Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

“Y-you too, Lily.” He turns and walks toward the back of the store and I go to Dale who’s standing beside the staffroom door.

  “Dale, we’re getting slammed today,” I say when I reach him.

  “We are, and it’ll be busier tomorrow seeing as it’s the day before Thanksgiving. Have you checked staff and made sure we have enough on?”

  “I have. Gone over it a few times, and I’ll be here in case we need an extra set of hands, too.”

  “Great. Um…on a personal note, how are you feeling?”

  Automatically the humiliation returns. “I’m really good. Couldn’t be better.”

  “Excellent! If you need anything, let me know.” He leaves and returns to his office and I go back out on the floor.

  The rest of my shift passes in a blur, and before I know it, it’s after five-thirty, which means Trent will already be waiting at home for his dinner. I grab my bag and my cardigan and run out the front doors toward the bus stop. I know he’s going to be angry and I’m going to have to make it up to him.

  The bus seems to be going slower than usual in every sense of the word. The weather’s changed drastically and the nights are getting colder and longer. The moment I get off at my stop I run as fast as I can to get home.

  I put the key in the door, and the door flies open. Trent scowls at me. The anger in his eyes tells me to not say a word. The way his chest heaves, angrily pumping air into his lungs, is an absolute guarantee of my silence.

  “You’re fucking late and I’m hungry. Where were you? Are you having an affair?”

  “No, Trent.” I profusely shake my head. “Work was busy. It’s two days before Thanksgiving and everyone is coming in.”

  “Liar,” he yells at me and gives me a backhanded slap. I fall toward the left and tumble into the entry wall. He hits my ear making a high pitched ringing sound through my head. “Where the hell were you? Were you with another man? Who the hell is he?”

  “No, really no. I was at work. And the bus was slow. Please, Trent. I only love you.”

  “You’re lying to me!” He pulls me up like a rag doll by my shoulders and slams my back into the wall I fell into. “Who the hell is he, Lily? I’m going to kill him for touching what’s mine, then I’m going to kill you for lying to me.” His face is beet red and as he screams in my face, small thin strands of spittle fly out of his mouth. I can smell the distinct sweet aroma of whisky on his breath.

  “Call Dale, he’ll tell you. We’ve been busy, really busy. It was like last year, remember?” He pushes me against the wall and steps back putting some space between us. He turns his back to me, and runs his hands through his hair before bringing them to wash over his face. Trent then goes and sits on our old sofa. “You make me crazy, Lily. Damn crazy.”

  “I’m so sorry. I should have messaged you or called you. I didn’t think. I just wanted to get home so I can make your dinner. It just completely escaped me. I’m really sorry.”

  “You could’ve just avoided me getting angry if you would’ve called. It is your fault, it’s all your fault.” He pauses and picks the remote up to the TV. “Make me some dinner, I’ve had to wait for you to get your fat ass home and I’m starving.”

  “I’ll do it right now.” I go to the kitchen and start making dinner. It takes just over half an hour but I have his steak and his sides. “Dinner’s ready,” I call from the kitchen as I finish setting the table and place his meal down.

  Trent strolls in and sits at the head of the table. He looks at the food and raises his eyebrows at it. Clearly, he’s not happy with his steak and sides. “What’s this crap?” he asks as he sits back in his chair and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

  “Steak with the sides you like.” I put my plate down and come to sit beside him.

  “It looks like shit. I wouldn’t even serve this to my dog, if we had one. You expect me to eat this?” he asks as his beastly eyes drill into me.

  I look down at my smaller portion and look at everything on my plate. The meat looks succulent, the sides all are exactly how Trent likes them. I look back to Trent and silently question what he’s saying. “I’m sorry,” I mumble as I feel tears beginning to fill my eyes.

  “You’re gonna cry now? Just like a baby. I say it looks like shit and you’re gonna cry. It’s not like it took you long to make it. God, Lily, you’re so ungrateful. I’m working my ass off so I can give you everything, and you repay me by making the worst dinner I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He shakes his head and leans forward to grip the edge of the table. I look and see his knuckles changing color and I can’t help but let the salt water escape from my eyes. Tears cling to my cheeks and silently slide down to drip into my plate.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again while looking down at my food.

  “Jesus, you’re so useless. I can’t believe how much of a disappointment you’ve turned out to be. You’re not even a good lay; you never have been.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him stand. I’m looking up at him, begging him wordlessly to stay and to eat dinner with me. He picks the plate up and flings it toward the sink. “I’m not eating that trash. I’m going out. I’ll be back later.”

  Trent leaves the small kitchen table and goes into our room. I’m left sitting alone, feeling like a complete failure. If I can’t make my husband happy with something as simple as dinner, there’s no way I’ll ever make him proud of me.

  He comes back a few minutes later, dressed in nice pants and a shirt, and smelling of the new cologne he bought for himself. “I’ll be back later. Clean this shit up, Lily. In my briefcase in the bedroom there’s an assignment you have to do. It’s due next week, but I want at least half of it done by the time I get home.”

  Looking up at him, my cheeks wet from the free falling tears, I simply nod and whisper, “Okay.”

  “Doesn’t really look like you’ll have time to eat. You really are lucky you have me, because if you didn’t, I’d hate to think how much fatter you’d be. I mean, God, look at you. What do you weigh? Like a hundred and thirty pounds? You’re so lucky I love you.”

  “They told me at the hospital I was under weight,” I say through quiet sobs.

  “Yeah I bet it was a nurse who said it to you. They’re so stupid over there. Nurses say all types of crap. I can tell you, as a doctor you’re definitely over weight.”

  “You’re not a doctor yet,” I let slip. Then realize what I said and clasp a hand to my mouth.

  Trent stands still for a moment, and then comes to stand beside me. He towers over me, his frame hovering so close I can feel the heat rolling off him. “What. Did. You. Say?” he asks slowly. The anger is gripping him, making my heart pound at dangerously rapid speeds in my chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I choke through a strained sob. I can barely breathe as the fingers of dread tighten more around my windpipe, making me choke on my sorrow and fear.

  “You should be. You’re damn lucky I keep you around. No one will ever want you, Lily. You’re useless and ugly. Just remember that.” He finally moves, taking a step back. I tightly close my eyes and brace myself for whatever is about to happen.

  But as my ragged breath finally begins to ease, I hear the click of the front door and know he’s gone. I open my eyes and take a look toward the door. He’s definitely gone. I pick at the carrot on my plate, pushing the contents around, not really hungry enough to eat any of it. Standing, I take my plate and empty it in the bin, then clean the mess where Trent threw his dinner.

  It takes me just over half an hour to clean the kitchen and to get all traces of mashed potato off the blinds and the microwave where it splattered. I go into our room and go to his briefcase, opening it and getting the top papers out.

  I go back into the kitchen and look over his assignment. This is going to take me a while to do, and I think I’ll have to spend Thanksgiving on it. But I’m more than okay with that, because we’re due to go to Trent’s uncle’s house. John.

  He creeps me out. Every time we’re anywhere he is, he’s always
trying to corner me and touch me. Most times I’ve managed to escape him, sometimes he’s gotten his tongue into my mouth. I hate it; I hate him. I tried telling Trent a few times, and he just says I overreact and his uncle wouldn’t do that. He says his aunt Terri is so much more attractive than me, and why would John stoop as low as to try anything on me? But either way, I’m relieved I’ll have to stay here to finish his assignment.

  The hours pass and I’m immersed in Trent’s assignment. The words jumble and begin to become unfocused, and although I’m not near half-done, I still need to sleep. In four and half hours I’ve got to be up for work. Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving and I know the floor will be absolutely chaotic.

  As my eyes keep drooping closed, I get up and shuffle into the bathroom to have a quick shower. Then I get dressed in my warm pajamas and curl into bed.

  Sleep is my friend and luckily it takes me off to a place of beauty and serenity.

  “Do you want a sandwich, Little Lily?” Mommy asks, as we sit on the green picnic blanket.

  “Not yet, Mommy. I want to wait for Daddy and Wade to come back.” I sit on Mommy’s lap and she plays with my hair.

  “Look at your hair. It’s so long, I think we need to cut it.”

  “NO!” I shout at Mommy and shake my head. “I don’t want my hair cut. Please, Mommy. No.”

  “Wiwi, Wiwi,” Wade calls as he runs toward me with his arms out, ready to hug me.

  “Slow down. You’ll fall and hurt yourself,” Daddy scolds Wade.

  There is a heaviness on top of me and I open my eyes to see Trent, naked and pulling my pajama pants down. His breath reeks of cheap beer and it makes my stomach roil with nausea.

  “Trent,” I say as he pushes into me.

  “Shut up.” He does what he usually does, then gets off me. He lays on his back and instantly he says, “Go clean yourself up. You smell like a common street walker.”

  I silently stand and go to the bathroom, and clean myself. When I finish, I go back to bed and lay down. Trent is already snoring heavily beside me. Visions of that dream keep swirling around in my head. Whenever I’ve dreamt of that little boy, he’s never had a name before. He’s always had the same face. The same blond, floppy hair and the same sweet voice. But he’s never had a name.

  If I close my eyes, maybe I’ll find out more about that little boy. Of maybe I’ll find the happiness he’s feeling. Maybe tonight is the night I’ll close my eyes and never have to open them again.

  “Lily,” Ocean, the cashier on register eight calls me.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask as I walk over to her.

  “I’m not feeling well.” She has dark circles under her eyes, and although she’s looking pale, I can see sweat beading on her forehead. She’s shivering, most likely from an onset of a fever. “I think I need to go home.”

  I look down her conveyor belt and it’s full with three people waiting. “As soon as this customer is done, close your register and I’ll take over. Do you want me to call your mom or dad to come get you?”

  “Yes, please. Here.” She hands me a phone from her pocket and I raise my eyebrows to her. “I usually leave it in my bag, but I was feeling off when I got here. Sorry, Lily, I won’t do it again.”

  The policy is no cell phones while the staff are working. I’ve had to confiscate a few, but generally the staff follow the rule.

  “What’s the number? And what’s your mom’s name?”

  “It’s under favorites and ‘mom’, and her name is Melanie,” she says, scanning the customer’s groceries.

  I press ‘mom’ and listen as it connects then start ringing. “Hi, sweetie, you feeling better?” her mother answers.

  “Hi Melanie, this is Lily Hackly, Ocean’s supervisor at work.”

  “Oh my God!” she shrills loudly into the phone. “Is she okay? Oh my God.” I get a tingle up my spine. Her protective maternal nature is beautiful, and something I’ve never known or experienced.

  “Ocean’s not well. She looks like she’s burning up and she’s too sick to be here. Could you come and pick her up, please?”

  “I’m on my way. Is she okay? Is she hurting? Does she need me to bring her anything?” She’s flustered and in a panic.

  “Melanie, she’s okay. She’s just finishing with her current customer, and I’ll send her to the staffroom to wait for you,” I say in a calm and soothing voice. “Text Ocean when you arrive and I’ll walk her out.”

  She breathes a relieved sigh, and I hear her take a deep breath. “Thank you so much for calling me, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  She hangs up at the same time Ocean finishes with her customer. She quickly closes off her register and I call over the store’s PA system for the supervisor of non-perishables to come to the register.

  Carl comes over as I’m scanning and I get him to sign in and take over while I go with Ocean to wait in the staffroom for her mom.

  She huddles in the corner and brings her knees up to her chest. “Can I tell you something, Lily?” she asks me.

  “You can tell me anything.” I sweep my hand across her forehead and notice how rapidly her temperature is rising.

  “From the very first time I worked here, I thought just how beautiful you are. I think you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.” She balances her chin on her knees and she smiles at me. “Sorry,” she adds.

  “How old are you, Ocean?”

  “I’ll be eighteen next year.” I smile at her and she returns me a weak smile. “You are really pretty though.”

  “Thank you.” Poor child, she must be delirious if she thinks that.

  Her phone vibrates in her hand and she looks down at it. “Mom’s here.” She stands on shaky legs and I notice now she’s shaking even more than before.

  “Come on, Ocean. I’ll help you out.” I put my arm around her shoulder and help her out to the front of the store. Her mom’s waiting for us and comes directly to us when she sees us.

  “Thank you so much,” she says as she wraps her arms around Ocean and takes over what I was doing.

  “You’re welcome. Take care, Ocean. I’ll see you next week for your shift.”

  “Thanks, Lily,” Ocean says over her shoulder to me.

  I watch as Melanie takes Ocean and carefully, lovingly helps settle her into the car. She gets in the driver’s side and leaves. I go over to where Carl has been working the register, and he’s getting slammed with people. Today is one of the busiest days of the year and it’s all hands on deck, even the store manager, Chase, would need to come down if we weren’t coping. “Close off after you’ve served that gentleman.” I point to the last man, and Carl turns his light off.

  I go to one of the few registers that has no one on, sign in, check the float and start working the register. We’re one person down since Ocean’s left and the wave of people is relentless.

  The hours melt into each other, and before I realize it my stomach is protesting, needing food. I look up at the clock above the door and see I have half an hour before it’s my break time. I’ve been consistently looking around the floor and analyzing what’s needed. Although we’re extremely busy, it’s running smoothly.

  “Oh my God!” I hear the distinct voice of my once best friend and look up to see her standing in my line.

  I can feel my mouth fall open as I look at her in disbelief. I’ve not heard from Shayne in years, and she’s still as beautiful as she was the last time I saw her. “Shayne,” I say but it comes out like a high-pitched squeal. “You’re still beautiful,” I blurt.

  “She certainly is,” says the older gentleman who I’m serving. He turns to her, and innocently winks.

  “Thank you.” She grins toward him. “Look at you. I thought you’d be finished with your degree and working in some exclusive high school somewhere,” she says. I feel my face drop immediately, and I look down at the groceries I’m bagging. “You have finished, haven’t you?”

  “Um,” I don’t say anything more because I’m comi
ng to the end of the older gentleman’s items. “That’ll be sixty-seven dollars even, please.” The gentlemen pays, wishes both Shayne and me a happy Thanksgiving, and leaves. “How are you?” I say, changing direction of the conversation.

  “Absolutely fantastic. Liam and I got married and we moved to the other side of town. His dad bought a tire store and offered Liam a job on the floor, and me one in the office. We couldn’t say no. It’s just too good an opportunity.”

  I scan her few items and bag them. “I’m so happy for you,” I say with sincerity.

  “Hey, what time do you get off? We can grab a bite to eat, what do you think?” she asks eagerly.

  I look up to her eyes and it instantly transports me back to the carefree and happy days we shared. But I suddenly realize I have only enough money for the bus. Trent gives me the exact amount I need on a daily basis. And sometimes when he’s forgotten, I have to walk the twenty-five minutes either way. I’m completely embarrassed that I have to say ‘sorry but my husband doesn’t give me money for food’ so I give Shayne another excuse. “I really wish I could, but I forgot my purse at home and I only have enough money for the bus trip home. I’m sorry, maybe next time.” If there’s ever a next time, I’ll have to think of another excuse.

  “I’m not going to let you forgetting your purse at home stop us from having lunch. My treat. I have so much to tell you, and I’m sure there’s so many fantastic things you’ve done, too. What time is your break?”

  “I really can’t.” Even as I speak the words, I know they aren’t convincing. Because I’m jumping out of my skin that she’s here. I want nothing more than to run around the counter, throw my arms around her and squeeze her.

  “This is going to happen, Lily. I’m not taking no for an answer.” She puts her hand on her hip, snaps the fingers of her other hand and shows me her usual ‘Shayne sass’.

  I smile at her, and suddenly the darkness has lifted from inside me. The everyday gloom that blankets me and doesn’t let go, vanishes as if it was never there to begin with. “I’ve missed you,” I shamelessly announce.