Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  Naina nodded. She was willing to hear her out. Maybe she could use it later against Kaushik. Maybe it would make her affair with Arjun palpable to her mind.

  ‘The thing is, Kaushik did love you. You were everything to him. And he does love the girls.’ Kaajal swallowed a deep sob before continuing, ‘But he loves me now. You can ask him. He truly wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to be married. He is unhappy, Naina. And staying married to you is making him unhappy.’

  ‘How dare you,’ Naina hissed, trying to keep her voice low. She was getting uncomfortable with the cold truth that Kaajal was speaking.

  ‘Please let me finish. And then you can kick me out and I’ll never bother the two of you again. Kaushik is motivated and driven when I’m with him. He’s a great lawyer. He’s meant to do great things and we help each other in our career. We’re good for each other. But…because he is married to you he will stay with you. He will stay with you forever because he’s committed to you. He’s told me he can’t be with me, Naina. Because he can’t leave you. Even though he loves me.’

  Naina was shocked. She hoped her two children wouldn’t come out of the room to see this woman. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would be consoling her husband’s lover. She gave her another glass of water and Kaajal dried her tears as she spoke further.

  ‘Sometimes we fall out of love with people. Does it mean we must stick to them forever?’

  ‘That’s what marriage is!’

  ‘Is it only about being committed and unhappy?’

  ‘No, it’s about working through the unhappiness and letting time solve the problems.’

  ‘What if you can’t wait for time to solve the problems and you want to take destiny into your own hands?’

  ‘Then you need to find an alternative.’

  Kaajal summoned up all her courage for her next few words. ‘Here’s the alternative, Naina. Let Kaushik go. Let him come to me. Let him be free. Let him meet his children whenever he wants. You can take as much money as you want from him. Just don’t bind him to yourself, this house and this marriage because you fear society.’

  Naina felt sad and angry at the same time. ‘I do not fear society.’

  Kaajal asked Naina the same question she had asked Kaushik, ‘Do you love him? Like really madly, passionately, can’t live without him, love?’

  Naina thought about it for a moment while Kaajal continued. ‘If you don’t, why do you want him to be unhappy in a place that he’s not getting that. Why do you not want his happiness? He will love and respect you more if you let him follow his path than make him follow a choice he took so many years ago. People change. Destinies change. We have more choices. Aren’t we allowed to seize them? Aren’t we as human beings allowed to feel happy and complete at any age?’

  Naina had always loved Kaushik. She had never envisioned a life without him. She had two beautiful daughters who looked like their father. What would she tell her parents, her friends, the help, even? She couldn’t let Kaushik go so easily from her heart. She needed time to think. She needed to figure out what to do.

  Naina said one thing to Kaajal, ‘If you’ve finished what you needed to say, you can leave.’

  Kaajal picked up her bag and got up. She looked at the painting again and said, ‘I can never take away the memories you have with Kaushik. You’ll always be the most important person in his life. You’re the mother of his children. All I can be is a source of happiness for him. It truly is a lovely painting.’

  Kaajal walked out of the main door as Naina watched her go. She knew Kaajal was right. But her heart was breaking into a million pieces. She took a pillow and cried into it, her stomach in knots from the conversation she had just had. She felt anger and sadness all at once. Naina got up from the sofa and walked towards the painting. She removed it from the hooks behind it. And with a fanatical, intense strength she threw it on the ground and smashed it beyond recognition.

  3 YEARS LATER

  40

  ‘Yeh kya hai?’ Simran asked, as she looked around the table. The group was sitting at a new place in Hauz Khas Village.

  Naina brought over a plate of naan before she sat next to her friend, ‘Yeh butter chicken hai, Simran. Specially tere liye banaya hai chef ne.’

  Simran held Naina’s cheek and squeezed it. ‘Now I will only come to your restaurant. There’s no need to go anywhere else any Monday!’ She took a piece of naan, dug into the butter chicken, closed her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God. Meri toh death hi ho gayi. Yeh iti achchi bani hai. Tu toh sachi main Masterchef hai.’

  Naina laughed as the other girls dug into their plates. Naina asked them, ‘Ishita, is your pasta okay? Gauri, is your grilled chicken nice?’

  They couldn’t speak as they had already stuffed their faces with food. Naina looked around and smiled. It had taken some time but she had pulled it off. Her very own restaurant. Heaven in a Bowl, a new concept of getting a bowl of your own favourite dish. An upper class Haldirams and an Olive combined. And she couldn’t have done it without the help of the man in her life.

  She looked around to see where he was. He was donning a chef’s hat and bringing out her dish. Her favourite, a mushroom risotto.

  ‘Here you go, Madam.’

  Naina tested him, ‘Without cream?’

  ‘Yes, Madam.’

  ‘With basil, thyme and a hint of rosemary?’

  ‘Yes, Madam.’

  ‘With wild mushrooms, not packaged ones?’

  ‘Yes, Madam.’ She took a bite out of it and it simply melted in her mouth. The risotto was divine. She looked up and said, ‘I’ve trained you well, Chef Arjun.’

  Arjun smiled and leaned down to kiss her on her lips, ‘Always at your service, my lady.’

  She giggled as the other girls looked at the couple and said in unison, ‘Oooooohhh.’

  She was so thankful to have Arjun in her life. It had happened suddenly. Things had changed the very night Kaajal had come to see her all those years ago.

  She had tested Kaushik at night when he had come home from the office tired but on time. She had asked him, ‘Do you love me?’

  He had replied, ‘Sure.’

  And then she knew. He didn’t really love her. She had been forcing him to stay with her for so long. He had already moved on from this marriage but felt stuck.

  ‘If I had an affair would that be alright? I mean, I guess we could call it even then and go on with life,’ Naina said with her hands on her hips.

  Kaushik looked at her and said in a resigned tone, ‘I have no authority to speak. It’s really your life.’

  ‘A marriage is one life of two souls. It’s giving each other space enough to come back to each other, not breaking away forever. But you’ve already made up your mind. Your answer should have been no because you would be horrified and if I did, you would never touch me again.’

  ‘You know monogamy is really overrated,’ Kaushik said.

  Naina had laughed, ‘Why is that?’

  ‘Mammals weren’t meant to be monogamous. They were meant to be free. It’s humans who have created this idea of commitment and marriage and being faithful to one person. It’s ridiculous.’

  Naina had decided what to do then. She knew her marriage was over. She felt relieved. She smiled and told him, ‘You know why two people choose to get into a marriage or make a commitment? It’s because they know that they have two choices in the world. One, that they can sleep with as many people as they like all their life and never find happiness. Or that they have found someone that they love and they don’t need to find another partner to sleep with. Because honestly, Kaushik, sex is sex. But love varies. If you don’t have love, you won’t have anything. But you can always buy sex.’

  Naina had taken her children and walked out of the house the next day. She had explained to them that their parents were getting a divorce. She had met a lawyer and got child support and alimony from Kaushik. She could prove he was having an affair and that meant she had a pretty comfort
able life. She put away all the money for her children and decided to start cooking classes and doing ads again. She plunged herself into work and her parents supported her. Kaushik’s parents pleaded with her to stay with their son but she had only one thing to say to them, ‘He has found someone else to make him happy. And I want to give him the freedom to be happy.’ They stopped pleading after that.

  She also started meeting Arjun often. They had a wonderful time together. She didn’t ever mix up the families. She didn’t meet his ex-wife or his daughter and she didn’t let him meet her family. She didn’t want to make it messy. Not until he proposed the idea to start a restaurant together. And so they did.

  Heaven in a Bowl was a quaint place in Hauz Khas that catered individual dishes to customers. It served both Indian and Italian food in small individual bowls. So a Simran could have her butter chicken while someone else could have a pasta. There were a variety of dishes on the menu. Portions were for one person. It was an amazing idea that Naina had thought of and Arjun agreed to finance it immediately. She was now booked out for an entire month. Most women loved to come to her restaurant since it had lovely outdoor seating with plants and lanterns around and an indoor air-conditioned area with soft black and white decor. On one wall she had her children paint, colour and draw what they felt like. After all, this was as much their place as it was hers and Arjun’s.

  That’s when her parents and children met him and his daughter. The girls got along so well that Naina felt it was ridiculous for her to have been apprehensive. Arjun asked her father for her hand in marriage. It had been an emotional moment. All the girls had been present, waiting with bated breath as he had slipped a three carat diamond ring on her finger. She had gasped and cried. Was love possible twice in one’s life?

  Arjun sat her children down and said, ‘I never want to take your Dad’s place. I just want to be your friend.’ He had given both of them a tiny diamond ring as well. ‘This is your kaleechadi. It means I promise to love you and be there for you always.’

  They were just happy with their rings. Shonali, who was the elder child, had given him a hug and replied, ‘I’m glad you will be my friend. As long as you make Mama happy, we’re happy too.’ But even though Naina had said yes to him, she had fended off the date of the marriage for some time. She liked the idea of being in a relationship without rushing off to legalize it. She had no time anyway, with the restaurant in full swing and managing her children’s lives, which she was now able to do perfectly since Arjun had quit his job and was helping her manage the restaurant full-time.

  ‘Dessert mein kya hai?’ Simran asked, as she polished off the last bite of her butter chicken with naan.

  Naina smiled as she got up to bring out an entire dessert cart. ‘Yeh sab hai! Maine sirf tumhare liye banaya hai!’

  The girls squealed, ‘We love you, Naina.’

  Naina was happy that Arjun and her new venture had taken off so well. He had supported her through her tough days when Kaushik had moved out and they had filed for divorce. He had encouraged her to get back to work. She was also thankful that she could tell her friends about her divorce and the new man in her life. Surprisingly, they did not judge her or speak ill of her decision. They simply supported her and when the restaurant opened, they were the first customers who came regularly and always paid, no matter how often Naina told them it was on the house. And they told all their other friends and every mom in their school now had kitty parties in Heaven in a Bowl.

  Arjun had not only been great at managing the entire restaurant, but he had learned how to cook as well. So when they were short of waiters, chefs or a host, Arjun managed it all.

  He told Naina, ‘Remember I told you I wanted to just do one thing with my life? Well, I finally found what that was. I’m home.’

  He spread his arms as Naina hugged him close. ‘Do you want a quickie in the store room?’ he whispered in her ear.

  She looked around and saw her friends were busy chatting amongst themselves and wouldn’t miss her. ‘Yes, let’s,’ she said as she started unbuttoning his shirt.

  She pulled him towards the store room, letting her hands slip to his ass, giving it a small squeeze. ‘Move it already!’

  Naina smiled. She knew how she could be wild again. All she needed was someone who would let her be everything she wanted to be, without judgement, without expectation, with tremendous love.

  41

  ‘Can you please fix this?’ Kaajal stood in her shorts and shirt as she balanced a shower rod in the bathroom.

  Kaushik entered and helped her. ‘Why do you always leave these things for the weekend? The weekend is a time when we can just relax with each other.’

  Kaajal slapped him across his face. ‘Relaxing is for the weak. Now do as I say.’

  Kaushik smiled. ‘Yes, baby.’

  Kaajal slapped him again, ‘Yes, Mistress.’ She enticed him with her eyes. She dragged him to the bed and pushed him on it.

  ‘Handcuffs or tie?’

  ‘Tie.’

  Kaushik smiled as she tied him up. Their sex was still explosive and violent. Just the way he liked it.

  When they were finally done and had taken a shower, they both got dressed in their business suits. Kaajal said, ‘I’ll have to apply make up to hide these bruises.’

  ‘You bruise easily.’

  ‘You play rough!’

  ‘Let’s stay at home and play another game then. Weekends are also meant to avoid clients,’ Kaushik said drawing her close to him. ‘You’re the only woman I know who has guts, Kaajal. What did you do to have me in your life? I must be really special!’

  Kaajal shoved him away playfully before responding, ‘Thank God I’m not married to you. You know I can find anyone else if you’re mean to me right?’

  Kaushik laughed, ‘Thank God. I think marriage is for losers.’ He took her in her arms as she protested, ‘My suit will get crushed.’

  He held her tightly and said, ‘You’re sure about this living together thing?’

  Kaajal nodded, ‘I’ve always been sure. Why do you keep asking me?’

  ‘Because all women at some point want to get married and have children. They want security. Commitment. Monogamy.’ Kaushik remembered his last conversation with Naina and how she had walked out on him. He had been so relieved.

  Later, he had told his lawyer that he wanted access to the kids as often as possible and he would pay Naina a monthly sum till she got married and child support even after that. Naina had agreed and for most weekends he took his children to the park or to the movies but never brought them home to Kaajal as Naina had forbidden that. Kaushik knew about her restaurant and Arjun. They had had a massive fight about that and for a very long time couldn’t see eye to eye. Then she just came around and one fine day they met for drinks and just forgave each other. Communication is always the easiest way out of misunderstandings and it takes time and space to make that communication possible.

  Some days he wondered if life was meant to be different. What if they had never come back to India, would they have survived their marriage in the UK? Maybe not. People change the way they’re meant to with time. It’s who they are. It doesn’t matter where they are. If he had never met Kaajal, he would probably have met someone else. He was never meant to be tied down. And yet here he was tied down to Kaajal in every sense of the word except with a license.

  Kaajal looked at Kaushik as he got ready. She had never imagined she would have the guts to do what she had done. When she left Naina’s home she came back to Kaushik in the hotel room and told him that he needed to go home. They said their final goodbyes with tears in their eyes. He left knowing she had tried and she knew he was too good a man to ask for a divorce.

  She spent the night in the hotel by herself, not knowing the calamity that was occurring at her own home. The next morning when she had gone back her mother told her what she had done. Kaajal was shocked at Gaurav’s behaviour. But Gaurav had already left for Jaipur. Kavita had spoken to Va
nsh about moving to Mumbai. And that’s when Kaajal told Kavita and her mother about how Gaurav had assaulted her. Kavita had been furious. She called Gaurav up and told him that his things would be shipped to Jaipur and the deal was off. Her mother would keep the house. And if he ever tried to tell anyone about her, she would tell Vansh what he had done to Kaajal.

  Gaurav kept quiet and all he asked was that he could spend summer holidays with Vansh. Kavita agreed. She was ready to move to a new city and start her life over. And she was glad that Vansh would spend time with his father as well. Kaajal had said she would move with them. There was nothing left for her in Delhi. Until Kaushik had called.

  ‘She’s left me. I’m free,’ Kaushik said and lit up Kaajal’s world. ‘Will you be my permanent girlfriend?’

  Kaajal had tears in her eyes when she said, ‘That’s all I ever wanted.’

  She told her mother and sister that she would stay in Delhi. She told them she had been dating a colleague and she needed to be in Delhi. She didn’t tell them he was married and would soon be separated and divorced. One explanation at a time, she thought.

  Kavita had pulled Vansh out of school after the year ended and packed up her things and left. Their mother had stayed in the big house with Kaajal until Kulwinder herself told her to go stay with the man she truly loved.

  So Kaajal and Kaushik had been living together for almost three years. Several times Kaajal had been asked by her mother, Kavita and Kaushik, ‘Don’t you want to get married?’

  And Kaajal had thought about it and replied, ‘Not at all. I’m happy where I am. And with who I am. I don’t need marriage to validate my happiness or my stature.’

  ‘But won’t you face legal issues with money and rent, in case you want to buy a house, etc?’ Kavita had asked.

  Kaajal had responded, ‘I’m a lawyer. And a damn good one. I’ll work it out!’