The Strawberry Heart

by Finella Vane

  Soon, they were done eating, Anselle got a couple of chocolate croissants for Niav and Gina still hadn’t directly brought up Anselle’s problem. She suggested a walk in the gardens instead of going to the movies. Once they found a relatively quiet area with an unoccupied bench Gina finally had the opportunity to talk, “So,” Gina had time and space to talk but she wasn't exactly sure how to bring it up, “you okay lately?”

  Anselle was more than willing to watch her friend squirm for a few minutes, “Yeah, fine. Thank you. You?”

  Gina rubbed the back of her neck, “Good, yeah. Umm….How’s Niav?”

  “She was fine when I left this morning. She put me through her killer workout routine yesterday. I’m surprised I can move today.”

  “Oh, that’s nice. Tough was it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s nice. You two have to come by the restaurant and see the collages.”

  “Niav showed me the pictures you emailed her. They look great. I can’t wait to see them in person.”

  “Yeah, you should stop by.”

  “We will, maybe next week.”

  “Good. Good.” Gina went back to rubbing her neck.

  Even though Anselle was loving every second of Gina’ discomfort she decided to give her friend a helping hand, “I get the feeling there’s something you want to talk to me about.”

  “Well……I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help you.”

  Anselle teased, “Help me what?”

  “Look, Anselle, I know you’re having a hard time with something and I wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it.”

  “You want to be my therapist?”

  “No, Anselle. I want to be your friend. I want you to know that I’m here for you if you want to talk.”

  “Talk? We’ve been talking all morning,” Anselle could feel the heat rising inside her.

  “We’ve been talking about nothing. I’ve known you for a long time and this…this way you’ve been behaving; it isn’t like you. You’re always so laid back and collected. Nothing ever seems to upset you. I mean if you seriously want to talk about whatever it is that’s been bothering you I will listen.”

  Anselle turned away from Gina, closed her eyes and began her deep breathing exercises. She calmed easily because she had stopped the argument before it began. “Gina, I appreciate your offer but there’s nothing to talk about. I’m just going through some sort of phase. I’m sure I’ll be back to normal soon.”

  Gina was still unsure about this whole conversation and even though she didn’t believe a word of what her friend just said she put on her best fake smile and patted her friend on the back, “I’m sure you will.”

  ***

  Anselle trudged up the stairs to the flats. Trying not to argue with Gina drained her and all she wanted to do was cuddle on the sofa with her partner. Niav’s door was closed so Anselle used her key to let herself in. “Niav,” Anselle called but there was no response. She checked the bathroom and the bedroom but the artist wasn’t home. Anselle entered her own flat but Niav wasn’t in there either. Anselle checked her mobile but there weren’t any texts or missed calls. Anselle tried to call her partner but the call went to voicemail; she sent a text (‘Where r u?’) and as she waited for a response she went back to the other flat to search for a note. There was nothing on the coffee table or kitchen counter; taped to the fridge or the bathroom mirror. She checked her flat for a note but didn’t find one there either. Anselle took her mobile out again and called Gina, “Have you heard from Niav? Do you know where she is?”

  “I haven’t heard from her. She’s not home?” Gina was concerned, she knew it was not like Niav to go wandering off without a word.

  Anselle bit out, “If she were home I wouldn’t be calling you,” and before Gina could say another work Anselle ended the call. She was almost pulling her hair out with worry when she heard those sound of running footsteps on the stairs.

  Niav smiled as she practically ran up the stairs, her new artist’s carry-all bag slung over her shoulder. She wanted to be home to greet Anselle when she got back from the movies and show her the new sketches she did that morning in the park. Niav’s happiness was short-lived when she realized Anselle was already home and standing on the landing glaring at her. “Oh, you’re home early. How was brunch?”

  Anselle’s expression didn’t change when she saw Niav’s smiling face, “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick. You don’t return my call or answer my text. I was about to call the hospital to see if you were there again.”

  “I was at the little park across the street sketching. I found a little space hidden behind some bushes where I could people-watch without them seeing me. I was listening to my iPod. I guess I didn’t hear the phone. I’m sorry.” Niav had been so proud of herself; going out alone for the first time. She thought it would be a happy surprise for Anselle and they could celebrate together.

  “Why didn’t you tell me where you were going?! You could’ve left a note or something! Don’t you think I deserved that much! What were you thinking?! I bet you weren’t thinking about me at all were you! I bet you weren’t thinking at all!” Anselle was yelling in her frustration and fear; hands clenched into fists at her side.

  Niav shrank into herself under Anselle’s barrage, “I wanted to surprise you with what I accomplished today. I thought I’d be home before you and you’d come home and I’d show you the sketches and you’d be happy for me and we could celebrate.” Niav took her sketchpad out of her new bag and held it out to her partner.

  Anselle grabbed the sketchpad and flung it across the hall like a frisbee. “I don’t care about your sketches! I was worried sick about you! Why didn’t you tell me where you were going?!”

  Niav became afraid as she watched her sketchpad hit the far wall and she slowly backed into her flat almost tripping over the book propping open the door. “I wanted to surprise you. I thought you’d be happy for me.”

  Anselle stepped forward into Niav’s personal space, “You went out without me! What if you had an attack?! You were alone! And you were in a place where nobody could see you! You could’ve been lying there for hours and I wouldn’t know where you were or that you needed help. Jesus, Niav, weren’t you thinking at all today?!”

  Even though she was afraid and tears were starting to well up in her eyes Niav decided to try something Elise said so she reached out to touch Anselle on the arm. She kept her voice as controlled and calm as possible, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going. I thought I would be here when you got back. I won’t go out without telling you where I’m going or having somebody with me.” She had to refrain from telling Anselle to calm down like Gina did last week knowing it would only make Anselle more upset.

  Niav could feel the heat radiating from her partner but she went half a step forward anyway and put her other arm round Anselle’s shoulders drawing her into an embrace. Anselle tensed at first when her anger wanted to take over and push the other girl away but she heard Niav sniffle back a sob and she finally realized how she had been behaving. Anselle went limp in her partner’s arms and Niav barely had enough time to get them both to the sofa before the blonde broke down into hysterical sobs.

  The woman didn’t understand Anselle’s muffled, “I left your croissants on the garden bench,” she just kept rubbing her hand over her partner’s back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  The next few days continued much the same way except Anselle had been attempting to control her temper better. She was doing more deep breathing exercises and taking her time to calm down before answering questions that would upset her. Niav had been gently bringing up private sessions with Elise but every time she did Anselle walked away. That was how Anselle had been handling things that bother her with Niav; walking away. If they were in Niav’s she’d go back to her; if they were in her she’d go outside. She knew her partner would give her her space and wouldn’t follow. To Niav it seemed like they’d been s
pending more time apart than together.

  Wednesday evening Niav and Anselle had dinner together at Niav’s before setting off for their appointment with Elise. It was a quiet affair because each girl was caught up in her own thoughts about the upcoming session. Niav wanted to bring up Sunday because she knew that for therapy to work she had to be honest with Elise but she was afraid Anselle wouldn’t like it, get mad and leave. Anselle didn’t really want to talk about anything. She wouldn’t even go but she promised and she always kept her promises (or so she told herself). They took a cab to the office because it was quicker and Anselle thought the faster they got there the faster they could leave. She wasn't looking forward to it but she promised Niav so she went.

  When they walked into the reception area the desk was unoccupied but the session area door was open. Anselle stuck her head through the door but Elise wasn’t in the room. Anselle motioned for Niav to take a seat. Anselle sat next to her, mindful of the observation Elise made last week regarding their physical closeness. She tried to take Niav’s hand but the younger girl flinched a little but after a heartbeat gave her hand to her partner with a smile. Niav had tried to have as much physical contact with her partner as she could but it was hard to do when said partner kept walking away every time she was a little upset.

  Niav gave the hand in her a squeeze, “You know I love you, right?”

  “I know. I love you too,” Anselle squeezed back and raised the brunette’s hand to her lips.

  Elise called the two into the session area to begin. Even though the two were sitting close together on the sofa and holding hands her training and years of experience told her that there was tension between them. Anselle was sitting arrow straight and breathing heavy; looking straight ahead, not making eye contact with her when she said ‘hello’. While Niav was slouched and seemed to barely breathe at all; she bit the nails on her free hand and looked a little startled when she spoke to her.

  She started the session like she normally did, asking Niav how her week had been. She didn’t want to upset Anselle so told her that everything was fine and good.

  “Have you been out on your own yet?”

  “I went out for a little bit on Sunday.”

  The doctor praised and congratulated her on her accomplishment before turning her attention to Anselle to get her opinion, “What did you think about Niav’s step forward, Anselle?”

  Anselle looked at the doctor but answered stiffly, “I’m very proud of her.”

  “Tell me what you did, Niav.”

  “I…um…,” Niav made a few furtive glances at Anselle and took her hand out of her partners, “I went to the little park across the street to sketch.”

  “That’s wonderful. Did you have any symptoms?”

  Niav folded her hands in her lap, “No.”

  “What’s wrong? What you did was a huge step forward. You should be very proud of yourself.” Elise could see Niav crumbling and Anselle becoming tenser, “Anselle, don’t you think Niav should be proud of herself?”

  “Yeah, she should be really proud,” Anselle’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

  “Why did you say it like that? You don’t think she should be proud of herself?”

  “You don’t know the whole story.”

  “Okay, tell me the whole story.”

  Anselle glanced at her cowering partner then returned her attention to the doctor. Anselle counted off Niav’s transgressions on her fingers, “One; she went alone. Two; she didn’t tell me she was going. Three; she hid herself behind some shrubs so people couldn’t see her. Four; she didn’t answer my call or text.” She held four fingers in Niav’s face. “I was worried sick. What if you had an attack and needed help? I didn’t know where you were.”

  Tears rolled down the woman’s face as she pushed away the accusatory fingers, “I said I was sorry. I promised I wouldn’t do it again. I really thought I’d be back before you. How many times do I have to promise that I won’t do it again?”

  Elise made notes while the two women calmed themselves down. Niav tried to control her sobs and fight back tears while Anselle did her deep breathing. When she deemed them significantly calmer she asked, “Which part upset you more Anselle, the part where you didn’t know where she was or the part where she went out without you?”

  “It all upset me.”

  “Are you comfortable with Niav’s going out alone?”

  “Not really,” Anselle frowned.

  “Have you thought about Niav going out to work or to the store alone?”

  “No.”

  “You’re concerned something will happen to her?”

  “Of course.”

  “Would you have her stay home then?”

  “No, I want her to be able to go out.”

  “But not alone?”

  “Yes…uh, no. Do we have to keep talking about me?” Anselle had had enough and if it weren’t for Niav sitting next to her she’d get up and leave.

  “No, we don’t.” The doctor flipped to a clean page in her notebook, “Niav, will you be going out again?”

  Niav frowned, “I don’t think so.”

  “That’s very sad to hear. You’ve come such a long way. Do you want to stop the medication?”

  Niav wiped away a tear, “No. I want to go out.”

  Elise waited to see if either girl would continue on her own. She didn’t have to wait long when Anselle sighed, “I want you to go out, Baby. I just want you to be safe.”

  Niav put a hand on her partner’s thigh, “I know. I promise I won’t go anywhere without telling you first or having you with me. I told you, I’d do anything for you to be happy again.”

  Silence fell and again Elise waited. When Anselle looked up again she had tears in her eyes, “I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting towards you these past few weeks. You don’t deserve it. You’re so good to me.”

  “You’re good to me too. I love you,” Niav caressed the blonde’s thigh.

  Anselle sobbed audibly and turned to bury her head against the woman’s shoulder, “Don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t leave you. We’ll get through this rough patch, you’ll see.”

  “Anselle, do you think when Niav is able to go out on her own she will look for somebody else because of the way you’ve been treating her lately?”

  “When she finds out she will.”

  “When she finds out what?”

  Anselle whispers, “I lost it all.”

  Niav held her partner closer, “You lost something? What did you lose?”

  “Everything.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Most of my money and Gina’ and Lisa’s. It’s gone. I lost it.”

  “What happened?” Elise passed a fresh box of tissues to Niav and she held it out to Anselle.

  Anselle sniffled, took a few tissues and wiped her face, “Me and a couple of other girls in the office invested funds in a new corporation. Everything looked good on paper. They had all the right documents with all the correct signatures. We did background checks and everybody passed. The numbers added up and it looked so good. We went with it. I invested most of our capitol and for weeks the profits were coming in but then one morning it was all gone. No explanation, nobody answered our calls or emails, nothing. They just vanished with our money.”

  Elise pushed her glasses up her nose, “Is there an investigation taking place?”

  “Yes but who knows how long it will take or if they’ll even find these people. They’re long gone with our money. And even if we could track them down and take them to court who knows how much money we’d get back, if any.”

  Niav watched as Anselle seemed to shrink before her eyes with her confession, “Gina and Lisa don’t know yet, do they?”

  “No.”

  “You think Niav will leave you because you lost some money?”

  “Not ‘some’, most of. If I sell everything I own including the rest of my investments I should just be able to pay Gina back. I d
on’t know how I’ll ever be able to pay back Lisa. I’ll have nothing left.”

  Niav pulled Anselle into an embrace, “You have me if you still want me. I’m not going anywhere.” Anselle didn’t return the embrace and Niav looked to Elise helplessly.

  “How do you feel, Anselle, now that you got that off your chest?”

  “Not much better.”

  “But not as angry?”

  Anselle shook her head, “No. I’m just grateful that Niav didn’t give me any of her money or I probably would’ve lost that too.”

  “You can have my money now. I don’t know how much Gina and Lisa and you lost but I will give you everything I have to help you.”

  “I can’t take your money.”

  Niav said firmly, “You’re not taking it. I’m giving it to you. I want you to have it. I don’t need it and you do. If you want to call it a loan then fine but I want you to have it. At least pay back Gina and Lisa or just Lisa after you sell all your stuff, pay back Gina and move in with me.”

  “Move in with you?”

  That surprised even Elise, “Are you sure you’re ready for that step, Niav?”

  Niav didn’t look away from her partner, “We practically live together anyway. We eat together and sleep together and spend most of the rest of our free time together so why not? Or we can move my stuff into yours, whatever you want. The only thing we’ll really lose is the use of a bathroom.”

  Anselle finally smiled, “You’re furniture is more comfortable.”

  It was almost time to end the session and Elise wanted to make sure they were in a good place before she let them go, “Okay. Can we refocus please?”

  “Sorry.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Anselle? How are you feeling now?”

  “A lot better but I’m afraid to tell Gina and I’ll have to face Lisa for the first time after what she did.”

  “How do you think they will react?”

  “Gina will be understanding but relieved I will be able to pay her back. She didn’t lose that much because she withdrew a lot to open her restaurant and most of her profits she turns back into the business. Lisa….Lisa, I don’t know, angry probably.”