The Second Love of My Life

by Victoria Walters

  He pulls my hands away from my face. ‘I’ll consider it a compliment that you’ve worked up an appetite.’ He leans over me to look at his phone on the bedside table. ‘It is well past lunchtime so I’ll let you off.’

  I smile and shake my head. ‘Way to ruin a romantic moment.’

  ‘Nothing’s ruined. Let me jump in the shower then we can go and get some food. There’s no room service here, unfortunately.’ He gives me a quick kiss and gets out of bed. He walks into the bathroom naked and I watch him go, a blush appearing on my cheeks when I remember how he touched me and how good it felt to be touched again.

  I climb out of bed and start to gather up my clothes. They haven’t dried in the heap I left them in, so I hunt for a shirt I can borrow from Robert. I open up the wardrobe and pull out a crisp white shirt, one that’s similar to what we both wore for our picnic on the beach. His musky aftershave lingers on the clothes and I drink his scent in as I hear the shower running in the bathroom. I put on the shirt and turn around to look at my reflection in the full-length mirror. I pull my tousled hair into a bun and smile at my flushed cheeks. I look different. My figure is starting to get back to its usual gentle curves and the circles under my eyes have gone after a series of good nights’ sleep. My lips are full and red from Robert’s kisses.

  A slight frown creases my face. Is it okay that this has happened? I think I’ll always wish that Lucas was my first and only. However, Robert took care of me and that was what I needed today. I didn’t get forever with Lucas but I did get my first time, and that will always be special. I can’t stop the pang of guilt inside my chest that another man held me, but I also can’t stop the feelings I have for Robert.

  I was forever changed losing Lucas. Everything is different now, including me. I can’t alter that. I don’t think it will ever be easy to know what is right now. I can’t know if this was right or not. It felt right in the moment. I think back to Robert telling me that it’s okay to be confused. I’m so relieved that he understands how complicated my feelings are about us.

  I step away from the mirror to look for my phone. I need to text Emma; she will help me make sense of all this. I bend down to look on the floor but I can’t find my bag. I stand up and look around and see it on the desk. The chair under it is piled with paperwork, with Robert’s briefcase perched on top. As I reach over it to grab my bag, I knock it on the floor. It’s unzipped so everything spills out.

  ‘Crap,’ I say, going over to pick it all up, hoping I haven’t made a mess of his work. I shuffle all the papers together and pick up a folder. It’s open and I see a newspaper article sticking out of it. I glance at the bathroom door, which is still closed. I pull out the cutting and see it’s the article about my art sale. I smile. It’s cute that he’s kept it with him. The reason that brought him to Talting. And to me. I start to slide it back into the folder but then I pause, realising that the folder is full of cuttings. Intrigued as to what else he keeps in here, I start to flick through and then I understand what I’m looking at.

  I pull one out and Lucas’s face looks back at me. The gorgeous face that I loved for ten years. The article is about the car accident. The folder is full of newspaper cuttings about the crash and the trial afterwards. They are all about Lucas. I stare down at one heading: ‘Not Guilty – case thrown out after police failings’. I gasp and let the paper drop on to the floor.

  I feel sick. What does this mean?

  The bathroom door opens then and Robert steps out. ‘What are you doing?’ he asks, looking surprised when he sees me kneeling on the floor surrounded by papers. Then his face drops. ‘Is that . . .’ He rushes forward but I hold up a hand to stop him. ‘Rose, I can explain—’

  I look up at him, confused, talking over him. ‘I don’t understand – why do you have all these cuttings?’

  Robert looks terrified. He slowly sinks to the floor on his knees in front of me. ‘Rose . . .’

  ‘You have everything that was written about Lucas. Why?’ I pick up the pen in front of me, needing something in my hands. Then I look down at the inscription: ‘Green Associates’. ‘Green?’ I say, my heart beginning to pound inside my chest. I raise my eyes slowly to look at him. His eyes are full of pain. ‘This is your law firm? Robert?’ He nods once. ‘Your surname is Green? Robert Green. But not the same Green as . . .’ I trail off, unable to finish my sentence. It feels like I’ve been pulled into a nightmare.

  He nods again. ‘Jeremy Green is my brother,’ he says slowly.

  I drop the pen on to the floor. Jeremy Green. The drunk driver who ploughed his car into Lucas that night. Who was responsible for killing my husband. The Jeremy Green who was found not guilty and who walked free from court – no punishment, no justice for taking away the life of the man I loved. I shake my head, unable to take this in. My head spins. ‘You’re his brother?’ I repeat, hoping desperately he’ll tell me I misheard him. I will him to tell me it’s not true, but somehow I know my hope is in vain. It’s written all over his face. The silence drags on and all I can hear is my throbbing pulse.

  Then, finally, Robert bows his head. ‘Yes, I am. I’m so sorry, Rose.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  ‘Will you let me explain?’ Robert asks, raising his head, his eyes catching mine.

  My knees are aching. I shift position, bringing them up to my chest, hugging them tightly, my knuckles turning white. I look down at the pen I dropped, unable to hold Robert’s gaze now that I know his eyes are full of lies. I don’t understand. And I need to know it all because this makes no sense. I nod once to let him know he should speak. Right now, I can’t.

  ‘I think you’ve guessed that I don’t have the best relationship with my family. I know I haven’t said too much about it but I could see that you knew I wanted to get away from them this summer. Well, mostly my father.’ He pauses, sucking in a breath. I feel him glance at me but look away again quickly. He’s still on his knees in front of me.

  ‘My father is a very tough man to please. All our life he has ruled the family with an iron fist, full of expectations for us all that are pretty impossible to meet. I handled this by doing everything he wanted me to. I became a lawyer and joined his company and basically tried to be the perfect son. My brother, however, handled it very differently. He hated the control my father exerted over us. He got thrown out of a succession of private schools and failed at everything my father tried to push him into. Eventually my father realised Jeremy would never join the family business as I did and threw money at the problem; he was shipped off abroad, to New York, to a university that was paid to take him, and my mother and I barely saw him for years.

  ‘When he finished college out there, my father brought him back here, hoping he would settle into a career of some sort. It turned out that Jeremy had developed a thirst for gambling out there and basically ran off to London at every opportunity to gamble and drink. They had a huge fight one night when my father found out how much Jeremy owed a casino. He told him he was cut off, that he wouldn’t bail him out anymore and he was on his own. He thought it was the only way to get him to change. But my brother stormed out and drove straight to the nearest bar. I only found out about their argument when I came home from the office later that night and Jeremy wouldn’t answer my calls. I had no idea where he was, otherwise I would have gone to get him.’

  My hands fall in front of my face. I shake my head. ‘Stop. Please stop,’ I whisper desperately. I don’t want any of this to be true. I need this not to be true. I look up then at Robert and see a tear falling down his cheek.

  ‘I have to tell you,’ he whispers back, his eyes pleading with me to listen.

  I bury my head in my knees.

  ‘We soon got a phone call, about eight o’clock. I remember feeling nervous as I went to answer it. My father was furious and I knew if Jeremy had stormed out in a similar mood, he could end up doing something reckless. I
wasn’t prepared though for what they told us. It was the police. I thought that was it, Jeremy had died, but no, he was alive but he had been in a crash. That’s all we knew then. We went straight to the police station. He was fine, just a few cuts and bruises. I remember the feeling of relief when I saw him and he was okay. He was my brother and I loved him despite everything. I knew how hard our upbringing was, even though I couldn’t condone how he handled it. And I felt guilty that I hadn’t tried hard enough with him. I had put so much effort into pleasing our father that I had lost sight of my own brother. I hugged him. I hugged him.’ He repeats the words like he still can’t believe he did that.

  It feels like I can’t take a breath. I fight for air. The tears are falling fast on to my knees and I can’t stop them. Like Robert’s words, they keep pouring out and I have no control over them. I want this nightmare to be over.

  ‘Then when I pulled back, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He couldn’t tell me, he avoided my eyes and shrank away, but the police told us. He wasn’t hurt but he had killed someone driving on the other side of the road when he lost control of his car. He had left the bar to go to a party and he had killed someone. He had killed Lucas.’

  I let out a gasp and I can’t stand it. I jump up and start to pace around the room, everything blurry from my tears, my shoulders shaking with each tortured breath. ‘Your brother,’ I cry out, shaking my head. I am stunned. I am devastated. I am furious. I stop pacing and whirl around to face him. ‘How could you have kept this from me?’ I demand. ‘Get up,’ I snap, filled with bitter anger that he’s still there kneeling as if begging for forgiveness. As if that’s even an option.

  Robert stands up slowly. He looks smaller somehow across the room, crying silent tears, ashamed as he looks back at me. ‘There’s more, Rose. My father went into lawyer mode instantly, taking control of the situation as usual. I just walked out. I couldn’t bear to look at either of them. I wish I could turn the clock back – I should have stayed in there with them, then maybe I could have prevented what happened next. Maybe I could have persuaded them both to do the right thing.’

  ‘But no one recognised you,’ I say, confused how he could have been here all this time without anyone connecting him to Jeremy.

  ‘I refused to go to court.’

  It all comes flashing back like an avalanche. I didn’t want to go to court. I couldn’t. I was such a wreck. I hadn’t slept or eaten; I could barely get out of bed. In the end, John went with Graham. Gloria didn’t want to be there either. When it was the day of the verdict, she came to Emma’s and the three of us sat there in silence with tea going cold in mugs in front of us, waiting for John to phone us. And that phone call. Emma answering her phone and her face crumbling in disbelief as she told us the case had been thrown out. ‘He pleaded not guilty,’ I choke the words out, still unable to believe that day.

  Robert nods. ‘Yes, he pleaded not guilty. The police officer on duty didn’t administer the breathalyser correctly so the judge agreed that evidence was inadmissible. There was no proof he was over the limit. No witnesses. My father found an expert who agreed that with the tight corner, Jeremy could have lost control of the car without being drunk, that it was dark and a strange road and there had been accidents at the spot before. The judge threw the case against him out, saying there was no evidence for drunk or dangerous driving, that it was just a terrible accident.’

  ‘We couldn’t believe it. The police were so sure it was drunk driving, we weren’t prepared for Lucas not getting any justice,’ I tell him. ‘His parents lost their only child and the man who did it just walked away. And you knew he was guilty. And you didn’t do anything.’

  ‘My father told me he was going to plead not guilty. I spoke to Jeremy and tried to tell him to do the right thing. Admit he was over the limit and accept the consequences. I told him he would regret this, it would always hang over him, but my father scared him too much. He was so convincing. He told him this was his second chance, that he’d get him help for his addictions, that he’d be part of the family again if he went along with him. He told him his life would be over if he pleaded guilty. He was twenty-one and terrified. I’m not excusing Jeremy, or myself, but my father is a very hard man to go up against, he’s impossible to beat.’ Robert wipes a tear from his cheek. ‘I should have done more. I have gone over it so many times but I didn’t do more. I washed my hands of the both of them. I told them to keep my name out of everything. I stayed away from the trial. I buried my head in work and pretended it was nothing to do with me. I hate myself for that. I should have made Jeremy do the right thing.’

  I feel myself waver slightly. It was Jeremy driving, not Robert, yet I can see he carries as much guilt himself. Then I push any empathetic thoughts aside. This man lied to me about who he was. He kept all of this from me. I have to ask the question that’s been spinning around in my head since he told me who his brother was. ‘Why did you come here?’

  ‘I’d set up Google Alerts for anything to do with the accident so when the newspaper article about you appeared online, I got an email. I read your story, and I knew I had to come here. I was filled with shame that I hadn’t given enough thought to Lucas’s family and friends and what you all went through, especially not getting the justice you deserved. I felt sick that I had just carried on with my life without knowing how all of you had coped. Jeremy had gone to rehab and was making progress, but then he cut off all contact with us and we had to make do with updates from his therapist. When he was let out, he disappeared. I felt like I had completely failed my brother and I saw an opportunity to try to help you here, when I couldn’t help him.’

  I sink down on to the edge of the bed, exhausted by all his revelations. ‘You thought buying my art would make up for what your brother did?’

  ‘Not make up, of course not, but I thought if I came here and tried to help you then it might . . . make things easier, I don’t know. I didn’t really think it through. I just read about the sale happening, and I knew I had to come to the Fair. I wanted to do something, anything, and this seemed like the only way I could, I suppose.’

  ‘But you didn’t just buy my paintings, did you?’ I look at the bed with its crumpled sheets and a wave of dizziness makes me jump up again, the room spinning around me. I stumble forwards to take hold of the chair to steady myself. Robert steps forward but the look I give him makes him step back again. ‘Why did you stay?’

  ‘At first I told myself it was because I could see how unhappy you were and how you wanted to paint but couldn’t, and I told myself I could help you. And I liked it here. My family seemed so far away and I could just be myself here. And with you. God, I didn’t even realise it was happening. I was lost in my feelings before I even recognised them. I knew I should go, should stop this, but I couldn’t. Rose, you changed me. I wanted to tell you the truth, I tried to tell you after the Fair but I just couldn’t. There was suddenly this storm and I wondered if it was a sign . . . When I went home with your paintings, I wasn’t going to come back. I wanted to ignore how beautiful and lovely you were, and the pull I felt towards you and this place. I knew I shouldn’t come back. I was too scared to tell you who I was and, if I came back, if I stayed, I would be pretending to be someone else.’ He sighs heavily. ‘But I wanted to see you again. I wanted to be with you. I thought maybe if you got to know me, you might understand when I told you, so I came back . . .’ He trails off.

  ‘Everything we had was built on a lie. I don’t know who you really are. You’ve lied to me for weeks. You saw how broken I was after Lucas and yet you still pursued me. You kissed me. You told me you liked me. You made me feel things that I haven’t felt . . . God, you had sex with me, all the time lying to me about who you really were. Because what, you thought it would help me? To ease your guilt?’

  He shakes his head. ‘No, it started like that, but once I began to fall for you, it changed. I wanted to be with yo
u. I thought I could make you happy. I don’t know – I started to not want to tell you because I knew then it would be over. I didn’t plan it, I swear.’

  ‘I just can’t believe this. I felt a glimmer of hope that I could start to move on, that I could be happy again, and now . . . this.’ I start to grab my things from the floor. ‘I need to get out of here.’ I pull on my jeans and shoes and grab my bag. I don’t want to be in the same room as him anymore.

  ‘Don’t go, Rose. Please. I know I should have told you. I hate to see you hurting like this, tell me what I can do.’ He walks over to me and reaches for my hand.

  I snatch it away before he can touch me. I don’t want to feel his touch now.

  ‘How I feel about you is real,’ he says pleadingly.

  I back away from him towards the door. ‘If what you felt was real, you would have told me sooner. You were the first man I’ve slept with other than Lucas, and you knew that. You knew what a big deal this was for me but you didn’t care. You’re not who I thought you were.’

  He flinches as if I’ve struck him. ‘I’m so sorry. Please . . .’

  I wave my hand to cut him off. I don’t want to hear any more excuses or lies from him now. ‘It’s best if you leave Talting. I don’t want to have to see you here, and nor will anyone else when I tell them who you really are. It’s best for everyone if you just go.’

  ‘But . . .’

  I open the door and glance back at him briefly. ‘Goodbye, Robert,’ I say, walking out and slamming the door on him and us all at once, regretting ever having opened it in the first place.

  Chapter Twenty

  I walk through the Inn as fast as I can without running. Keeping my head down to hide my tear-stained face, I cross the lobby aiming for the doors ahead when I hear my name called. I know that it’s Mick but I can’t bear for him to ask me what’s wrong. I dive for the doors and rush outside before he can catch up with me. For once I’m grateful that it’s still raining to prevent any chance of him trying to follow me. The rain immediately soaks through Robert’s white shirt. I want to tear it off my burning skin but I can’t. His words echo through my mind as I walk aimlessly for a minute, stumbling as I go. I fight to hold back the tears. And then I stumble again, my ankle twisting as I step off the kerb.