Northern Spirit

by Lindsey J Carden

  Kathy knew her youngest daughter Sarah was, for a child, quite thick-skinned. She appeared to cope better than Tom. She was only seven years old, was a slightly built girl and much like her mother, had golden blonde hair, and despite tragedy in her family had remained a happy girl, perhaps too young to realise the enormity of their problems. She had witnessed the anger of her father but had rarely been the brunt of it.

  George Keldas had idolised Sarah. She was his little angel. He would cuddle her and protect her, always siding with her if there was an argument between the two younger children, even if she was teasing David and being a nuisance she was never to be in the wrong. George would buy her gifts and purposely leave the boys with nothing. It was only she and her elder sister Linzi who ever received any sort of love from George Keldas. Yes, for Sarah life had been wonderful, but Kathy now feared her world would change as she grew to miss her doting father.

  For Tom, she feared differently. She didn’t think he missed George at all.

  Tom was much like David in that he was sensitive, although more talkative than David ever was. He too had the fair hair of his mother but he was a well-built boy, reared since birth from the breast to the milk of the land. He was a healthy and fine boy and he had his father’s handsome face, and Kathy could see as his young personality began to develop, he would become a tall and attractive young man. But Tom was also perceptive. One evening, when he’d come home from school he’d asked: ‘Mum, what does the word adultery mean?’ Kathy shrugged it off and said, ‘Why?’

  ‘Oh, just that the kids at school were on about it. And I’ve heard Dad say it. It’s a bad word isn’t it?’ Kathy knew what he was referring to. She’d had a row with George in front of the children and in a drunken rage he’d accused her of adultery, again. David had tried to defend her but George started on him. ‘What do you know about life, Davey? You don’t know what it means to love a woman. Just because you’ve been to college and got your head full of nonsense, you think you know it all, besides, keep your nose out of my business lad.’ The anger was clear in David’s eyes, and Kathy suspected if George hadn’t have looked so ill, David may have retaliated.

  George’s cutting words had sliced through her. And although him being drunk at the time gave some excuse, it was the things that he said when he was sober that hurt her more.

  *

  Kathy walked boldly through the village thinking all eyes were upon her where, in fact, most didn’t even know her and, of those who did, they only had respect for her. She was desperate to keep a sense of dignity and preserve the family name. They had to remain in Keld Head. There was no running away.

  ‘Come in Mrs Keldas.’ The head teacher gestured for Kathy to sit down. ‘I didn’t expect to see you here so soon.’

  But Kathy remained standing as she nervously interrupted her: ‘We must get back to normal as soon as possible, Mrs Hargreaves. I don’t want my children to be affected any more than they need to be over our situation.’

  Dorothy Hargreaves was temporarily stunned by the younger woman’s courage and insisted that she sat down and, this time, Kathy complied.

  ‘I want to talk to you about my children’s future. You see I don’t want them to be treated any differently.’ Kathy sat proud and upright in the chair, but she was shivering with nerves. ‘I want you to treat them just the same as you did before. David and I intend to carry on and run the farm together. We won’t be leaving Keld Head. I know there have been rumours.’

  ‘I haven’t heard that you were thinking of leaving.’

  ‘No, but maybe you’ve heard other things. And I just wanted you to stop any gossip that may be going around the school about my family.’

  The head teacher’s heart was changed from sympathy to defence, as she felt her integrity and the good name of her school challenged.

  Kathy continued with her objections, before Mrs Hargreaves could again defend herself. ‘Of course you must realise … I’m not in a position to stop gossip that may infiltrate this school from the village, painful though it may be. But I will have a quiet word with my teachers and the other members of staff about your children. And we’ll do our best to see they get all the help they need.’

  Kathy was humbled by the older woman’s common sense and thanked her. Her voice then softened. ‘I come from a respectable and hard-working background. My husband’s family has farmed in this area for generations, and it’s sickening to think how disloyal some of my neighbours are.’ Kathy was trying hard not to feel aggrieved again. ‘Oh, yes, the village folk are nice enough to my face, but I know they’re talking behind my back. And true, George did cause some serious problems for us, but that won’t stop us from being a normal, happy family.’

  Dorothy Hargreaves raised her eyebrows; she took off her glasses and threw them on her desk. In her mind she was thinking that it was Kathy Keldas that was making all the fuss about her situation and not the village folk, or her members of staff; they only pitied her.

  She thought it peculiar that when people in desperation attempt to cover over some wrong, they actually bring it more to the foreground, and this was exactly what Kathy had done. This was a well-respected young woman. Yes, she had suffered for years, and now it appeared that her problems would subside, she wished that Kathy would just let things be.

  Then Kathy noticed the older woman peer across and look at her pullover. She glanced down and saw a small coffee stain on the cream coloured fabric. Her face flushed; she should have taken more care. What would this woman think? Then a deeper thought crept inside her, like the headmistress had noticed a stain on her soul. Like she’d seen one sin lead into another: lies, deception, and violence, as interwoven threads in a coarse fabric. Yes, she was reaping what she’d sowed, as this woman probed further and deeper into her heart. Kathy felt she must have seen all her sins, and a great shame fell over her, like her secrets, (because she had several), had been exposed.

  Kathy waited for her to say something and outwardly condemn her, but the teacher didn’t need to because, by the expression on Kathy’s face, she’d condemned herself.

  2

  WITH SILVER

  ‘What made him do it then, Davey?’ the postman said as he leant out of the window of his red van.

  David narrowed is eyes as he looked at the man and wanted to swear, but before he could, both men turned their heads to the sound of some laughter coming from the farmhouse.

  ‘It’s okay to go in for morning coffee, then, is it?’

  ‘Looks like it.’ David’s voice was raw.

  ‘You’ll miss him, son.’

  ‘Yeh. … Like a hole in the head!’

  And David jumped on the tractor and drove slowly through the paddock. He could just see across to the garden, his shirts and the children’s clothes pegged on the washing line and blowing in the breeze. It was as if nothing had ever happened. He wondered how his mother could carry on like this when he still felt confused. He wanted to talk to her but she seemed to be distant and unconcerned. David felt she was trying to minimise things and make things appear normal, when he knew they weren’t. Maybe she was ill herself or in some kind of shock. He was certain she and his father were never completely happy together, so how could he expect her to miss him now? Did she miss him at all? Perhaps that was the problem. Was she behaving like some kind of “merry widow” or a divorced woman, liberated from years of an unhappy relationship? Yet David was certain his father did love his mother and it was only those crazy ideas in his head that made him unreasonable and jealous, that the accusations his father made were born out of desperation, to rationalise the cold feelings Kathy had towards him, and blaming everyone other than himself for the breakdown of their marriage. David hadn’t just thought of this, he was too lazy in mind to have deduced this for himself. They were ideas of his sister and friends that had been collected over several years of trying to explain the unhappy situation at Keld Head. And despite her age, David knew his mother was still a beautiful woman and his father s
hould have been as proud of her as he was. And no matter what his father said, David was certain she was completely loyal to them all.

  He’d also noticed the same beauty developing in his sister, Linzi, as she turned eighteen. But Linzi, like David, had the dark hair and tanned skin of their father.

  David found himself comparing his own features as he stared into the rearview mirror of the tractor cab, yet could see no beauty in himself. He’d heard people say how much he was like his father, but his mother always objected and David guessed she knew how much this upset him. She would defend him and say he was milder and that there was no similarity at all. Others thought David probably wasn’t as handsome as his father.

  As he sat and stared, looking at the colour of his eyes and the shape of his mouth and every curve of a premature wrinkle, he became mesmerized at his own reflection. He felt his heartbeat quicken and a flush of blood ran to his head. Wanting to avoid the sensation, he roused himself and forcefully pushed the mirror to one side.

  Then droplets of rain fell heavily and suddenly on the windscreen and cocooned him in a bubble-like prison. It had been a wet autumn and the rain had hardly stopped since September. The rivers were swollen and the ghyll was flooded, constantly spluttering water, mud and gravel onto the farm track. David pushed the tractor clumsily into gear and drove back towards Keld Head, with the wheels splashing water from the puddles across the yard. His mood had taken control of him, and much like his father, David wanted to run away, but he didn’t know where to, or who from. It would be foolish to walk the fells today as the rain would persist and get the better of him. Yet he had an overwhelming urge to leave, as he had become afraid of his own image, and David thought he would never look in a mirror again. And as much as he’d despised his father’s actions, his feelings where vindicating the thoughts he had, that he was becoming much like him.

  He parked untidily in the gate way, jumped down from the tractor cab and was about to put on his waterproof jacket, when he noticed one of the dairy cows standing alone in the corner of the fold yard, swishing her tail from side to side, fidgeting, paddling her feet and in some discomfort.

  He crept in beside her and rubbed his hand gently down her spine, and easing himself behind her, saw what he suspected. A long stream of pink slime, was falling from her rear-end and staining the animals black and white coat. The cow was about to give birth.

  ‘It’s okay, Silver.’ David spoke softly and, recognizing his calm voice, Silver turned to him and nuzzled his jacket.

  David had worried about this animal for months, as they’d struggled to get her in calf, and no calf meant no milk. He’d argued with his father to be patient and give her one last chance; George had said she should be sold for slaughter. But David’s patience was about to bear fruit and Silver was going to give the results. And as he gently rubbed her thick coat, David recalled what his late Uncle Fred always said: “kindness - kindness – kindness.” And the memory of him and his compassion softened David’s mood and, through his own kindness and persistence, Silver was about to repay him and save him from a reckless action, providing him with a thread of hope.

  He separated her from the other cattle and put her into a loosebox, then scattered around some fresh straw bedding, gave her a wad of hay and a bucket of clean, cold water. He looked at the animal and smiled for a few moments as he leant back on the wall. Sighing, he rubbed the skin taut on his face with his hands, as he knew she had prevented him from running and the danger had passed.

  As the day drew on Silver continued in labour, but couldn’t produce a result. David checked her as often as he could and tried to give her the privacy she deserved, hoping he wouldn’t have to send for the vet. And today he found it difficult to decide whether he was being overly cautious or careless in his choice. It wasn’t the first time he had to make this decision, as his father would often disappear at inappropriate times and then return, only to accuse him of interfering.

  So David decided to give Silver a deadline: If she hadn’t calved by teatime he would have to call the vet. But teatime came and went and there was still no calf.

  When Tom came home from school he helped with the watch, constantly wandering from the loosebox to the dairy to tell David of any progress. But Silver was beginning to look tired. And David could see as she lay on the dry straw bed, that one of the calf’s front legs was the only visible sign of birth. He took a bucket of warm soapy water, lathered his hands and arms and started to examine her. He could feel inside the cow’s warm body, the neck and head of the calf. But the calf’s other front leg was, unusually, bent backwards and David hadn’t the confidence to rectify the matter himself. If his father was here, he knew he could have easily solved the problem, but there was no more he could do, and to save Silver anymore discomfort, reluctantly, went to call the vet. He couldn’t risk losing either of them.

  *

  When the vet’s Mercedes pulled into the yard, David was waiting in the kitchen and he felt uneasy. He should have been pleased that Barry Fitzgerald had come quickly, but David was unsure of how to greet him, because he was sickened and ashamed of some of the things his father had done, and he hadn’t spoken to Barry Fitzgerald since. David had also ignored Barry at the funeral as he’d done the rest of the mourners.

  David had once read in the paper about a young man whose father had killed two children, and how the fear of turning out the same, had haunted him; David had felt pity for the young man and thought he too was branded for life and tattooed with an unrepeatable word; a description of his father that people had struggled to say, because they couldn’t think of a word evil enough, as no word yet existed.

  But David should have trusted Barry Fitzgerald. He was a warm, kind man and well respected and, at the age of forty-nine had matured into a competent vet. He was also a local man, born from a long line of men in the medical profession. His father was a doctor, but Barry preferred to look after sick animals and lead an outdoor life. He was one of the few men that George Keldas had tolerated, and David guessed Barry would be as concerned with his family’s welfare today, as much as the cattle.

  David could discern through the lamplight Barry’s dark and greying head; his familiar face radiated feeling and his eyebrows frowned against the sharpness of the electric light in the yard. As David watched from his vantage point at the kitchen window he felt reluctant to move. If not for the sake of Silver, he would have made some excuse and sent his mother.

  The passenger door opened on the estate car and David saw a young woman clamber out. He was now even more reluctant to leave and hesitated. He continued to watch them unpack the car and dress in some green overalls, when Tom came from the loosebox to meet them. David knew he was being irrational in allowing the moods of his father to enter into him again, and could no longer resist. Inwardly moaning, he pulled on his boots and left the house.

  Barry Fitzgerald came forward to meet him and shook his hand and, in a sympathetic gesture, warmly pressed his other hand on top of David’s.

  Feeling reassured by this kindness David found the confidence to turn to the girl, but Barry spoke up first. ‘Davey, this is Hannah Robson. She’s from County Durham.’ Barry put his arm across David’s shoulder. ‘She’s training with us for six months; I hope you didn’t mind me bringing her?’

  David was stunned as he looked into the eyes of the young woman, and was instantly attracted to her and couldn’t speak.

  She held out her hand to his but driven by a desire to keep his promise, David ignored her gesture and pulled his hand back. He muttered a brief “hello” and headed for the loosebox. As he walked away, he knew he’d been bad mannered and justified his actions by wondering what possible use she could be. He thought she was far too small to be a vet; boyish in appearance, yet she had striking brown eyes and short strands of auburn hair that curled around the nape of her neck. David’s actions wouldn’t have hurt him so much if Hannah weren’t so beautiful.

  They followed David to the loosebox and B
arry saw straight away what the problem was. Silver was standing in a corner grunting and pushing; she was becoming drowsy and swaying from side to side. The black nose and one hoof of the calf were protruding from the cow’s rear end.

  ‘Should have called me sooner, Davey. Looks like we’ve got a leg back. It’ll take a bit of manoeuvring to get this one out.’

  David held his head low, disappointed and embarrassed with his judgment, which did nothing to change the mood he was sinking deeper into. He was pleased when Barry sent Hannah back to the car for some ropes.

  As Barry started to examine the cow, David struggled to hold on to her halter and she fell crashing to the floor and started to thrash about.

  Barry then lay on the floor and pushed his arm deep inside the cow’s body and tried to untangle the legs of the calf, but had to fight with the forces of nature; the more he pushed the calf back to reach the other leg, the more Silver tried to push the calf out. ‘Dang it, Hannah. Where are you? Come on, hurry up. Where’s the rope?’

  As Hannah rushed back, her face and neck were flushed with embarrassment and, with trembling hands she tried to tie one of the soft calving ropes to the calf’s leg.

  David felt sympathy towards the girl and was sorry his mistake had caused her to be reproved. He bent low and reached out with his hand to help, but Barry shouted, ‘Watch what you’re doing, Davey. Keep hold of the cow’s head!’

  Barry grimaced and writhed on the floor, his whole arm now lost inside the cow’s body. ‘Ahhh … gotcha!’ and he gently eased out the calf’s other leg and snatched the other rope from Hannah and tied it to the calf. ‘Right … come on, Hannah, you can pull.’ But with one big push from Silver, the calf easily slipped out with a flood of mucus and water.

  Silver immediately staggered to her feet and swung around to wash her newborn calf, nudging it with soft grunting noises, as the calf thrust its head about looking for the teat of its mother.