The Disappearing Girl

by Heather Topham Wood

  “I hated how my friends and family tried to pigeonhole me. Like because I’m not a size zero, they thought I didn’t have a problem,” Chelsea added. Chelsea had an average build and long black hair reaching toward her waist. From group sessions, I learned Chelsea struggled with binge eating and bulimia. “We’re real people, not all of us are going to fit the textbook definition of having an eating disorder.”

  “I couldn’t stand how my eating dictated my life. I had to avoid people and places because they would get in the way of starving myself or going on one of my binges,” I said.

  They both nodded and the room quieted. We became lost in the past, mourning all we’d lost because of our illnesses. I thought about the dinner dates with Cameron I had turned down, the times I’d told Brittany and the twins I was too tired to go out to The Court for dinner and drinks. I could never get those missed moments back, but I could plan for a brighter future.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “I looked in the mirror today and I think it was the first time in a long time I was able to see what I really looked like,” I told my therapist, Noreen, a week later.

  “What was your reaction?”

  “I’ve avoided mirrors a lot and I think it was to prevent myself from seeing the real me. Where’s all the fat I thought was on my body? Because all I see is flesh sticking to my bones. Being under a hundred pounds was never my dieting goal. But once I got there, it still wasn’t good enough,” I explained.

  “Are you learning to accept your body?”

  “It’s hard, but I’m getting there. I mean that’s what you guys preach here, right? Getting rid of all the dangerous and destructive feelings that got me to this point.” I pursed my lips and felt my shoulders tense. “My problem is I have a tendency to feel too much. I was able to be apathetic after my dad died, shut everything off to survive. Once all those feelings I pushed down came back to haunt me, I felt suffocated by my emotions.”

  “How can you change the way you handle your emotions to make better choices?” she asked.

  I had become accustomed to the probing questions. Being more of an introvert, it had been a little strange for me to constantly talk about myself and hyper-analyze my every action. From sun up to sun down, every activity was about how to change the way you were on the inside as a way to survive outside of those walls.

  “I guess I need to find a happy medium. Not turn everything off, but not obsess over every tiny setback, either,” I answered.

  Half an hour later, I finished my session and headed in the direction of my room. Each meeting with my counselor left me with a lot to think about, and I liked having time alone afterward to process all that was said. I was learning to not tune out the voice of reason inside me that wanted to heal and move on from the past.

  When I entered the room, I noticed a few pieces of mail were left on my bed. My initial guess was most of the letters were from Lila. Although she visited with my mom at least twice a week, she liked to send me notes on the days she didn’t see me. She’d gotten it into her head she was going to help build up my self-esteem, and the letters were homage to all the ways I was awesome. She certainly laid it on thick, but they did have the desired effect of making me smile and laugh.

  My mom was making progress, but my expectations were modest. Whether or not she was able to accept Lila and me as we were was insignificant. I couldn’t give her words that much influence over my life anymore. She was trying, and I gave her credit for it. Lila had confessed they went shopping together and my mom hadn’t made one derogatory remark about my sister’s clothing size.

  I picked up one of the envelopes that were on the bed. Cameron’s tight scrawl was instantly recognizable on the envelope. My heart stopped for a minute, and I had to remind myself to breathe. My fingers trembled as I tore into the envelope and drew out the lined sheet of paper.

  Dear Kayla,

  I swore I was going to leave you alone, but Angus insisted on writing you. He misses you like crazy and wanted me to pass along the message. To be honest, we both do.

  Lila told me you’re doing great there. Maybe I’m being selfish because when I heard that, the only thing I could think of was you’d be coming back to me soon.

  I get the reasons we can’t be together right now, but it still sucks. I don’t want to be without you and I freak out when I think that things may be over for good between us. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.

  I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you, but I didn’t want you to think I forgot about you either. Angus is keeping the spot on my bed warm for you and it’s ready whenever you want to come back.

  Love,

  Cameron

  “You look like you’re about to pass out, Kayla. Who’s the letter from?”

  Before I could respond to April, she scanned the letter behind me. I’d been immersed in Cameron’s words and hadn’t heard her come back to our room. She let out a low whistle. “Damn, Kayla, if you’re not going to take back that spot on his bed, I’ll volunteer.”

  I playfully shoved her. “Hands off. I’m thinking it was impulsive of me to decide not to be in touch with him while I’m here. I really want to write him back. What do you think?”

  “Yes!” April shouted. “I’d kill someone to find a guy like that. You’re lucky I like you or I’d totally try to steal him from you. It’s so romantic he wrote you a love letter.”

  I bit down hard on my lower lip. “It’s embarrassing to think back about how ugly I was to him when we were together. I said and did some messed up things.”

  Cameron’s letter couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed the reassurance he still had feelings for me. I’d let him go because I was trying to give him the opportunity to walk away. But the truth was most of my daydreams involved being released from River Center and hurling myself back into his arms. The only thing holding me back was the constant playback in my head of all the ways I’d screwed things up.

  “This disease is ugly. Kind of ironic, I guess, since we’re doing it to be pretty.” April shrugged her delicate shoulders and handed me the notebook that had been resting on my nightstand. “Write him back. If you think about it too much, you’ll probably change your mind.”

  April had a point. There was a litany of reasons to keep Cameron at bay. Yet, he was the one bright spot in the dark days from before. I was finally able to start believing he loved me. He’d said it before, but I hadn’t thought I was good enough for him. As if he loved the counterfeit Kayla I chose to show him, and not the real version. I imagined if I gained weight, he would leave me.

  “I think my hang-up is I met him while I was at one of my lowest points. Like the thought that something good could come out of anything about that time in my life is impossible. But I wasn’t always miserable. I could forget sometimes what was going on with me and have an amazing time with him.”

  “Just because it wasn’t the right time to meet someone doesn’t mean jack. It happens that way sometimes. You’re not looking for love and it finds you regardless and bowls you over.”

  I reached for the notebook. Pleased her harassment worked, April left me alone to figure out what I wanted to say to Cameron. Her release was imminent and I was already imagining how much I’d miss her. Friendships grew fast at the River Center.

  I’d failed to tell Cameron how I felt for most of our relationship. But I wanted to be candid with him going forward.

  Cameron,

  I miss you too. And give Angus a kiss from me. On second thought, maybe a hug would suffice.

  I hated being here at first. It was crappy to give up control and trust a bunch of strangers to help me. But I made some friends and the staff is actually not evil minions like I initially thought.

  Don’t be afraid of losing me. My heart will always belong to you. As much as I tried to deny it, you’ve had me since you gave me one of your cheesy grins and shoved a credit card application in my face. I ran away from you out of
fear. I thought something that powerful and passionate couldn’t be real.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely “cured” but I’m dealing with my baggage. I still need some time to work through everything, but I want to come back to you too. I’ll be in touch when I can.

  Love,

  Kayla

  Chapter Thirty

  “Kayla! What the hell! I didn’t know you were coming back!” Brittany squealed. She charged me and pulled me in tight for a hug. I laughed at her greeting. I was just as excited to see her.

  “I thought I’d surprise you. I was only released a couple of days ago. The counselors didn’t want me to miss the start of the semester. I’m still going to do therapy, but just on an outpatient basis,” I said in a rush.

  The hurdles I’d faced at the start of treatment had been easier to get through the longer I stayed at the River Center. By the end, I wasn’t the girl full of resentment and despair who sat in the back of group meetings, not truly hearing what anybody had to say. I could listen and relate to the emotions of the other patients. We were all lost in some way, trying to find our way back.

  “I’m so flipping happy right now! I thought I was going to have to get a blow-up doll and pretend you lived here to keep the college from giving away your room,” Brittany said, giggling.

  We were back in the same townhouse as the year before. The college used a lottery system to determine housing. Since Brittany and Danielle had lucked out and received top picks, they were able to select our old dorm, as well as Jessica and me as their roommates.

  I followed Brittany into her empty room as she dragged in her suitcase. I had arrived a couple of hours before and had half my belongings unpacked already. “Well you know how my summer was,” I said. “What about your own?”

  “Not as exciting as yours. I heard from your mom you were living with a crack head whore—can’t wait to hear the stories about that. Mostly, I spent time with Kurt and helped out at my parents’ restaurant.”

  I held no resentment toward Marti. I felt sorry for her, if anything. Her dream of becoming a model was unlikely, and I hoped she stopped hurting herself in order to make it happen. I had sent her a text before I left for the clinic to let her know I was going to get treatment. She sent me a text back saying she felt sorry for me and not to let the doctors turn me into a fat cow. Part of my recovery was cutting off contact with her and the rest of the girls I’d found through Pro-Ana. In the future, I wanted to share my story and hoped to change the unhealthy mindset of women like me.

  “I’m glad you and Kurt are still together. You make a good couple,” I said as she unzipped her suitcase.

  “I think so, too. But I may need you to feign another fainting spell in a room of hotties in case it doesn’t work out,” she quipped.

  “I’m at your service,” I said with a laugh.

  Brittany stopped unpacking and stared at me shrewdly. “You’re back.”

  She didn’t have to elaborate. What was left unsaid was I had disappeared for half a year. The Kayla she befriended in freshman year, the girl who bought her M&Ms and trashy romance novels after each boy broke her heart, was back in her life.

  “How has your mom been? Did the therapists recommend shock therapy after her sessions?”

  “Nothing quite that extreme, but I think counseling is helping her, too. We talked a lot during family counseling, and it seems like a lot of her screwy ideas about beauty came from how she was raised as a pageant princess. Also, she was so angry after my dad died, blaming him for not taking care of his body better and having a heart attack. That was the reason she went after my sister and me about our weight,” I explained.

  “I still think she’s horrible, but for your sister’s sake maybe she’ll stop being so damn wicked all the time.”

  “I’m not expecting miracles overnight, but she’s trying. Lila sees that and she’s having an easier time living with her. Lila has come a long way too. Without having me to lean on, she’s become her own person.”

  Lila shined now, and she’d discovered a confidence she didn’t know she had. She had told my mom she was no longer forfeiting control over her life. Not only would she eat what she wanted, but she’d also choose her own friends and boyfriend. My mom wouldn’t concede complete control, but at least Lila had found her voice. Their new dynamic alleviated the guilt I typically felt when I returned to college.

  Brittany interrupted my thoughts. “Does anyone else know you’re back?” Brittany lifted her eyebrows suggestively.

  “Not yet. I thought I’d plan something nice and surprise him. I hinted in an email to him last week I was hoping to be released soon,” I explained.

  After I talked it over with my therapist, I started exchanging emails with Cameron about three weeks earlier. We hadn’t gotten into anything too heavy. They were mostly light-hearted notes that made me smile. I wasn’t afraid of our relationship anymore. I was only filled with hopeful expectation when I thought about Cameron.

  “Well, I’ve been stalking him on Facebook all summer to make sure I didn’t see any posts or pictures of girls trying to make a move on him while you were away. He’s barely been online. I’m assuming he spent the summer pining for you, which makes it safe for you to be with him again,” Brittany said. “Enough boy talk for now. Get your lazy ass downstairs and help me bring up the rest of the stuff.”

  “Glad to see you’re over treating me with kid gloves.”

  As I followed her down the stairs, she spun on me suddenly. “I’m not sure what the rules are for talking about your appearance. But I just want you to know I think you look good. You look healthy.”

  More importantly, I felt healthy. Before I left the clinic, I found out my weight. I was one hundred and ten pounds. I’d gained fourteen pounds during treatment. I wasn’t the same person leaving the facility. The number didn’t send me into a spiral, and I was at peace knowing my weight would most likely climb as I continued to eat a normal diet. I was comfortable in my own skin, and it felt incredible.

  I was a work in progress, and two months at the River Center wouldn’t fix all the things in my life. I’d probably always have to remind myself to eat healthy and not plot out elaborate ways to stay skinny. I also had to deal with the conflicting emotions brought on by my parents. But I was gaining confidence in myself, and none of my problems seemed insurmountable any longer. The uncertainty of life didn’t cripple me as it had before.

  Another change was my newfound willingness to ask for help when I needed it. Being in therapy or on antidepressants didn’t mean I was weak. They were only an acknowledgement that I was tired of struggling and needed help.

  “Thanks Britt.” I rolled my eyes. “Now let’s get all your crap moved in so you can help me think up ways to win my guy back.”

  I nixed most of Brittany’s plans to wow Cameron, since the majority of them were inspired by her latest obsession with BDSM books. As much as I wanted to rock Cameron’s world, I also wanted him to see the real me. I’d kept myself hidden, and a part of being the braver Kayla was showing him the pieces of me he’d been missing.

  It was after six when the door to Cameron’s apartment opened. Angus ran over to greet his owner, and I giggled at the startled expression on his face when he saw me in his kitchen. His voice was strangled. “Kayla …”

  It was a little cruel to scare him, and I was probably lucky he hadn’t chased me with the baseball bat he kept by the door in case of burglars. However, the look on his face was priceless.

  “Your landlord remembered me and let me in here. You probably should think about living in a building with better security,” I teased.

  Then the room fell away, and I was suddenly in his arms. The past dissolved, and it was only the two of us again. There was no hesitation as his lips found mine in a sensual kiss. I took him in completely, lost in how much I’d missed the taste of him. When we broke apart, he didn’t release me. His eyes held mine while his fingers slid over my jaw line.

  “W
hen did you get here?”

  “About an hour ago,” I said and kissed him again. I wanted to fuse our lips together and never stop feeling them against my own. They were beautiful and sexy and when he deepened the kiss, they made everything below my belly clench tighter. Breathless from his kiss, I panted as I tried to speak. “I made us dinner. We took cooking classes in the center and it turns out I’m not half bad. You were always cooking for me, so I thought I’d return the favor.”

  Cameron’s intense stare told me he understood. It was monumental for me—and one of many firsts I hoped to conquer with him before the end of the night. My eyes drank him in. He was casually sexy in a polo shirt and khaki pants, and I ran my hands down the front of the shirt. His chest and abs felt hard against my palms and lust snuck into his expression.

  His eyes became hooded, and I suspected he knew the panty-dropping effect the look would have on me. I grimaced and slipped out of his arms. “I had a whole seduction plan mapped out in my head, and you’re ruining it.”

  “Babe, I’m already seduced. If it didn’t smell so damn good, I’d say to hell with dinner and take you right here.”

  “Hmmm …” I was tempted, and I licked my lips as I fantasized over all the things we could do at that moment.

  His jaw worked back and forth. “You’re killing me here, Kayla.”

  I chuckled. “Okay, dinner first and everything else … soon.” I pecked his cheek and took him by the hand to lead him into the kitchen. I pushed him gently down into a chair. Retrieving the plates from his counter, I presented him the food with exaggerated arm movements. “I call it chicken a la Kayla, but basically it’s just grilled chicken mixed with brown rice and veggies.”

  I was a ball of nerves as I sat across from him. I took a deep breath and dug into the food. After a minute of silence, I peeked up to look at him. He was watching me, a small smile on his lips.