Until You Believe Me

by Lindsey Woods

  "No Ma, I am going to start heading home. It's been fun." I give her a small smile and hug her. She hugs me tightly and I fit perfectly into her motherly bear hug. At one point in my adolescent I was convinced I would grow to tower over my 5'8" mother. However that was not to be as my growth spurt took me to 5'4" and not an inch more.

  "Thank you for coming to see your dear old Mom. She misses you and needs to see you are ok for herself sometimes." She gives a little sigh.

  I can tell she is both sad I am leaving but also still thinking about the grocery store. I will not go there with her and I think I have made that clear. There are just some things you don't like to go through with your mom again.

  "Of course Ma. I love you. I'll talk to you soon ok?" My tone is as reassuring as I can make it. I smile but I know it does not reach my eyes.

  "Drive safe Madison, I mean it." The ever-present mom warning.

  "I will, don't worry." I smile and wave over my shoulder as I walk out of my childhood home.

  The ride home is uneventful. I run through the day's events and struggle through a few breaths as my grocery store run in come across my brain. I quickly push it out of my mind, not wanting to go there.

  When I arrive home I quickly change into pajamas, make a quick turkey sandwich and watch a little bit of mindless tv. It's past ten when I glance at the clock and I decide to turn in for the evening.

  ****

  The wine is great. Cold and crisp and clean. It's one of those things that I am not used to. I am no wine expert, I don't even particularly enjoy the taste. For some reason he has been able to pick a kind I like every time.

  "You look phenomenal. Honestly breathtaking." His brown eyes glow in the soft restaurant light.

  I feel a blush take my cheeks, "Really, you're too much, this is too much."

  He takes my hand across the table and smiles brightly.

  Suddenly a weight is on me.

  "That was some good wine sweetheart."

  I shake my head as the words hardly sound like words. They are shaky and slurred.

  I feel ten hands all over. I can barely breathe and try to come up for air.

  "I've wanted to do this all night, since you got into my car in that tight skirt and your hair all done up. God I can't wait to get under those clothes."

  It is the tone that makes me start sweating first. The harder I push the heavier the weight is.

  "Oh you know you want this as much as I do. I've spent the past month taking you out, wining and dining you and every time you look so...delicious. Stop being a tease, this is what you want."

  The weight is all consuming, it's like I am swimming under a pool of breath and hot air.

  I shoot up in bed, covered in a blanket of sweat. My breathing is ragged and I look around 2:37 A.M. My bedside clock reads and I take inventory of my body and surroundings. Just me, in my house, in my own bed.

  I let out a breath as I throw myself back down on my pillow in exasperation.

  Chapter 3

  Monday morning's alarm clock wakes me with a start. I drag myself from under the covers, start the coffee pot and then hop in the shower. Even after nine days the routine is fresh and easy. I easily follow my ordinary morning routine. Days off are overrated I think to myself. Days not bound by a routine and a system can erupt into chaos and that is one thing I cannot stand.

  I leave the house at precisely 7:30. Even though my first class does not begin until 9:00 and I have no scheduled office hours I like to get there early so I can collect my thoughts and be mentally prepared for the lecture.

  As usual my car is one of the first in the faculty parking lot. As I close my door I am immediately distracted by loud and obnoxious and extremely out of place sounds. Looking around I notice a huge steel structure that is about 500 feet from my office building. It already has windows and walls and looks much more like a building than I had anticipated. The roar of a bulldozer is heard in the distance no doubt clearing land for another monstrous structure. I give the building a slight shrug of acceptance and start walking towards the office building.

  My hand reaches the handle and suddenly I feel a stinging pain go through my middle finger into my wrist. I shuffle back, slightly losing my balance. Only falling for a split second before I feel hands steadying my waist.

  "Holy shit, what the hell." I look up bewildered and find myself looking at blackness. A split second passes where I wonder if I have fainted or had a heart attack. I suddenly struggle against the hands to get them off of me.

  "Woah, watch where you're going little lady. I nearly took you out with the door. Are you ok?"

  I don't say anything for a second, trying to get my barrings. The pain in my hand slowly starts to dull as I survey the man in front of me. He is in worn jeans and a gray T-shirt. Both articles of clothing are covered in dust and dirt and who knows what else.

  "I just..the door...jammed my hand...almost fell." Once my mind registers the ridiculous stutter I have developed I snap out of it.

  "I mean, I'm ok...sorry I was just trying to get to my office. Excuse me, sorry." We do the awkward, you go left, I'll go right, but we both go left dance until I feel hands on both of my upper arms. My feet shuffle awkwardly as the man who maimed me moves me to one side.

  "I'm the one who is sorry, please don't apologize. Are you sure you're ok? Do you need some ice?"

  I swallow in a loud, cliched gulp. Towering over me is probably the biggest man I've ever seen. I nearly look completely straight up to make eye contact. I catch slight curls of brownish red hair, light green eyes, a concerned face that looks like it has been tanned perfectly by the sun, followed by the most perfectly filled shirt I've ever seen. I blush as I realize I haven't responded and have clearly been looking him up and down.

  I give myself a slight smack on the forehead. "Yes, I mean I'm fine. I don't need ice. Sorry. Thank you though. I just was just trying to get to my office."

  Bright white teeth nearly blind me. "Yes, you've said as much. However I am not convinced that you are ok. I will repeat the question once more before I take you to seek medical attention. Did I hurt you at all?"

  I feel my cheeks go three different shades of crimson. "I'm sorry, my hand hurts but I'm ok. This is just not part of my normal routine. Just shook me for a minute. I'm really ok though, thank you, I'm sorry, I need to go. I'm sorry." I give a small wave and nearly run into the building.

  I exhale a big breath I hadn't remembered holding in and nearly sprint into my office. I close my door behind me and set down my bags. What the hell was that? When did I turn int a stumbling, bmbling fool? I take inventory of the parts of body that could have been impacted by the collision and notice that my hands is throbbing along with my accelerated heart beat.

  "Shit, that hurts."

  "Oh baby, what do you have going on in here?"

  I roll my eyes as Ben comes sauntering into my office.

  "What the hell did you do?" He drops his bags as well and comes over to examine my left hand which is clutched in my right.

  "I am ok. It just stings. I was reaching to open the door to the building and some construction guy was coming out and banged the door into my hand. It just jammed my finger back, but goodness gracious does it hurt right now. I almost fell, but he caught me." I shook my head to clear out the cobwebs that have seemed to form in the past 10 minutes.

  "You should ice it, it looks like your finger is swelling up a little. He caught you? Like cliche save the damsel from falling caught you?" Ben picks up his bag, seeing as he has now assessed the situation and clearly given me a positive prognosis.

  "The building looks awesome doesn't it? I can't believe they got so far on it." I hear Ben call as he is walking to his own office.

  "Yeah, it's great. In the twenty minutes I've been on campus I have been distracted for half of it. Great start." I roll my eyes even though I know he cannot see me. This minor issue just strengthens my feeling that this whole rebuilding thing is going to greatly harm my chances of a
promotion.

  "You are being ridiculous and you know it. Stop making everything that is out of your control, evil. You never know when something good can come out of different or change. I know how you love change." I heard his smile and saw it as I walked into his office.

  "Change is evil. I can't help that. Its job to is change what is already working well." I sat down with an exasperated sigh.

  "You are a control freak, admit it so we all can move on to step two and get you out of this funk you're in. You probably thought about the groundbreaking during break and fretted about it. You need to loosen up or you're going to walk around life so afraid and spend your time being rattled by an occasional swinging door."

  It did rattle me in a very strange way. I spent every weekday morning, waking up at exactly 6:15. Pressing the on button for the coffee pot before showering. Following the same shower and dress routine. Climbing in my car and driving here and arriving within 5 minutes of the previous day. That was not a part of my routine and the expectation of change already had me rattled.

  "Well thank-you Doc for clearing up my mental health problems. You made me see so clearly now. I'm going to class, I'll see you later."

  Chapter 4

  Class was uneventful. I returned to my office shortly after eleven. The corkboard on my door where students leave messages for me had an envelope pinned to it. I took it down and opened my door to my office and had a seat. I opened the envelope expecting to find a scrawled message from a student who hadn't met a deadline, instead the message was on a construction company letterhead.

  Sorry about this morning. I really do hope you're ok. You seemed kind of spooked. Hope I didn't frighten you. Ice it, it helps!

  Connor

  I smiled at the thought that the construction guy had taken time to track down who I was and to check on me. I put the card on my desk and started to gather my books for my next class.

  "Excuse me ma'am but there was an extremely tall and rugged man who was looking for you." Ben had peeked his head in my office.

  I held up the note, "I see that. When was he here?"

  "You missed him by maybe twenty minutes. He seemed really worried about you." Ben gave me his own faint look of concern.

  I smiled to reassure him. "I'm ok, it shook me up that's all. Remember the control freak routine thing Dr. Freud? It's still hanging on." I held up my hand for him to see.

  Apparently my smile worked as he left my office.

  Grabbing my set of books I marched off to my second class of the day.

  Walking across campus I followed my usual path back to the office building so I could grab some lunch. In the hour and a half I was in class construction had seemingly doubled. There were now three trailers around campus bearing the same logo from the letterhead, Matthews and Sons Construction. Or perhaps I hadn't notice them before. I could hear hammering and other various construction noises from all over different points on campus. Various men with hardhats were walking around or working with tools and wood and metal. It was almost like ants marching. It seemed like chaos but they all seemed to have a purpose and all had a goal in mind.

  I reached the office around one and unpacked my lunch. Picking up my newly purchased novel I started reading while I ate my turkey sandwich and my container of applesauce. Mondays were often slow because Ben had three classes where I only had one. It was nice to sit in silence and read, but I had grown so used to having him around. We had been childhood friends and went to college together and he was the one who set me up with the job here at the University. I was thankful because teaching really was my passion. Even more so English was. I complained, often, to Ben about the undergraduates, but I remember what it was like. Now I didn't party or sleep in class or text, but I remember how you could get caught up in the wrong aspects of college, I had seen Ben do it for a semester. He pulled it together and graduated with honors, but I understood.

  The afternoon passed slowly, I had a couple students drop by to have a little help on their upcoming essay but overall I felt productive. The clock struck four and I decided not to wait around for Ben. He wouldn't take it too seriously. I packed up and headed out.

  As I walked out of the building, I saw a bunch of workers packing up outside one of the trailers. The gesture of the man from this morning had been extremely kind and in the chaos of the construction site I would imagine it time consuming to track down somebody you had no idea about.

  I walked up to one of the men. "Excuse me, I know this is a long shot but you wouldn't happen to know a Connor who is working today, do you?"

  "When doesn't Connor work? It's not nightfall yet so he's probably in the trailer fixing the world's problems right now." The man was nearly opposite of the one I had literally run into this morning. Short, chubby and an almost booming voice.

  I took his explanation to mean that Connor was inside and that it was ok for me to peek in to say thanks.

  I walked up the rickety wooden steps to the door of the trailer. As I put my hand out to grab onto the knob I heard a voice from inside the trailer.

  "No, I understand...Whatever you need to do...Just do whatever you and Dr. Warren thinks is best...Don't worry about the cost...Please just what is best...Thanks..Bye Sarah."

  When I didn't hear anymore talking I quietly knocked on the door.

  "Come in."

  I opened the door and slowly walked in. The man's head was down, in his hands looking at a piece of paper on the desk. Even at that angle I could tell it was the man from this morning. It wasn't until a few seconds of silence had passed that he looked up. His expression changed and he jumped from his seat looking slightly nervous.

  "Dammit, that fucking hurts." The loud noise followed by his loud voice made me jump.

  "Sorry. Dammit I just hit my knee on the desk. Shit. Sorry. I mean sorry about all the cursing."

  I smiled a little and waved. "I didn't mean to cause a fuss I just wanted to thank you. I got your note. I hate that you tracked me down after I was an idiot this morning. I'm ok, really. Still attached." I raised my hand as I had for Ben and smiled.

  "It was easy considering you said several times that was your office. It was just a matter of trial and error." This time he smiled still rubbing his knee. I couldn't believe how bright his smile was and how it put me sightly at ease.

  "Karma I guess." He said motioning with his head down to his knee.

  "Oh. I'm sorry, really. I just wanted to thank you. I asked some guy outside if he knew you assuming he didn't. I mean you all are in the same basic uniform. So I'm pleased to be able to say thanks in person."

  He smiled and was opening his mouth to say something else when his phone rang. "Excuse me, just a minute, don't move."

  "Matthews...yep...by Thursday at least...send Caroline the invoice...Thanks...bye." He ended the call and smiled back in m direction. "Sorry...again."

  "Are you Matthews, like it's your name tattooed on all these trailers around campus?"

  His smile was sheepish and I noticed a slight hint of red had appeared on his cheeks. "Uh, yeah. Well I guess I'm technically an 'and sons' but that's me."

  "No wonder the guy said you usually work until nightfall. This is quite a gig. A whole university to renovate."

  He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. Anxious, almost nervous. "It's a pretty big project. We have a lot of guys on it. About half our workforce actually."

  I felt my eyes nearly bug out. "Half? There's got to be close to 75 guys here."

  "67 to be exact. We have other jobs that we are finishing up before all my guys are here. The university is pushing us to work on through the summer double time and be done with about a third of the renovations."