Heavy Hearts

by Kaemke, Kylie

  And just like that he’s gone, and my heart aches. He has some odd power over me. At first I was a little scared by how strongly he came on that night at the beach, but who am I to judge someone else’s feelings when I don’t even know how to control my own. I want to leap out of my chair and chase after him; beg him to take me, but I can’t. It feels like I am nailed down to the chair or frozen in utter shock. It’s as if someone handed me a solid concrete anvil and asked me to babysit it for them leaving me helpless and alone in this plush chair too weak to lift it off my lap.

  “Alright then… that takes care of one problem” Finn smirks. I shoot him an evil glare. I can’t believe he would say such a thing, but then I once again think back to that summer in Cherry Valley and his comment doesn’t surprise me at all. But what does surprise me is that after I burn my stare into him he looks guilty and mouths the word ‘sorry’. I remember him being unapologetic.

  “Listen, I don’t know what you want out of me… but I’m not just going to be able to pick one of you, or either of you. This is all so much more than just a quick pick” I try to explain.

  “Baby please,” Simon whispers. “You know what we have is real, don’t break my heart like this.”

  “Oh like you broke mine?” I snap. He has nothing to retaliate with. “I’m sorry Simon, but as of right now it is not going to be that easy, and I think you should leave. Go find a hotel or something. I need to be alone with Finn for a while,” I look at Finn. “We have a lot to talk about.” And just like that, Simon gets up and leaves the room.

  I feel terrible for the way I pushed Malcolm and Simon out of the room, but at the same time I feel like I owe it to Finn to hear what he came here to say. Since there is no way that is going to happen with the two of them around I needed to get him alone. This is such a mess.

  “Alright Finn. Spill it. Why are you here?” I jump right in. I’m cranky and tired and I really want to go back to bed.

  “Lucy, I know it’s been way too long and I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for the way I handled things after my father’s death, but I just want you to know that not a day went by that I didn’t think about you. I’m in love with you, I never stopped loving you, and I couldn’t live my life anymore without you knowing that. I need you back in my life Lucy. I don’t know who I am without you.” I see the tears welling in his eyes now.

  “You’ve had years now to learn who you are without me. I know I certainly did. What makes you so sure that I want you in that way anymore?” I can’t help but be cold since it is the only thing that keeps the sobs at bay.

  “I knew the second you saw it was me in the living room and I saw that entire amazing summer we spent together wash over you like a breath of fresh air. I know you still love me. I know it.” And all I can think silently to myself is ‘I do’.

  “Okay, but I’m in a place in my life right now where I just can’t handle the drama and mood swings that come along with you Finn. It’s hard for me to hate you after tossing me aside, because I know it was a dark time for you, but if you’re going to throw me out whenever things don’t go your wa - ” he cuts me off.

  “I won’t, I couldn’t, not again.”

  “But do you understand where it is hard for me to trust that?”

  “Yeah, I do… I just hope that I can change your mind. That’s why I came here. I want to show you that I have changed. I’ve been getting help, and to start, I want you to know that I’m not going to push you to make a decision. I understand that there is a lot of pressure being put upon you right now and I don’t want to make it any harder. Just don’t push me away. If you still feel like we can’t have back the love we once had, then I will gladly leave and let one of these other fine gentlemen keep you as their own. But know this, I am going to do everything in my power to make you understand that I have changed.” He gets up from the table and pulls his backpack tight over his shoulder. He walks around the table so he is standing by my side, and he leans down to my level to give me a peck on the cheek. “I’ve missed you so very much Lucy Whitten. So very much,” he whispers as his lips sweep past my ear.

  I shiver.

  “I’m sorry, please. You have to go right now. I can’t trust myself around you right now when I’m feeling this emotionally confused. Please, go.” I tremble.

  He says nothing as he walks out the door, and I am alone. Once I know for certain that he is gone I let myself cry out loud as I put my head in my lap. I don’t understand why this mess is happening to me. Why all at once? Why now? And what… what the hell am I supposed to do?

  I tell myself I have to choose one, but then my heart breaks thinking of getting rid of the other two. So I tell myself I will remain alone, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I love Simon, I love Finn, and I know I could love Malcolm if I gave him the chance. These are three very different men and all three are very passionate about one thing, and that one thing is me. How can I choose just one heart to love, when it means breaking two?

  Chapter 29

  Three weeks after Malcolm, Simon, and Finn all popped back into my life and I’m still just as confused as the first day. The day after we all had our little chat I sought out Malcolm. I couldn’t just kick him away like that. If I was going to take in consideration the fact that I may be in love with Simon or Finn why would I give up the only one who hasn’t broken my heart?

  It was a confusing few weeks. I mostly stayed locked in my room reading crappy romance novels. I thought maybe they would be able to help me out of this predicament, but no such luck. Three weeks now, and I feel like I should start to do something about this. I pick up the phone.

  “Hello?” A dapper voice chimes across the lines.

  “Hey, Malcolm, it’s Lucy” I chime back.

  “I had a feeling I would be seeing you today.”

  “Oh? And why’s that… also what makes you think we’ll be seeing each other?” And right on cue the doorbell rings.

  I don’t even say anything into the receiver before hanging it up and tossing my phone on the bed so I can fly down the stairs to meet him. I feel giddy, and I can’t help but smile a million miles wide.

  I’m thrilled to see Malcolm because I have something important to ask him. Something that I had been milling over since I received the wedding invite from my two best friends just a week ago - Adam and Suzette’s wedding. I had been wracking my brain trying to decide if I should bring a plus one or not. I decided this morning to invite Malcolm. If I’m going to have to choose one of them I need it to be fair. I have summers worth of memories with Simon and Finn. All I have with Malcolm is one head spinning night on the beach.

  Kathleen has already answered the door by the time I get down the stairs. She’s trying her best to flirt in her barely-there hot pink bikini and sheer black sarong, but his gaze flutters past her and burns into me as I nearly fall flat on my face coming down the steps. It had only been a week since I saw him last (he wanted to stop by to make sure I was okay after a very confusing phone message I left him one night after getting too drunk) but he somehow looks cuter than I remember.

  He wears blue and white plaid cargo shorts with a white v-neck tee that exposes his bronzed skin and his peaking brown chest hair. Sunglasses hang from the ‘V’ and he walks around in flip-flops (no socks thank goodness). He looks young.

  “Lucy, you hung up on me!” he exclaims.

  “I can descend stairs quicker when I’m off the phone,” I coyly reply. Kathleen slinks away, jealous of me no doubt, but she has her own rich men to play with… she can leave mine alone.

  “I see,” he smirks. I so want to kiss that smirk… “So, what do I owe the pleasure of a phone call to?”

  “What do I owe the pleasure of a visit to?”

  “Ah yes, you got me there. Okay, I’ll go first. I wanted to know if you would come on a friendly picnic with me? No funny business I swear. I just want to be in your company, and if being your friend is how I have to do it then I can accept that.” He’s so conf
ident and debonair that I can’t resist. Not that I was going to anyways. A picnic is the perfect place to bring up the wedding.

  “I’ll go grab my things,” I say and I run back up the stairs to retrieve my bag and to make sure I don’t look dreadful. Luckily that morning I was feeling rather dressy so I donned a short sundress with floral print. My hair was fishtail braided and hanging down to the side, so I throw on a big floppy brimmed sun hat and I skip back down the stairs.

  “I dig the hat,” he remarks as we walk down the pier to the beach.

  “Thanks,” I giggle. “So where is this picnic then?” I wonder.

  “Ah yes, the picnic,” he points his perfectly manicured finger down the white sandy beach. I can see a white and red checkered picnic blanket and placed on top of it is a wicker basket and some throw pillows. Looks more romantic than friendly, but I’m not complaining.

  We walk down to the blanket together. He is being careful to keep a safe distance, and I am being a flirt trying to stay near him. I want to throw him down in the sand right now, not even caring if anyone sees us, but I know I have to keep my cool. I have decided to give him a chance, that doesn’t mean I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t want to be sleeping with anyone until I know for sure they are the one.

  “So, are you going to tell me what your intentions were on that phone call?” He pushes again as he bites down on his ham sandwich. I have a turkey sandwich, my favorite, and I chew my bite fast so I can clear my mouth for talking.

  “Mmm, yes” I hold up my index finger to signify that I need a second. I take a sip of water after swallowing and clear my throat.

  “There’s a wedding,” I propose.

  “Oh is there?”

  “Yes, don’t interrupt!” I playfully say as I lightly smack him on the leg. He zips his lip and tosses the key. “My best friends Suzette and Adam are getting married in two weeks and - ” he interrupts again.

  “Two weeks?! And you’re waiting until now to ask me?” He exclaims.

  “I said no interrupting, and what makes you think I’m asking you anything?” But it’s obvious that I am.

  “Sorry… continue.”

  “Like I was saying, a wedding, in two weeks. Will you be my date?”

  “It would be an honor. Even if it is such short notice! I mean… what am I going to wear? May I come raid your closest?” he jokes. I like it when he jokes, I like Malcolm. He’s like me. He’s sophisticated when need be, but he is still just that boy who made mud pies with me and sipped pretend tea. I can sense my feelings for him grow, and I definitely think loving him is a great possibility.

  We finish off our picnic sharing stories about high school and the friends we miss. I tell him about Adam and Suzette and how they are the two greatest, but also most indecisive and unpredictable people I know. Hence why the wedding is in two weeks and not two months like it was originally intended. Luckily during the school year Suzette and I couldn’t wait to begin planning. We pretty much have the entire thing ready to go today if we wanted. As her maid of honor I made sure she had the best of everything, and soon enough after saying “I do” she will.

  We sit out on the blanket until the sun begins to set. Sipping some Broken Road Chardonnay and sharing stories about life.

  “I missed this.” He looks at me with loving eyes.

  “Missed what?” I ask, knowing full well what he means.

  “Me and you, on the beach, laughing. I’m glad to have you back in my life Lucy.” His words make my heart melt. I will never get used to how shocked he can make me feel.

  “Well it’s a good place to be.” I smile and slip into Malcolm’s strong arms. He holds me tight as I drift off to sleep with a belly full of wine. It’s a little more than friendly, but oh so very perfect

  ****.

  I wake up the next day in my bed, alone. I can’t believe I slept through an entire evening and night. The clock reads 6:00 am as I rub the sleep out of my eyes. Too early for summer vacation, but I feel rested enough to never have to sleep again, so I climb out of bed and slip into a nice hot shower.

  I sit down to breakfast, just a bowl of cereal I’m feeling too rested to even make food, and one of my male cousins is sitting at the table behind a newspaper. Or so I thought.

  “Can you give me the entertainment pages when you’re done?” I ask the person I thought was possibly Kip, but he lowers the newspaper and reveals his sad gray eyes. Finn.

  “You can have whatever you want,” he flirts.

  “Finn… what are you doing here?” I swear I can’t have one good day of peace before someone has to come around and ruin it.

  “Lucy, I think it’s about time we stop fooling ourselves. Baby, I want you back and I’ve been patient. Please, let’s just get in the truck and go back to Cherry Valley together. Please Luce” he begs, furrowing his brow.

  “Woah. Where did this come from all of the sudden?” I wonder.

  “Is it really that sudden? You knew why I came back here. You know what I want. So were you expecting that I was just going to stay trapped in that hotel room while you just thought it over?” his furrowed brow deepens. “I have news for you Lucy, I’m here to fight for you, and I’m not going to sit idly by and let one of the other bozos come in and take you away from me.”

  “Finn, they can’t take me from you when I’m not yours to begin with. In fact, they can’t take me at all. I will choose whether I want one of you in my life on my own terms. I realize this is childish and insane, but what else would you have me do? I can’t help that I love you, and I love Simon, and I feel myself falling in love with Malcolm. You are just going to have to accept that this is not an easy decision for me,” I rant. I didn’t realize my eyes were welling and my cheeks were hot, and not doubt red. When the tears roll down my flustered cheeks I’m taken back by what this is all actually doing to me, and them for that matter. What the hell was I thinking? I should’ve ran the second I saw Simon at my party. I don’t deserve to be put through this, and neither do they.

  Finn looks terrified and he remains silent as I stand before him wiping away the tears from my burning face.

  “Sorry,” I squeak; trying to find my dignity that I must’ve dropped in my now soggy cereal. “I think it’s just best if you go for now… you just caught me off guard is all.”

  He doesn’t say anything. He just leaves me alone with my ruined breakfast and a crumpled newspaper from where he was gripping too tight while I was having a tantrum no doubt. I can’t handle him right now, but I also don’t want to be alone and I feel a twinge in my heart as the door slams shut behind him.

  I know that I shouldn’t be picking up the phone and searching my contacts for ‘S’. I know that I shouldn’t be letting my finger slide across his name as my heart thuds like a giddy school girl calling a boy she’s been pining over for the past few months. I know that I should hang up the phone after the first ring sound loudly in my ear. I know that it’s not Simon I should be calling. I shouldn’t be calling anyone. And most importantly I know that this is so unfair to us all.

  It’s when his voice chimes excitedly on the other end of the line that I don’t care about what I know; all I care about is what I want.

  Chapter 30

  “Simon, I just don’t even know what to think anymore…” it’s good to just talk to Simon. He’s always been a great listener.

  “What does your heart tell you love?” He asks. Like it’s that simple.

  “My heart? It’s telling me to round up the three of you and take you all away to some remote island where I can be with all of you at once and not have to worry about letting anyone down.” I foolishly divulge. He’s always been good at getting me to say what I’m really feeling. If either of the other two asked me that question I would just answer “I don’t know”.

  “Well, as tempting as that may sound to you something tells me that the other lads would agree with me when I say no thank you. But I can tell you what your first mistake is…” he pauses for dramatic eff
ect I’m sure. I give him a wide eyed stare urging him to go on.

  “You have to stop worrying about letting anyone down and do what you need to do. Lucy, trust me when I say that I will be ready to jump off the London Tower Bridge if you send me packing, but I don’t want that to be the only reason you choose me. It’s not real if you don’t feel the same way back.”

  “Right. I know, but I don’t know… do you think you could come over? I’ll make you dinner. I just feel like I have to see you.” Giving him the wrong signals which of course he accepts my invitation and will be over around six; giving me time to shower and whip something up to eat.

  I cook homemade pizza for him; black olives, mushrooms, and green peppers. I’m realizing as I’m placing it on the center oven rack that I don’t even know what kind of pizza toppings he likes. I don’t know what kind of pizza toppings any of them like… which is a shame since homemade pizza is my go to comfort food. I love baking it (since it’s the only thing I can make well) and I love to devour it. I could eat a whole pie in one sitting if I didn’t have someone to share it with.

  The doorbell rings as I set the oven timer. My stomach flutters, but I tell myself it’s because I am hungry. I didn’t end up eating that soggy cereal after all.

  I hear someone else answer the door, my grandmother. She loves Simon. Malcolm is definitely on the top of her list, but that’s only because she’s known him all his life. Simon makes her blush. She says it’s important to have a guy that can make you blush.

  “Oh Simon, you are such a doll.” I hear her gush as she leads him into the kitchen.

  “Well Mrs. Whitten, I call it like I see it. You deserve and award for that smile.” He says as he leans down to give her a kiss on the cheek; his glasses bumping her nose, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

  “All right then, you kids have fun. I’m off to bridge club over at Ceclia’s. Love you dear.” She blows me a kiss as she disappears out the back door to make her weekly walk down the beach. I so love my grandmother.