Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Vic Before we have a drink …

  Douglas No, me and water, I’m afraid, I –

  Trudy (in sudden alarm) Timmy! (Trudy rushes off to the far end of the swimming pool.) Cindy, hold on to him!

  Vic moves towards the pool after Trudy.

  Jill (seeing what’s happening) Oh, my God.

  Vic Have you got him?

  Trudy (off) You naughty boy. Don’t ever do that again. (calling) Yes, he’s all right. My God, he nearly went in. (to Timmy) Now, I told you before …

  Jill, Kenny and Douglas have risen to watch.

  Kenny That was a close thing.

  Jill He’s all right, though.

  Douglas Could have been nasty –

  Sharon appears from the house. She has changed into her swimsuit. She stops to watch the commotion.

  Sharon What’s happening?

  Jill Timmy nearly fell in. Weren’t you supposed to be keeping an eye on them?

  Sharon I just went to change – (calling) Is he all right?

  Vic turns from the pool and looks at Sharon.

  Vic (beckoning Sharon) Hey, come here.

  Sharon What?

  Vic Here. Come here.

  Sharon crosses obediently over to him. Vic speaks to her quietly, but not so quietly that the others cannot hear him.

  Where the bloody hell have you been, eh?

  Sharon Pardon, Mr Parks …

  Vic (very close to her) My kid was practically drowned, and where were you? Eh?

  Sharon (frightened) I was changing, Mr Parks …

  Vic Changing? I see. You were changing while my child was nearly drowning. That’s your idea of looking after them, is it? Is it?

  Sharon (with a reflex smile due to pure nervousness) No.

  Vic I hope you’re not laughing about this, girl, because I’m not. Are you laughing? It’s a joke to you, is it? Is it a joke?

  Sharon can’t reply. She shakes her head.

  Do you hear what I’m saying to you? I’m asking you, do you think it’s a joke? Do you?

  Jill Vic …

  Vic I’m waiting to hear from you. Do you think it’s a joke?

  Sharon No, Mr Parks.

  Vic Good. I’m delighted to hear that. Because if you had done, you’d have been on the next plane straight out of here, all right? Straight back to Macclesfield, all right?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic And in the meantime, did you not come equipped with a uniform? Eh?

  Sharon Sorry?

  Vic I said, did you not have a uniform when you arrived here?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic Then, in future, when you are on duty will you kindly wear it, as you’re supposed to do.

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic Is that understood?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic Then get upstairs and get changed. You look disgusting dressed like that, anyway.

  Sharon rushes off, starting to cry as she goes. Vic glares after her.

  Bloody girl. Do you know how much we’re paying for her?

  Jill It’s all right, Vic, the kids are fine. Look, they’re playing again. They soon forget.

  Vic All right then. Time for a swim. (calling to the other end of the pool) Look out, you two. Here comes a crocodile …

  Vic goes off to the end of the pool, throwing aside his shirt as he goes. In a second, we hear the diving board vibrate and then a splash as he dives in.

  Jill Well, I suppose I’d better go and find my film crew. Wake them up.

  Douglas Well. I’m ready when you are, Jill.

  Jill (drily) Thank you, Mr Beechey. That’s most reassuring.

  She goes out through the garden gate. Throughout the next, Vic will occasionally appear at this end of the pool. He is evidently swimming length after length. Douglas and Kenny watch him idly. Vic turns and swims away.

  Kenny (at length) You know, there’s only one thing about that story of Vic’s – I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it, naturally – but I’ve always wondered, why on earth did you do such a bean-brained thing like that? I mean, running straight at a man who’s armed with a loaded shotgun? What on earth made you do it?

  Douglas Do you know, I’ve often asked myself that and I haven’t the faintest idea.

  Kenny Do you make a habit of that sort of thing? Sudden reckless gestures? I mean, do you mountaineer, jump out of aeroplanes? Things like that?

  Douglas No. Certainly not.

  Kenny Extraordinary. I don’t know about making you a hero. You were lucky not to have been locked up as a lunatic.

  Vic appears momentarily at this end of the pool. He turns and swims back out of view.

  Douglas Well, funnily enough, that’s exactly what the police said to me at the time. They called it a very foolhardy, reckless gesture.

  Kenny They still made a hero of you.

  Douglas I don’t think the police did that. That was the press. They said I’d captured the general public’s imagination.

  Kenny No problem. That’s about as easy to capture as a dead chicken in a meat safe. Gallant bank clerk risks life to save fiancée?

  Douglas So the story went. Actually, Nerys wasn’t even my fiancée. Not at the time.

  Kenny No? I always understood she was.

  Douglas No, she was actually engaged to someone else when it happened, but – after the – accident – he – her fiancé – broke it off. And this reporter said it would be an altogether better story if he could say that Nerys and I were engaged. And I said it would probably be all right. And he said, well, when she’d regained consciousness, if subsequently we both went off the idea and decided to split up again, that would make another good story.

  Vic appears briefly again.

  Kenny Ah. (He considers this.) I see. Well, I think I’ll have a dip. Expose the alabaster limbs. Just go and root out some trunks. You’re not swimming?

  Douglas No. If it’s all the same.

  Kenny It’s all the same to me, chum.

  Kenny saunters into the house. As he does so, he passes Marta, who comes out of the house and starts, unsmilingly, to clear the coffee things.

  Douglas Very nice cup of coffee. Thank you. Gracias.

  Marta ignores him. Douglas wanders around and explores the place a little. The children’s shouts are heard, happy again. The distant splash of water. A plane flies over, Douglas shields his eyes and watches it pass. Vic appears once more.

  Vic (as he turns, spluttering) ’S great. You want to try it.

  He swims away. Trudy returns from the far end of the pool.

  Trudy (calling to the children) You stay that end. Stay up that end, do you hear? Keep an eye on them, won’t you, Vic?

  Vic’s spluttered reply is heard.

  (to Douglas) Sure you don’t want a swim?

  Douglas No, I –

  Trudy It’s lovely and warm …

  Douglas No, I – always look a little foolish in the water.

  Trudy Oh, I’m sure you look fine … You should see me. These days. I’m no bathing beauty …

  Douglas (gallantly) Oh, come now …

  Trudy Nobody’ll see you. Not here.

  Douglas It’s very peaceful. Quite a contrast. When I left first thing this morning it was pouring with rain.

  Trudy Ah …

  Douglas Forty-three degrees.

  Trudy Yes?

  Douglas Fahrenheit.

  Trudy Yes.

  Douglas I can never work out the other one, I’m afraid.

  Trudy No?

  Douglas That’s a terrible admission for someone working in double glazing.

  He laughs. Trudy smiles. Vic appears briefly in the pool again. They watch him.

  He’s a good swimmer, Vic.

  Trudy Yes, he’s very good. Mind you, he can do most things. Once he sets his mind to them. I’ve always said if Vic can’t do something, then it’s probably only because he doesn’t want to do it in the first place.

  She pauses as Sharon co
mes out of the house. She is now dressed in her nursemaid’s uniform – a little incongruously considering the temperature.

  Why on earth are you dressed up like that, Sharon? It’s sweltering.

  Sharon (sulkily) Mr Parks said I had to.

  Trudy Really? Oh, well. If Mr Parks told you to …

  Sharon (aloof) Excuse me, please.

  She marches off towards the pool. Trudy stares at her sourly.

  Douglas He certainly tore her off a strip just now, your husband.

  Trudy Did he?

  Douglas I wouldn’t have cared to have been on the receiving end of that.

  Trudy Don’t worry. It always looks worse than it is.

  Douglas Does he do that a lot, then?

  Trudy Oh, yes. Quite a lot. It’s not quite as it appears.

  Vic appears again briefly.

  Vic often shouts at women.

  Douglas (laughing uncertainly) I hope not at you.

  Trudy He’s like a lot of men I’ve met. They don’t quite know what to do with a woman when they’ve got her, so they shout at her.

  Douglas I don’t think I’ve ever shouted at Nerys …

  Trudy No, well, you’re probably different. Perhaps you’re one of those men who do know what to do with a woman once you’ve got her …

  Douglas (laughing self-consciously) I don’t – quite know what to say to that. (He laughs again.) I hope I do. (He laughs.) I’ve got a pretty fair idea, yes. (Pause. Suddenly feeling the heat) It’s going to be a scorcher, isn’t it? A real scorcher.

  Trudy Would you like to take your jacket off?

  Douglas Er …

  Trudy And your – pullover. You must be very hot.

  Douglas Well, I think, with your permission – the jacket, thank you …

  He removes his jacket. Trudy takes it from him and hangs it on a chair. As this is happening, Vic appears again briefly.

  Thank you.

  Trudy I’m sorry, I really am.

  Douglas Sorry?

  Trudy I mean, it must be obvious that I didn’t want you to come here – I didn’t want to meet you and I didn’t want Vic to meet you again. I still don’t know why he agreed to it. I suppose Jill must have … If you’d brought your wife with you – I don’t know what I’d have done. Probably run away, I think.

  Douglas There would have been no need for that, I’m sure.

  Trudy I think you’re amazing, I really do. When you think of what happened to her – and to you – and then you willingly come here and see us with – all this – Amazing. (She laughs. Pause.) Of course, being only human, it keeps occurring to me that maybe you want something from us. And maybe you haven’t yet said what it is.

  Douglas Is that how I appear to be?

  Trudy No, you don’t. Not at all. But one can’t help wondering, none the less. Being only human. (Pause.) I don’t know if there is anything we can do. I can do. Anything we can give you. Or offer you. But if there is … I mean it. Anything. Take it. Please. Take it.

  She looks at Douglas. He looks at her.

  Douglas (gently) No. Really. There’s nothing you have that I could possibly take. Thank you all the same.

  Trudy nods and goes into the house. Douglas looks about him once more. Then sits on a sun lounger. Cindy, the child, runs on from the pool. She is in her swimming costume and her wet feet leave a trail across the patio. She has a very soggy bunch of wild grasses and weeds. A child’s bouquet. She stands in front of Douglas and holds them out to him.

  Are these for me?

  Cindy nods.

  (taking the offering from her) Thank you very much. How lovely …

  Cindy rushes away to the pool again.

  (as she disappears) Thank you.

  Douglas stands holding the bouquet. He looks around him. Then at the bouquet. The sound of splashing and Vic now playing with the happy children at the other end of the pool. Douglas continues to stand looking around. There is an expression on his face that could just be the start of a growing envy. Jill, quite suddenly and purposefully, walks out from the house, into the centre of the patio.

  Jill (shouting to the invisible film crew) And cut.

  The voices from the pool and the splashing stop abruptly.

  Thank you. Thank you, Douglas.

  Douglas Was that all right?

  Jill Perfect. Thank you. (to the crew) Keep that set up, we’ve just got time to do their first meeting before lunch.

  Shouts from the crew.

  Yes, we can. We’ve got nearly fifteen minutes. Douglas, I want to do yours and Vic’s meeting first, all right?

  Douglas (putting down his bouquet) Right-oh, yes.

  Jill is arranging three of the upright chairs into a loose semicircular ‘interview’ set-up. Douglas puts on his jacket again. A distant call from the crew.

  Jill (in response) Why not?

  Distant technical explanation.

  Well, too bloody bad … Dan, I’m replugging now. This will be a mute sequence. It’s just so I can talk to you. All right?

  As she fiddles to reconnect her radio mic, Vic enters from the house. He has now changed and is spruced up for TV – a casual, manly image: blazer, lightweight tropical trousers, sunglasses and just the right number of shirt buttons undone.

  Vic What’s going on?

  Jill I just want to do the first meeting with Mr Beechey, Vic – if you don’t mind … The one we didn’t get earlier.

  Vic Nearly lunchtime, isn’t it?

  Jill No, we’ve got (consulting her watch) – twelve and a half minutes – I literally just want the two of you meeting, OK? Very simple. All in long. No sound. If I can get the establishing shot now, then we’ll start the interviews after lunch. Douglas, my love …

  Douglas Hallo.

  Jill OK. Listen, I want you simply to come in through that gate – like this – (she demonstrates) OK?

  Douglas (watching her intently) Yes. I came in the other way, originally. When I arrived. Does that matter?

  Jill Not in the least.

  Vic This is television. It’s all fiction, son. All fiction. (He winks at Douglas.)

  Jill (slightly coolly) Not all of it. But in this case it doesn’t matter. (demonstrating) Now, I want you to walk to the middle of the patio – like this – stop – look around you – never seen anywhere like it in your life – gasp, gasp – and then we’ll see Vic coming out from the house to greet you. OK?

  Douglas Yes, yes …

  Vic You want me from the house?

  Jill Please.

  Vic As soon as he stops?

  Jill Yes. I can talk you through it. It’ll be with voice-over this, eventually. I just want you both to meet, apparently start talking for a second or two, and then I’ll come out and join you – and we’ll sit – here – (She indicates the three chairs, then into her mic.) Are you getting all this, Dan? I hope you are, and can you relay it to George? Douglas, can you sit this side – here? (She indicates one of the side chairs.)

  Douglas There. Right.

  Jill And Vic, you’ll sit here. OK?

  Vic OK.

  Jill Then I can be between you. All right, shall we have a quick run first? Can you both take your places. Douglas, just outside the gate.

  Douglas hurries back to wait outside the gate, ever co-operative. Vic strolls back into the house in a rather more leisurely manner.

  (into her mic) Dan, will you tell George we’ll do it once so he can look at it. OK?

  She looks in the crew’s direction. A shout from them.

  OK, this is just a rehearsal and – action. Thank you, Douglas. (She steps back into the house doorway.) Douglas … Come on, please …

  Douglas sticks his head round the gate.

  Douglas All right?

  Jill Yes, come on. Come on. Keep walking in …

  Douglas walks in through the gate. He has a lot of trouble walking to order. His arms and legs are rather uncoordinated.

  Come on in further, Douglas. And try not to look at the camera if
you can help it …

  Douglas (trying not to move his lips) Sorry.

  Jill Relax, try and relax. Douglas. Act normally …

  Douglas Yes, I’m trying to act normally …

  Jill Now, look around you … you haven’t seen this place before, have you?

  Douglas No.

  Jill Look around then. Take it all in.

  Douglas (looking round, still speaking like an unsuccessful ventriloquist) Yes, I’m taking it in, yes …

  Jill Well, look a bit amazed – look a little awed by it all –

  Douglas tries to look awed.

  More. More. Isn’t it an amazing place, Douglas? You’ve never seen anything like it in your life …

  Douglas tries to look more awed.

  Talk if you want to. You can talk if you feel like it …

  Douglas (looking around) Sorry. There doesn’t seem to be anyone here to talk to –

  Jill (muttering, despairingly) Oh, Jesus … Thank you, and cue Vic …

  Vic strides out from the house, hand extended.

  Vic (to Douglas, genially) Hallo …

  Douglas (equally genial, shaking Vic’s hand) Oh, hallo, there.

  Vic Hallo.

  Douglas Hallo.

  Pause.

  Vic (laughing) That’s about all I have to say to you.

  Jill Keep talking, please. Just a bit more.

  Vic You must be the man come to deliver the coal?

  Douglas Pardon? (getting the joke) Oh, yes. Right. I’ve got it in the van out there.

  Vic Oh, good. You sold your handcart, I take it?

  Douglas Yes, oh, yes. I sold my handcart. Got fifty pesetas for it.

  He laughs at his own inventiveness. Jill emerges from the doorway to join them both.

  Jill Yes, OK, something like that. And then I’ll say, hallo, sorry to interrupt – this might be quite a strange feeling for you both, meeting after – what is it – seventeen years?