Listen to the Marriage

by John Jay Osborn

  Steve looked at Sandy as if he didn’t understand what she was saying.

  “I told her how I felt about it,” he said.

  “No, you told her that she was mad all the time,” Sandy said. “You didn’t even acknowledge what she’d said. It’s like this, Steve.”

  Sandy leaned forward in her chair, she moved her hands as if she was wrapping something up.

  “Like Gretchen says, I fell and I’m bleeding. And you look at her and say, You’ll live. I want to talk about how I’m having a problem with your griping all the time. Do you understand that you did that, Steve?”

  Steve looked at Sandy with an almost frightened look of incomprehension.

  “Not really,” Steve said. “I thought we were talking about what was wrong with our relationship.”

  “Steve,” Sandy said. “I said I wanted to listen in on a conversation between you and Gretchen. What happened?”

  “Gretchen said that whenever she says something I always have arguments ready to support my side,” Steve said.

  “Yes,” Sandy said. “And then you said?”

  “That Gretchen was always mad at me,” Steve said.

  “Someone had to start this conversation I asked for. You could have, but you didn’t. So Gretchen did. And when she did, you ignored her and changed the subject.”

  Sandy shook her head. Both Steve and Gretchen read it for what it said: How do I get Steve to understand?

  “Actually, Steve, the more I think about it, you let her start it and you were ready to jump on her,” Sandy said. “As Gretchen said, you were waiting for her. Listen, I want you to think about what Gretchen says to you.”

  “I do,” Steve said, pushing it out, not angry but defensive.

  “Well, maybe I said it wrong,” Sandy said. “I want you to listen to what Gretchen said and then you need to respond to what she said. Never change the subject.”

  “I didn’t change the subject,” Steve said.

  He is a very smart guy; how much money did his education cost? And he doesn’t think he changed the subject?

  “We were talking about what was wrong with our relationship,” Steve said quietly, carefully, and scared. “I kept on that theme.”

  Sandy looked over at Gretchen. It was amusing. There was a faint half smile on Gretchen’s face, just visible.

  “No,” Sandy said. “The theme was Gretchen. That was the theme. You went somewhere else. Gretchen was talking about what Gretchen thinks is wrong with the relationship. Gretchen put it out there. She was willing to start the conversation. The minute she said, Here is the problem, when she said, There is a problem with you, you said, No: the problem is with you, let’s talk about you.

  “You know what I think, Steve? You don’t want to talk about your relationship with Gretchen. It scares you. You’re scared of what Gretchen will say, so you try to shut her down.”

  Steve nodded.

  “Can I try it again?” Steve asked.

  “Sure,” Sandy said.

  Steve turned to Gretchen.

  “You feel as if I’m waiting to jump all over you when you say something personal,” Steve said. “And you said that really makes you angry.”

  “I don’t know about angry,” Gretchen said. “It makes me feel desperate.”

  “Why desperate?” Steve asked.

  “Like I can’t be my real self, I have to be this pretend self,” Gretchen said. “See how we got in trouble? I needed someone who would listen to me, just listen. Steve, most of the time, I would be grateful if you never even said a word. Can you do that?”

  13.

  “We’re not getting anywhere,” Sandy said. “Let’s start this over. You called and wanted to see me alone, and what you want to talk over with me, I think I’ve finally got this right, is whether you need to be completely honest with Gretchen in these sessions. Is that it?”

  “What I was trying to say is that there are different levels of truth,” Steve said. “I can tell Gretchen absolutely everything, I can leave some things out that perhaps I’m not ready to talk about, or I could actually lie to her.”

  “I have no idea how to deal with what you just said to me,” Sandy said. “Because it seems to me that the issue needs to be approached in a different way. Look, Steve, do you mind if I just talk? That we don’t have a dialogue?”

  “Sure,” Steve said. “Of course.”

  “First of all, I’m really glad you called and asked to see me, because this is so important. The question is, What kind of a life do you want to live? Do you want to live one where you know what is going on? Or where you don’t? Do you want a life where you make rational decisions because you know the facts, or where you make guesses? This question is more important than whether you get back together with Gretchen or don’t get back together. Let me tell you a story.”

  Sandy settled back in her chair.

  “My parents got divorced when I was about twelve. There were lots of reasons for their divorce. My mother was well on her way to becoming an important real estate developer and didn’t have a lot of time for my dad, but at its core the basic problem was that my mother lived in a world where everything was just great, it was fine, there were no troubles. But of course there were troubles, it was just that no one was allowed to talk about them. Well, that didn’t work well for my dad, because he had troubles, who doesn’t, and he wanted to talk about them. So the two of them drifted away from each other and ultimately my dad found someone who would listen to him. But me, I was still stuck with my mother, who was telling me that everything was for the best, the divorce was a good thing, and weren’t we so lucky and happy?

  “Well, I wasn’t feeling lucky or happy. I was feeling miserable, but I couldn’t say that to my mom, she just wouldn’t hear it, so you know what I did? I mean, I was thinking I might have to commit suicide to show Mom the real state of affairs, but that didn’t seem like such a good idea, since I’d end up dead. So what did I do? I called a cab and went to my dad’s. I had to be in a place where the reality of the world corresponded with my own personal reality. My mother tried to make me come home, she threatened in every way she could. She blamed my dad, saying that he had obviously planned this. But give him credit. He stood up to her. Anyway, what happened was that I ended up spending my entire high school years with my father.”

  Sandy shrugged.

  “Baseline reality is probably the most important thing in the world,” she said. “So I think you need to tell Gretchen everything that’s going on, everything. And if there is something you don’t want to tell her, something you are scared to tell her, that is exactly what you need to tell her. Do you think you can do that?”

  “But the problem is that if I tell Gretchen I slept with Bonny Garvey, for instance, she will divorce me,” Steve said.

  “I doubt it,” Sandy said. “Just to give you a reality check, she could have divorced you months ago. I thought she would. She didn’t. Why? I think she’s looking for you to change. Why don’t you try it?”

  “I am trying,” Steve said defensively.

  “I don’t mean taking the kids half-time, that was the easy part,” Sandy said.

  Steve looked annoyed, as if Sandy didn’t understand what he was saying.

  “Yes, I agree that I need to begin to tell Gretchen the truth, always,” Steve said. “But I don’t get why I need to go back and tell her everything I’ve ever done wrong. I’d like a fresh start.”

  “There is no fresh start,” Sandy said evenly. “Gretchen will never forget anything. Can we deal with reality?”

  “Is there forgiveness?” Steve asked.

  “How could she forgive something she doesn’t know about?” Sandy said. “Why don’t we deal with Bonny.”

  “There’s one thing more,” Steve said. “Bonny invited me to take my kids up to her parents’ place in Napa, where they would play with her kids. A weekend away.”

  “Why did Bonny ask you to take the kids up to her folks’ place in Napa for the weekend?” Sa
ndy asked.

  “I don’t know. She wanted company?” Steve said. “She was lonely?”

  “Oh, Steve,” Sandy said. “Look, she knows it will drive Gretchen crazy. She wants to split you guys up permanently.”

  Steve looked at Sandy with confusion.

  “Steve, think about it,” Sandy said. “Bonny asked Gretchen if it was okay to go out with you, because she wants Gretchen to know she’s going out with you. Next thing she’s going to do is let Gretchen know that she’s sleeping with you.”

  “I don’t think she would do that,” Steve said.

  “Of course she would,” Sandy said. “And why not? So the question is, Who do you want Gretchen to hear this from? You? Or Bonny?”

  Steve stared at Sandy.

  “Of course Gretchen knows you slept with Bonny,” Sandy said. “She has just ignored it, since it hasn’t been thrown right in her face. Gretchen is very good at ignoring unpleasant realities. It’s one of her big problems, but she’s working on it.”

  “I should never have slept with Bonny,” Steve said. “I knew it at the time.”

  “All this moral stuff,” Sandy said. “You both should take vows. Should, shouldn’t. Steve, you were as lonely as you’d ever been. Your wife had thrown you out. She was in love with someone else. So you looked for someone to comfort you. Anyone would.”

  “Right,” Steve said. “And you think that’s what Gretchen is going to think? That I was just really lonely?”

  “What do you think she’s going to think?” Sandy said.

  “That I’m a liar. A cheat. That I went to bed with one of her best friends,” Steve said.

  “You’re so melodramatic,” Sandy said. “I mean, yes, technically you are a liar and a cheat, but everyone makes mistakes. After Gretchen gets over her first reaction. Yes, anger is her first reaction. But when she has some emotional space, a little time, what is she going to feel?”

  “I’m going to be late-middle-aged by the time she’s not angry,” Steve said.

  “Come on,” Sandy said. “As a matter of fact, Gretchen is doing much better in the anger management department, which I hope you’ve noticed. No, really think about this: What is she going to feel?”

  “I don’t know,” Steve said.

  “Okay, let’s go back to square one,” Sandy said. “Your son, Chris, he hits his little sister. What does Gretchen feel?”

  “I guess disappointed,” Steve said. “She’s teaching him to use his words.”

  “So by analogy?”

  “Gretchen is going to feel disappointed in me?”

  “Of course,” Sandy said. “One of Gretchen’s most important projects in life has been making you better, making you into a better person. She’s tried and tried. Only, she keeps failing. You know why?”

  “I’m a slow learner?” Steve said.

  Sandy ignored the joke and looked hard at Steve.

  “Because you perceive her efforts as criticism,” Sandy said. “She’s trying to make you better, but all she’s managed to do is make you angry and set you up to cheat on her because your feelings are hurt and you feel unloved.”

  “I have to think about this,” Steve said slowly.

  “She’s a teacher,” Sandy said, smiling slightly. “If you could only realize that her goal is to make you better, to teach you, not to hurt you, you would be so much better off.”

  “So she’s going to feel disappointed with me because I slept with Bonny?” Steve said.

  “I think you can count on it,” Sandy said. “If you’re going to sleep with someone, at least do it with someone Gretchen respects.”

  “That’s funny,” Steve said.

  “Yeah?” Sandy said. “Why is it funny?”

  “That’s what I thought myself,” Steve said. “Afterward, I thought, This is crazy, you don’t even respect her.”

  “There you go,” Sandy said. “So you need to tell Gretchen about it.”

  “You really think it’s going to be okay?” Steve said.

  “Probably not, but I don’t know,” Sandy said. “I do know it’s better than waiting for Bonny to do it. Bonny is part of your circle of friends. Of course Gretchen needs to know about it. By the way, are you still sleeping with Bonny?”

  “No,” Steve said. “I only slept with her once.”

  “Sometime we should talk about Gabrielle,” Sandy said.

  “Gabrielle?”

  “Just think about it,” Sandy said. “Then we’ll talk.”

  “You’re a terrifying marriage counselor,” Steve said.

  Sandy honed in on Steve, looked right into his eyes.

  “Play the long game, Steve,” she said.

  14.

  Steve was looking better. His skin had some shine in it, he moved more athletically now.

  “I want to discuss something with you,” Gretchen said. It came out a bit formally, an announcement that she expected Steve to pay attention. “I talked to you about this a while back, but there was stuff I skipped.”

  “Okay,” Steve said.

  “Remember when Bonny asked me if it was all right with me if she went out with you?” Gretchen said.

  She got Steve’s full attention, Sandy noticed. It was great: they were both on the same page emotionally, the same thing bothering them. But now they were … Were they? They were at least trying to go further.

  “I told her that who you went out with wasn’t any of my business,” Gretchen said.

  Steve nodded.

  “But when I really think about it, I do care who you go out with,” Gretchen said.

  Gretchen had Sandy’s attention too, her full attention, just like Steve. It was unlike Gretchen to wade into the water on her own. Usually, she needed to be pushed.

  “For one thing, I don’t want the kids hanging out with someone I don’t trust,” Gretchen said. “For another, I do have some lingering affection for you. I’m nervous telling you this, because I think you’re going to make too much of it.”

  “I have affection for you too,” Steve said.

  This talk about mutual affection was enough to tip Steve into the danger zone, the place where Sandy wanted him. Sandy could see it on his face. He brightened. He hoped.

  “Bonny invited me to take the kids up to her folks’ place in Napa for a weekend when I had the kids,” Steve said. “I told her it might be fun to come up there for the day but that I wasn’t going to spend the weekend.”

  Gretchen didn’t say anything. Sandy could feel the wheels spinning in her brain, though.

  “Why did you tell her that you wouldn’t spend the weekend?” Sandy said.

  “I wondered, What would I think if Gretchen did this with some divorced guy who had children? Went away for the weekend with all their kids?” Steve said. “It would freak me out. And not because they were having sex together. Not even because they had sex with the kids in the next bedroom. Because I would think that Gretchen was trying to replace me.”

  “If you have sex with the kids in the next room, I’ll kill you,” Gretchen said evenly, all the screws on her diving suit clamping down. She was diving toward the bottom.

  “It’s not going to happen,” Steve said.

  “Well, something is going to happen,” Gretchen said loudly. “At some point everything is going to happen. Let’s not kid ourselves. Are you crazy?”

  They were, a bit, Sandy thought. Who wouldn’t be?

  “Talking about what happened here, just now,” Sandy said. “You guys were having a pretty good conversation and then it blew up. Why? What are you feeling, Gretchen?”

  “I don’t know,” Gretchen said.

  “Of course you do,” Sandy said.

  “Sandy, it is such a cliché to ask, What are you feeling? It is pathetic,” Gretchen said. “You keep asking, What are you feeling? I feel nothing.”

  Does she even know what she’s saying? No, she doesn’t, Sandy thought.

  “Yes, I do keep asking what you are feeling,” Sandy said. “Because you hide it. Yo
u hide it all the time.”

  They looked at each other. Gretchen had been trained to hide her feelings since she was a little kid. And Gretchen knew it. What was she supposed to do about that? She looked at Sandy as if saying, Fuck you. She didn’t get that what was important was that Steve understood that she had been hiding her feelings since she was a little kid.

  You can’t change this, you were conditioned cruelly for years. But Steve wasn’t. He doesn’t have to change, he just has to understand.

  “Okay, here it is,” Gretchen said. She turned to Steve. “I can’t believe that you would consider going up to Napa with Bonny even for a day, let alone a weekend.”

  “Bonny is one of our oldest friends,” Steve said.

  “Fuck you, Steve,” Gretchen said. “But feel free to fuck whoever you want.”

  It was probably as close as Gretchen could get to expressing her central concern. It wasn’t that close, but it was progress. Come on, Steve. See it.

  “When did you talk to Bonny about going up to Napa?” Sandy asked Steve.

  He doesn’t even get the question.

  “You mean, when did she ask me?” Steve said.

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t know, this week,” Steve said. “Maybe Tuesday.”

  “I asked Bonny if she wanted to take her kids with me and my kids to the Discovery Museum on Tuesday,” Gretchen said. “But she didn’t have her kids, she said. I also asked her if she wanted to come over and have dinner with me and my kids Tuesday night, thinking she might be lonely, being all alone.”

  “I had dinner with Bonny on Tuesday night,” Steve said. “That’s when she suggested that we take all the kids up to Napa over the weekend.”

  Everyone knew what they were talking about except Steve, but now he got it, and he saw the decision he had to make, and he sort of gathered himself and went forward, into the dark. Be brave. Do it, Sandy thought.

  “I slept with Bonny on Tuesday night,” Steve said. “I was lonely, feeling sorry for myself.”