The Nostalgia Effect

by EJ Valson

  "I know you didn't," I reply.

  "I'm glad I did," he says, gently stroking my hair. This gesture instills even more familiarity of our relationship in me.

  He clears his throat and kisses my neck as he pulls away. I see what I think are tears in his eyes as he turns and walks back inside. I smile, in knowing that he loves me.

  CHAPTER 67

  Though I feel bad for the emotions Michael is going through, I'm excited at the possibility that he won't completely let me go when he leaves tomorrow. If he really feels connected to me, then he might find a way to hang on. And I need him to hang on.

  After lunch, Michael spends some time re-packing a few things upstairs while I get ready for the company that will arrive in two hours, as we are having a barbecue. A little after 3:00 p.m. my cell phone rings. I pick it up to check the caller ID. Immediately a knot hardens in my stomach when seeing that it's Joe. I take the phone and quickly head to the garage where it's quiet.

  "Hello?" I answer, acting cheerful.

  "Hey, Jen, sorry to bug you, but it just occurred to me that tomorrow is Mother's Day and Olivia has a gift she really wants to give to you," he explains.

  Crap! In the midst of all of this, I totally forgot that it was Mother's Day weekend. I feel like a horrible mother.

  "You know what, I would love to get that from her," I quickly reply.

  "Well, what if she came and stayed there with you tonight?" he suggests.

  I hurriedly try to figure out how this will work. I'm not technically married to Joe anymore, but Olivia has only been around Michael on occasion during the few company functions we've had, like "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." This would change up the night a bit, but she could just sleep with me and I could put Michael in a spare bedroom. Besides, I'm sure he would enjoy being around her.

  "Sure, OK. I'll come and get her in an hour," I say before hanging up.

  I tell Bjorn and Michael the new plan, and they're both fine with it. Michael even moves his stuff to the spare bedroom where Olivia normally sleeps. Around 4:00 p.m. I leave Michael and Bjorn to skewer the shish kabobs while I get Olivia. I drive quickly to the house and meet her at the door.

  "Hi, Mommy!" she squeals.

  "Hi, baby!" I say, hugging her tight. ??

  When I enter the house, Joe walks out of the kitchen. "Hey there," he says, chipper.

  "Hi," I say back to him, then turn to Olivia. "Are you all packed?" I ask her.

  "Yep. I just gotta get my backpack," she says, as she runs back to her room.

  "So, what are you going to do tonight?" I ask Joe, making conversation.

  He gets a slight grin on his face. He appears a little sheepish. "Actually?I have a date," he says. ?

  Oddly enough this admission makes me a bit hopeful. I'm curious, and a little put off, but this could be a good thing.

  "Oh, really. With who?" I ask, trying to be nonchalant.

  "Just a girl I met at work," he says, trying to downplay it. But I can tell by his expression, that he's happy about this.

  "Good, Joe. I'm happy for you," I say smiling.

  My admission surprises him. "Really?" he asks.

  I nod. "Yeah. You deserve good things," I reply.

  Joe seems to relax and he grins. "Thanks," he says.

  "OK, Mommy, I'm ready!" Olivia shouts as she runs into the living room wearing her backpack and carrying a large teddy bear.

  "Great!" I say enthusiastically.

  Joe bends down and gives her a quick hug. "Have a good Mother's Day. I'll be staying here tonight, but gone by late morning," he says.

  "No worries. Have a good date," I say, jokingly giving him a thumbs up. He chuckles, then closes the door behind us.

  In the car, I decide to try to get Olivia to tell me who Joe is going out with. "Hey, Livi, have you met any of daddy's friends that are girls?" I innocently ask.

  "Um, no," she says, oblivious to my intent as she looks out the car window.

  "Do you know where he's going tonight?" I question.

  "Uh, uh." she answers. I deflate. This is frustrating. I want to know if it's Rachel! "But he talked to his friend Sara today," she reveals.

  Sara? Who the hell is Sara? "Oh, does she work with daddy?" I inquire.

  "Yeah, she's really nice. She gave me a sucker when we went in to daddy's work yesterday," she says excitedly.

  Crap! Somehow in the midst of this, Joe has managed to land with the wrong girl. Damn it! I quickly think of what I can do to throw him back on course, but like Astrid says, I'm not supposed to try and control the outcome. What am I going to do about this anyway? Intervene? Play matchmaker? I think not.

  CHAPTER 68

  I'm still a little irritated at Olivia's revelation about "Sara" when I pull into my mom's driveway. Lewis' car is parked on the street in front of the house, so I assume that Stacy is already here too. When I step out of the car I'm greeted by the pleasant scent of a smoking grill nearby. This instantly calms me and turns my mood around. I love barbecues and the smell transcends me to the easy breezy summer days to come. Warm sun, longer days, wearing shorts, tan legs, the smell of sunscreen, swimming pools and the casualness of the season. I remind myself that this is the last night with Michael that I can be sure of. I need to drop the other stuff about Joe from my mind and focus on the here and now.

  Olivia practically bounces into the house, excited to see her "Auntie Stacy" and play with the dog. My mom's house is like her second home, equipped with her own bedroom and lots of toys. Once inside the house, she immediately runs to the backyard to greet everybody. I hear voices greet Olivia, followed by her giggles-which I assume are inspired by the dog licking her face. I take off my shoes and put her things by the stairs.

  "Hi!" Michael says from behind, startling me.

  "Shit!" I say, laughing. "You scared me."

  "Sorry," he says. "Hey, I had Lewis run me down to the store when you were gone and I got Olivia this. Do you think she'll like it?" he asks, while reaching for a large, pink ball behind the banister.

  My heart melts. "She will love it,'' I say. "Thank you."

  He eagerly heads out to the back yard. I stay in the house and watch out the picture window as he approaches Olivia and hands her the ball. A wide smile sweeps across her face and she leans in to hug him while thanking him. Seconds later, they're playing a game of soccer with the big ball that looks like a giant bubble gum bubble.

  Olivia is wildly chasing the ball and trying to kick it, laughing the entire time. Michael is enjoying himself just as much. My heart aches a bit at the thought that he may never do this again with her or never get the chance to play with his own daughter, Stella.

  I fight the urge to cry while preparing dinner. Michael, Stacy, Bjorn, Olivia and Lewis stay outside to take advantage of what's left of the sunshine as the sun begins its retreat. I preoccupy myself with a glass of wine, music and chopping vegetables. Michael checks in occasionally to see if I need help, but I just smile and tell him that I'm fine and to go enjoy himself.

  After a while Lewis walks into the house. "The barbecue tank seems low. Michael is going to run to Stacy's to get hers," he says.

  "Oh, OK. I'll go with him. I know where it is," I say. I check with Stacy, who's coloring with Olivia at the patio table, and make sure she'll keep an eye on her.

  "You going with me?" Michael asks, while putting on his shoes.

  I nod. "Yep," I say.

  "Good," he says, smiling.

  The sun is beginning to tuck itself behind the coastal mountains when we step out of the house. The sky is painted orange and pink, and is almost blinding if you stare at it too long. As we begin our journey, Michael slips his hand into mine. We continue to walk in silence as we make our way through the neighborhood towards Stacy's. Birds are chirping here and there. There's no one out on the street. It's so peaceful.

  We head up Stacy's driveway and I open the gate to her backyard. Michael walks ahead to start disconnecting the propane tank
from the grill. I wait by the gate while he completes his task and watch some birds flying across the sky. It's the beginning of a beautiful night.

  Michael comes around from the side of the house with the tank cradled in his arms. I can tell that it's full of gas and a bit heavy. I'm disappointed by the realization that we won't be holding hands on the way back to my mom's. And because Olivia is there, we are being careful not to be affectionate in front of her. It's too soon for her to see me with someone else. And I don't want her sharing any information about Michael and me with Joe.

  We slowly make our way down the sidewalk to the house. I'm a few steps ahead of Michael, who is concentrating on carrying the tank in an upright position. The sunset glows from behind him, illuminating his body. Life couldn't point him out for me anymore obviously than it is right now. The light of the sun radiating upon him acts like a spotlight.

  I stop at the corner where we usually cross and watch him approach me while I wait. He grunts a little as he sets the gas tank down to rest. His eyes meet mine and it happens before I can even sense it coming. Michael pulls me in, hands gently placed behind the back of my neck, and kisses me fully.

  It's like coming home after being gone for years. It's like breathing again when you didn't even realize you were out of breath. A rush of new, yet familiar life fills my lungs and body at once. My heart beats fast and hard in my chest. I lose all sense of what surrounds us and fall completely into his embrace. With every careful kiss, I feel my soul plant itself deeper into a foundation that I know we've built before. I hold on to every sensation, absorb it all and let it course through my veins until it settles.

  When we finally move apart we stare at each other for a moment. I only see him, he only sees me. Can he feel it too?

  CHAPTER 69

  To maintain an appropriate environment for Olivia, Michael sleeps in the guest room on Saturday night. I wake up the next morning to find Olivia turned half way around, her legs sprawled over my abdomen. The house is quiet. I look at the bedside clock, it's only 7:00. I let out a big sigh and prepare myself for what lies ahead. He leaves today.

  My heart feels like it could split in two as I accept this reality. He's only steps away in the next room and by tomorrow he will be more than five thousand miles, nine hours and an ocean away. I start to feel shaky with anxiety. I curse my body for confining me here.

  I quietly get out of the bed and slip out of the room, closing the door behind me. I carefully open the door into Michael's room and peek in. Rather than sleeping, he's sitting up in bed, writing something. He notices the door opening and quickly looks up.

  He smiles and sets aside the paper and pen. "Hey," he whispers.

  "Hi," I reply, slumping into the bed with him. I fold myself into his arms and bury my head into his chest. I just want to stay here. I want to keep his scent and his warmth with me always. I wish I could bottle it.

  He lightly rubs my back and returns the embrace. "So, today is the day," he whispers. I nod. "I'm sorry," he says sensing my sadness.

  After a while, we hear Olivia stir, so I quickly go back to the room we're sharing before she realizes I'm gone. Michael leaves his room to shower in the hall bathroom. When I return, Olivia greets me with big "good morning" hug and I snuggle back in bed with her. She's my constant. She's the one thing that always kept me grounded when I was single, between the time I divorced Joe and when I met Michael. We had our own life together. She was my little trooper. I could take her anywhere, around anyone. She was always well behaved.

  I never let anyone I was dating meet her. From what I recall, the only reason I let Michael meet her before we'd started dating was because I never had an initial romantic interest in him. I wasn't worried that he would enter her life and then leave, because I didn't think we would ever be so involved. When we did decide to start a relationship, she already knew him as Mommy's friend and liked him.

  "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy," Olivia says, squeezing me as best she can. I'm reminded of the holiday and take a mental note to call my mom and Mary later. She then jumps off the bed, runs to her backpack, unzips the front compartment and pulls out a flower made of craft paper.

  "Here you go," she says, proudly handing me the gift. I wrap my arms around her tiny body and hug her tight.

  Later on, we all get ready and pack my car up with Michael and Bjorn's luggage. We have three hours until they need to catch the shuttle to the airport that's two hours away, so we decide to have lunch downtown with Stacy and Lewis-our last meal together.

  We have a quick lunch at a pizza place and then stop for gelato. It's a gorgeous day, so we decide to walk while eating our dessert. Olivia is happily walking ahead of us with her treat in hand. Bjorn, Stacy and Lewis are talking about motorcycles, but Michael and I remain quiet while strolling down the riverfront path. It's a bittersweet moment, my heart is heavy with the weight of it all.

  We make our way to the in-ground fountains, where other children are playing in the water. "Can I go, Mommy?" Olivia eagerly asks.

  "Sure, just take off your shoes first," I tell her.

  I sit down on a large, warm rock bench and watch as she carefully approaches a fountain that's sprouting water three feet high. Michael sets his gelato cup down and sneaks up behind Olivia. He then scoops her up and runs with her through the fountains. She's screaming with laughter as he ducks in and out of the fountain rows. They're both getting wet, but don't seem to care. Stacy pulls her camera from her purse and starts taking video.

  Flashes begin in my head that are quick and painful. This moment has happened before. In a minute, Olivia will run up to me, wet and tired. Michael will be out of breath from running with her. The flash stops and I breathe quietly to calm myself without drawing attention. As I collect myself, Olivia runs over and grabs my legs, making them wet. Everything I just pictured starts to take place.

  Michael makes his way to me with a big smile on his face, happily panting from the activity. His shirt is wet, along with his shoes. "You OK?" he asks, noticing my confused expression. I nod to assure him, but I'm not convinced myself.

  We sit out in the sun for a bit longer to allow Michael and Olivia time to get dry. After forty-five minutes, Bjorn sits up from the bench he was lying on and turns to Michael. "It's time to head over," he says. My heart slows, then painfully aches. I'm not ready for what's about to happen.

  I look at Lewis and Stacy cuddling on a rock together. As they kiss and nuzzle and relish in their new found relationship, I sit here and die a little inside. The love of my life is about to leave me. This is horribly painful and the worst part is that I have to hide how much it hurts. No one but Astrid knows how deeply in love with Michael I am. No one else knows how certain I am that he's the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life.

  As I grudgingly strap Olivia into her booster seat and get behind the wheel of my car, I try my best to remain calm and prepare myself to say goodbye to Michael. As we drive through town to the shuttle stop, I feel like I'm part of a funeral procession. Everything seems to be moving slowly and it's eerily quiet. I want to stop time, I want to stop this moment and tell Michael everything. I want to prevent this from being the end?.but I can't.

  Lewis and Stacy pull into the parking lot ahead of us and park. They get out casually, as if nothing is happening. Because to them, nothing is, other than saying bye to a couple of new friends. Their stake in this situation is low.

  Michael is as hesitant to move as I am. He's suddenly grown quiet and seems down. Bjorn quickly gets out of the car and walks to the trunk to get his bags. Olivia is now asleep in the backseat, so we are careful to not wake her when closing the car doors. I make sure the windows are all the way down so she gets air, while we stand outside of the car and wait.

  Michael grabs his large suitcase and backpack from the trunk and exhales heavily as he closes it. I stand in silence, willing myself not to break down and cause a scene. Lewis and Stacy stand on the curb near the shuttle stop. They decide
to say their goodbyes now because they have to get to his Lewis's parents' house for dinner soon. I'm grateful they will not be here to witness my reaction to Michael's departure. Within minutes they're in their car and off, but not before Stacy gives me a wink and mouths to me to call her later. She can sense that I'm sad.

  The situation is bittersweet-emphasis on the "bitter." He came, we met, we feel something and now he has to leave. This isn't as simple as saying, "Hey, come back and live with me." Michael is young and has to finish school. And then there's the fact that we have technically only known each other for three months in this current time. He's not an impulsive person. He thinks things through and it would be out of his character to take a gamble and be irresponsible. Even if I told him what I know, he would have trouble accepting that as truth. He isn't one to get caught up in grandeur, drama or unrealistic fantasy.

  The shuttle bus pulls into the parking lot, disrupting my last quiet moments with him. I want to throw up and cry at the same time. This is all wrong! Michael looks at me with apologetic eyes. He seems torn between what he wants to do and what he has to do. I can tell by how he's acting that he's also struggling with this. Even though I'm relieved to see that he's feeling something, what difference does it make now? He has to go and I can't do anything to stop him.