Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  ‘How about this, Gaurav. How about you take this house. It’s worth at least ten, fifteen crores.’

  Kavita shouted out in astonishment, ‘Ma, no! You can’t leave this house. This means everything to you.’

  Kulwinder looked at her. ‘No. You mean everything to me. This house means nothing if you’re not happy. So what do you say, Gaurav? It will solve all your problems. You will be free again. As long as you leave Vansh and not talk about Kavita to anyone. Okay?’

  Gaurav pondered and nodded his head. ‘But I want to visit my child whenever I like.’

  Kavit felt relieved and in pain at the same time. She couldn’t believe her mother had just given up her house. What would Kaajal say? Should she have been here to argue the finer details? Maybe they could have saved some money.

  Kavita whispered to her mother, ‘What about Kaajal’s wedding?’

  Kulwinder whispered back, ‘I have enough for that. You don’t worry.’

  And Kavita knew that she had enough saved as well if her sister ever wanted to get married. But for now she felt relieved that she was free of Gaurav and that she could keep Vansh.

  She knew she had to make a call. To the person who had changed her life. And she had to ask if she would welcome her mother as well. Kavita knew her life was going to change over the next few months and she was anxious, nervous, excited and looking forward to the new change. It was as if a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Nothing felt as good as finally being free of this secret, this marriage and this old life.

  37

  Ayesha didn’t realize how drastically her life would change. Her photo was splashed in the newspaper with Harshvardhan and the headlines screamed: ‘Potential Prime Minister having affair with married woman!’

  Thankfully her face was partially covered with her pallu. She was so thankful that she always wore saris and had by chance been wiping her face when the flash went off. Within a split second she had turned and exited. Fear, stark and vivid, glittered in her eyes. Harshvardhan had always warned her that the media might follow him and to be careful.

  When she came back from the hospital, she had taken the sari she had worn that day and given it away to a bai. She didn’t want any evidence in her house. She had rushed to the hospital that same evening and gone to meet Kavita, who had fixed everything for her. Her stomach had been clenched tight and the sudden fear coupled with her age had made her body go into shock. Ayesha had realized then how precious life was and how important family was to her.

  She had called Pinky to help her back home and it was Pinky who had stayed the next day and managed the house as well. Varun was surprised but Ayesha told him that the papers were about Pinky and she was just hiding away from the paparazzi for a while. Varun had bought her story. After all, Pinky was also married and the face in the paper couldn’t clearly be seen, though Pinky was a larger woman than the one in the photo. But Varun didn’t pay much attention to it. He indulged in the office gossip about the politician and soon forgot about it.

  It was Ayesha who was dying inside. She couldn’t message or call Harshvardhan, feeling afraid that his phone might be tapped and people would find out her real number and follow her to her house. It was impossible to steady her erratic pulse. She just lay low for a few days, refusing to go out of the house and feigning illness. It was in the middle of this that Varun asked her, ‘Have you had yourself checked? You know I didn’t use a condom. It’s just…’

  Panic like she’d never known before welled in her throat. Ayesha had her heart in her mouth as she nodded and said, ‘I’ll do that.’

  She kept the news hidden from Varun. She needed to heal before she could say anything.

  Finally, after a week of not hearing from Harshvardhan and the news reports had died down, he called her from an unknown number. She finally heard his voice on the other line. Immediately her eyes welled up with tears. It was so good to hear his voice.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ayesha, for putting you through all this.’

  ‘What are you talking about? It was my fault. I’m so sorry you had to go through all this mess because of me.’ Her heart churned with anxiety and frustration.

  Harsh was quiet for some time before he answered, ‘I’ve taken this extra number in case you ever want to get in touch with me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Ayesha was apprehensive and her heart was in her mouth.

  ‘I will need to break some ties for some time. The media is following me, my love. I don’t want you to get involved. I don’t know what else to do.’

  ‘Of course,’ Ayesha said, trying to find logic and reason. The tight knot within her begged for release.

  His voice broke as he asked her, ‘Have you decided about the child? My proposal?’ He spoke with a slight hesitance in his voice.

  She stammered, bewildered. She didn’t want him to think she didn’t love him. ‘I’m staying with my husband, Harsh. I am a housewife. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m too old to start again.’

  Harshvardhan’s voice choked. ‘I love you.’

  Ayesha sobbed into the phone. ‘I love you too, Harsh. I’ll always love you.’

  ‘Will you meet me one last time?’

  When she tried to speak her voice wavered, ‘Where?’

  ‘Today. Ten p.m. Metro. Same place as last time. For the last time.’

  Ayesha wasn’t sure if she could get away. ‘I’ll try. But how will you manage to escape all the photographers again?’

  ‘I’ll manage that,’ Harsh said. ‘Please come. I’ll stand where you found me that time.’

  She swallowed hard and managed a feeble answer. ‘Okay.’

  Ayesha hung up and sobbed her heart out. She couldn’t get in the way of his career. The scandals would rock him and eventually he would be bitter and angry with her. She wanted him to remember their relationship for what it was, a beautiful time when two souls connected and meant something to each other. She hoped that he would remember her for giving him wings, for pushing him towards the right things, for making him a better man, and forgive her for the choices she made.

  That evening her composure was a fragile shell around her. She broached the topic hesitantly with her husband. ‘I want to step out for a bit. Is that alright? I’ve been cooped up in the house for so long. Tarini was planning a girl’s night at home. I will probably just go there and chill. Adi has finished his dinner and is playing in his room. Savitri is around if you need her.’

  Varun was still watching TV as he said, ‘Yes go. Have fun. You’ve been stressed out a lot. Meeting some girls will do you some good.’

  Ayesha wanted to confide in someone. What if something went wrong? She dressed very carefully that evening, a simple salwar kameez, solitaires in her ears, a little kaajal and lip gloss. For her petitie build she could pass off as a college student. She took a dupatta and carried her sunglasses. She found a cab and went to the metro station where she had met Harshvardhan.

  His black car was parked in the parking lot but he wasn’t there. She climbed the steps alone and walked on to the platform from where they had taken the ride. She noticed him standing next to a pillar in disguise. He was wearing crumpled office clothes and a moustache and geeky thick black glasses. She smiled. If they had been alone she would have laughed out loud. Then he would have taken her in his arms and kissed her passionately, rubbing the fake moustache all over her face till she squealed and ripped it off his upper lip.

  But Ayesha didn’t say anything as the train arrived just then. It was nearly empty. A few passengers boarded it and Harshvardhan was one of them. Ayesha quickly raced down the steps and caught it in time. Harshvardhan sat in a corner and Ayesha went to sit next to him. He looked the other way as their bodies touched. She looked around the compartment. There were no plainclothes security guards around. This was dangerous. Anything could happen to him. She wanted to speak but he didn’t seem as if he wanted to. She leaned in closer to him, her back touching his shoulder. They rode the entire route o
f the metro till the end of the line without exchanging a single word.

  With each stop Ayesha’s heart sank further and further. She knew this was the last time they would be together. How desperately she needed him. She knew he couldn’t get out of his office to meet her. The reason why he had not told anyone that he was there with her today was because he didn’t trust his security to not leak it to the press. He would always be in danger if he indulged in clandestine affairs. If she couldn’t be with him with all her heart and soul then he couldn’t continue to live half a life. It would ruin his career. And she knew he understood how important that was. But here he was. Making this one last effort so he could hold her hand in a compartment of strangers. Wanting to prove he was there for her even when she had not chosen him.

  A raw and primitive grief overwhelmed her. Her throat ached with defeat. Ayesha wanted to laugh her pain out. Wasn’t it funny. The people whom we consider family sometimes remain strangers in our lives. And the people who walk in and stroll out hold such a significant place that we can never forget them. Harshvardhan had changed her life. She knew he would be a part of her forever. She knew she would love him till the day she died. And yet she needed to fulfill her duties to the world. To her society…to her huband…to her parents. She was a dutiful housewife. There was no alternative.

  As the last stop arrived, he turned and kissed her on her lips, a kiss that lingered for a few seconds and felt like tiny drops of heaven on her mouth. She opened her eyes as he got up and left the compartment, not looking back at her as she sat alone in the train for several minutes. She sat crying her heart out, not caring what any passenger thought of her. She felt alone and desolate. She knew this was the end of a great romance. And she needed to head back to the grim reality of her life.

  The train started again to go back to where it had started. But Ayesha knew she could never go back to where it all began. She would always remember the last train ride she took with Harshvardhan. It would be seared into her memory forever. It would be the last metro ride she took for a long time.

  38

  ‘You can’t leave me!’ Kaajal screamed at Kaushik. ‘You can’t!’

  Kaushik hung his head. He didn’t know what to say. He had booked a hotel room one last time to be with Kaajal and to tell her that he couldn’t continue seeing her and that he was staying with his wife.

  ‘Kaajal…,’ Kaushik started but had no words. He was stuck between two women. He honestly had no idea what to do. On the one hand he wanted to stand by his wife, who he had loved dearly and who had given him two children. Yet he also wanted to be with the woman he loved now. The confusion was gnawing at his insides. He had spent two days with his children and not questioned Naina about where she had gone. She couldn’t be having an affair. That was not like her. She had been wild in her time but she had always been loyal. He had betrayed her and now he didn’t want to see her hurt. Oh, his head was spinning from all this. Why did relationships have to be so confusing?

  Kaajal had tears rolling down her cheeks. She had presumed he would tell his wife he was leaving her and that he’d be with her. She hadn’t told him about the incident with Gaurav. But after that she knew she didn’t want to be alone. Not for now. Maybe later, when she was stronger.

  ‘Do you love me, Kaushik?’ Kaajal asked to which Kaushik took her hand, made her sit in the chair that was adjoining the bed and kneeled in front of her.

  ‘I love you with all my heart, Kaajal. I’m just fucked up.’

  Kaajal slapped him hard across the face. Kaushik was stunned. He sat back on his haunches as he held his face with his hand. He was getting the wrath of two women. He supposed he deserved it. But what Kaajal said next truly shocked him.

  ‘Then why can’t you stand up to your wife and be with me?’ she asked with defiance, her tears drying up as thoughts formed hard and fast in her head. ‘Tell her that you need a divorce. Tell her you love me.’

  ‘I can’t, Kaajal. Why can’t you understand? She’ll take the children away from me.’ Kaushik was wondering if they would ever use the hotel bed that lay pristine clean. He was paying seven thousand rupees a night for this hotel room and if Kaajal didn’t want to say a final goodbye to him then that money would go to waste.

  ‘Do you want a life with me, Kaushik?’

  Kaushik got up and sat on the bed, the red mark from her slap burning into his cheek. ‘Yes I do. But…’

  ‘There is no but!’ she interrupted him. ‘I will handle this then.’ She got up and grabbed her purse.

  ‘Where are you going, Kaajal?’ Kaushik asked, hoping she would just come and have sex with him so he could feel happy with life.

  ‘I’ll be back. Wait here.’ She stormed off. Kaajal was determined to see this relationship through. She couldn’t give up on it. She had spent two years with this man. Just because he was scared to confront his wife didn’t mean she couldn’t. She needed to cancel out all possibilities. She wasn’t a woman who had any regrets. It was because she took all steps possible to make her dreams happen. She had fought hard right from birth to not be a burden on her family. She had fought hard to get this job, and to find the man of her dreams. She had to fight one last battle to know if all of this was going to collapse or if it was meant to be.

  Kaajal flagged down an auto outside the hotel and gave the driver the address to Kaushik’s house. She wanted to see Naina. She had to know if Naina still loved Kaushik or not. And she needed to fight for her man.

  39

  As the auto took Kaajal to Kaushik’s house, she pondered why Indian society remained highly judgemental against women. If a woman desired sex she was a wanton tramp. If she had an affair with a married man, society would blame only her, not the man. If she was sexual, aggressive, spoke her mind, wore short skirts, showed her cleavage or argued with men, she was called ‘loose’. And if she ever went to ask for her man’s love instead of the other way around, she would be slapped in the face. Unfair!

  But Kaajal was prepared for the worst. She knew where Kaushik lived. She had gone to his place when Naina wasn’t there. She didn’t want to but Kaushik had insisted, saying that staying in hotels was becoming too expensive and the lust between them had only increased with the years. He had said there would never be a problem. The maids all went to sleep in the servant quarters and Naina was out for the entire night with the kids at her mother’s place. It was the perfect time for them to relax at home. Kaajal remembered marveling at Naina’s sense of keeping house.

  The large drawing room with big colourful sofas and oil paintings on the wall. The cozy bedrooms for the children and the elegant master bedroom for her and Kaushik. Kaajal never wanted to make love in Kaushik’s marital bed. So she stayed out of the bedroom. Instead they used the guest bedroom and the living room. She was playful. Kaushik loved that about her. She often wondered if he would be happy just staying with her, a woman who couldn’t decorate, cook, or become a housewife.

  Kaajal shook her head and gathered her courage as she rang Naina’s doorbell. A maid came to the door and showed Kaajal inside the house, presuming that she was Memsahib’s friend.

  Naina came into the drawing room and froze. She had been playing with her children in their room when the maid had called her, ‘Keera memsahib aayi hain.’

  Naina knew exactly who she was. How dare she enter this house! She needed to confront her nemesis and give her a piece of her mind. She walked out, ready to scream at Kaajal. She found Kaajal standing in front of a painting instead of sitting down and waiting for her. Naina felt emboldened. She should be sorry for what she did. Stealing her husband. The cheek of the woman.

  As soon as Kaajal heard Naina enter, she turned. The speech she had prepared disappeared. Her confidence dissipated. And she felt as if she should not have come. What a stupid act, Kaajal thought. Who ever did such a stupid thing? She had known Kaushik was married. Why did she think he would leave his wife for her? No one ever did. That was an urban myth. So why was she here?

 
‘That’s a beautiful painting,’ Kaajal heard herself saying.

  Naina nodded, forgetting her plan to trash her husband’s mistress. ‘It was the first thing I bought in India when we returned. We lived in a much smaller house. We only had a gadda and that painting.’

  Kaajal sat down on the sofa and felt even more miserable. Kaushik and Naina had shared so many memories together. She only had memories of lust with Kaushik. She looked up at Naina and said what she felt from the heart, ‘I’m sorry.’

  Naina sighed. ‘You know, I’ve always heard of stories of men straying. I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought that it would be the man’s fault when an affair happened. Women and us housewives always blame the men. But it’s not true. The man is a stupid creature. It is always the woman who seduces a man. A man looks at every pretty thing that passes by. It is only the woman who responds to any of a man’s gestures and then the affair begins. Wouldn’t you say so?’

  Kaajal looked at Naina. ‘In those moments it’s only lust that happens. Sparks of lust can initate an affair and when the sparks die the lust dies as well. That’s why you need to know if there is any love involved.’

  Naina sat opposite Kaajal. ‘Would you like some tea or coffee?’

  Kaajal shook her head. ‘Just water, please.’

  Naina went to get her a glass of water. Kaajal almost had a feeling that she would pour it over her head but instead Naina graciously served it to her and sat back down on the sofa.

  ‘Kaushik and I love each other,’ Naina told Kaajal in a cold voice, even though a part of her had doubts. ‘We are husband and wife. We’ve taken vows and made a commitment to our families as well. You will just be a blip on the scene. I suggest you apologize to me and leave. And never come back or try to bed my husband again.’

  Kaajal hung her head. She would have done exactly what Naina asked except an inner voice told her that she was a fighter. She needed to speak her heart before she left. ‘I’ll do that, Naina. But I want to say something. May I?’