Heavy Hearts

by Kaemke, Kylie

  “But… you just told me you were in love with me. I don’t understand where this is coming from.” I pushed for more of an explanation.

  “I know, but if my feelings for you are going to make me lose you two months ahead of schedule then I just want to make it clear that I knew what this was going to be right from the start.” I heard the strain in his voice, but he seemed sincere.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, still unsure if he knew what he was getting himself into. “Because I have made up my mind, and I’m leaving at the end of the summer no matter what.” I tried to maintain a brave face even though on the inside I was bursting with tears. But I knew that I couldn’t give up my entire future on the chance that a year from that moment we would still feel the way we felt that day. Love fades, and I had to learn that the hard way.

  “I am quite positive. I can’t keep you from your dreams, and I wouldn’t expect you to keep me from mine.” He assured me.

  “So, we’re in agreement then? Just a summer of fun… no love?” I reiterated.

  He held his hand out looking for a handshake. I placed mine in his and firmly shook on it. “You got it.” He stated with a wink. That glorious wink, and all over again I wanted to ravage him… but I remembered my little incapacitation and I stopped myself; settling by planting only a sweet peck on his cheek.

  Chapter 10

  After spending three days cooped up in the hotel room willing my body to stop torturing me I was finally ready to see Simon again. After I left his apartment that day we made our little agreement, I didn’t totally ignore him, I just hadn’t seen him. We talked on the phone for hours and hours each day and night.

  He’d call me when he got home from his run, painting a sweaty picture in my mind as he panted. I’d call him during a lavish bubble bath when he would whisper dirty things into the phone and make me blush wildly. He’d call me while watching the newest Sci-Fi flick he bought, describing everything to me in such detail because he had already seen the film in the theater upwards of ten times. It was lovely. Definitely the closest I’d ever felt to someone that I wasn’t technically with. There was something extremely intimate about our phone calls and I loved it. However, I was ready to see him in the flesh again.

  “What time are you picking me up?” I asked on our very last phone call before I would get to plant my lips on his and take all that I had missed in.

  “I don’t know. Come open your door and maybe I’ll have an answer.” Subtlety wasn’t his strong suit.

  “Simon! Why are you here already? I’m not even dressed.” I scolded him as I happily walked to the door.

  “Well then. You’re exactly how I want you.”

  I opened the door and hung up the phone. Standing in the doorway he looked utterly delectable while I stood before him with my knotted hair and disheveled pj’s. It didn’t stop his wide eyed grin as he looked me up and down before dropping his phone into his jean pocket and scooped me up in a forceful hug that lifted my feet right off the ground.

  “SIMON!” I squeaked in delight,

  “I missed you girl! Are your mates home?” He didn’t waste any time.

  “No, they’re out. I told them to go ahead without me since I knew I wanted to spend the day with you today.”

  “Awww. Well aren’t you just a doll.” He kissed me before swinging my legs up to hold me in a cradled position. I squealed again.

  “Simon really. I’m all gross I haven’t showered or anything yet. I didn’t want to be all grimy when you got here.”

  “No worries. I came over early because I wanted to witness one of these baths you seem to love so much.” His eyebrows danced wildly up and down.

  “Oh do you? And who says I’m in the mood for a bath?” I retorted. (Although a bath always sounded lovely) Night baths are delightful, but there was something special about morning baths that I just couldn’t describe.

  “I do.” He proclaimed and made his way into the bathroom. Letting me down gently on the marble floor he beckoned for me to disrobe as he started the water in the claw foot tub.

  “Now, which of these lovely bubbles would you like this morning?” He asked as his eyeballs scanned my shelf of the various bath foam scents.

  “Let’s go citrus. It’ll wake me up!” I reached over him to grab it, brushing my naked body against his shoulder. He turned and nearly stuttered. I was immediately embarrassed and was ready to get behind the safety of the soon-to-be cloud of zesty scented bubbles.

  “You’re a vision. Has anyone ever told you that?” His words offered me reassurance and the way his eyes drank me in made me feel more confident than just a second before. I loved how comfortable I felt around him.

  I just smiled and continued on with getting my bath ready.

  The water was perfect and the room filled with the invigorating scent of lemongrass. I slipped in and let out a low satisfactory moan. Simon took a seat on the toilet a couple feet away.

  “Are you planning on just watching me or are you going to get in on some of this sweet soaking action?” I asked. The tub was plenty big enough for two and what was more romantic than a shared bath?

  “You just want to see me naked don’t you?” He joked.

  “Maybe,” I joked back.

  He did as I asked and stripped down to nothing forcing me to bite my lip and curl my toes in anticipation.

  Once he was fully emerged in the hot bubbly water he beckoned me to sit with my back against his chest. What a glorious feeling it was being wrapped in his arms while the two of us were surrounded by the relaxing qualities of an amazing bath. All that was missing was some flickering candles and scattered rose petals.

  His hands began to wander around my skin searching for things that they hadn’t touched yet, or at least not in days. I could suddenly feel every fragment of my skin come to life.

  “Your hands are like magic,” I offered as two greedy fingers found the spot they were so rudely interrupted from conquering that day in the shower. “Case and point.”

  He let a low grumble slip between his teeth whispering in my ear “your body is magic.”

  ****

  “I now understand why you love baths so much.” Simon said as he pulled his dark purple shirt back over his head.

  “Aren’t they great for tension relief?” A playful smile danced across my face.

  “Indeed.”

  “So, now can we please go out? I’ve been cooped up in here for three days.” I pushed him toward the door, grabbing my pale pink cardigan to pair with my gray strapless dress.

  “Oh what, you didn’t like bath time? Sounded like you enjoyed it! And I’d say since half the water ended up on the floor that your body thought it was brilliant.” He was so smug with himself.

  “Of course! Which is why we need to get out of here before I trap you in the bed for three more days.”

  “Well now! That doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.”

  “Let’s go…” I trotted out the door so he had no choice but to follow.

  “Alright… alright. Where to then?” He asked.

  “I don’t know. You’re the Brit. Show me the good stuff!” I pleaded.

  “Take my hand then,” and I gladly did.

  Chapter 11

  We spent the rest of the summer doing what we had promised, having fun. The four of us living it up in London being young and carefree until we had to return to that world filled with studying and boring lectures – the real world.

  We hit up all the typical tourist attractions like the ever so popular Piccadilly Circus and the elegant Palace of Westminster. As well as some not so touristy sites that Simon showed us like the vibrant Brixton Market and he took us on a peaceful bike ride on the canal from Limehouse Dock to Paddington.

  I spent most of my nights with Simon alone. I think I slept in the hotel room a total of ten nights after meeting him. Suzette and Adam didn’t complain. They took a liking to him and became fast friends. It was an overall otherworldly summer, and I was not thrilled to
be going home – back to the big apple – in just two days.

  “I don’t want to leave.” I whined to Suzette while the two of us shared a bottle of Vodka and a box of pricey chocolates from the freshly stocked mini bar. Adam and Simon were out together helping one of Simon’s college buddies move. He promised me he had tried his hardest to get out of it, but he told Kellen he would help him months ago and this was the only night they could do it. Adam graciously offered to lend a hand to get things done quicker. He understood that I only had a couple days left with this glorious man and he wanted to help out where he could.

  “Because you’re attached to Simon?! I told you this was going to happen!” She exclaimed slurring her words as she took another sip from the bottle. “Seriously, I told you! Remember what I told you at the beginning of the summer.” Suzette could get a little redundant when under the influence.

  She wasn’t necessarily wrong either, I had developed some intense feeling for Simon and I knew that it was going to be difficult to shake them. But we made an agreement and he hadn’t hinted at breaking our promise to each other… so why should I?

  “That’s not the only reason, I like it here.” I rationalized stealing the bottle from her hand and taking a long sip. The welcoming sting of alcohol rushed down my throat and settled in my stomach, but in my head was where I felt it. “I like this magical city and all that it has to offer. It’s like New York, but more charming. More inviting.” I took another swig and passed the now almost empty clear glass bottle back to my drunk friend, but she refused it.

  “No, I’ve had enough.” She pushed the bottle back towards me, but I was intoxicated enough, so I gingerly placed the bottle on the nightstand and fell back onto the soft bed.

  “Listen girl, I know you’ve got it bad for Simon – I can see it in the way you look at him. And I can also see the way he is with you and I know he has the same feelings,” she spouted. “I know that the two of you came to an agreement about the end of the summer, but if this thing between the two of you is as real as I think it is… then you need to do something about this.”

  “But…” I tried to interrupt her but she just put her long palm over my mouth and wouldn’t let me speak.

  “But nothing. I know school is important and all… but I’m sorry… you my dear are a rich bitch and you don’t even need an education to get by in life. And if you haven’t noticed Simon is pretty loaded and well on his way to a pretty lucrative career.” She wasn’t wrong again. He had a very well-off uncle who died a few years back and he was the sole beneficiary to everything he owned. He grew up in the house that was left to him after his parents passed away when he was thirteen (the real reason he went to live with his aunt in Chicago), so it was too painful for him to stay in the house. He sold it and moved closer to London to go to University. The night he shared all of these intimate details was a very emotional evening, and our love making had been so tender and full of devotion.

  Suzette finally released my lips from under her soft hand. “So, what am I supposed to do?” I pleaded, tears welling in my eyes as the thought of losing him became the front runner in my mind. I thought I could handle it, but the booze mixed with the girl talk was making me think twice.

  “You need to tell him you want to stay. Make it work with him. Your parents aren’t going to give two shits about it… I mean your mom will make you feel insanely guilty, but that’s only for her pleasure.” Drunk Suzette made some great points. Aside from the scholarship I would lose to NYU nothing else was waiting for me in New York, and I could afford to go to any school I wanted ten times over. All my hard work in high school would’ve been a waste, but was my educational status more important than love?

  “Do you want to stay with him?” She prodded.

  “Of course I do… I just don’t know if he wants me to stay, and I’m not sure if I can take the rejection if he tells me he feels different.” I let the tears spill out of my eyes roll down my temples; disappearing into my hair.

  “Babe, don’t cry. It’ll be alright. You just need to sit him down and be forward with him.” She rolled over to sit herself on top of me, and wrapped her long arms around me in a big bear hug. “I love you more than anything, and I will always be straightforward with you.” She mumbled with her face stuffed in my hair. She pulled herself up so she was straddling over me looking down at my tear-stained face. “I’m not going to lie to you, there is always that chance of rejection, but is it really better to go home without knowing at all? Without knowing what great love you two could share? I wouldn’t take that risk, and I don’t think you should either.”

  She had a good argument but part of me was still unsure. Then, like they could sense it, the boys walked through the hotel room door and spotted the two of us in a very compromising position.

  “Well well well. What do we have going on in here?” Adam wailed.

  “Oh you know, just a little girl on girl action while the boys are out. We have to keep ourselves entertained somehow right?” Suzette giggled as she rolled her hips forward and back across my stomach. I burst into laughter as she fake moaned until I pushed her off of me back onto the bed.

  “Mmm yes, well. As lovely as this is, Miss Suzette if you don’t mind, I’m going to steal this inebriated darling away from you. Our hours are limited you know.” Simon expressed; his words putting that sting of pain back in my throat as I could feel more tears forming. I couldn’t let him see that I had been crying.

  “She is all yours pal.” Suzette stammered. My eyes were still wet so I stayed on the bed trying to fight the tears back so I wouldn’t have to explain myself, but before I knew it a pair of strong hands were lifting me off the bed forcing me to squeal. He carried me out of the room giggling, and I waved wildly to Suzette and Adam.

  He plopped me down on top of my perfectly made temporary bed that hadn’t been slept on in over a week. I couldn’t get a handle on my laughter. Even when he draped his body over mine and kissed me deeply I laughed through his kiss. His hands began to explore my body and I could tell he was craving me. He had this perfect way of letting me know everything he was thinking just by touching me so it wasn’t hard to decipher that when his hand stopped abruptly he could also sense what was really wrong with me. He pulled away instantly and stared down at my face. I may have been smiling and still laughing a little, but I was also crying, and I couldn’t stop.

  “Lucy?” He was worried. His eyebrows furrowed upward but his eyes dropped. He didn’t even need to ask me what was wrong because he already knew.

  “Lucy, I’m sorry,” was all he could say, and that was enough to send me into a fit of loud sobs. I really wished I hadn’t had anything to drink; it would’ve been much easier to control myself.

  “No, I’m sorry Simon. I’m only acting like this cause I’m an emotional drunk. I have issues, but I’m fine really. Really, I am,” but my words couldn’t even convince me, so I knew they didn’t convince him.

  “Don’t lie to me. After all we’ve shared together this summer please, just don’t lie to me.” He begged. Suzette’s words spun like an out-of-control merry-go-round in my head faster and faster and I had to debate on whether or not to be truthful, or to come up with a convincing lie so we could just have sex and go to bed. I burned my stare into his eyes; his deliciously brown eyes that were full of torment and pain, and I tried my hardest to hear his thoughts. If I could hear what he was thinking then maybe I could have gotten myself out of the situation with the result of both of us being somewhat happy. He looked just as upset as I felt at that moment, and if he was overwrought about the situation then maybe he would be fine with my proposal to stay. I decided to take the risk and lay all my cards out on the table for him to graciously accept or to toss them back in my face leaving my heart and ego seriously bruised.

  “Can I be honestly honest with you then?” I asked politely, sitting up in the bed and wiping the salty tears from my cheeks.

  “That’s all I ask.” He muttered, but looked almost
afraid to hear what I had to say. The instinct to lie came rushing back again but I had to know what his true feelings were, or there was a serious chance I would leave the country verifiably insane.

  “Okay… I want to stay here. In London. With you.” I couldn’t breathe as I waited for his reaction. All the air was vacuumed sealed out of the room and there was no hope of relief until I heard him speak, but he just stared at me blankly, like all thoughts had been completely erased from his mind. Milliseconds turned to seconds that turned to minutes which turned to hours until eventually it felt like ten years had passed.

  Still waiting for a response I felt more tears gathering. I hated crying. I felt like it was the most useless thing our bodies could do and I wished it could be controlled. But it couldn’t, and tears spilled out of my eyes rolling down my face like condensation on a cold glass of lemonade in the summer heat.

  “Please Simon, you asked me to be honest with you. I think it’s only fair you return the favor.” I broke the silence pleading with him to say anything.

  “I…” He started, but he seemed to be having trouble with his words as he looked down at his lap. He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Looking back up at me his demeanor had changed. Suddenly he felt cold and distant. This was it I thought.

  “I can’t let you do that.” He finally spit out, and I was completely floored.

  “But… you’re not letting me do anything. This is my decision. I don’t need to go to some fancy college to be happy, all I need is you and I want to stay here and be in love, with you.” I cried.

  “No. You’re right,” his words filled me relief. “It’s not my decision if you stay or not, but if you stay it doesn’t mean we will stay together,” and just as quickly they broke me.

  I could barely breathe, let alone speak, so I just sat and stared at him with a steady stream of tears pouring out of my eyes. “But…” is all I could manage to squeeze out as he stood in front of me with my heart in his hands ready to toss out the open window.