Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Douglas Yes, seventeen.

  Vic Is it seventeen? Good gracious me.

  Jill And then I’ll say something else and then I’ll suggest we all sit down, shall we? (She indicates the three chairs.)

  Vic What a charming idea!

  Douglas Why not? Take the weight off the feet after my long journey. Phew!

  Vic Good flight was it? Anyone fall out?

  Douglas Wonderful flight. British Airways. You can’t beat them. Not for flying.

  Vic has sat down in his designated seat. Douglas, carried away by the improvised conversation, has seated himself in the middle chair.

  Jill (irritated by all this badinage) No, Douglas. Douglas …

  Vic I think you’re meant to be in that one, Mr Coalman.

  Jill This one, please … That’s mine.

  Douglas Oh, I am sorry. I beg your pardon. Carried away. I really enjoy filming, you know. I didn’t think I would. I think I could even enjoy it as a career.

  Douglas sits in his correct seat, as he speaks, Jill sits in hers.

  Jill OK. Then as soon as we’re settled here, I’ll cut. And we’ll pick it up after lunch for close-ups in these same positions, OK?

  Douglas Yes, yes … That sounds a good plan.

  Jill All right, Dan? That work all right for George?

  A distant shout.

  What?

  The shout is repeated.

  Yes, I know, I told him that, (to Douglas) They’re saying, can you try not to notice the camera?

  Douglas Yes, I’m sorry, I’m sorry …

  Vic Try and defocus your eyes, that’s the tip – otherwise it’s very difficult not to look at it – The camera’s like a magnet, you know what I mean …?

  Douglas Yes, yes, thank you …

  Vic Defocus … That’s what I do. That’s the way to do it.

  Douglas Thank you very much, I’ll try that.

  Jill (who has been looking off towards the camera crew) OK. Here we go for real this time. Places again, please. We’re very short of time.

  Vic goes back into the house. Douglas starts for the gate but is called back by Jill.

  Douglas –

  Douglas Yes, Jill.

  Jill Just – when you meet Vic this time … I don’t think you want to be – what shall I say – quite so overjoyed to see him …

  Douglas Oh, no, no, that was just …

  Jill I mean, here’s a man you haven’t seen for seventeen years and the last time you saw him he was firing a shotgun into the face of the woman you loved – so …

  Douglas Yes, I see …

  Jill I mean, it just looks odd – if you greet him like a long-lost brother. I think – you know – just a little wariness and a sense that perhaps you haven’t quite forgiven and forgotten – I mean, I know maybe you have – but it would certainly look more natural – to the average viewer … Do you follow?

  Douglas Yes. Yes. No, it was only …

  A yell from the crew.

  Jill (in response to this) Yes, OK, OK. We have to get on. We’ve got five minutes. Can you try and give me all that?

  Douglas Yes, I’ll try. I’ll try.

  Jill Bless you. Thank you, Douglas … Thank you very, very deeply.

  Douglas goes off through the gate.

  All right, everyone, (into her mic) Tell George to yell as soon as he’s rolling … (A pause.) Stand by, everyone. One take. That’s all we’ve got.

  Slight pause. A distant shout.

  OK. And – action! (as she retreats right into the house this time) Thank you, Douglas.

  A slight pause. Douglas enters through the gate. His eyes are defocused, so he is tending to peer around a little myopically, his eyes screwed up.

  (muttering) What the hell’s he doing, he looks like Mr Magoo … (calling) That’s lovely, Douglas. Keep going. Try and look up a little. Look around the place as you come in … Oh, no!

  Ruy has entered by the pool with a hosepipe in his hand. He stops by the edge and watches the proceedings. An ironic cheer from the crew, who are evidently well away.

  All right. Keep rolling. Keep rolling. Keep going, Douglas. (hissing to Ruy) Back! Back! Piss off!

  Ruy appears not to notice her.

  (into her mic) Dan! Dan! Can you hear me? Don’t let that man wander into shot. Someone get that sodding gardener out of shot. (calling) Super, Douglas. Perfect. Now, stop there and look around you. Just don’t look at the gardener, he’s not really there.

  Someone, unseen, flicks the other end of Ruy’s hosepipe to try to attract his attention. Ruy fails to notice, so engrossed is he in watching Douglas, who is staring about him myopically.

  Come on, Douglas, give us a bit of surprise. (hissing angrily into her mic again) Will somebody get rid of that bloody gardener …

  Douglas tries to look surprised. Ruy’s hosepipe twitches again, rather more violently. He gives it a passing glance but continues to hold on to it, watching intently.

  Come on, Douglas, real amazement now – (furiously into mic) Get that half-wit out of shot! All the amazement you can muster now, Douglas.

  Douglas is staring about him open-mouthed. As he looks at Ruy, who is standing looking at Douglas, equally fascinated, someone gives the hosepipe a really fierce tug. Ruy is pulled off his feet, overbalances and with a cry falls backwards into the pool. Douglas looks genuinely alarmed.

  Douglas What happened?

  Jill All right! Ignore that. He’ll be OK. Carry on. We’re desperately short of time. Cue Vic. Thank you, Vic.

  Vic comes out of the house, genially, as before.

  Vic Hallo …

  Jill Remember, suspicious of him, Douglas – suspicious.

  Douglas (suspiciously) Hallo, who are you?

  Ruy (bobbing up in the swimming pool) Help!

  Douglas turns to see if Ruy is all right.

  Jill Douglas, keep looking at Vic. Remember who he is.

  Douglas Yes, sorry.

  Vic Did you have a good flight?

  Douglas (suspiciously) What do you mean by that exactly?

  Ruy (coming up again) Help! Mr Vic!

  Douglas (turning again) Is he all right?

  Vic (genially, still) No, I think he’s drowning …

  Jill Keep chatting, I need more chat. Don’t worry about the gardener, he’s not in shot. Keep chatting together. Vic, point out the garden to Douglas …

  Vic (obeying her) Well, now. This is the patio …

  Douglas Oh, yes …

  Vic You may have noticed it as you walked over it. And that’s our swimming pool over there …

  Douglas Lovely …

  Jill Super, that’s super, chaps …

  Ruy (coming up again) Help!

  Vic And that’s our gardener over there, coming up for the third time …

  Jill Keep talking, Douglas. Come on. Time is against us.

  Douglas (worried) Can he swim, do you think?

  Vic I shouldn’t imagine so. Not in those boots.

  Douglas Good Lord …

  Ruy Help! Please! Mr Vic!

  Jill moves out to join them as before.

  Jill Hallo there, gentlemen, sorry to interrupt –

  Ruy Help!

  Jill Vic, Douglas, this must be quite a strange feeling for both of you meeting after – what is it – seventeen years?

  Vic Certainly is.

  Douglas I think we ought to do something.

  Ruy (spluttering) Aaarrgghh!

  Douglas I really think he’s drowning, you know …

  Jill Douglas, how does it feel meeting after all this time?

  Douglas (distracted by Ruy) What? Oh, very nice, thank you very much. (He smiles.)

  Jill (fiercely) Don’t smile. (pleasantly again) Well, perhaps we should all sit down, should we?

  Vic Good idea.

  Douglas Why not?

  Ruy Aaarrgghh!

  They all go to sit. Douglas, distracted, again threatens to sit in the wrong chair.

  Jill This chair, Douglas,
this one, please.

  Douglas Sorry.

  Jill And chat, chat, chat, chat, chat …

  Vic Chat, chat, chat …

  Jill (getting up again) And that’s it. Super. Thank you both.

  Ruy (spitting out water) Ooooorrrggghh!

  Jill moves towards where the crew are and talks into her mic.

  Jill Dan, can you ask George if he managed to keep off that idiot? Did he manage to keep the gardener out of shot …? Ask him.

  Vic moves to Ruy and starts to pull him, exhausted, from the water.

  Vic Come on, you’ll be all right. Come on, old lad.

  Douglas stands watching, amazed.

  You get off home and have your dinner. You’ll feel better then … You mustn’t interrupt the filming, you know.

  Ruy (weakly) No. Thank you, Mr Vic, thank you. Sorry. Sorry.

  Vic There you go …

  Ruy (staggering off along the poolside) Sorry, Mr Vic …

  Vic OK. Don’t worry about it, old son.

  Ruy exits gasping and panting. A shout from the crew.

  Jill What? He did? Oh, terrific. (to Vic and Douglas) That’s fine. George apparently managed to pan off the gardener and still keep the full patio in frame, so we’re OK. That’s great. Lunchtime, is it?

  Vic One minute past one.

  Jill Pretty good going.

  Vic Want a drink first?

  Jill looks doubtful.

  Come on, just a little one.

  Jill Well, a little one perhaps …

  Vic (to Douglas) Doug?

  Douglas Mmm?

  Vic Coming in for lunch?

  Douglas (still a little dazed) Oh, yes. Thank you. Yes.

  They all move towards the house. Douglas stops to pick up his bouquet on the way.

  Jill (as they go) God, you know, I had this dreadful fear that that man was going to be in shot through the entire sequence. I mean, the thought of having to set the whole thing up again after lunch …

  Vic steps aside to let Jill, then Douglas enter. Shouts are heard from the crew.

  Vic (returning to make out what they’re saying) What’s that?

  More shouts. Douglas and Jill come out again.

  Jill What are they saying?

  Vic Apparently you didn’t say cut. They just want to know if you’d finished the shot.

  Jill Well, obviously I’ve finished. Idiots, (shouting) Of course I’ve finished. (loudly) Cut!

  A sudden blackout.

  Act Two

  Later that same afternoon. At the start, as before, there is just a light on Jill who sits on the patio doing a piece to camera. The film crew, as always, are out of sight.

  Jill It became increasingly clear that the quiet, law-abiding, undemanding Douglas Beechey we had met and spoken to in Purley a few days before was a very different creature from the man who had arrived here at the Parks’ villa earlier that day. Here was a person who, at last, seemed to have discovered a long-lost purpose. As each of his senses, in turn, took in the unfamiliar – the sweet perfume of luxury, the rich, clean vista of good living, the comfortable, self-confident murmur of opulence – his manner grew ever more watchful – increasingly thoughtful. Were these merely the signs of a man finally coming to terms with his lot? A man at last accepting that most unacceptable of truths – that life is unjust? Or was there a darker, more dangerous emotion starting to emerge from this hitherto undemonstrative man. Was this an anger, an envy, even a dim forgotten desire for revenge …? (She pauses, dramatically.)

  As Jill has spoken the lights have slowly widened, as before.

  Cut. (She rises and talks to the crew.) That OK?

  A shouted reply.

  Yes, thank you very much. I meant technically OK, Dan – I can do without the editorial, thank you. Can we set up in the study now, please? We’ll just do Vic’s interview, then that’s it for today, all right? (waving them round) Go through the front. Through the front door, it’ll be easier. I’ll see you there.

  Jill gathers up her folder from the table. She flicks through it to find her questions for Vic. Kenny wanders out with a drink in his hand.

  Kenny (watching her) Are you thinking of doing your interview with Vic fairly soon?

  Jill Yes. They’re just setting it up …

  Kenny You’d better get a move on. The rate he’s pouring it down himself, he won’t be able to string two words together …

  Jill God, I asked him to go easy –

  Kenny Oh, yes? I’ll tell him you’re nearly ready. In the study?

  Jill I’ll be right there. He is forty-seven, isn’t he?

  Kenny Forty-seven, yes. Forty-eight next May.

  Jill (scribbling this on to her notes) Does he mind it being mentioned?

  Kenny He never has done.

  Jill If I get Vic done now, then tomorrow morning I can spend with Mr Beechey and that leaves me the rest of the day clear – till our flight, to do general shots of the island … Should be all right. Always providing I can get Mr Beechey to say anything remotely interesting …

  Kenny He tries his best, I think.

  Jill It was a complete waste of time just now with the three of us. It was all Vic talking. Beechey never said a word –

  Kenny Well, Vic’s an expert, isn’t he? I mean, he’s done hundreds of these things. How many’s Douglas done?

  Jill I gave him his chance. Douglas, what do you think? Douglas, what do you say to that? You heard me. Nothing. Not a usable syllable, (excitedly) I tell you, Kenny, somehow or other – if I’m going to make any sort of programme – I have got to find a way to prise that man open. Get to the heart of him. I know, you see, I know that under all that suburban – blandness – that dreary flock-wallpaper personality of his – there is a real person there. There is pain – there is disappointment – there is a burning resentment – hopefully even hatred, who knows.

  Kenny Really? Are you sure?

  Jill There has to be. Please God there is.

  Kenny He seems pretty well-balanced to me.

  Jill There has to be. Or the man wouldn’t be human.

  Douglas comes out of the house. He has again removed his jacket.

  (switching her tone with accustomed ease) Mr Beechey, I was just saying – I want to save you till tomorrow morning. All right? When you’re fresh.

  Douglas Just to suit you, Jill. I’ll fit in with you. I must say though, after that lunch – not to mention that wine – I think you might be wiser to let me sleep it off. What a host, eh? What a host Vic is. It seems like every day is Christmas Day in this house.

  Jill Don’t you drink, normally?

  Douglas Oh, Nerys and I are not averse to the odd glass of mother’s ruin. But not quite in this quantity. (He laughs.)

  Kenny I’ll – er … see if Vic’s ready.

  Jill Thanks.

  Kenny goes back into the house.

  Douglas So we’ll all be flying home tomorrow, eh?

  Jill That’s right.

  Douglas Maybe we’ll be on the same flight.

  Jill No. I think we’re going a little later than you. We’ve got the odd bit of filming to do tomorrow afternoon.

  Douglas All go, eh?

  Jill Well … (She appears to be considering saying something.)

  Douglas Then what do you do?

  Jill Er – then we have a look at what we’ve got – And edit. And then we cut it together using any additional studio sequences we decide to include – using actors – what we call reconstructed action …

  Douglas Actors playing us?

  Jill Probably …

  Douglas Fascinating. Make sure you get a good-looking one for me, won’t you? (He laughs.)

  Jill (smiling wearily) And then I link the whole thing together, live, on the day …

  Douglas Live. Goodness.

  Jill Well, recorded live. In front of a studio audience, anyway.

  Douglas What about that, then? All that work just for one programme. People just don’t realize, do they?

&
nbsp; A slight pause. When Jill speaks, it is in her most simple, honest tone. As of one who really is asking for his help.

  Jill Douglas …?

  Douglas Yes?

  Jill May I ask you something? Do you think – do you feel that I’ve been asking you the right questions?

  Douglas How do you mean?

  Jill Well, let me try and explain. Usually, someone like me, a professional interviewer – well, we try as best we can to get at what we hope is the truth, the core of the person we’re interviewing. We ask them what we hope are the right questions and then, hopefully, they respond. Which in turn leads us to ask further questions and slowly we arrive at what we, the interviewer, wants to hear; and, more important, hopefully what you, the interviewee, wants to say. Now, I don’t feel in our case that I’ve really got at the truth of you. Do you see? I haven’t – I don’t feel I’ve allowed you, yet, to say what you really, truthfully want to say. Now that is not a fault in you, Douglas. That, I’m ashamed to admit, is a fault in me, the interviewer. And I know, I should be able to cope with that. That’s my job. That’s what I was trained to do. But in our case, yours and mine, it’s just not working. I admit it. And it’s very unprofessional of me – but I’m actually appealing to you directly for help.

  Douglas (perturbed) I see. I see. I thought we’d been getting on rather well.

  Jill Douglas, be honest. I have done nothing more than scratch the surface of you. Be honest. Have I?

  Douglas Er …

  Jill Some people (she clicks her fingers) – you know. No problem. It’s all there for the picking – open-cast mining. But I have to say it, in your case, you’re a very, very, deep shaft indeed, Douglas. Too deep for me.

  Douglas Well, how extraordinary. I’ve never thought of myself as that … You may be right. Maybe you just haven’t been asking the correct questions.

  Jill Take you and Nerys, for instance.

  Douglas Yes?

  Jill I mean, you’ve never really talked about your relationship with her. Are you happy together, for instance?