The Strawberry Heart

by Finella Vane

  “It will better for you if you tell them sooner rather than later.”

  “I know. I’ll tell them on Sunday. I’ll ask Gina to contact Lisa and have her to come to the restaurant.”

  “Are you more secure in your relationship now knowing that both of you have made a definite commitment?”

  “I knew that if I kept up my behavior I would push her away. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she left me but I feel better now.”

  “I never thought about leaving. I knew you weren’t happy about something and for a time I thought it was me. You had helped me thorough so much and I didn’t know how to help you. It seemed like everything I did just made you angrier and I hated when you yelled at me. It was worse when you’d walk away because I didn’t know what you were thinking. At least when you were yelling I knew what was on your mind.”

  “I’m sorry I kept it in for as long as I did. I should’ve trusted you enough to tell you even if I was too chicken to tell Gina and Lisa.”

  “Okay. I think you both made a lot of progress this week and at this session. We’ll meet the same time next week.”

  Both women agreed and Elise was happy to see them holding hands and smiling as they left her office. The doctor took out a red pen and made a note to watch Anselle for signs of depression but she hoped that with Niav’s love and help Anselle could recover from the loss she suffered.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  Gina’ relationships with her friends grounded her in the real world so she didn’t become too focused on her career. She had never met anyone like Niav, so broken and yet so loving and open in her willingness to share thoughts and ideas on life, art, history (which Gina secretly shares a passion for) and Gina’ first love, food. The chef could only imagine how vibrant a person Niav was or could be again once her disorder was sorted out. Gina never asked about her disorder and for that Niav was very grateful. More than once Gina offered her new friend a position in the restaurant, whenever she was able to take it, but Niav always said ‘no thank you’. But she was more than willing and happy to make and try new recipes from home anytime Gina had an idea for something new to add to the menu. In fact, some of the things Niav had made Anselle for dinner had been at Gina’ request. The chef thought it was kind of funny that Anselle had no clue that she’ was being used as a guinea pig. Gina had been Niav’s shoulder to cry on over the past few weeks when Anselle wasn’t acting quite like herself. Niav told Gina that, aside from her relationship with Anselle, her friendship was the most important and meaningful relationship she’d ever had.

  Anselle was one of Gina’ oldest friends. Gina had been present at almost every important event that had happened in Anselle’s life during and since university; graduation, first ‘real’ job celebration, milestone birthday, first love, first flat, second flat and second love. But the one event Gina wished more than anything she could’ve been there for was first (and hopefully only) broken heart. She was so involved in getting her restaurant up and running she shut her friends out for a while and that was her biggest regret. If anyone knew how Anselle was feeling she did and she was incredibly sorry she wasn’t there for the broken hearted girl.

  Gina met Lisa the same day she met Anselle. Soon the three of them were hanging out every day. Lisa was (and still is) less shy than Anselle; never afraid to voice her like or more often dislike of something. The woman had always been hard to pin down. You thought she’d go one way and she went the other. Gina had always been there after every one of Lisa’s transgressions; every drunken one night stand or short lived relationship. Gina always thought the accountant had an unrequited crush on Anselle but was still surprised when the confession of love was made. The chef didn’t know who she felt sorrier for, Lisa or Anselle.

  Gina wasn’t a stupid girl, far from it, and she knew that having a date in her own restaurant was a bad idea but she did it anyway (twice), (in one week), (with two different women!). During each date the chef was called into the kitchen several times; neither woman seemed to mind much yet every time she returned to the first woman she found more and more of her own steak was gone while her pile of vegetables grew and she looked up to find the blonde staring back at her wide-eyed with an innocent smile on her face.

  The first woman, Elise, light haired where she was dark, fair skin, easy smile, dazzling intelligence, unexpectedly wicked sense of humor, melodic laugh, sparkling eyes and she knew her steak. The first woman was open and fun. She was easy to be with despite of or because of her profession. She wore soft colors to flatter her flawless, ivory skin and light blue eyes. When she looked at her she was reminded of the grace and class of a certain 1950’s movie star.

  The second woman, Evelyn, was full of charm with an understated sexuality hidden behind a mass of long, dark brown hair, flirty gray-blue eyes and an impish grin. The second woman was more mysterious. She drew people in with her way of speaking and easy laugh and they needed to know more. She wore paisleys, plaids and florals in a more relaxed, office-casual style. She reminded her a little of a Bohemian artist.

  Both women piqued her interest but in different ways. The blonde appealed to her sense of humor and intellect while sharing an interest in her profession. The brunette appealed to her artistic side and her sense of adventure. With the first woman she went to street fairs and festivals; they had picnics in the park where she read to her while she laid her head in her lap and when she took her to her favorite butcher she had one of the best dates she’d ever had. The second woman took her to the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican Art Gallery and introduced her to art bars where they laughed as they doodled all over one of the cloth covered sofas.

  But when all was said and done the side of Gina that was a gentleman knew that dating two women at the same time was wrong and she had to choose one or the other. But which one?

  ***

  Elise was very good at separating work from play. She never asked Gina about Niav and Gina never asked her. She had also been hurt by divorce but hadn’t let it affect her personality. She refused to place blame on her ex-husband for the failure of the relationship and had made peace with the fact it didn’t work out. Besides good steak, she shared Gina’ appreciation for jazz and her ideal Sunday would be one spent in bed all day in her pajama’s reading the newspaper, doing the crossword puzzle and watching bad movies on TV while eating all kinds of junk food. She would’ve liked to have had children but when her husband left she threw herself into her career. She had dated some since the divorce but hadn’t had any serious relationships. She found that the women usually were only seeking some kind of free advice or were only after her for the money they perceived her to have because she was a doctor. While she did have a tidy nest egg stashed away that would keep her in comfort if she retired she was not willing to make that fact known to potential suitors.

  ***

  Evelyn was ever the dedicated, professional business woman running a very busy art department but she didn’t let the stress of her job control her personal life. She learned long ago to do her best to leave work at work. When the stress became too much she turned to her art. Her walls were lined with bright, abstracts in oil and minutely detailed water color landscapes. Gina would be more than happy to hang any of them in the restaurant. She’d had a couple of long-term relationships but in the end when the girl decided she should be more important to her than her career she disagreed and they left. After the end of each relationship she went through a brief mourning period and then bounced back with a smile and the knowledge that there was somebody out there for her who would understand her need for balance between career and personal life without demanding more than she wanted to or was able to give.

  ***

  Lisa knew she had to stop wallowing (and drinking) but she couldn’t help it. She knew she made a mistake that day with Niav but she still couldn’t bring herself to apologize. She was so tired of hearing Anselle go on and on about her new girlfriend and her problem it was driving her crazy and when she heard the woman s
ay ‘I love her’ something inside Lisa just snapped and she figured she would help the girl out with a shove in the right direction (no pun intended) and she was in the perfect place to provide such a shove right out the door. What really bothered Lisa was that the problem wasn’t Niav. Niav was wonderful. She was attractive, thoughtful, kind, funny, considerate, talented, had the sexiest Irish accent and she cooked. She was perfect for Anselle and it broke Lisa’s heart.

  The problem was Lisa had had a crush on Anselle since university but never told the object of her desire how she felt and now it was too late. Lisa tried not to be jealous or hate Niav but it was hard. The artist had something Lisa had always wanted; Anselle. Sometimes she wondered if things would be different if she had just told Anselle how she felt but she knew it was pointless. Anselle would never think of her as a lover or a partner. Niav seemed like the real thing; a keeper. The woman always hoped that Anselle would come around; see her in a different light, especially after what happened with Lee but Anselle never thought of her as anything but a friend.

  Lee: that girl was lucky she was still alive because Lisa wanted to kill her for hurting Anselle. But Anselle, ever the valiant knight, told Lisa to leave it alone. So, she did. For a year the woman held Anselle while she cried and wondered why it didn’t work out; sat with her while she drank and ate her way through gallons of black cherry ice cream; threatened her when she tried to justify Lee’s behavior and blame the break-up on herself. And all for what? For nothing. Now Anselle wasn’t even talking to her. Anselle had Niav. Wonderful, broken, needed-Anselle’s-help, Niav. At first Lisa thought Anselle would get tired of playing caretaker but it never happened. And now Anselle seemed to be broken too. According to Gina, Anselle was having temper tantrums and attending therapy sessions with her girlfriend. Instead of Anselle ‘fixing’ Niav, Niav had ‘broken’ Anselle.

  Maybe, Lisa thought, it was time for a change. She’d start with some time off, clear her head and decide what she wanted from life; cash in some of her investments; take a trip somewhere….New Zealand maybe.

  ***

  Niav couldn’t be happier to have the old Anselle almost back. Anselle was still a little tense because she had yet to tell Gina and Lisa about the money but Niav was sure once that was done and the money reimbursed the old Anselle would be all the way back. Anselle figured it out and it wouldn’t take all of Niav’s money to pay the two women back (after Anselle sold all of her stuff). Anselle didn’t want to take any of her partner’s money but Niav insisted. The artist had been very frugal with her money even before her agoraphobia; no expensive holiday trips or cars or fancy clothes. The most expensive thing she had was her TV and even that was a few years old.

  They were still debating who’s flat to move into. They agreed to keep the best furniture (Anselle’s bedroom; Niav’s living room) and sell off what was left over but they couldn’t decide which flat to keep it all in. Niav had all the bookcases that would have to be unpacked, moved and repacked (con); old appliances (con); carpeting (con to Anselle, pro to Niav). Anselle had new appliances (pro); hardwood floors (pro to Anselle, con to Niav). Niav’s was the place they agree they had their first date. Anselle’s was the place where they first made love (though technically it was on the bed which they were keeping). It hadn’t come down to tossing a coin yet but Anselle thought they were close to it. To Anselle it was really a decision between bookcases and appliances.

  Anselle had loosened up about Niav going out on her own as long as the artist said where she was going so the last few mornings after she checked her emails she had been going to the park to sketch. Evelyn had a friend who wanted to hire an artist to produce a set of tarot cards and Niav, after some research, was attempting to follow instructions on some of the Cups series of cards. She had an idea for the image of the cup but she was having a hard time fitting all of them on each card through the series.

  Niav had ordered lots of strawberries and had included them with every breakfast and in every dessert. She had even put some in Anselle’s new insulated lunch bag as a snack. They still hadn’t been to the restaurant to look at the collages yet and Anselle’s not sure Gina would even want to keep them after she heard what Anselle had to say about her money. Niav did her best to assure Anselle that she was underestimating the girl but Anselle had seen how people reacted when they found out they’ve lost money and it usually wasn’t with a smile.

  ***

  Saturday morning found the couple lying entwined on Anselle’s bed trading lazy kisses and gentle caresses. Neither girl felt any inclination to get up and make breakfast though every once in a while they hear one of their stomachs growl. They hadn’t had this kind of intimacy in weeks and they’ve missed each other terribly. Their feelings at their physical closeness go beyond what they described to Elise at their first couple’s session they just didn’t realize it at the time.

  Eventually their hunger won out and they dressed and headed to the kitchen. Niav had a new waffle maker she wanted to try. Anselle didn’t really want waffles but she told the woman she’d eat them if they could be chocolate chip waffles. Niav relented. Niav would always relent when it came to making Anselle’s favorites and because she wanted Anselle to be happy.

  Niav began by sifting flour into a bowl and mixing in baking powder and salt. She set that bowl aside to whisk together egg yolks, milk, vanilla extract and melted butter in another bowl. In yet another bowl she whipped egg whites until they formed loose peaks; sugar was added and she continued to beat until soft peaks formed. The next step was to combine the flour mixture and the egg yolk mixture until a batter formed. One third of the egg whites were folded into the batter to lighten it before the rest of the whites were folded in. The last thing to be added was the chocolate chips. Anselle preheated the waffle iron according to the operating instructions while Niav was preparing the batter. When the iron was ready Niav poured on just enough batter to fill each of the holes; she closed the lid and set the timer for five minutes. She served Anselle her waffle with a dollop of fresh whipped cream and sliced strawberries.

  Anselle deemed the waffles a complete success when she polished off her second one (just to be sure). “What would you like to do today?”

  It had been a long time since Niav had had to decide what to do with her time and she wasn't quite sure where to start. She still hadn’t gone out into crowded places and just thinking about it made her nervous. While she thought she picked up the breakfast dishes to take them to the sink “Do we have to go out?”

  “No, we don’t have to go out,” the blonde followed her partner into the kitchen to dry.

  Niav hands over a coffee mug, “But?”

  Anselle put the dry coffee mug on its hook, “But I think we should. You need to see if you can handle crowds and I need a distraction from thinking about tomorrow.”

  “I can distract you,” Niav replied with a wink handing over a wet plate.

  Anselle rolled her eyes and shook her head, “I set myself up for that just then, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, you did,” Niav grinned and stuck out her tongue.

  Anselle put the plate away, “Seriously though, I’ll be with you the whole time. We don’t even have to go far and the crowd doesn’t have to be that big. If you feel any symptoms we’ll come straight home.”

  Niav turned her sad-puppy face on Anselle trying to get Anselle to change her mind.

  “Aww…..look at that face, so cute,” Anselle pinched Niav’s cheek, “but I’m not falling for it this time. We can pack a lunch and find a place in the park that isn’t hidden behind some bushes. You bring your pad and pencils and I’ll bring my camera.”

  Niav slunk up to her girlfriend seductively, “Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay in today?”

  Anselle kept her face straight, “I’m sure.”

  ***

  Lunch was packed in a matching but larger version of Anselle’s new insulated bag and they were supposedly ready to go by 13:00 but Niav was stalling in every way pos
sible. The first tactic was to take a shower, then she couldn’t get her hair to behave (like she ever could), then she didn’t know what to wear because it was hot but there was a breeze and she didn’t want to get a chill, then she couldn’t find her shoes. By the time Niav was dressed Anselle was ready to throw the woman over her shoulder and carry her outside whether she wanted to go or not.

  Anselle grabbed up the lunch bag, slung it over her left shoulder, her camera went around her neck and Niav’s artist bag went over her right shoulder, “Let’s go,” she called to her girlfriend in the bedroom, “move your sweet arse or I’m gonna kick it all the way to the park.”

  “Ha,” Niav countered coming out into the living room, “like you could catch me.”

  “You’re standing right there and I’m in front of the door. Where do you think you can go where I couldn’t catch you?”

  “Umm….the bathroom?”

  “If you’re done, can we go now?”

  Niav put on her pouty face, “You’re no fun anymore.”

  “You….out….now,” Anselle pointed from her partner to the door.

  Niav realized she’d lost the battle and moped as she picked the blanket up from the back of the sofa and made her way out her door and down the stairs. From where she stood across the street the park didn’t look too crowded though it was a bright, sunny day. Anselle stepped out the front door, took Niav’s hand, gave it a squeeze and led the way into the park. The woman wanted to be in the park but at the same time she didn’t. She shied away from and didn’t make eye contact with anyone they passed by and flinched at any loud noises. She was sure she’d be having an attack if it weren’t for the medication in her system but she tried not to think about it. She focused on the girl holding her hand; she watched Anselle blink and smile, she listened to Anselle breathe and talk, she kept pace with Anselle’s steps and told herself that Anselle wouldn’t let anything happen to her.