Heavy Hearts

by Kaemke, Kylie

  “So, what’s cooking?” Simon ponders as he plants the same kiss he just gave to my grandma on my cheek.

  “Well hello to you to.” I giggle. “Pizza, homemade. You like black olives, mushrooms and peppers right? Sorry I should’ve taken your order. They’re my favorite toppings and I just-”

  “They’re perfect,” he cuts me off and says with a smile.

  “Alright then. Well it should be done soon. I thought we could just catch up and stuff while we eat and then maybe watch a movie after?” I propose.

  “Sounds like a lovely evening.” He confirms as he removes his glasses to clean off the smudge, left by grandma’s nose, with his plain blue tee.

  The pizza finishes and I grab some plates, two wine glasses, and a bottle of Pinot Grigot and we head up to my bedroom. There are at least six TV's in this house, and many adequate places to eat pizza, but I still feel like the privacy of my own bedroom is necessary.

  We spread out on my bed and I serve him two pieces of pizza to start while he pours the wine for us. I pick at my pizza; suddenly not hungry anymore as I’m so very aware of him sitting on my bed. The same bed that not that long ago we were having animalistic reunion sex on. He devours the first piece in just a few bites, letting out a pleasing moan as he chews. My throat is suddenly very dry. I take a long sip of wine and try to eat my dinner.

  "Adam invited me to the wedding" Simon finally says after a silence that felt like an eternity, but in fact was probably a little under two minutes.

  "You're kidding?!" I blurt out stunned. Although I'm unsure exactly why I'm shocked. Simon and Adam had developed a real "bromance" while we were in London. The entire summer if Simon wasn't with me you could be sure to find him with Adam. The two of them were adorable, and I did know that they still kept in touch after the grizzly break up; I'd just asked to stay in the dark about it.

  "Are you surprised? We're pretty good mates." Simon raises an eyebrow at me in the most delectable of ways. I put the things I want to do to him out of my mind and try to focus on the task at hand. What is wrong with me today?

  My voice trembles as I try and remember the question, "I, uh, guess not. What did you say?"

  "Well, I said I had to ask you, but..." his voice raising a few octaves as he cringes.

  "But what?" I demand with a sigh, knowing I'm most likely not going to like what he has to say and I know he knows it.

  "Then he told me he needed another groomsman and I would really be helpin' him out so I said yes." He spits out in one breath to get the statement out before I have time to interrupt. "Sorry" he winces.

  "SIMON!"

  "Well! You tell me what you would've done Luce. His college mate got into a boating accident and is in a full body cast." I feel bad, but mad nonetheless. This is the last thing I need given the fact that Malcolm is my plus one.

  "Ergghh. Whatever." I let out in a huff. I guess nothing can be done about it.

  "I don't see what the big deal is anyway. Suzette said you didn't have a date. Works out grand cause now ya do," he says smugly. Grinning like he just came up with the solution to end world hunger. Every fiber of my being is trying so hard not to smile back and just say yes to everything he has to say. Just so I can feel his hands on me again. I push Malcolm to the focus of my attention.

  "But that's juts it. I asked Malcolm to be my plus one." I prepare for the blow back.

  "Oh..." is all he lets out. Looking like a wounded animal. I feel terrible.

  "Simon. Please, don't be hurt."

  "I'm not." He says abruptly, but I know he is.

  "Simon... it's just that -" he cuts me off.

  "Do you love him?"

  "No!" I cry, realizing this was the wrong answer, but then again so is "Yes". There is no right answer in this situation, but my initial answer has Simon grinning like a young boy who just became the sole owner of the last cookie in the jar. "I mean... I don't know" his grin fades.

  "Yes, but no was your initial thought. No is how you are really feeling. You don't love this fool so why string him along. Cut him loose Lucy and just come to the wedding with me." I can't deny his logic, but he can't deny my choice.

  "Listen, I'm not exactly sure what's there when Malcolm is concerned, but what I can tell you is this," I sit upright and straighten myself so I am no longer below his line of sight. "Malcolm and I, we don't have tainted history, which means I have nothing negative to remember about him when I lie in bed at night alone. I only have happy childhood memories with him. I don't have to think about him tossing me to the curb or breaking my heart. With him I don't have to relive any painful memories every single time I look into his eyes. I'm sorry Simon, but right now it's just easier with Malcolm." Simon's face drops. He is hurt again, I know it, but what am I supposed to do? Sugar coat everything for him so his feelings don't get hurt? "I'm sorry Simon," I whisper.

  "I love you Lucy. Please don't ever forget that." He sighs. "And I can never expect you to understand how much it hurt, and how sorry I am that I let you go. If I could go back I would wrap you in my arms and never let you leave." Tears pool in my lower lashes. "Not a single fucking day goes by that I don't hate myself for it. I love you Lucy Whitten. I love you." He looks up at me with red eyes and tears rolling off his cheeks. I know I need to stay strong and despite my need to comfort him I think about that night in the hotel room again to pull myself away from him.

  "I know Simon. I know," is all I can let out without pouncing on him like a jungle cat in heat. "I love you too, I really do, but I just am so confused. I don't know how to handle this right now. Put yourself in my shoes."

  "I know." Simon snorts. "Take Malcolm to the wedding. I'll do my best to keep out of your way while you’re there, but don't think I won't be keeping a watchful eye on that wanker. I've seen the gossip mags Luce, I know what he's all about."

  "I'm sure you do Simon," I say with a chuckle. Giving him a light kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood.

  We both stand and fix ourselves before anything else is said.

  “Well, thanks for dinner. It was lovely, but uhm... I think I'm gonna take a rain check on that movie. Just for now, ya know." He scratches the back of his head awkwardly. Like we were two teens on our first date and he was trying to let me down gently.

  "Oh, are you sure? We could do something else." I suggest. Not wanting him to go just yet, but also unsure of what it is we could do that doesn't involve sex.

  "I'm going to level with you love." He begins in that accent that drives me wild. "I'm head over heels mad for you, but truth be told, I can never be your friend. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it would hurt too much. I need to be able to have you Lucy."

  I'm not hurt, nor surprised. I feel the same. We could never be just friends. Truth is I could never be just friends with any of them because I wouldn't be able to trust myself with them. Especially Simon. He makes all my morals cease to exist.

  "No, I understand. But I'll see you soon right?" I say; a little too desperate.

  "You got it." He winks as he backs out my bedroom door. I'm sad to see him go and I feel empty now in my oversized bed all alone. I clear the plates from our homemade pizza and set them on the nightstand. Glancing at the clock I see it's only quarter to eight. Way too early to go to sleep, but I don't know what else to do at this point. So I crawl under the covers and close my eyes. Sleep hits me quicker than I thought and I'm out.

  Chapter 31

  "LUCY! Oh my god! Lucy I can't find my veil!" Suzette screams from the powder room of the dressing area in the church basement.

  "Suze, relax. I told you I had it." I shout back. Smoothing the veil over a mannequin head and trying to fix the dislodged bobby pin falling out of my pinned back up-do.

  "What?! Lucy I can't hear you in here and I CAN'T FIND MY VEIL!" I shudder at the sound of her shrill southern accent. I abandon the hopeless bobby pin and run to the bathroom door; mannequin head in hand.

  "It's right here!" I shove the head in her hands. "Boy Suzette, you're beg
inning to reach bridezilla level." I smile. Partially joking, but mostly being serious. On a scale of one to ten I'd say the amount of issues this wedding is having is a two, but Suzette is blowing each little detail gone wrong into an eleven.

  "Well, maybe if you were helping me like you were supposed to be doing then I wouldn't have to be a ‘bridezilla.’" She bitches as she uses some rather harsh air quotes.

  "Ya know. I'm going to let all this go because today is your day, but girl I am going to get you back for this." I storm off in the opposite direction to go check on the groom, make sure everything is in order with him at least. We have less than ten minutes until this thing is supposed to start.

  I hear Suzette mumble something as I walk away, but I pay no attention to it. Once her crabby self is walking down the aisle I know her mood will melt away and everything will be fine. "Ten more minutes" is all I keep whispering to myself.

  Adam is standing in the hall outside of the altar room with his groomsmen. It's like walking into a forest among all these tall men. Adam's younger brother, and best man, being the tallest among Simon and the three men who attend college with Adam and play on the football team. Adam is still taller than Suzette and I, but he is dwarfed next to these men.

  "Alright guys, time to take your places," I instruct. Adam looks so cool and calm.

  "Thanks for being so great about Simon and everything else Lucy. I appreciate everything you've ever done for Suzette and I." Adam whispers into my ear.

  "Oh it's my pleasure as always. Just wish I could be your maid of honor and not you soon-to-be wife's. She's a little nuts right now, so watch out." I warn.

  "Oh.. should I be worried?"

  "Not at all. She'll be smiling that goofy Suzette smile in just a few moments when she sees her handsome groom at the end of the aisle." I reassure him. "Are ya nervous?" I ask.

  "You know, I was, but I don't think so anymore. I don't see the point in being nervous over this." I smile brightly at him. Just the answer I wanted to hear.

  "Alright then, get up there and soon enough we'll get this thing rolling. Then we get to celebrate!" I cheer; opening the door and ushering him and his groomsmen into the room. Simon stops at the door.

  "You look beautiful Miss Whitten," he says seductively as he lets his eyes wander up and down my body; studying the dark gray short strapless bridesmaid's dress with the big bow tied at the waist and shoes to match.

  "And you look delectable as ever, Mr. Basford." I coo as I return the favor and check him out in his Armani tuxedo. Much different from the usual jeans and t-shirt that I'm used to seeing him in.

  I look into the room and see Malcolm sitting alone on the "Bride" side. He must feel my gaze because he turns around in the pew and smiles at me. He too looks scrumptious in his Brioni tux. The admiration written all over his face is warm and gratifying. It sends welcoming vibrations radiating through my body. Simon's expression isn't as comforting. He looks at Malcolm and then looks back at me with a scowl.

  "Get down there!" I bark, pushing him through the door.

  I head down the aisle to say hey to Malcolm and to let him know the ceremony will begin shortly. He stands as I approach and I'm stunned by his handsomeness. I don't think I can ever look at him without drooling. It's a miracle I can even find words around him.

  "You look beautiful Lucy." He smiles.

  "You don't look half bad yourself." ...smooth. I nervously giggle. I don't know why I'm so flustered around him today. It's not like this is our first "date". However, over the last two weeks before the wedding we have only seen each other once, and that was to talk about the wedding colors and gifts. We agreed since I'm wearing an all gray Vera Wang bridesmaid's dress that he would wear a black tuxedo with a matching gray vest and tie. The colors make his stunning blue eyes sparkle, and my knees weak.

  No, we didn't see each other much. I spent most of my time with Finn. Just hanging out on the beach and even a little horseback riding. It was nice to reminisce with him, and it was also a lot of fun since he'd never been to the ocean before. Watching him run through the water, splashing frantically because he spotted a jelly fish, was just the site to cheer me up. It was nice. But today I'm with Malcolm.

  "Well, I have to get back to Suzette. The ceremony is about to start." I say in a rush.

  "Sounds great. Just one thing before you go," he suggests.

  "Yea -" and before I even finish the word his lips are on mine. Hard and wanting; I can feel it in my toes. The kiss is long and passionate. Unlike any we've ever shared before, and when he's done the smirk on his face tells me the kiss wasn't for my benefit. I look over my shoulder at Simon's piercing stare at the two of us and I realize what’s going on.

  "Malcolm!" I shout, hitting his shoulder with my tiny little girl hands. I'm not totally mad. I mean the kiss was amazing. Whether it was for me or Simon I don't really care to tell you the truth. A girl only gets so many kisses in her life that she actually sees fireworks, and that was one.

  "What? He needs to know who you're here with," he sternly says back. The look in his eyes actually frightens me. I never thought Malcolm was the jealous type. I thought he was the one that understood that what was going on was really hard for me. I thought he was trying to make my decision easier by being patient and adult about the whole thing. But I can see now that he is just as possessive as the other two and not above playing games. Now I'm a little hurt.

  "Yeah, okay." Is all I can manage before storming out of the altar room and back to the basement to make sure Suzette and her prissy bridesmaids are ready.

  "Lucy! Where have you been? Suzette is pissed at you." Kerri Johnson, a cheerleader from Suzette's school, whines at me. She is not the type of person I would catch myself with. Bleached hair, big boobs, and just a little too much air between her ears. The only reason she's a bridesmaid is because aside from me Suzette doesn't have many female friends in her life. Kerri is the girlfriend of one of Adam's football friends so she knows her well enough and figured why not.

  "Pissed?"

  "Just c'mon" she says, grabbing me forcefully around the wrist and pulling me down the steps.

  "Oh hey Luce. We ready to rock this thing?" Suzette says as she holds up her left hand displaying devil horns and sticking out her tongue; while her right hand struggles to hold the large white and pink bouquet of tulips and roses.

  "Yeah, of course. Everyone's in place... are you okay? Kerri said you were pissed," I question. Puzzled by her insanely good mood and relaxed tone of voice.

  "Pssssh, yeah. I was, but then I realized I'm getting married! So come on. Let's go!"

  I let it go. I don't even need to know why, just as long as she's happy and ready now.

  ****

  The ceremony was beautiful, but long. I am happy to be out of the stuffy church, done with the thousands of pictures and various poses the photographers had us in, and glad to be on our way to the reception; which happens to be on a boat.

  "Sorry you had to just stand around while we took all those photos." I whisper to Malcolm in the limo. Everyone else is pre-gaming with the mini bar neatly tucked in between some seats, but I curl up next to Malcolm and close my eyes. It has been a long day already, and it is only five after seven. We still have all night long on the boat.

  "No worries. I enjoyed it. Watching you pose." He kisses me on the top of my head and leans down closer to my ear. "Don't tell anyone I told you," he says in a seductive tone. "But you were even more beautiful than the bride."

  "Oh hush! I was not." I blush. Warmth beginning in the pit of my stomach and spreading all over my body as the thought runs through my mind.

  "It's true," he whispers softer and his warm breath in my ear makes me shudder; but only in the best of ways. I feel the warmth trickle down below my pelvis and I know that there is no way I can resist him. It's a good thing the limo is full, and an especially good thing that Simon is only six feet away. Had we been alone right now I would give myself to him. Especially when his soft fingert
ips begin to brush the naked parts of my thigh. I smile, but then sit up immediately like a prairie dog alerting its pack of danger. I can't let this happen. Not in front of Simon. I smile to Malcolm so he doesn't think there's anything wrong and I grab a glass of champagne that someone hands to me.

  The dinner is delicious and the boat comes to life when the DJ begins to spin. It's a fantastic reception to follow a spectacular ceremony and the looks on Adam's and Suzette's faces tell me they agree.

  After a few glasses of champagne, and some celebratory shots of tequila, I'm feeling quite inebriated and I'm not really sure where my inhibitions went off to. Probably off the side of the boat along with the steak dinner that one of the beefy football players was purging of.

  Between the music, the dancing, the entire atmosphere, (and the drinks of course) I am feeling quite inclined to satisfy that feeling that Malcolm gave me in the limo. Only he is nowhere to be found.

  "Have you seen Malcolm?" I shout in Suzette's ear as we dance to "Hot in Here" by Nelly; her back to my front.

  "No sweetie. What am I not a good enough dance partner?" She yells back, shaking her butt vigorously into me; causing me to burst into laughter, and then I forget all about why I needed him and I continue to tear it up.

  A slow song comes on and Adam grabs his new wife in a loving embrace. Mouthing the word "sorry" to me as he twirls her into him. I smile warmly.

  "May I have this dance?" A sultry British voice whispers into my ear.

  "Well, since I haven't been able to find my date in a while... I suppose" and I grab Simon's hand.

  He's not the best ballroom dancer, so we sway side to side holding each other close. He twirls me every time he sees Adam twirl Suzette and they exchange winks. I know Adam wants me to settle down with Simon, and I suspect Suzette feels the same - though she would never voice it. Sometimes when I'm with him that's all I want to do as well, but it's not that simple.

  "Having fun?" I ask. Although the words may not have come out as smoothly as they did in my head.