

  Sad, remorseful, nostalgic…

  A knock at the door had me quickly sitting up. “Come in,” I said.

  Mrs. Pullman peeked around the door. “Just checking.” She stood just inside the room. “Did you find anything you wanted?”

  “Are you really going to give it all to charity?”

  She nodded. “It’s time.”

  “What are you going to do with the room?”

  “I haven’t decided. Guest room maybe?”

  Chin trembling, I took a deep breath and looked around the room for the last time. I turned my face away as the first tears fell.

  Mrs. Pullman sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me. “It’s okay,” she murmured as she stroked my hair.

  As my tears turned to sobs, I clung to her. “Why? I just don’t understand.”

  She pulled away from me and held me at arm’s length. “You know he was sick, right?”

  “Wha…what?”

  “Depression.”

  Immediately, my mind filled with those TV commercials for antidepressants. Surely I would have known if Tyler had belonged in one of them. We shared everything.

  Lie.

  In the months leading up to his death, we hadn’t shared much of anything. Still, something like this?

  I shook my head. “He would have told me.”

  She sighed. “He didn’t want you to know. Although you probably noticed.”

  How would I have noticed? I hardly saw him.