The Nostalgia Effect

by EJ Valson

  He looks into my eyes and I don't look away. He really sees me. "You're right. I'm sorry," he says. He then takes my hand and gently kisses it. To my delight, he doesn't let go as we make our way behind the rest of the group.

  We walk all the way back to the motel holding hands. It feels so natural. I lean closer into him as he tells me a story about his best friend in Sweden. I don't even care when Bjorn, Stacy and Lewis stop to wait and notice us holding hands. It isn't their business, it isn't their life.

  When we get back to the hotel, Stacy starts making vodka tonics for all of us, and turns the radio on. If there's any motel where we could get loud and not worry about getting in trouble, this would be the place. It's almost after 1:00 a.m. when I decide to turn in for the night.

  "I want to play Truth or Dare," Stacy pleads like a child who wants to stay up later.

  "You have fun with that, but I'm going to bed," I say chuckling.

  Michael is lying down on one of the beds, almost asleep. "Do you want to play?" Stacy asks him, trying to shake him awake.

  "No thanks. I'm tired," he says, with his eyes still shut.

  "OK, OK, you go to my room and I'll sleep out here," she says half slurring. I perk up, because that means Michael can share a bed with me?.again!

  I casually make my way to the bathroom to wash my face and take a quick shower after the long day. When I'm finished, I try to make myself looks less bland without makeup, but there's no point really. In the morning, I will look my worst and I guess he will take it or leave it. I know he has before!

  Michael and I pass in the hallway as he makes his way into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on as I flip on the bedside lamp and nervously make my way into my side of the bed, which is always the side closest to the bathroom.

  When Michael returns he's in a pair of workout shorts and a t-shirt. "Do you mind if I crack the window?" he asks. I shake my head. He opens the window letting the cool night air in, then gently lies down on his side of the bed.

  "OK, goodnight," I say, then turn to switch off the lamp. I lay back down and stare up at the popcorn ceiling. The room still isn't completely dark, due to the city lights outside. I hear Stacy's laughter coming from the front room. I know she's had too much to drink, but she can handle herself.

  I look over to see Michael is lying with his back to me. He starts to stir and flips onto his back. We both lay there in silence. I'm not sure if he wants to talk or sleep. Suddenly, I feel his hand searching around the covers, then his fingers intertwine with mine.

  "Goodnight, love," he whispers.

  CHAPTER 64

  On Saturday afternoon we're all tired from walking around Seattle most of the morning. We decide to take a nap before dinner, as we will need energy for the late night ahead. Stacy decides she'll just sleep in the main room, as she did the night before, so Michael and I go back to our room and try our best to sleep, but end up talking and snuggling.

  Being with him is so easy. There's no awkwardness when we reach out to each other. There's nothing sexual, though I wouldn't be opposed to it turning that way. But I can tell he's trying to be respectful.

  In his mind, I'm still married with a small child, even though Joe and I have filed for divorce. Though I don't think he had a problem with this the first time we got together-in our "real" life-I hadn't been in a serious relationship for more than two years, from what I remember. I was fair game then, and Olivia was never an issue. I'm certain that he always wanted kids.

  My current situation leads us into a more serious discussion. "What do you want to do with your life, now that you'll be single?" Michael asks.

  I ponder this for a minute. I'm not sure how to respond. I opt for honesty. "I want to fall in love again," I reply.

  "Hmm," he says, considering my answer. He reaches out and entangles my fingers in his. "Give yourself some time," he cautions.

  "I will. But I haven't been in love for quite a while" I admit.

  He raises himself up on his elbow to face me. "You don't want to end up in a rebound relationship, though."

  I meet his eyes. "That won't happen," I say.

  "Oh really? How can you be sure?" he jokingly prods.

  "Because I'm saving myself for someone," I say.

  He thinks about my remark for a moment. I can tell he's confused and not sure how to respond, as he is squinting a little. He's trying to decipher what I mean. Michael leans in and kisses me on the cheek, then lays back and pulls me in so my head rests on his chest.

  We lay like this for a few minutes before Stacy knocks on the door and slowly opens it. I sit up. "Hey," I say tiredly. She has a big smile on her face. Michael can tell she wants to talk to me, so he gets up from the bed.

  "Beer time!" he announces as he heads out of the room.

  Stacy closes the door behind him and sits down on the bed. "Oh my God, Jen. Lewis and I couldn't sleep so we went on a walk," she says and begins to giggle. "I made out with him, Jen."

  I start to laugh. "So?," I say.

  She shrugs. "I guess he wants to date me," she says, her whispering voice filled with giddiness.

  This admission makes me laugh inside. Yesterday she was acting like he was a clingy girl and now she's excited to have him as her boyfriend. Oh well. To each their own!

  "I guess that's the magic of Seattle," I say, somewhat sarcastically.

  Stacy gets up, energized with the possibility of new found love. "OK, let's get pretty and go out for dinner and dancing!" she says.

  "Woo hoo!" I say overenthusiastically.

  Though I am happy for Stacy, who has had nothing but bad luck in relationships, I'm a bit saddened and jealous. And a lot of this feels very familiar. I'm sure this has happened before and I'm sure the situation is almost the same. ?

  As I sit for a moment digesting my conversation with Michael and Stacy's news, I hear someone singing from the alley down below. It's a man, and his voice is deep and soulful. It's getting closer as he passes below our window. I cannot recognize the tune, but I can tell it's a love song. I feel my body getting warm and flushed. Tingles start to erupt in my brain and I'm starting to feel zapping through my body. I close my eyes and brace myself. I feel out of control.

  I see Michael. We are lying in bed, this same bed?we are in Seattle. He is holding my hands and looking into my eyes. He looks serious. "I'm not done with you yet. I'm going to marry you someday," he says.

  I feel the sensation leave as quickly as it came. We've been here before. We have slept in this bed. We fell in love here. And I now know for certain that THIS is the place where everything changed. This is the weekend that everything came to the surface.

  After shaking off the episode, I manage to get ready and go on about my evening with everyone. After a nice dinner we head down to a waterfront club. As soon as we walk in, the up tempo music and vibe of the club forces me to let go of my anxiety.

  Michael gets me a drink from the bar and leads me to the dance floor, where Bjorn, Stacy and Lewis are already dancing. He puts his arm around me and moves me in closer to the group. I have to live by what I told Michael to do this weekend. Let go, have fun and make memories.

  I may not have this opportunity with him again. I have to make the most of the time we have. He's with me at this moment. In a month, a year or a decade he may not be. There are no guarantees with anything in life, but we are guaranteed tonight.

  CHAPTER 65

  The week following our Seattle trip is a whirlwind. From the time I get home on Sunday evening, it's non-stop. Joe and I finalize all the divorce papers, have them notarized and turn them in to the courthouse. All we have to do now is wait a minimum of ninety days for the official divorce decrees and the process will be over.

  I've noticed he's been more cheerful lately and not as evasive. On Wednesday night, I join him and Olivia for dinner at what we are now calling "her house." We all enjoy each other's company and I love seeing the big smile across her face as she tells us about her day at school.
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  The week has been busy, with Michael and Bjorn completing a company presentation to get their full intern credit. And I'm now preparing myself for two things. The going away party we are throwing for them on Friday, and the last night I get with Michael on Saturday-possibly, the very last night.

  My mom and her husband are heading out of town again, so I offer to house sit. Joe is happy to stay with Olivia over the weekend, so I don't have to worry about what to do with her. I feel like a half-ass mom at this point, but luckily it doesn't seem to be affecting her, since I'm home with her every week night. She just sees it as extra time with her dad. If she only knew why I was gone so much, she might understand. I'm doing what I have to for the sake of our future.

  On Friday we hustle around the office to get the presentation going on the projector in the conference room. I take a seat in the back with Stacy while Bjorn and Michael wait for the rest of the company members to settle in.

  Bjorn is nervous, but Michael talks with ease, as if he's having a conversation with a good friend. They go through their slides, discussing the market research they conducted. And at the end they show a silly slideshow with pictures of their time here and talk about the fun they had getting to know everyone. A few pictures of Seattle, the trade show in LA, their crappy broke down car and other group photos appear on the screen. I try my best not to cry. I've shared some of the best moments of my life with him in such a short time.

  At 4:00 p.m. we leave the office early so I can take them back to their house to gather their things, as they've decided to stay with me through the weekend. I park the car in the alley and follow them through the back entrance of the large house. It smells the same as the day I came in to sign their lease, which takes me back to how this journey began.

  We make our way to the large room they share. Originally, they each had their own room, but an ant infestation in Michael's room forced him to bunk up with Bjorn. Upon entering, they quickly grab their sparse belongings. Their suitcases are already packed, so it's only a few minutes until we are ready to leave.

  I follow Michael as he walks through the house and says his goodbyes to the quiet introverts he has become acquainted with. The house is made up of mostly foreign exchange students or socially awkward guys who find their outlet behind computer screens. But Michael has a way about him that makes even the shyest people comfortable, and they tend to open up to him.

  From there we head straight to my mom's. Michael throws some pasta together so we don't go out hungry before their "goodbye" pub crawl downtown. I head upstairs to shower and get ready. I take my time shaving, scrubbing and doing my makeup and hair. This is our last "hurrah" so I want to look my best.

  Stacy and Lewis show up at the house around 7:00. They are giddy, like two teenagers, and it honestly sort of annoys me how publicly affectionate they are. I don't know, but it could be a touch of jealousy. Michael seems as unamused as I am at their behavior. Mostly because in a week's time, Lewis now only talks about Stacy and claims he wants to marry her. Michael and I care about them both, but their relationship has been the source of a few jokes over our recent late night instant messaging sessions.

  When I finally make my way downstairs, the living room is alive with laughter and music. Stacy is sitting on Lewis' lap and drinking a glass of wine. Michael is putting the dinner dishes in the dishwasher, and without looking at me hands me a bowl of pasta to quickly eat.

  Then he turns around from his task and notices me. "You look nice," he says, smiling.

  "Thanks," I say, before shoving a fork full of noodles into my mouth.

  "I gotta get my coat and shoes," he says. But before he makes his way past me he sneaks in a kiss on my cheek. I instantly feel warm. I look at Stacy, who noticed the kiss and is now smiling at me. I shake my head at her, indicating that it's not a big deal.

  When Michael comes back into the kitchen, he is wearing a dark navy blazer, a t-shirt, dark dress jeans and dress shoes. This is the style right now, and he looks cleverly handsome.

  "Let's get pictures!" Stacy exclaims, while running to get her camera.

  "OK, Michael and Jen, get together," she instructs. Michael puts his arm around me and I lean in close. "Perfect," she says, examining the shot on her camera display screen.

  I walk over to take a look. I'm pleasantly surprised by the image. There is sincere happiness on our faces. We look like a real couple, like we belong to each other.

  We hustle downtown to meet up with the rest of our co-workers at one of the only dance clubs in town. Drinks immediately start flowing and everyone's having a good time. Michael is beaming with joy, as he was surprised so many people came out to see them off. He loves to entertain and genuinely enjoys being around people. Even though I'm having fun, I am occasionally hit with pangs of sadness and fear over losing him in two days. It's hard to enjoy these last moments with him, when I'm so preoccupied by his impending departure.

  Before the night is over, we head to a few other pubs and bars. Michael even gets the group to sing Karaoke, which makes for a lot of entertainment considering how many people are drunk and way off key. However, he manages to stay on note the whole time, as he's musical and a decent singer.

  I keep mentally replaying the vision I had at the fountains a few months ago. Even though this night has happened before, we haven't gone to the same club, and there wasn't the instance of him kissing me on the way to the bathroom. We also haven't consummated our relationship like I thought we already had at that time. This fact makes me worry that our path has been thrown off course.

  Astrid has told me not to force anything or fight the current. I've been sticking to her instructions, and this is probably why I have Michael as close as I do right now. But I can't help wonder if I missed something along the way. Come Sunday, he will be farther away than ever before.

  CHAPTER 66

  I wake up late on Saturday morning and lay in bed trying to remember the events from the night before. The last thing I can recall is Bjorn, Michael and I coming home around 2:00 a.m. and deciding to eat sandwiches. I remember hoisting myself up on the corner of the kitchen counter to watch Michael prepare our food. After we finished eating, he walked over and gave me a big hug. For a moment we stayed in silence, embracing. I even had my legs wrapped around him.

  Eventually we made our way upstairs to my mom's room. Michael had oddly enough put his bags in there with mine. We routinely got ready for bed as if we were a couple-brushed our teeth in the bathroom together, washed our faces. When it came time for him to shower, I left the bathroom and went to lay down on the bed. My head was heavy with alcohol and I must have fallen asleep quickly. Then I woke up and realized it was already 11:00 a.m.

  I look over to the other side of the bed and see Michael isn't there. I hear the television on downstairs and the smell of coffee is teasing my nose. I shuffle down the stairs, as I'm in no rush to do anything or go anywhere. When I get to the living room, Bjorn and Michael are each lying on a couch watching a movie.

  "Morning," I say, heading straight for the coffee pot.

  "Morning, sunshine," Michael calls from the couch. Bjorn says nothing. I look over and see that he's fallen asleep watching TV.

  The sun is shining bright and the house is already getting warm from the southern exposure. I fix my cup of coffee and head outside to the patio. The beaming warmth of the sun penetrates my tired bones and I immediately feel rejuvenated, as my body absorbs the sun's rays.

  The patio door slides open and shuts from behind me. I squint as I turn to see who's there. Michael has decided to join me with a cup of coffee as well.

  "Last night was fun," he comments.

  "Yeah...it was," I reply, content.

  Even though things didn't go exactly as I remembered the first time around, the feelings are still the same. We still got to the place where I believe we once were. Good friends, with something like love between us. Definitely more on the "love" side for me.

  Michael walks behind m
e and rests his chin on my shoulder. "I love you, friend," he whispers.

  Hearing him say these words might make any other girl think that he was trying to set a boundary, but knowing Michael the way I think I do, this is actually a deeper proclamation. Once Michael sees you and loves you as a friend, you are a friend for life. He plans to keep me close.

  I quietly inhale and try not to let my emotions come through. I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck, being careful not to spill our coffee. "I love you back," I manage to say without tears.

  I believe that Michael and I are still this way in our future. Our relationship's foundation is built on a strong friendship, and we have maintained it. Even though we had our problems, and some that I suppose forced me back to this time, we still had that bond. It was the emotional place we would try to go to whenever our romantic relationship wasn't as strong. However, it appears that I forgot that, and it could be the reason I'm back in this life.

  "I never thought I would meet someone like you when I came here," he confesses.