The Second Love of My Life

by Victoria Walters

  I stop in the middle of the road, unable to stop the tears now. I can’t believe how I went from a moment of happiness to one of pain as quickly as I did. I feel so betrayed, so let down. I trusted him. I was falling for him. It felt like I had something special again at my fingertips and it’s been snatched away. Why is the universe doing this to me again? The unfairness of it all stabs my heart like a knife. I just don’t understand.

  It’s becoming hard to see through my tears mixed with rain pelting down on me. I need to get inside but I don’t know where to go. I need to tell someone. I need to make sense of this. Even though it can never make sense.

  I turn around and head for Emma and John’s house. The place I always seem to run to. When Emma opens the door, her face is aghast. ‘Rose, you’re soaked,’ she cries. ‘Are you crying? Come in, Jesus, it’s pouring.’ She grabs my hand and pulls me inside. I catch sight of my reflection in her hall mirror – I look like a drowned rat. It would be comical at any other time. ‘Rose, what’s happened?’ she asks me more gently.

  I shiver. ‘I have to get this shirt off – it’s his. His shirt,’ I tell her urgently.

  ‘Okay, okay. Come upstairs.’ She steers me up the stairs. ‘Whose shirt is it? Robert’s?’

  I nod, walking into her bedroom. ‘I don’t want it on me.’

  ‘Sit down.’ She gestures for me to sit on their bed and I sink on to it, my legs shaking. She goes to her wardrobe and pulls out a big fluffy jumper. ‘Here, you’re freezing and you better get out of those jeans too.’ As I get changed, she calls down to John to make tea. She takes the wet clothes from me as I pull on the ones she’s found for me. ‘Why were you out in the rain?’

  ‘I had to get out of there. He’s not who I thought he was. You won’t believe it.’ I pull the jumper over my head and look at my best friend, who’s watching me carefully. ‘I slept with him.’

  I see her try to control her expression. ‘Is that why you’re upset?’ she asks me gently, but she smiles as if it’s good news.

  I sink back down on her bed. I shiver again. It feels as though the cold is part of me, right down to my bones. ‘No, I was happy, Em. He made me happy.’

  She comes over to sit beside me. ‘That’s okay, Rose. You can be happy.’

  I shake my head. ‘No, you don’t understand. He lied to me. I can’t be happy. Not with him.’

  ‘Why not?’

  My head drops. I can’t look at her when I say this. I can’t bear to see the shock on her face mirroring mine when he told me. I don’t want to see her anger when mine is pulsing through my veins. I don’t want to cry again. ‘He lied to us. He didn’t come here because he liked my art, he came because he felt guilty and he thought he could ease his conscience by buying my paintings. None of what he said was true. He knew everything about me before he came here.’

  ‘What do you mean, he knew you?’

  I rub my thumb over my hand to try to numb some of my pain. ‘His brother, Em. He did it. He was the driver that night.’

  ‘His brother?’

  I draw my eyes up to look at her. ‘Robert’s surname is Green. His brother is Jeremy Green. The man who killed Lucas.’ My voice is shaking and it breaks when I say Lucas’s name. I hope he’s not looking down on me right now.

  She gasps. ‘No,’ she breathes.

  ‘I let him touch me. He kissed me. We . . . God, Emma, I liked him and all along he was hiding who he really was.’

  ‘But why? Why did he come here? Why didn’t he tell us who he was?’

  ‘Us?’ I snap. ‘I’m the one he lied to. He didn’t just buy my paintings, he slept with me! All because he felt guilty about what his brother did. He admitted it, you know, that Jeremy was drunk that night and that his father twisted the truth so the case would be thrown out. Lucas didn’t get justice because of a technicality. Jeremy could have pleaded guilty, he knew he was over the limit, but no, he was a coward. No punishment for killing my husband.’ I choke on the last words, letting out a sob, and burying my head in my hands.

  She puts an arm around me and pulls me to her. ‘But why didn’t we know about Robert? I didn’t even know Jeremy had a brother.’

  ‘He said he hated what they did and wanted no part of it, so he told them to keep his name out of everything. He stayed away from court. His father is so powerful he probably twisted the news reporting too. No one mentioned Robert. And they don’t look alike.’ I remember staring at Jeremy’s photograph in the newspaper. He looked so young. Robert looks so different. There was no way any of us could have made a connection between them. I wonder if he even used a different name to book into the Inn just in case. That wouldn’t surprise me. Right now, nothing would. I’ve had enough shocks to last a whole lifetime. I can’t take any more.

  ‘So, he thought buying your art would help make amends or something?’

  ‘Apparently. He wanted to help me, he said, but then he fell for me, and decided to stay and keep on lying to me.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. I thought he was so genuine. I thought you two had something, you know?’

  I sniff and wipe away my tears. ‘Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I let things happen too quickly. Maybe it was too soon after . . .’ I look at my best friend. ‘Am I being punished?’

  ‘No,’ she says firmly, taking my hand in hers. ‘Don’t even think that. You’ve done nothing wrong. He should have been honest with you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have even looked in his direction,’ I say quietly.

  We are silent for a moment then Emma sighs. ‘I’m so sorry, Rose. I thought he was . . . I thought he was going to make you happy. I thought what you had was real.’

  ‘None of it was real.’

  ‘I don’t know. I think the way he feels about you is real,’ she says tentatively. ‘I can’t believe he would lie about that.’

  ‘He’s lied about everything else.’

  John knocks softly on the door. ‘Do you two want that tea?’ he asks, holding two mugs. He looks at me. It’s obvious I’ve been crying. ‘You told her?’ he asks Emma.

  ‘Told me what?’ I ask as Emma frantically shakes her head. ‘Told me what?’ I repeat, turning to her.

  ‘It doesn’t matter now.’

  John steps back, seemingly realising there’s more to our conversation than he first thought. ‘I’ll let you—’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘Tell me what’s going on.’

  Emma looks at me, her face full of empathy. ‘I just did a test, before you got here. I’m pregnant.’

  Everything stills. I see the way Emma looks at me, as if I might shatter into a hundred pieces. The worst part is – I’m worried that she’s right. She didn’t want to tell me after I burst into her house to cry on her shoulder again. This should be a happy moment for her, for John, for them both. I remember the painting I started of them on the beach and the light shining out of her. I know now where that radiance came from. It’s bursting out of her. This is what she’s always wanted. And I can’t be happy for her. I feel terrible for thinking it, but I can’t. I stand up. ‘I need to go, I’m sorry. You two should be celebrating and I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t. I just can’t.’ I push past John, who tries to grab my arm, but I shake him off. I hear Emma call my name and plead with me to come back but I’ll just bring them both down. This is their moment and all I can think about is what’s happened to me.

  I break out of their house. The rain has slowed to a drizzle on the late afternoon breeze and I suck in the outside air, feeling lost and alone. The sky is as grey as my heart. I let down my best friend. I was betrayed by the man I was falling for. I miss my husband so much it hurts. I don’t know what to do. I look around me, at the place I’ve lived in all my life, and I feel like I’m drowning in memories and pain. I need to get out of here. I need to be far away. I need to be able to breathe again. An
d I can’t do that here, not right now.

  As I walk back to my cottage, I can make out some lights ahead.

  I frown and try to lean forward to see what it could be, but I can’t make out what the light is until I get closer to my house and I stop. Hanging on the tree in front of my house are fairy lights, switched on and shining down on me. I stare at them, confused as to how they got there.

  Then I remember Robert commenting how dark my road seemed at night and I wonder if he did this. He could have done it while I was at the beach this morning. I can see how brightly they will shine at night and I’m confused by this man. Why did he do this? It’s like he cares about me. Like he does want me to be happy.

  So why did he lie to me?

  I wish these lights he left me could guide more than just the way home.

  Then I look away. I can’t bear to look at them any longer. I don’t want to be reminded of him right now. I want to forget him and how he’s made me feel. But it seems like an impossible task.

  My phone beeps with a message. I pull it out of my bag nervously. Is it from Emma and John? Or could it be Robert? Taking a deep breath, I look and see it’s from Amanda. My heart sinks. I’m not sure whether it’s from relief or disappointment.

  I got an A on my art project at school! Thank you for your advice! Xx

  I feel a glimmer of pride in her and in myself.

  I step up to my door and see my art supplies from the beach propped up under the porch. The start of my painting of Emma and John. Robert must have left it all here for me. I ran out of the Inn so quickly I forgot it all. I wonder if he’s done what I asked and left it on his way out of Talting. I don’t want to be around to find out, though.

  A flash of inspiration strikes and I know how I can get away from all the pain here. I know exactly where I want to be right now.

  I open the door and call out for Taylor, who lifts his head from his position curled up on the sofa. I go over and sit down next to him, clutching my phone and gathering my nerve to make the call. I scroll through to find Heather’s name and hope that I’m not too late.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Two days later, I’m on a train and heading to the art retreat in Scotland. The Cornish countryside blurs past my window and I lean back in the seat, relieved to be on my way.

  Heather was surprised to get my call, having figured I had decided it wasn’t for me, but agreed to talk to Daniel Smith and her persuasion worked; he agreed I could join them. I went round to see Amanda and Mrs Morris and asked them to look after Taylor for the four weeks I’ll be away. It was quite a wrench saying goodbye to him, actually, but I know they’ll spoil him rotten.

  I stopped by the pub to talk to Joe, who told me not to worry about the bar and that he’d keep an eye on the cottage for me. He asked if I was planning to say goodbye to Emma – she had been pretty upset during her last shift and told him she’d left me messages, which I hadn’t returned. I feel full of guilt at the fact that I am unable to be happy for her and John right now. It’s just all too much to deal with. In the end, I just texted Emma to say I was going on the retreat. She still hasn’t replied and I can’t say I blame her. All she’d wanted was to tell her best friend her happy news, and I let her down.

  There was one more thing I had to do before I made my flit from Talting. Robert had told Mick who he really was before he left the Inn – I knew that it would quickly be all over town and that Gloria and Graham should hear it from me. They deserved that at the very least.

  It was so much easier when the drunk driver who crashed into Lucas was this abstract evil figure I could pour my hate on to. I didn’t know anything about him and now I know everything. And I hate that. Now I know exactly who he is and where he came from. I know his brother. I know why he wasn’t found guilty. I know why he’s out there walking and living when Lucas isn’t.

  Graham opened the door to let me in, watching me as he led me into the living room where Gloria sat. I wondered what my face looked like to them. I couldn’t sit down with them, I felt too restless, too pent up with all the emotions that I am still struggling to work my way through. I paced back and forth in front of them as I told them what Robert had told me. I could barely contain my tears as I watched them take in what I was saying. They held hands at one point and it almost broke me.

  ‘I knew there was more going on than you wanted to tell us,’ Gloria said, crying quietly.

  ‘I’m sorry, I should have told you. But I didn’t want to hurt our relationship. You both mean so much to me.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how it must have felt when he told you who he was,’ Graham said.

  ‘How it felt?’ Gloria turned to her husband. ‘He wouldn’t have been here at all if it wasn’t for . . .’ She looked at me and I felt so ashamed. She blamed me for him being in Talting. And she was right to.

  ‘Gloria, this wasn’t Rose’s fault. She was just trying to move on. You know how hard this has been for her too.’

  Gloria let out a sob. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t . . .’ She jumped up from the sofa and hurried out of the room. I heard her go upstairs and close a door behind her.

  I looked at Graham, tears in my eyes. ‘What do I do?’

  ‘Nothing. You will go on your art retreat and we’ll be fine. This isn’t something for you to fix. You didn’t know who he was any more than we did. It’s taken us a long time to move past what happened, even with our faith. You never expect you’re going to have to decide whether to forgive someone who took something so precious from you, when you’ve believed in forgiveness all your life. And it’s something that we have to keep working on, keep trying. It’s not a one-time thing.’ He got up and came over to touch my shoulder. ‘We’ll be okay. Gloria will be, I promise. She knows, as I do, that Lucas would want you to be happy again. We all know that. We knew him. Just remember that.’

  ‘But he wouldn’t want me to be happy with Robert.’

  ‘He would trust your judgement, he always did. And so do we.’

  I left their house, my heart heavy. I still don’t know if Gloria will be able to move past this. I don’t want to lose her, or Graham, from my life. They are my family. And I know Lucas would have been gutted to see us fall apart without him like this. I’m hoping that my going away will give us all some much needed breathing space and we can work it all out when I get back to Talting.

  My phone vibrates, signalling a new email. When I go to my inbox, my heart almost stops when Robert’s name appears. He’s sent me an email from his work address. I let out a shaky breath. I stare at my phone, deliberating as to what to do. Read it? Or just delete it?

  The pull to know what he has to say is too strong to resist.

  Dear Rose,

  I am back in my flat in Plymouth and it has never felt less like my home. I didn’t even spend two months in Talting but the place got under my skin. And into my heart. Mostly because of you.

  I know that you will find it hard to believe how much I care about you now. But I swear that I never wanted to hurt you. I came to Talting with only good intentions and I never expected to feel the way I do about you. I know that doesn’t justify me not being honest with you all about who I was. But maybe one day you can understand why I found it so hard to tell you when I knew it would be the end of everything between us. I wish more than anything that we met as strangers. I wish for so many things.

  Mostly I suppose I wish that it wasn’t the end for us. That one day I could be in your life again. I know we had something special. And maybe I have no right to be emailing you or hoping that there is some place in the future for you and me. But I’d always regret it if I didn’t reach out to you.

  I love you, Rose. It’s something I didn’t plan and I know it’s something you don’t want to hear right now. But you need to know how special you are to me.

  I don’t want to say goodbye to you bu
t I’ll respect your wishes if you ask me to. I wish for you the life you want. I wish you all the love in the world. And I wish one day I can hold you in my arms again.

  Yours always,

  Rob

  I put my phone down and wipe away the tear that has fallen down my cheek. I lean my head against the window and turn away so no one can see I’m crying. He loves me. There was a time when I didn’t think I would ever have love in my life again. And here it is being offered to me by someone who will forever be linked to the person that cost me the love of my life. Why did it have to be him? Why did he have to come into my life and cause such chaos?

  I miss the one person I shouldn’t miss. My heart is full of those three words ‘I love you’ and I hate myself for it. Everything is a complicated mess. All I know after reading his email is that I can’t bear to reply and tell him that I want this to be goodbye for good. That would be a lie.

  But I don’t understand why I can’t say goodbye to him now that I know who he is, and that he’s been lying to me all this time.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sunlight streams through the window, waking me up. I open my eyes, disoriented, and it takes a moment to realise that I’ve arrived at the retreat, and this is my bed for the next few weeks.

  After taking the train to London, I flew to Edinburgh and then got on to another train to take me beyond the city, into a regional park. At the local station, I was met by a teenage boy in a four-by-four, waiting to drive me to the sheep farm where the retreat is being held.