Dancing Hours

by Jennifer Browning

  When the nurse indicated we could go in to see her, Nan was wearing a beautiful red dress I’d never seen before. Her skin seemed almost transparent next to it. She smiled, although it took considerable effort, and waved us into the room. The furniture had been rearranged to make room for a medical bed which must have been the nurse’s doing because Nan would ordinarily have none of it.

  Nan cleared her throat again and attempted to talk, but needed a sip of water before she could. With great effort, she said “Andy, sweet pea, I need to talk to your mother for a spell in private. Would you go get David Bastion and ask him to clean out my gutters one last time?” I didn’t understand why she wanted to send me away, but I wasn’t going to deny my grandmother clean gutters on her death bed.

  I walked home and got my Jeep. Dad had kept it in working order for me and I realized I should take it back to school with me when I went back… if I went back. I began driving to Mrs. Merchant’s house, but then realized that David had been talking about getting his own apartment. I didn’t know where he lived. I went to Mrs. Merchant’s anyway to see if he was there. An unfamiliar girl answered the door. “Hi!” she said cheerily.

  “Hi.” I took a deep breath and wondered if I looked like I had been crying. “I’m looking for David. Do you have any idea where I could find him?”

  The girl cocked her head to the side and sort of inspected me. Her smile came back “You must be Andy.”

  I nodded, too exhausted to be pleasant.

  “I’m Holly, Jessica’s mom.”

  “Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” I tried to smile, but it felt all wrong.

  “Well, I doubt that right now. I’m really sorry to hear about your grandmother. Is she back from the hospital?”

  I nodded again “She’s home now, but she’s not doing so well. She’s…” I choked up “She’s not got very much longer.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear it.” Holly looked empathetic. I felt bad to be crying in front of her. No one ever knows what to do with strangers who cry. At least she didn’t offer me water. She offered me tea and a seat in the kitchen.

  “I came over to see if David would mind cleaning out her gutters, but I’m sure my dad could do it.”

  “No, no, I’m sure he’d love to. I can call him right now if you want. He’s working.” A little tickle of jealousy struck me as she spoke of David like she knew him so well. How long had she been staying here? Had she realized that he was the better brother? It would be so convenient for them both if they fell in love and then he could adopt Jessica and be her father forever. My mind was spinning with the possibilities.

  “No, that’s okay. When you see him, would you just tell him I stopped by?”

  “Of course I will. I’m so sorry, Andy. I wish we could have met under better circumstances. I’ve heard so much about you since I’ve been here.”

  “All good, I hope.”

  “Nothing but good.” She agreed. “Jessica’s taking a nap, but I think she’d really like to see you if you find a chance to come by and say hello.” I realized that she was there, alone, watching Jessica. There was no one watching Holly to be sure she didn’t run off with her daughter. Could they trust her that much? I couldn’t even think about what was going on here. I needed to get back to Nan’s house.

  My mother was happy to see me. She hugged me hard. They were going to give Nan something to help her sleep through the night, but she had insisted on talking to me first. I went into her room and sat in the chair by the bed. She had her eyes closed, but she wasn’t sleeping. I held her thin hand and told her I was there.

  She spoke very slowly and with effort. “I always wanted to take you to Paris, sweet pea. I guess I never got around to it. But you need to go see the Eiffel Tower. Go see the world. It’s waiting for you.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me Nan?”

  “What was there to tell? I’m dying. Everybody’s dying. I could have been hit by a car before now and then what? I lived a good life, a full life. I loved your grandfather with all my heart. Your mom was the best thing I ever did and you are the best thing she ever did. But now it’s about time for me to go. I’m ready.”

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  “I know you don’t, but I need to. I don’t want you to blame yourself. You could not have seen this. You couldn’t have stopped this. When your grandpa died, your mom decided to move back here. She gave up on some of her dreams because she felt guilty. I don’t want you to feel guilty. Some day you might find your way back, but it should be after you’ve gone and done it all. And you’ll be able to…” she drifted away mentally for a few moments.

  “Nan?”

  “Listen to me child. Be reckless. Love hard and damn the consequences. This is the only life you’re going to get. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes.”

  She took several shallow breaths, looking like she couldn’t get enough air in and then settled down. My heart ached to help her somehow, but I knew I couldn’t. She looked up when she heard a scraping sound outside and smiled placidly. The nurse intruded when Nan drifted off again. “I think it’s time for her to get some rest.”

  I sobbed and left the room looking back and not knowing whether I would ever get to talk to Nan again. My mother was in the kitchen, putting away all of the food. I could barely look her in the eye. The grief between us was too much. She told me I had a visitor outside.

  I walked out to see David atop a ladder cleaning out the gutters. When he saw me he jumped down from a dangerous height taking off his gloves, took four large steps closing the distance between us and enveloped me in his arms. “Hi.” He said after several minutes of me sobbing into his chest. He stroked my hair and rested his cheek on the top of my head. “Hi.” I laughed through the tears at the ridiculousness of the greeting under the circumstances. I pulled back from him a little to see his face.

  “How is she?” he asked.

  “She’s dying.”

  “How long?”

  “Not long now.”

  He sighed deeply and pulled me back into him. “Is she sleeping now?”

  “Mmm hmm” I nodded

  “Have you been home yet?”

  I shook my head. My suitcase was still in the back of my father’s car. I realized that I had been awake for most of the roughly 30 hours since I first got the call telling me to come home. I’d maxed out my credit card to get the first flight back that I could, but it had a long layover and then the long drive to the hospital.

  We went inside and David spoke to my parents like they were old friends. It was a rather surreal experience. He offered to take me home to get some sleep and told them to call him if I needed to come back. “Oh, that’s a great idea.” My mother agreed “Andy, you must be exhausted. Let David take you home; we’re going to stay here tonight and you can come back in the morning”

  “But what about Nan?” I protested. “What if she needs something tonight?”

  “The nurse can handle it or we can. If she wakes up and she wants to talk to you, we’ll call David.”

  I looked up at David. He had never seemed so tall and everyone else was just taking command. I felt too tired to resist. We put the bag in my Jeep and drove the short distance to my house. He carried the bag inside and suggested I take a shower while he made some tea. The whole thing felt surreal. He opened the cabinet where the mugs are kept without even looking around for it and then, inside the cabinet, I saw several small plastic kid’s cups that had not been mine growing up. He and Jessica had spent enough time here for it to be a home for them. I had been gone a long time.

  I went to my room and was pleased to find that it mostly looked the way I had left it. A treadmill was installed next to my bed. That was surely my dad’s idea. It was covered in laundry that needed to be ironed. I showered in the bathroom and then changed into my pajamas and wandered back out to the kitchen.

  “Very cute.” David observed looking at my outfit.

  I tried to smile and he politely pretended
not to notice that I couldn’t. He handed me a cup of chamomile tea, which I drank in silence at the kitchen table. I was too sad to try to make conversation and David didn’t force it. He sat silently with me. When my tea was finished, he suggested I should go to bed. “I don’t think I can sleep.” I responded.

  “Then sit with me.” He countered, taking me by the hand and leading me over to the couch. He sat on the middle cushion and I curled up into him. The television was on, but the sound was muted. I watched as the people on the news with their perfectly sprayed hair and perfectly applied makeup informed us about all that was going on in the world. I closed my eyes for just a moment. I was so tired that it barely registered that David was carrying me to my bed. He laid me down, but when he tried to pull away, I held his arm. He lay down next to me and I drifted off to sleep again listening to the rhythm of his breathing.

  In the morning, I woke to the smell of coffee and sat bolt upright in the bed as I realized I had slept all night. I threw the covers off of me and ran out to the kitchen. With wild eyes that had not yet shaken off the sleep I said “We have to go over to Nan’s!” David looked at me amused.

  “I just called your mom. Nessa is fine. She’s still sleeping.”

  “Well, we have to get over there.”

  He handed me a mug of coffee. “Maybe you want to put some clothes on first?”

  I looked down at my pajamas as if they were aliens attached to my body and then back up at David. “Good idea.”

  By the time we got to Nan’s house, she had woken and drifted off again. Mom said she hadn’t spoken and refused to eat anything. She drank a few sips of water, but choked most of it back up. We spoke in hushed tones as though loud voices might call death to the house sooner.

  David left us to go to work and promised to return after Jessica was in bed. My mother hugged him hard as he left and I wondered just how much time he’d been spending with my family. The hospice nurse this morning was a pleasant woman with a respectful demeanor. You would think it was her own family in that bed. She basically made us feel like there were no bad feelings about the whole thing. Being with Nan, sharing our love for her, that was enough.

  I felt terribly sad that we had such a small family. Instead of overflowing rooms of kids and grandkids and cousins, it was just me and my parents. Nan deserved better. Or so I thought until a light knock on the door. The first knock was Nan’s dance class from the senior center. The ladies had all gotten together and made a quilt to keep her warm. They shuffled into the house, several of them much older than my grandmother, and shared some stories. They visited with her for a few minutes. It was hard to tell if she knew they were there. She seemed dazed, gone. They made us swear to call if we needed anything and every single one left their phone number with my mother as if we didn’t already know where to find them. I said goodbye to each lady with hugs and pats and kisses on the cheek. I’d known them all for as long as I could remember.

  The next visit was from the husband and wife who owned the coffee shop, followed by some ladies from church and so many people from town. The house was busy all day, but they were all very careful not to stay too long. My local friends texted me, I suppose seeing my Nan like that was a little too heavy for them. I didn’t blame them. She was my grandmother and I didn’t want to watch her die.

  By the evening, she had stopped drinking water. The nurse said that usually people didn’t last too long after that. She was right. Nan took a small last breath and her light went out before dark that night. She never was one to dilly dally. I suppose she knew she’d said her goodbyes.

  I spent so much time crying that day. I cried almost from the moment I walked in the door in short jags. When Nan passed, my mother – who had been brave and stoic up until then – collapsed into my father and bawled for hours. It scared me. I had never seen her cry like that and I couldn’t do anything to comfort her.

  My father was a rock and he made all of the arrangements for the memorial service so that my mother wouldn’t have to. I got a call from my school guidance counselor the morning of the memorial. She told me that my absences were adding up quickly and I might not be able to take exams if I didn’t return soon. So much for sympathy.

  The service was lovely. The church was filled with people – mourners. The reverend, who had known Nan for years as a volunteer talked about the “unstoppable Nessa.” When she found something she cared deeply about, she fought for it until she got her way. Most of the town was there; I think everything was shut down for the service. Our mayor came to visit, people of other faiths came to pay their last respects. “Mourning” didn’t seem like a big enough word for what I felt, but as I sat there doing it I thought about how well loved my Nan was. She had built a long and beautiful life here, the very thing I was rejecting to go see the world. Except I hadn’t done that yet. I had gone to see one other city, but not the world.

  After the service, we had people over to our house. I think every woman in town baked something for us. We didn’t have enough counter or freezer space and for some reason that made me cry. David came to the memorial and Holly brought Jessica over to the house afterward. She had gotten so big. Had I really been gone that long? She was a real little person and her questions were a lot more complicated than just “Why?” now. She was using the computer and had email.

  My mother went to bed early and I talked to my father for a long time that night. He always seemed to know what to say and that night was no different. He put my life in perspective and pointed out that Nan wanted me to have and follow my own dreams, not to do what she might want for me blindly. He threw in a side note that he didn’t know why Nan thought David was so special, anyway and I figured there might be some overprotective dad-ness in the remark.

  I called my guidance counselor the next morning and we worked out some plans to get me back on track. By the end of the call, I was excited, but I knew I needed a few more days to clear my head. A few days turned into a few weeks. It was easy to be home. My room looked the same. Kate came over when she could. We laughed about all the times Nan caught us pretending to be princesses and volunteered to be the evil witch or the prince. My parents never asked when I was going back. I even worked a few shifts at the Under Ground. It was busy there and left me little time to think. I was comfortable, except for the part where I avoided David. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what we were and I was so busy reminiscing with everyone that I didn’t want to figure it out.

  He seemed to understand and for a while after the service I didn’t see him – at least not intentionally. I saw him and Holly having a pretty intense conversation at Mama Gianna’s over a plate of pasta one night. Mama Gianna knew us well. We ate there at least once a week. That night I was picking up takeout. Standing at the register waiting for my food, I scanned the restaurant and saw several familiar faces. In the corner were David and Holly, so engrossed in their conversation they didn’t see me although I was just far enough away not to be able to make out what they were saying. Their body language was impossible to read. I wanted to go over there. I wanted to touch him, hug him, something. Instead, I paid and left.

  I didn’t sleep much that night and I barely touched my dinner. In the middle of the night, when it’s dark and you should be sleeping, things sort of take on a life of their own. I realized I’d been having an ongoing memorial for Nan by talking about her every day. I had to keep living. The expression “Nan would want that” floated though my thoughts, but I had to admit that I wanted it – that I needed it. I fell asleep just before dawn and woke up feeling better. I did think of Nan first thing, but it didn’t make me as sad as the day before. Mom was gone, but Dad was there. What little cooking was done at our house was his doing and he had some attempt at French toast going. I walked quietly into the doorway of the kitchen and watched him. When he noticed me he laughed at himself and the mess he had made.

  “That’s okay, Dad. I don’t like French toast much anyway, so it won’t make a difference.
Where’s mom?”

  “She had to go see a lawyer about your Nan’s will. I guess there are some formalities that need to be taken care of.”

  I pondered that thought, surprised that Nan had thought far enough ahead to have a will. Living in the moment was her thing.

  I decided to take the Jeep back to college instead of flying. I needed a car in L.A. anyway, bumming rides was getting pretty old. My parents protested that it wasn’t safe for a girl to drive across the country alone. My dad offered to drive behind me if I didn’t want anyone in the car with me, but I refused. This was something I wanted to do for myself.

  Before I left, I met David for lunch at the mall. For some reason he didn’t want to eat at the food court, so we went to a restaurant across the street. He didn’t really have much to say about me driving by myself. In fact, he was pretty quiet that whole lunch so I tried to lighten the mood. “You know you’re going to miss me.” I joked.