Listen to the Marriage

by John Jay Osborn

  “No, I’m not happy,” Gretchen said. “I have trouble sleeping. I miss the kids really badly when I don’t have them. So, no. Honestly, I’m not happy. But I think having these meetings with Steve just makes me feel worse.”

  “Why is that, do you think?” Sandy said. She was looking at Gretchen, but from the corner of her eye she saw Steve. He was staring at Gretchen transfixed, as if his life were hanging in the balance.

  Sandy looked at the green chair. She felt something there, sitting there, watching.

  “On the one hand, these changes in Steve, I don’t really believe them,” Gretchen said. “I think they’re an act. On the other hand, if they are real, then it makes me incredibly sad, because we might have made a life together if Steve had made these changes long ago.”

  Gretchen turned in her chair and looked at Steve.

  “I wish I could feel something for you, but I can’t,” she said. “It just isn’t there, Steve. You stamped it out and it’s not coming back. I can never trust you again.”

  Tears formed in the corners of Gretchen’s beautiful blue eyes.

  “I’m so sorry,” Steve said in a whisper.

  “So am I,” Gretchen said.

  The land mine went off.

  She started to get up, saying, “I think that’s it for me. Thanks for working with us, Sandy.”

  “This is just the beginning,” Sandy said forcefully. “You are absolutely crazy if you walk out of here now. I mean it. I understand how badly you feel, but you’re going to feel much worse if you leave.” Sandy got halfway out of her chair: “Sit down!”

  It was as if Sandy had shot Gretchen in the chest with an arrow. Gretchen fell back into her seat and her eyes filled with tears; she cried, weeping in gasps. Sandy reached for the box of tissues on the end table near her chair and held it out for Gretchen. But Gretchen wasn’t ready for it. Her eyes were closed and she was sobbing in big gulps of air. It took almost five minutes before she shook it off, opened her eyes. Then Sandy handed her the box, and this time she took a tissue.

  “Wow, I’m really, really tired,” Gretchen said. “I’m a wreck. I slept maybe twenty minutes last night.”

  She blinked, looked around, coming back to the room.

  “I wonder if I can have a session alone with you,” Gretchen said to Sandy. “I have things to say that I’m not comfortable saying with Steve around.”

  “Sure,” Sandy said.

  Gretchen looked over at Steve.

  “Don’t let this freak you out, this isn’t about you or us,” Gretchen said.

  How much of this did Steve understand? Sandy wondered. He didn’t respond to Gretchen, but he seemed relieved, as if his world had spun around on a roulette wheel, he had bet on the red, and amazingly the little bouncing ball had landed there, on the red, in a safe place for now.

  11.

  First Gretchen left a session in the middle of it, then she tried to stop altogether. What was going on? Gretchen was seeing something up ahead that she didn’t want to face, some terrible problem. What is it, Gretchen? Sandy wondered.

  “I’m sorry I lost it the other day,” Gretchen said.

  “Something important is going on,” Sandy said. “You didn’t want to stop our sessions because all the problems had been solved between you and Steve.”

  “Look, I can’t keep going on this way,” Gretchen said, leaning forward. “I was really excited and energized when I separated from Steve and moved into the city. Now I’m drained, exhausted. This whole process is killing me. I can’t keep going through it.”

  She sounded drained, exhausted.

  “Can we talk a little about what you’re going through?” Sandy said.

  “So there is Bill back in L.A., who I’ve been talking to on the phone pretty much every day for months, but with whom I’ve actually gotten together four times in all,” Gretchen said. “The fact is he’s married, it’s his second marriage. Suppose we could work out the logistical issues. Would I want to be this guy’s third wife?”

  This guy? Sandy didn’t say anything.

  “I’m so lonely, I’ve actually made some other stupid choices, and recently slept with someone that I regret,” Gretchen said.

  She sort of threw her hands in the air, rolled her eyes.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know if I regret it. I mean, so what?”

  “Right,” Sandy said.

  “But I want more out of life. I feel like I’m going round and round and round, while Steve is making some sort of crazy progress,” Gretchen said. “I’m losing it.”

  “You look really tired,” Sandy said.

  “I look like shit,” Gretchen said.

  But actually, though she did look tired, in some ways Gretchen seemed more beautiful than ever. What is it, Sandy wondered, what’s got you scared?

  “No, you just look tired,” Sandy said.

  “I don’t sleep, I forget stuff, I’m winging it when I’m teaching. I’m really unhappy,” Gretchen said.

  “I’m sorry,” Sandy said.

  “I have to tell you,” Gretchen said. “One reason that I regret sleeping with this guy is that now he won’t leave me alone. He got the idea that somehow I like him.”

  “He got lucky,” Sandy said. “But he didn’t get that lucky.”

  “I feel trapped,” Gretchen said. “Like I’m being tossed all over the place.”

  “Tell me more,” Sandy said. Anything to keep Gretchen talking.

  “I’m feeling trapped, no options, no way forward. You know, I haven’t met a single guy who I would want to be with except for Bill, and as I said, that is really, really wearing thin,” Gretchen said.

  “Why?” Sandy said.

  “It isn’t enough to talk to him on the telephone,” Gretchen said. “It just isn’t working for me anymore.”

  “When you do talk on the phone, how do you feel?” Sandy asked.

  “I used to tell him everything, he was like my spirit guide. He’d been through all of this before. Now it’s different,” Gretchen said.

  “Like how?” Sandy asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Gretchen said slowly.

  “I have an idea of what may be going on,” Sandy said. “Maybe the issues you’re facing now are ones that Bill can’t help you with. You’re still married. He’s an expert on divorce.”

  “Haven’t they been the same issues all along?” Gretchen said.

  “For three months, we dealt with the practical issues of separating. Steve had to get to the point of seeing he needed his own place. You had to accept Steve taking equal care of the kids. The big issue left is seeing if you can develop skills so that you can relate to each other in a much better way,” Sandy said.

  “I don’t want to live with Steve again,” Gretchen said.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you,” Sandy said. “Everything I’m hearing says the other options aren’t appealing. Bill isn’t the right guy. The guy you slept with isn’t right. Who do you think about the most? It’s Steve. Isn’t it?”

  “I can’t fucking get rid of him,” Gretchen hissed.

  “I know you can’t,” Sandy said. “Because you’re not done with him. You still have issues with Steve.”

  “Maybe, but if I really need to, I will. I’ll get the best, most hard-ass lawyer and sue him for divorce,” Gretchen said.

  “The last thing you want is a lawyer, isn’t it?” Sandy said.

  “Of course, I hate them, I hate the idea of them,” Gretchen said, her temper rising with her voice. “But I’m not going to be pushed around.”

  “So what you were really saying is that if Steve hurts you, then you’ll get a lawyer and sue him,” Sandy said.

  “Maybe,” Gretchen said. “I don’t know.”

  “Can I ask you one thing?” Sandy said.

  Gretchen nodded. “Of course,” she said.

  “How do you really feel about Steve right now?”

  “I don’t know, I don’t know,” Gretchen said
, her hands up, palms facing Sandy. “I honestly do not know. I’d like him to suffer, but he seems to be immune to suffering. He seems to always land on his feet.”

  “Oh, he’s suffered,” Sandy said. “He still is.”

  “I doubt it,” Gretchen said.

  “Steve hurt you so much that you don’t know if you can live with him again. But if somehow you could begin to create a relationship that transcended all that hurt, all the suffering, and Steve kept changing before your eyes…”

  “That’s a lot of ifs,” Gretchen said.

  “But much of it is under your control,” Sandy said. “Why don’t you give it time and see what happens?”

  “Why does Steve constantly get what he wants?” Gretchen said angrily. “He doesn’t support my work, he ignores the kids, he’s an egomaniac, he screws around behind my back. Do you understand that he cheated on me when I was crazed about getting tenure? He fucked some bimbo. Then he gets me to take him back? How does he deserve that?”

  “I can never figure out who deserves what,” Sandy said. “But if you’re saying that Steve would be incredibly lucky to get back together with you, yes, he would be.”

  Gretchen leaned toward Sandy conspiratorially.

  “I have something funny to tell you,” she said. “You remember Bonny?”

  “I don’t think you told me about Bonny,” Sandy said.

  “She went to college with me and Steve, has two children, is divorced, and has been an important friend. Sort of,” Gretchen said.

  Oh yes, I know all about you, Bonny, Sandy thought, pretty sure of what was coming.

  “She asked me what I would think if she went out with Steve,” Gretchen said. She rolled her eyes.

  “What did you tell her?” Sandy said.

  “I said it’s none of my business,” Gretchen said. “You’re welcome to him.”

  “How do you really feel?” Sandy said.

  “I really feel like I took Steve apart and put him back together again as the new Steve, and now Bonny gets him?”

  “That’s funny,” Sandy said.

  “It’s ironic, isn’t it?” Gretchen said.

  “Have they gone out together?” Sandy asked.

  “How would I know?” Gretchen said.

  “One way would be to ask Steve,” Sandy said.

  “I don’t want to know about Steve’s personal life,” Gretchen said.

  Sandy shook her head.

  “You have these sorts of rules,” Sandy said. “Or maybe they’re walls. Can I ask you why you don’t want to know about Steve’s personal life? And it doesn’t work for me if you say, I don’t have any right to know about Steve’s love life. No rights and wrongs.”

  “It’s his private life,” Gretchen said exasperatedly.

  “So what?” Sandy said. “What difference does that make?”

  “I don’t want to tell him about my private life,” Gretchen said.

  “So what?” Sandy said. “We’re not talking about you telling Steve about your lovers. We’re talking about him telling you about his.”

  “Isn’t there a quid pro quo?” Gretchen said. “If I ask him about his private life, doesn’t he have the right to ask about mine?”

  “No,” Sandy said. “No rights.”

  “Okay,” Gretchen said. “No rights. But he’ll presume that I won’t mind if he asks me.”

  “Then you can straighten him out,” Sandy said. “You can just say, I don’t feel comfortable talking with you about my love life. I only want to talk about yours.”

  “You think that will work with Steve?” Gretchen said. She was incredulous, and suddenly she smiled. “Sandy, you are sort of nuts,” she added.

  Yes, Sandy thought. I’ve been told that. She looked at the green chair, then back at Gretchen, who noticed.

  “What’s with the green chair?” Gretchen asked. “It doesn’t match the other chairs.”

  “I think it does,” Sandy said.

  Gretchen shrugged and didn’t pursue it.

  “Why wouldn’t it work with Steve?” Sandy said. “Really. Seriously. Why can’t you have things the way you want them? Especially with Steve: just tell him what you want. Frankly, that’s pretty much all you’ve got to do. But you don’t do it.”

  Gretchen looked off toward the corner of the room.

  “Okay, let me ask you something else. If Steve tells you he wants to talk to you about going out with Bonny, what are you going to do?” Sandy said.

  “Tell him it’s none of my business,” Gretchen said. “I can’t stop him from going out with someone.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second,” Sandy said. “You can stop Steve in a heartbeat.”

  Gretchen considered it again.

  “Yes. I could,” she said. “I could.”

  “Of course you could,” Sandy said. “What I don’t understand is why there are all these rules about what you talk to Steve about. If I were you, and Bonny had asked if she could sleep with my husband, I think I’d talk to him about it.”

  “She didn’t ask if she could sleep with Steve,” Gretchen said.

  “Oh, come on,” Sandy said. “What do you think it was all about?”

  “Steve and I are separated,” Gretchen said.

  “Again, so what? Are you divorced? And even if you were, would that make any difference?” Sandy said.

  “Are you telling me that you want me to talk to Steve about what Bonny said?” Gretchen asked.

  “Not quite,” Sandy said. “I’m saying you’d like to talk to Steve about it, but are scared of doing it because you don’t want to have any intimacy with Steve, for lots of good reasons.”

  “I actually agree with that,” Gretchen said. “I have lots of good reasons for not talking about personal stuff with Steve. Are you saying I should anyway?”

  “These are complicated feelings, what you’re going through with Steve. Yes, I think you have to engage with him if you’re ever going to sort these feelings out, and that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get you guys back together,” Sandy said. Is that true? Sandy wondered.

  “I’m really, really angry with Steve,” Gretchen said. “Sometimes it’s a white-hot anger that burns through me and just kills.”

  “I think that is something you should talk to Steve about,” Sandy said. She leaned toward Gretchen and took her hand. Gretchen let her hold it.

  “You can do this, Gretchen,” Sandy said. “You already changed Steve. That was great work. Don’t stop now.”

  12.

  “When I saw Sandy alone,” Gretchen said to Steve, “I talked to her about how it made me feel that you were renting the house, that you were taking the kids half-time.”

  Taking was an interesting word choice …

  “Okay,” Steve said.

  “I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t stop you from taking them half-time,” Gretchen said. “I will also say that the house you’ve rented is fine. It has a lot of space. I like the yard. It’s quiet.”

  “I’m glad you like it,” Steve said.

  “Another thing that I told Sandy was that Bonny Garvey asked me if I would be upset with her if she went out with you,” Gretchen said. “I told her that we were separated and it was up to you to decide who you wanted to go out with.”

  “I went out with Bonny once, and I don’t plan on seeing her again,” Steve said. “But thanks for telling me. Anything else you need to tell me?”

  “That’s it,” Gretchen said.

  “That was a pretty lame conversation,” Sandy said.

  There was more about Bonny, both of them knew it, both of them didn’t want to talk about it. Sandy decided to deal with it.

  “You guys really need to do better,” Sandy said. “It’s so important. Everything is flat, affectless. It’s all so formal. Gretchen, you didn’t have any feelings when Bonny told you she was interested in Steve? That’s not what you told me.”

  “I told you it wasn’t my business who Steve went out with,” Gretchen sai
d.

  “That was just one of the things you said,” Sandy said. She leaned toward Gretchen. “We need to take some chances here, talk about your emotions. What did you feel when Bonny talked to you, Gretchen?”

  “I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “I guess I thought it was inevitable. Bonny is divorced, she’s always liked Steve.”

  “Again, that is a statement of fact,” Sandy said. “How did it make you feel?”

  Gretchen shook her head.

  “Okay, I guess it pissed me off,” she said.

  “Why?”

  “I force these changes in Steve—he becomes superdad—and someone else gets the benefits?” Gretchen said. She crossed her arms. “And I also feel sad, because this separation is moving on, and on, and on toward divorce. There goes that dream I had a long time ago, the one that Steve ruined.”

  “I feel sad too,” Steve said.

  But it wasn’t moving on and on toward divorce, not at the moment anyway, Sandy thought. Gretchen? She seemed to think it had to move to divorce. It was the way her mind went. Again with the rules. But, they were talking.

  Sandy decided to leave Bonny Garvey until later.

  “That’s better,” Sandy said. “Now let’s try something else. I’d like you both to talk to each other and let me listen in. I’m not going to direct the conversation, I’m just going to observe.”

  Steve and Gretchen looked at each other, they looked at Sandy, then back at each other. Then Gretchen looked at Steve, hard.

  “For a long time, I’ve felt as if, when I try to say something and it runs counter to whatever you believe, you immediately have arguments ready for me,” Gretchen said.

  She was still looking intently at Steve.

  “You’re ready for me, like you’re lurking, waiting to hit me with your arguments,” Gretchen said. “Do you understand how much that turns me off?”

  Steve looked at Sandy, and she looked back at him but didn’t say anything. He looked at Gretchen.

  “I feel as if you are mad all the time,” Steve said. “As if you’re always attacking me, always angry with me. Nothing is…”

  “Hold on. We didn’t get very far,” Sandy said forcefully.

  She looked at Steve. “Steve, Gretchen tells you something and you don’t respond to it. Gretchen talked first. She went out on a limb there. And you didn’t say a word about what she said. You just changed the subject so that it was about her doing stuff that hurt you.”