The Disappearing Girl

by Heather Topham Wood

  “I’m excited, too,” I said, and I took a sip of my soda after the waiter put it down in front of me. After mentally debating the menu items, I decided on a grilled chicken sandwich. Jealousy flooded me as Brittany proceeded to order mozzarella sticks and a cheeseburger.

  “So, what’s been going on with you?” she asked me. “I feel like I barely see you anymore.”

  It was true. I hadn’t realized how much my relationships revolved around food. Without attending meals together and with her hectic student teaching schedule, I only spent time with Brittany late at night in our dorms.

  “I’ve been busy with classes and homework. I’ve also had a lot of online articles to hand in this week.”

  I wrote articles for several different websites to make extra money. The pay was decent and I could work in my pajamas in front of my laptop. My father’s life insurance policy had allowed us to live comfortably after his death, but I preferred to have my own spending money handy without being forced to rely on my mother for handouts. My mother had quit college after two years, and I couldn’t remember her working a day in her life. Turning Lila and me into her perfect little clones was too taxing for her to do anything else.

  “Oh, okay,” she said. “I was worried you were mad at me or something. I’ve felt like you’re blowing me off lately.”

  “No! I’m sorry; I haven’t meant to flake out on you.”

  “You’re forgiven.” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “So, have you called that guy yet?”

  In a moment of weakness, I went to Brittany for advice. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Cameron since he gave me his card. Several times, I’d even pulled it out and tried to talk myself into calling him. When I told her how much I’d been attracted to him during our two brief meetings, she insisted I make a move. I understood Brittany’s insistence: Since my father’s death, I hadn’t expressed any interest in a guy.

  “No, even if I could get up the nerve to call him, I’m not sure what I would say once I did talk to him,” I admitted.

  “Kayla, you have to snap out of this woe is me phase you’re in. If he gave you his number, he obviously likes you and wants to talk to you.” The waiter came to the table and set the mozzarella sticks down. “You’ve been a downer ever since you got back from break. Don’t let your mom mess with your head.” Brittany picked up a mozzarella stick and shook it at me to emphasize her point.

  I thought being away from my mom would make me feel more at ease, but I couldn’t shake the oppressive mood that had plagued me since after Christmas. The normal things that brought me happiness—late-night movies with Brittany, Skyping with Lila, even my writing—no longer had any effect on me. It was as if I had somehow died inside and was numb to the world. Cameron was the exception, and the idea of relying on a stranger to feel something was terrifying.

  “I’ll think about calling him,” I conceded after Brittany glared at me.

  She nodded, satisfied for the time being. “I wish I had a new hottie to drool over. I’m so bored with campus guys. It’s like the same old, same old. And they have the attention span of gnats! They want you in and out of their beds within the hour and don’t even want your number at the end of the night. I’m hoping to meet someone new when we go out for your birthday next weekend.”

  Brittany’s endless chatter about the lack of eligible men on campus was soothing. It allowed me to momentarily forget about my own problems. When the waiter placed our entrees in front of us, I stared at the chicken sandwich and fries with dread.

  “Kayla, you’re looking at that chicken sandwich like it’s still clucking.” Brittany’s eyes shrewdly scanned me from head to toe. “How much weight have you lost anyway? You look like a total babe, but I don’t want you taking this dieting thing too far.”

  “I’m trying to eat better, that’s all,” I said lightly. I didn’t mind the part of her calling me a total babe, but the rest of her remarks forced me to pretend I wasn’t going overboard with my diet. The chicken sandwich felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as I compelled myself to lift it to my mouth. I was in agony as I forced down a bite. I gave Brittany a tight smile once I swallowed.

  “I never see you eat and I know your mom loves to bitch about your weight. You don’t need the Charlotte Marlowe seal of approval; she has to learn how to accept you as you are.” Brittany pointed to my chest. “You’re drowning in that sweater and I remember it fitting fine last semester. You have to be careful about losing too much weight that quickly.”

  “I’m fine. My New Year’s resolution was to try and be healthier,” I lied. To prove my point, I took another bite of the sandwich. It was tasteless, and the only thing I could think about was how I was going to get rid of those calories later. “Why don’t we go work out after this?”

  Brittany’s look was disbelieving. “We never work out. We don’t even run to class when we’re late.”

  “It’ll be good for us. We could bond again over exercise.” Brittany still didn’t look convinced. “Plus, there could be hot guys working out at the gym.”

  “All right, you sold me on the idea. But there’d better be a lot of cute asses for me to gawk at.”

  I amped up the resistance on the exercise bike and drove the pedals down. After dinner, Brittany and I had changed into our workout clothes and headed to the campus gym. The fitness center had treadmills, stationary bikes, elliptical machines, weight benches, and free weights. It wasn’t a high-tech gym, but access was free with our tuition.

  Brittany was daintily doing bicep curls with the lightest possible weights while not so subtly checking out the butt of the guy standing next to her. I doubted Brittany had even broken a sweat. Meanwhile, I was red-faced with perspiration, which was causing my hair to stick to my skin. Although I wasn’t in shape, I was trying to sweat out as many calories as possible on the bike.

  I groaned in frustration when I checked the calorie counter on the display. I had been pedaling like crazy for half an hour and had only burned two hundred calories. I hopped off and climbed on a treadmill. I never ran on a treadmill, so I pressed the quick start button. Without a warm-up, I increased the speed and incline until I was running at a pace that burned one hundred calories in a mere ten minutes.

  As I surpassed the ten-minute mark, I began to feel lightheaded and had difficulty breathing. My palm slammed down on the emergency stop button and I stumbled off the belt. The room started spinning and stars erupted in my field of vision. Desperately, I tried to cling to consciousness as I realized how close I was to passing out.

  A guy working out next to me jumped off his treadmill and put a firm hand on my elbow. “Hey, are you okay? You don’t look so hot.”

  Brittany was suddenly at my side. “Kayla, come with me and sit.” With the help of the stranger, Brittany led me to one of the exercise mats in the center of the room. I fell into a sitting position, put my head between my knees, and closed my eyes. A bottle of water was pressed against my lips.

  “Here, drink this,” Brittany commanded.

  I greedily gulped down the water. A moment passed and the dizziness subsided. Lifting my head, I noticed I’d drawn the attention of several people working out. A staff member made his way in front of me.

  “Everything okay here?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. I was dizzy for a minute, but I’m feeling much better now.” I was still wobbly as I climbed to my feet, and the muscular guy who had helped me over to the mat reached out to steady me. I shot him a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

  “Yes, thank you,” Brittany said and I could hear the flirtatiousness in her tone. I forced myself not to roll my eyes. There was never an inopportune time for Brittany to flirt.

  “I’m Kurt,” he said. Although he was holding me up, he addressed Brittany.

  “Brittany,” she said and did a cutesy hair flip.

  “Can we go?” I asked her as she locked eyes with Kurt for a long minute. I hated to break up the party, but I was getting uncomfortable with the scr
utiny of the others in the gym.

  “Sure,” she agreed readily. She turned to Kurt. “Do you think you could help me get her back to our dorm?” Her long lashes lowered and she pressed her lips together in a pout.

  “I think I’ll be fine,” I insisted. When Kurt looked away, Brittany’s expression turned pleading. I relented. “But I guess it wouldn’t be hurt to have someone around in case I feel lightheaded again.”

  We made an awkward trio as we left the gym. Kurt had been ecstatic over being enlisted to walk us to the dorm, and I could see the sparks flying between him and Brittany. I trailed behind while they chatted during the ten-minute hike back to the townhouse.

  Kurt fit in with Brittany’s type perfectly. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and an amazing body. He towered over her petite frame and she had hit his arm playfully more than once, squeezing his enormous biceps. I guessed she’d found her latest conquest. Brittany seemed ready for something more than a casual fling, and I hoped she’d find someone soon to get serious with.

  Once we got back to the dorm, I excused myself while Brittany and Kurt continued to talk out front. Hurrying into my room, I collapsed on my bed. I was exhausted. My mind and body were tired, and I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to stand it. I craved oblivion; the chance to disappear and not have to deal with the anxiety that food and my weight caused me each day. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up in a new body I could be content with.

  Chapter Six

  “Happy twenty-first, Kayla!” Brittany’s jubilant voice rang out as we downed our second round of shots for the night.

  We were at the second stop in our planned bar crawl for the night. Brittany’s plan involved us having a shot and a maximum of two drinks at each place before moving on. We’d taken a taxi to Main Street, a long stretch of road containing the most popular bars frequented by Trenton College students.

  We had a pre-celebration in our dorm before heading out around ten o’clock. Brittany ordered pizza and purchased a delicious chocolate cake from a local bakery. As I indulged, it became a struggle to not rush off to the bathroom and purge the high-calorie meal. However, I vowed to not let my food issues ruin my night.

  My mom hadn’t been thrilled that I wasn’t coming home for my birthday. She would only surrender after I promised to spend the next weekend at home. I was excited to see Lila, but dreading the time I’d be forced to spend with my mother. Birthday celebrations were especially hard, since most of the time I’d stare at my father’s empty chair and wish he were there. If I closed my eyes, I could still hear him singing Happy Birthday off-key at the head of the table.

  As we lined the glasses back up on the bar, I pulled on the hem of my dress. Brittany had insisted we go shopping for something new for me to wear out. She made it clear the oversized sweaters and jeans I’d been living in were unacceptable. After I saw her outlandish choices, we compromised, and I bought a simple black dress, with a rounded neckline that dipped startlingly close to my cleavage, and a hem resting on my thighs. I’d been thrilled that I fit into a size six—a size I hadn’t been since high school. My good mood over the revelation allowed me to forget how out of character I felt in the dress.

  Kurt leaned over and whispered something in Brittany’s ear. She tossed back her head and let out a high-pitched giggle. Since my almost-collapse at the gym, Kurt and Brittany had been inseparable. Kurt was a senior finance major and seemed to be a nice guy. As long as he made Brittany happy, I approved of him.

  Jessica and Danielle were seated at the bar and talking to Todd and Dan, a couple of fraternity guys Brittany was friendly with. Dan and Jessica had been flirty since we left for the night, and I had a feeling they’d be hooking up before the night was over. The twins were casual daters, and I didn’t expect anything serious to develop.

  When I scanned the bar, my jaw suddenly dropped. Panicked, I grabbed Brittany’s arm and pulled her away from Kurt. I whispered harshly in her ear, “He’s here.”

  Brittany drew her eyebrows together. “Who?”

  “Cameron,” I said nervously. “Don’t look now, but he’s wearing a green polo shirt and sitting with a group at the table to our left.”

  I groaned as Brittany snapped her head in Cameron’s direction. Inconspicuously, I snuck a look past her to where Cameron was seated. He was with three other guys and two girls. A redhead was seated next to him, and I was surprised by the surge of jealousy I felt when I saw her lean toward him and say something that made him laugh.

  “Let’s leave,” I urged Brittany.

  After Brittany was done eyeballing him, she spun back around to face me. “Are you crazy, Kayla? He’s hot,” Brittany asserted and mimed fanning her face for emphasis. “I’ll let you call dibs since you met him first.”

  “He’s probably on a date with that girl. I really don’t want to run into him,” I moaned.

  “Kayla, get a grip. You look freaking gorgeous! Guys can’t stop staring at you. I’m telling you, even if he is with that girl, he won’t be once he sees you.” I went to protest, but stopped when Brittany added, “You’re too late anyway. He just saw you.”

  I locked eyes with him from across the bar. Recognition dawned on Cameron’s features. He addressed the group at his table as he rose to his feet. They looked my way and I was relieved the dark lighting of the bar could hide my blush. Brittany’s smile was charming as Cameron approached. He kept his eyes on me the entire time.

  “Hey,” he greeted me.

  “Hi,” I replied. I gestured toward Brittany. “This is my roommate, Brittany.”

  “Cameron,” he said, with only a brief glance in her direction. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  He held my gaze again and I swallowed visibly. Brittany’s expression turned sly. She patted us both on our shoulders. “Well, I’ll let you two catch up. I’m going to grab a drink with Kurt.” She addressed Cameron. “It was great to meet you.”

  I leaned into the wall behind me once Brittany slithered away. I took a sip of my drink and tried to come up with something witty to say.

  “You never called,” Cameron stated. It wasn’t an accusation, but his tone told me he had hoped I would be in touch with him.

  “I wanted to,” I said softly into my glass.

  “I wasn’t going to come out tonight.” When he paused, I shifted my gaze to his face. “I’m really glad I did.”

  “Kayla! Dan bought you another shot!” Jessica stumbled in my direction and thrust a shot glass into my hands. The alcohol was already hitting her hard and I suspected she wouldn’t be upright for much longer. When she saw Cameron, she tossed back her blond hair. “Whoa, are you Kayla’s present?”

  Cameron laughed. “It’s your birthday?” he asked me.

  “Yes, first time legally in a bar.”

  “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked, taking note of my near empty glass.

  “That would be great, thanks. It’s a rum and Diet Coke.” After asking Jessica if she needed a drink, he elbowed his way to the bar.

  Jessica’s eyes were wide as she watched him walk away. “Who is that?”

  “Just some guy I met in the Student Center a couple of weeks ago. He was doing credit card sign-ups.” I was trying to play it cool. I was frightened by how much I liked him already. But there was a recklessness about the night working in my favor. It was my twenty-first birthday, and I wanted to shed my normal insecurities and have a fun night.

  My skin was abuzz with anticipation when I saw him turn away from the bar and return to me. I loved seeing him out of a suit. His polo shirt highlighted his lean muscles, and the pair of jeans he was wearing accentuated the nice shape of his behind. His hair still had the mussed style I’d found sexy when I saw him at the college. My hands itched to run my fingers through it.

  When Cameron handed Jessica her beer, she thanked him and darted back to our group of friends. Cameron opened up his mouth to talk, but a shout from behind interrupted his thought. “Cam!” I pivoted toward the source of the voice and s
aw the redhead calling to Cameron from their table. She was motioning emphatically, and I didn’t want to be labeled the interloper.

  “I shouldn’t keep you from your friends.” I fiddled with the silver bracelet on my wrist. “Thank you for the drink.”

  “A table opened up next to them. Do you want to have a seat with me?”

  The alcohol was diminishing my nervousness and I suddenly felt emboldened. “Yes. I’ll just let my friends know.”

  Brittany sent me a wink after I let her know I’d be heading to a table with Cameron. He took me by the hand as I walked away from my friends. His hand was warm and I loved the feel of his skin again mine. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been craving affection until his fingers intertwined with my own.

  Cameron introduced me to his friends at the table. They were a group of his high school friends who still lived in the area. Besides the redhead, who introduced herself as Taylor, his friends were polite and asked about where I lived and what I was studying. Taylor was silent, and I felt derision come off her in waves. I was allergic to girl drama and felt relieved when we sat at the adjacent table.

  He pulled out the chair for me and took the seat across from me. “I wish I would’ve known it was your birthday, I’d have brought a gift.”

  My smile was wry. “Really?”

  “Well, since you didn’t call to let me know, you’ll have to settle for my company.” He leaned back into his chair and took a long sip of his beer. “Was there a reason you decided not to call me?”

  “It wasn’t anything personal, I’m a shy person,” I said.

  “Oh,” he breathed. “A rookie mistake, I should’ve asked for your number. You were giving off the vibe that you weren’t interested, so I didn’t want to come off as too pushy.”

  “You’re a credit card rep, it’s in your nature to be pushy,” I teased.