Heavy Hearts

by Kaemke, Kylie

  He laughs. "Loads."

  "Good."

  "Where's the ever so handsome Malcolm?" He asks with a snobbish mockery.

  "You know, I'm not sure. He was here one minute dancing with me and then he went to the bathroom and I haven't seen him."

  "Maybe he's dropping the children off at the pool." Simon laughs.

  "Please... don't be gross." I'm not amused.

  "Well in any case. I'll take full advantage of his absence if it means I get to dance with you."

  "Mmmm yes, well I'm sure he'll be back any moment and you might want to watch out. He's being possessive today." I blurt out.

  "Is that so?" His eyes light up as if he's just found out some game winning tips. "So he'd probably be a little upset if he saw me doing this?" He brushes a loose strand of hair away from my sweaty face and tucks it behind my ear.

  "Nope, he's not gonna like that," I slur.

  "So then this is definitely out of the question," and in an instant we're kissing. He kisses me with the same passion and lust he always kisses me with but this time there is something different. There is a savoring to it, like this will be his last kiss ever and he knows it. I want to pull away, I want to tell him this isn't fair, I want to not enjoy it as much as I am, but I can't do any of those things. I surrender to his lips, but just as soon as I give up he is torn away.

  This evening events have me worked into a daze, so it takes me a minute to realize that Malcolm is holding Simon by the collar. I see Simon’s thick glasses have been knocked to the floor and I bend to get them. People are gawking.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Malcolm growls.

  “Alright mate, let’s take it easy.” Simon pleads. I know Malcolm would beat Simon into a pulp if I let him go for it. Simon is amazing, but brute strength isn’t something he possesses.

  “Boys!” I shout. The blurry tumbling thoughts rolling around in my head are beginning to clear. “Guys, c’mon. This is a wedding! Let’s not fight. Malcolm,” I grab ahold of his arm that he's holding on to with a very tightly clenched fist. “Malcolm please, drop him. Let’s go somewhere for a second.” I plead.

  “You’re lucky she’s here to defend you.” He snaps, but releases Simon from his grip.

  I hand his glasses back to him and whisper “I told you…” before turning away with Malcolm.

  Now, I’m not one to condone violence, and I definitely don’t think highly of what Malcolm just did. Having said that I don’t condone Simon’s egging him on with his behavior. So complicated.

  I take Malcolm to one of the less used bathrooms on the other side of the ship. Let’s keep in mind here that I’m still quite drunk and can only be held slightly responsible for my actions.

  I’ve never had men fight over me before, and the newfound liquid courage has me enjoying this. I know I’ll feel ashamed once I am sober, but until then something deeply seeded inside me takes over and I cannot stop it.

  I close the bathroom door behind me and lock the door. I don’t even speak or hesitate to take what I want as I unzip my dress and let it fall to my feet. I kick off my heels and slink over to Malcolm who looks stunned. I’m sure he was expecting a fight from me and not… well, my half naked body flushed up against him.

  “Lucy?” He whispers, but I don’t let him speak anymore. I kiss him with that fiery passion. I kiss him like I’m kissing my knight in shining armor; as if he’s just saved me from being eaten alive by a fire breathing dragon. Of course this isn’t the case, but something inside of me tells me I need to reward my hero.

  “Don’t talk. Just strip.” I seductively say, or at least I hope I sound seductive and not just like the sloppy drunk that I am at this moment. I tug at his bow tie and claw at the buttons on his vest. There is too much work to removing a tuxedo and it’s not going fast enough for my wanting body.

  He trails kisses down my neck as he kicks off his slacks. Before I can change my mind I let my body do the controlling and turn my inebriated brain off for the rest of the evening. Being with Malcolm for the first time was almost like being with anyone for the first time; just without the painfulness that came along with breaking your virginity.

  “Oh Malcolm,” I whimper. Pulling him into me and clawing at his back. I can’t seem to get enough of him. I’m slightly relieved to know that we can connect on more than just an emotional level. Sex is an important thing in my life, and Malcolm sure does deliver.

  Chapter 32

  I wake up the next morning in a strange bed. An extremely comfortable, yet still strange bed. The sheets smell like sweat and sex, and I’m naked. I sit up in the unknown bed, but I’m alone. My head is pounding; no doubt from the excessive drinking I partook in.

  I look around and try to take in my surrounding without wincing in pain. I’m in a hotel room. It’s pretty safe to say that I have to be in Malcolm’s room at The Hilton. I hope.

  The memories from the reception come flooding back to me. Simons kiss, the too-close-for-comfort near-fight between him and Malcolm, bathroom sex, car sex, and hotel room sex. Suffice it to say there was a lot of sex in my evening and I smile briefly thinking about it, but then I feel sick. What am I doing? Like seriously, what the fuck am I doing?

  I need to figure all this out before I see any of these men again. I don’t have the energy to play around in this crazy love square I’m trapped in. And there’s no doubt that the boys would agree.

  I hear Malcolm in the shower, so now is my chance. I quickly sprawl some sloppy words on the hotel notepad next to the phone:

  Malcolm, I’m sorry. I have to think. Don’t call me.

  - Lucy

  I realize that this is the vaguest of messages and I consider waiting for him to get out of the shower to tell him to his face, but I’m just not that brave. Instead I slip on my dress, grab my clutch, and run out the door.

  Once I breathe in the fresh air I feel a little better. My head a little clearer. I call a taxi and slump into the backseat. My mind milling over what it is I need to do. Should I make a pros and cons list for each guy? Let’s see, Malcolm:

  Pro: He’s amazing in bed

  Con: He’s amazing in bed with tons of women

  Pro: He claims to have loved me since we were children

  Con: Isn’t that a little creepy?

  This doesn’t work right. No matter the pro I can find a con. There isn’t any one thing about one of them that makes them better than the others. I just need to feel it, but I feel it for all three.

  Grandma Whitten is sitting at the kitchen table when I get home, and I’m nothing short of thrilled. She’s so wise I know she’ll be able to help me with this crazy situation.

  “Dear, what’s the matter?” She asks. Noting the tears in my eyes and my disheveled state. I don’t even bother to go up to my room and change, I just plop myself down in a chair and let my head fall to the table.

  “Well, I guess we can start with the fact that I have a tremendous headache cause a certain groom was feeding tequila shots to the wedding party.” I mumble.

  “Yes, here drink this,” she hands me a hot cup of chamomile tea. “Then tell me what has you so eaten up. I know it isn’t just a hangover my dear. An underage hangover might I add.” She winks at me. Sometimes I forget about the drinking laws considering everyone in my family drinks. I’ve been drinking at social functions since I was seventeen.

  “It’s a long story grandma, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to tell you the whole story."

  “Well I’ll make another pot of tea and throw in some cookies.”

  By the time I reach the end of my story we’ve been joined by Kathleen and Cassie. I figure the more estrogen we bring in on this the better. I’m even more thrilled when Kip joins in. A male’s perspective would be a nice touch. The four of us nibble on oatmeal raisin cookies and sip our tea as I spill the last few years of my love life all over the place.

  "Well, who has the biggest dick?" Utters my youngest cousin Cassie. We all turn to her, jaws dropped, a
nd scold her for her language.

  "Cassie!" the four of us chime in at once.

  "What? It's a legitimate question." She defends. Lowering her head in her hands on the flat surface of the Maplewood table.

  "Not really. First off it's not any of the family's business and second that's not going to be a deciding factor on the rest of my love life." I retort. Thinking about it though, the answer would be Malcolm. Definitely Malcolm.

  "Moving on" Grandma Sally suggests narrowing her eyes at Cassandra, but then giving her a loving smirk. No one in my family would be classified as a prude, that’s for sure. But I still don't feel the need to divulge the size of my suitors' members to the table. Especially with Kip here. I don't know his status... I don't want to embarrass anyone.

  "I just don't even know anymore grandma. I don't know how to handle this situation, but I do know that I can't let this continue." My phone rings for like the hundredth time while having this conversation with my patient fam. Malcolm must've gotten a hold of Simon and Finn. All three of them have been calling and calling but I keep hitting "ignore." So much for Malcolm paying any attention at all to my note.

  "Well who makes you the happiest?" Kip ever cleverly asks.

  "Kip! Haven’t you been listening to anything she's been saying?" Kathleen gives him a playful smack up against the back of his head. “They all make her happy, you oaf. That’s why this is so difficult for her." She gives me the saddest puppy dog eyes and I think she's about to cry. Stone hearted Kathleen who's only after men for their money and she's not afraid to admit it, is feeling sympathy for me. I want to cry too.

  "Sweetheart, I know this is difficult but you're right. You can't keep doing this to yourself and to those poor boys." Grandma lovingly offers, but unfortunately it isn’t any help.

  "I think I should tell them all to go away." I cry.

  "Well what's the good in that?" Cassie shouts. Lifting her head to attention like she's suddenly been zapped back to life. "Why make yourself and all three of them miserable? That just seems like the dumbest option to me. I say keep them all three and have fun. You're young!"

  "Cassie, you don't understand. This is in no way shape or form ideal to me. It hurts. When I'm alone with one I'm happy and content, but also craving the other two at the same time. It’s insane." I try and make her understand, but the look on her immature teenage face is just blank. She doesn't get it. "How can I choose just one heart to love when it means breaking two?" I ask the table. Sullen stares are all I get back and I suddenly realize that no one is going to be able to make this decision for me. I'm on my own.

  The phone buzzes wildly once again. Finn.

  "You should at least answer your phone. Let them know you want to be alone while you think about it." Kip speaks. "I mean, if I was repeatedly calling a girl after she stormed out of my hotel room with nothing but a crappy little note I'd be worried."

  He's not wrong. I left abruptly, but I didn't want to speak to any of them right now. I might call Simon first and just fall in love with his voice all over again and ask him to take me away without realizing the full extent of my actions. I can't right now.

  "Yeah, I guess. I think I'm going to go take a nap for now. Thanks for listening guys." We all stand and exchange hugs. We aren't the touchy feely kind of family, so it's weird... but I like it.

  I head up to my room alone. Finally peeling the bridesmaid's dress off that I for some reason had on for our entire chat, I throw on some shorts and a black tank, then crawl under the covers and unlock my phone. Twenty six new voicemail notifications pop up. I click on the first one, it's Malcolm. "Lucy, please call me. What happened? I thought things were great and then you were just gone. Call me please."

  The next one was almost an hour later from Finn. "Babe. Malcolm called me all crazed asking if you were with me... don't know what that's all about. Call me."

  And again from Malcolm, but I didn't play it. I skipped down past Malcolm's name two more times and pressed play on Simon's message. "Hey love. Malcolm's gone all weird. Calling me accusing me of stealing you away from him. What a tosser. Did you kick him to the curb finally? Hope so. Anyway, call me back."

  The rest are all from Finn, but I don’t listen. I am about to close my inbox, but my eye catch one that isn’t Finn, Simon, or Malcolm. It is from Mary of all people, and she sounds older, and more tired than I remember her voice.

  “Hey dear. I know it has been a while since we’ve spoken, but I need to ask you a favor. I’m worried about Finn. He’s been away from home for a while now, but hasn’t called to check in with either Mr. Collins or I. It’s unlike him and I’m afraid he may have stopped taking his meds. If you’ve seen him can you please give me a call? Thanks Lucy.”

  As if my dilemma couldn’t get any worse now I had to worry about Finn? All I need right now is to clear my head with some sleep, maybe a hot bath. I’ll call Mary later to let her know that Finn is totally fine. I don’t know what medicines he’s taking, but I can at least assure her that he’s better than ever. As for the boys, for now they get a courtesy text: “I’m fine. I need to be alone with my thoughts right now. Please. I’m sorry.”

  Then I turn my phone off and let the sleep help me forget about my life right now.

  Chapter 33

  I wake up to the sound of shoes on the pavement and the feeling like I am floating. I open my eyes, and sure enough, I am. Well, I’m being carried anyway, but being held up off the ground while in a sleepy haze feels much like floating.

  “Good morning sleepy head. Or I guess I should say evening.” Finn looks down at me and grins madly.

  “Finn?” I shake off the sleep and focus on his sweaty face. “Finn! What’s going on?” I demand.

  “Relax babe. I just really need to show you something. I promise you’re gonna love it!” I’ve never seen Finn this happy and sure of himself in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m thrilled about what’s going on.

  “Jesus Finn, put me down!” I cry.

  “You’re not wearing any shoes, don’t be silly. We’ll be to the truck soon. Just hang on.”

  We approach a shiny blue pickup truck, much like his beat up old Tacoma, but a much newer model and a lot bigger. He opens the passenger side door and sets me down on the seat. I cross my arms across my chest suddenly aware that I’m barely wearing any clothes. Short pajama shorts and my black workout tank top isn’t really the outfit I want to be cruising the streets in.

  Finn climbs in the front seat. I think about running before he is able to start the car, but it’s not like he’s kidnapping me to take me out and kill me. It’s Finn. He may have some issues, but he loves me and I know I can trust him.

  “Do you like the new truck? I bought it today.” Looking self-satisfied he turns the key in the ignition and the beast roars to life.

  “You bought it?” I reiterate. Curious as to why he would choose now to just up and buy a forty thousand dollar truck.

  “Yeah, I bought it for us.”

  “Us?”

  “Yeah, to head back to Cherry Valley with. I thought the long drive would give us a chance to talk.” His words pour out of his mouth as if he wasn’t completely insane. Like it’s perfectly normal to take a sleeping girl out of her bed and put her in a truck to take her far away. I’m in such a shock that I can’t even react before we are on the road headed away from my grandmother’s summer home. From my family. From Malcolm… and from Simon. My stomach feels ill as Mary’s message floats back into my mind.

  “Finn! Finn no, this isn’t a good idea. Please take me back.” I plead, but still stunned. I’m afraid my words come out like mushy potatoes.

  “Baby doll, you’ll see, this will be good. Good for us. Once we’re back at the ranch it’ll all come back to you. Go to sleep if you want, I’ll be okay driving in the silence. Rest baby, it’s a four hour ride.” He coos. It scares me how okay this is to him. I suddenly find myself wishing I got out and ran when I had the chance.

  I try not to freak out.
I don’t know what is going through his mind right now. “Okay, but I don’t have any clothes Finn. Can we go back and I’ll pack a bag?” Lying obviously, but I hope he can’t see it.

  “We’ll just get you some new clothes when we get there. Plus isn’t your room at the ranch filled to the brim with clothes?” – Shit. He’s got me there.

  “Well, I don’t have my phone or anything. I’d like to at least let grandma Sally know where I’m headed. She’ll be worried.” I try.

  “Don’t worry Lucy, we’ll call her when we’re home. We can get you a new phone too.” He brushes my attempts to get back home right off his shoulders. I have to be forward now.

  “Finn! I want to go home. This is ridiculous.” I stammer, trying to sound firm with my words but I’m afraid I sound more like a trembling Chihuahua.

  “Sorry Lucy, but I’m not losing you again. Please, just once you’re back home with me you’ll see. You’ll remember what we had.” His voice sullen, but still chipper like this is all okay.

  I don’t know what else to do, I panic, I lose control of everything and I just shout out at the top of my lungs “FINN IT’S NOT YOU!” I shrink back into my seat afraid of what’s to come. Why did I say that? He’s unstable right now; clearly. He turns his head slightly toward me, but still keeps his eyes on the road.

  He slows the car and pulls over on the shoulder of Montauk Highway. All there are to my right are trees, but I know how to get back to the beach. I can run.

  As if he can read my mind he locks the door. I pop the lock back up and put my hand on the handle, but he’s quick to re-lock it and then grabs my arm. I look at his face. His pained face. I know I’ve hurt him and I can’t bear to look at him right now, but I can’t look away.

  A vein in his forehead bulges and his eyes are buggy. His once slightly tanned face is now beet red and he looks as though he can’t breathe. Like he can’t breathe… like I am taking all his air away. That makes me think of something my grandma once told me: “wait for the one who leaves you breathless” and just like that I know my previous words were true. He’s not the one. Even before tonight. Ever since that day in Cherry Valley when he pushed me away. A piece of me will always hold a flame for Finn. For my first love – my first lover, but as a whole I could never love him again that way. I can’t love him the way he claims to still love me. I just can’t.