The Wife

by ML Roberts

Lie to me now, Michael, come on. I’m waiting …

  ‘Ava? What’s going on here, Ellie? Because, right now, you’re making no fucking sense.’

  He’s pushing me. I didn’t want to mention her name, I didn’t want to do that, but he’s pushing me.

  ‘Did you learn nothing? After everything that happened? You let them get too close, Michael. You let them get too close, give them too many signals …’

  ‘Ava is a student, Ellie.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘How do you know anything about her?’

  ‘I don’t know anything about her. Apart from the fact you’re letting her get too close. And when they get too close …’

  He shakes his head. He thinks I’m being irrational, I can see it in his eyes. He’s going to make it sound like I’m imagining all kinds of shit that doesn’t exist, like my crazy, mixed-up, over-emotional mind is making me see things that aren’t there.

  ‘I don’t know how you even know about Ava – I don’t know how you know about any of my students, but whatever you think is going on, you’re imagining it. We’ve been here before, Ellie, it’s all in your fucking head. I didn’t encourage anyone, I didn’t lead anyone on. And nothing is happening again. Okay?’

  See? I knew he was going to do that. To think that. Because he assumes I’m nothing more than a messed-up wreck now. Too damaged. Too broken.

  ‘Ava is one of the students I’m mentoring. That’s all.’

  ‘That’s all she was too, Michael. The woman who kicked our baby out of me, the woman who killed our child. You were mentoring her, too.’

  His eyes are fixed on mine, and even though I’m sure I see a brief flicker of sadness in them, his expression is mostly one of pity. He’s constantly frustrated with me these days, but he just needs to know that I’m doing this to save us, he needs to realize that.

  ‘Do you understand how dangerous your behaviour is becoming, Ellie?’

  No, Michael, what you’re doing is dangerous, I’m just trying to keep us safe.

  ‘If you don’t let this go …’ He turns away from me, rakes a hand through his hair before he turns back to face me. ‘You need to let it go. Now. For all our sakes.’

  There’s something else in his expression now – fear? Panic?

  Are you nervous, Michael? Of what I might know? What I’ve already found out?

  ‘What exactly do you think is going on, Ellie?’

  ‘I don’t know, Michael.’

  He holds my stare for a second or two before he laughs quietly, he’s dismissing me as crazy again. ‘No, you don’t know.’

  ‘Then tell me.’

  ‘It’s none of your business.’ His eyes harden, he’s looking right into me, and I feel my stomach contract with a new type of fear. Something darker. Something I can’t explain. ‘None of your business.’

  He’s my husband. Everything he does is my business, but before I can tell him that he’s left the room. Left me alone.

  He goes upstairs, I hear him, just one flight this time. He hasn’t gone up to his office, yet.

  I stay rooted to the spot, I can’t move. The room feels like it’s spinning and I reach out to grasp the counter behind me, to steady myself. I can’t remember if I’ve eaten today. I can’t remember the last time I ate at all, I don’t have much of an appetite anymore. Eating isn’t high on my list of priorities, there are more important things to think about. But I need a drink, and I turn around and reach for the whisky on the counter. I fetch a glass from the cupboard, pour out a large measure and drink it down in one mouthful. The feeling of calm that spreads through me is instant, flooding my body and I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. Exhale slowly. I’m calm. I’m okay.

  ‘Ellie?’

  I open my eyes. Michael’s standing in the doorway. He seems calmer now too. His eyes don’t seem as cold.

  ‘I’m going to spend the weekend at a hotel.’

  I frown. I don’t understand … ‘A hotel?’

  ‘I fly to Cardiff on Sunday evening, so … I’ve booked myself into one of the hotels at the airport. I think we could both do with some space, don’t you?’

  How much more space does he need? He couldn’t be any further away and now he’s walking away, again. Like he always does. He walks away, he leaves me alone, and he still doesn’t get how much that hurts me.

  ‘We both need some time, Ellie. To think.’

  About what, Michael? About her? Ava? About how you’re going to leave me?

  ‘And when I get back …’

  He trails off, and slides his hands into his pockets. I feel sick, I feel like everything’s falling apart, like I’m losing him too quickly, and the room, it’s spinning again.

  He eyes meet mine, and I reach behind me for the counter, gripping it tight. If I let go I’ll fall, I know I will.

  ‘When I get back, if things haven’t changed – if you haven’t changed, Ellie, then I think it’s best if I move out. For a while.’

  I feel my knees give way beneath me, feel them weaken and I grip the counter tighter. I will the room to stop spinning.

  ‘I’ve done everything I can, to help you. I’ve tried, to help you …’

  Have you, Michael? Really?

  ‘I did my best to make this all go away, but you refuse to leave it alone. And this is the last time I’m going to tell you this, because I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this, of fighting you …’

  ‘I’m not fighting, Michael.’

  ‘You are. You’re fighting against everything I told you … Everything I tell you.’ He looks away again, and I see his shoulders tense up, hear him sigh heavily. ‘Let it go, Ellie. Please. Because if you don’t … if you don’t …’

  He doesn’t need to finish that sentence, and I feel my stomach clench up, feel my heart start to beat so fast it hurts. He’s slipping away from me and I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared.

  I watch as he turns and walks away, and again I can’t move. It’s like I’m frozen; paralyzed. Have I just lost my husband? Have I given him, to her? Has he been using my behaviour as an excuse, to give himself a reason to leave me? A reason for him to feel better about leaving me for his teenage distraction?

  A wave of nausea rises up from my clenched stomach, so fast I only just manage to turn around in time to vomit into the sink.

  I hear his car start up, but I keep my head down. I hear him drive away and I feel a mixture of pain, anger and sadness sweep over me, so intense it’s suffocating. He’s left me alone, again. He left me alone that night, and he promised he would never do that again. He promised he would never leave me alone again.

  Sinking to the floor I sit back against the kitchen cabinets and look around the room. The silence is terrifying. This house, I’m growing to hate it, it’s just a reminder of everything we almost had.

  Everything we lost.

  I’ve lost enough …

  Chapter 32

  I sit at the kitchen table watching Liam as he makes breakfast. I had to call him. I didn’t want to be alone last night, the fear is becoming too much to bear. I can’t cope sometimes, when I’m alone here. Every creak, every random, harmless noise, they all remind me of that night. They all bring back memories, cause those images I’ve tried to push aside to surge forward again. They make me realize that what happened, it’s never going to go away. If I’m alone I can’t cope with that realization. If Liam’s with me, I’m okay. I can manage.

  ‘Here. You need to eat something.’

  He places a plate of scrambled eggs down in front of me. ‘I’m not hungry.’

  ‘I don’t care. You’re losing weight, so you’re obviously not eating. And I’m not going to stand around and watch you make yourself ill.’

  Michael hasn’t noticed I’ve lost weight. Because Michael doesn’t notice anything anymore. He chooses to ignore instead. To bury his head in the sand. He chooses distractions.

  ‘I’ll eat when I’m hungry.’

  ‘Stop acting like a petulant child, Ellie,
and just eat something. If not for yourself then do it for me.’

  I scoop up a forkful of egg and swallow them down, but I’m resisting the food so much it almost sticks in my throat. It takes a mouthful of tea to dislodge it.

  ‘I thought it might be nice to have a walk along the river this morning.’

  I look at him as he joins me at the table; as he sits back and drinks his tea. He’s made himself at home, but then, this place was always his second home anyway. He’s always been too close. ‘Okay.’

  He looks at the plate of eggs in front of me. ‘Eat some more, Ellie.’

  He’s talking to me like I’m a child, and I don’t want that from him. He’s supposed to make me feel like the woman I need to be, not some weak, pathetic person who needs to be looked after.

  I eat a little more of the scrambled egg before pushing the plate away. That was enough, I don’t need too much food. It upsets my stomach.

  ‘While we’re down by the river we could have some lunch. The weather’s looking okay, we could sit outside.’

  I pick up my plate and take it over to the sink.

  ‘Ellie? Did you hear what I said?’

  I turn around and stand with my back against the counter as he gets up and comes over to me. ‘Our first date was a walk, down by the river.’ I look up into his eyes. Am I pushing him away, too? ‘Mine and Michael’s. That was the night I knew I was in love with him.’

  Liam drops his head and backs away from me. But he doesn’t say anything. He remains impassive. Stays silent. And then he looks up at me and I realize how much I need this man. If I push him away I’m left with nothing. I really am alone.

  ‘I’m sorry, Liam.’

  He comes back over to me. He tucks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up, kissing me firmly on the mouth, forcing my lips apart with his. I reach out and grasp his t-shirt, pulling him against me, the kiss deepening, his mouth pressing harder against mine as he pushes me up onto the counter. He knows what I need, he knows how to fix me. At least, for now. He knows.

  He’s inside me. I feel him, invading me. But I want him there. I wrap my legs around him and lose myself in sex that means nothing and everything. I hold onto him, rest my chin on his shoulder as he thrusts into me, my eyes fixed on a photograph of me and Michael on the dresser. Me and Michael. Happy. In love. My husband’s bright, beautiful smile lighting up his handsome face as he looks at me. He loved me then. He’ll love me again.

  I close my eyes, dig my fingernails into Liam’s back as he comes, and I try to drag myself back to where I need to be – in the moment. I need to feel that release, that’s why Liam’s here.

  I take his hand, I put it between my legs and I look at him as he touches me. I stare into his eyes as he brings me to a slow, calm climax, and all the time I don’t take my eyes off him. It’s intense, yet, at the same time, I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. There are so many parts of me that are still numb. Maybe he can’t fix all of me.

  He pulls his hand away and steps back from me, turns around and walks away. He senses I’m not in the mood for anything more than what he’s given me. He knows me, better than Michael does. He knows me, and he knows he’s done what he needs to do.

  He leaves the kitchen and heads upstairs. I slide down from the counter, go over to the dresser, picking up that photograph of Michael and me. I struggle to remember those happy times, even though they far outnumber the dark ones we’re so used to now.

  Putting the photograph down I open the top drawer and reach inside, to the very back of it, feeling around until I find what I’m looking for. Another crutch. Another thing I need to help me get through each day.

  I take the bottle over to the sink and pour myself a glass of water, swallowing down two of the pills, closing my eyes as they slide effortlessly down my throat.

  ‘What’ve you just taken?’

  I spin around, I hadn’t heard him come back downstairs.

  ‘Ellie?’

  ‘They’re for anxiety. They’re herbal, nothing dangerous.’

  He strides over to me, takes the bottle from my hand and looks at the label. ‘Were these prescribed by your doctor?’

  I walk over to the window, wrapping my arms around myself as I look outside. The sun’s already high in the sky, casting shadows over the garden, making everything look picturesque and pretty. The garden I should have been sitting in, reading a book while my baby lay beside me, shielded from the spring sunshine. Sleeping.

  ‘Ellie? Where did you get these?’

  ‘I bought them online.’ I turn around to face him. ‘They’re just herbal, Liam.’

  ‘Jesus Christ …’

  ‘It’s nothing sinister. They help me cope with being here alone, that’s all. You know how hard it is for me to be in this house on my own.’

  ‘You’re not on your own, are you? I’m here.’ He shoves the pills into his pocket. ‘You think I don’t know what these are, Ellie? I work in pharmaceuticals, for Christ’s sake, I know this shit. You’re done with these.’

  I’m not going to argue with him. I should’ve been more careful, knowing he was here.

  He comes over to me, and reaches out to touch my cheek. He smiles, and I smile too. I feel better when he’s here, but when he isn’t, I need something else to get me through each day, because I feel like they’re all gradually becoming darker; like the world is slowly closing in around me, and I can’t face that alone. I need something to keep me strong, to help me do what I need to do to get me and Michael back to where we need to be. Because what I might have to do in order to achieve that … I need that strength.

  ‘Go get dressed and we’ll go for that walk. Okay?’

  *

  It’s a beautiful day in Durham City. We’ve taken a walk through the busy centre of town, looked in the shops, visited the cathedral. Liam knows it’s a place that gives me peace. Just standing outside, looking up at it, I instantly feel a rush of calm, even though I know it’s only temporary. Like sex with Liam. Temporary rushes of calm. I’m taking them all.

  He held my hand, as we stood outside the cathedral. We shouldn’t show any signs of affection when we’re out in public, especially when we’re here in Durham, there are too many people who know us. Our secret could become exposed, but his touch was discreet. He slid his hand into mine and he squeezed it tight, for the briefest of seconds, just long enough for him to let me know he was there. He was with me.

  Now we’re down by the river, sitting on a row of stone steps that lead down to the water, watching the rowers glide elegantly across it, their coordinated strokes mesmerizing as they push their boats along in a seemingly effortless motion. The cruiser is out today too, chugging up and down the River Wear, its outdoor deck full of people taking in the views of the cathedral and castle. It’s a peaceful, beautiful day. But there’s nothing peaceful or beautiful about my world now. My husband is in a hotel, because he can’t live with me. My marriage is broken, because he can’t leave his distraction alone. I’m lonely, but determined not to stay this way. Each day I try to summon up a new charge of energy, a new reason to climb out of bed and keep going, because there have been times when carrying on wasn’t something I wanted to do. But then I think of Michael. And Ava. Of what I need to get back, no matter what. I have a reason to climb out of bed each morning. I have every fucking reason.

  ‘What if he doesn’t come home?’ I’m not sure I meant to say those words out loud, I was thinking them. But they’re out there now.

  Liam picks up a stone and tosses it into the water, and I watch as it skims off the surface, bumping over the water in short, sharp hops before disappearing from view.

  ‘Do you want him to?’

  He looks at me, and I frown. ‘Do I want him to come home? Of course I do.’

  Liam turns his head away from me, picks up another stone, tossing that one into the water too. ‘Did he give you an ultimatum?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He looks at me again. ‘You know wh
at I mean, Ellie.’

  I start twisting my wedding band around my finger. ‘He wants me to move on.’ I shrug. ‘It’s all he’s ever wanted me to do.’

  ‘So why don’t you just do that? If you love him that much, why don’t you just let it go?’

  ‘Because it’s not that simple.’

  ‘Isn’t it? You went through a lot, Ellie, there’s no question of that, but sometimes moving on is the best way to deal with it.’

  ‘It isn’t that simple,’ I repeat.

  He frowns, he doesn’t understand. Nobody understands. ‘Why not? I mean, if you’re still finding it that hard to deal with, why not go back to counselling?’

  ‘More counselling isn’t going to do any good, Liam. Believe me.’

  His eyes lock on mine, and I feel a cold shiver tear up my spine, despite the warm sunshine on my back.

  ‘We could leave here, Ellie. Me and you, we could just walk away. Leave all this shit behind. We could start again.’

  I look down at my fingers still fiddling with my wedding band. ‘You knew the score, Liam.’

  ‘I love you, Ellie …’

  I raise my gaze, hold his stare. ‘You knew the score, when we started sleeping together. Don’t make this into something else.’

  He looks out ahead of him, clasping his hands together between his knees. ‘Michael was my best friend. From the day we met, back in our university days, I knew he was going to be in my life for a long time. He was like a brother to me, yet the second I saw him with you …’ He turns his head to face me, his eyes boring into mine, ‘I hated him.’

  I swallow hard. He doesn’t mean that. He doesn’t. ‘You don’t hate him, Liam.’

  He stares down at his clasped hands. ‘Maybe hate’s the wrong word. I resented him. I resented you, for choosing him.’

  ‘I didn’t choose him …’

  ‘What made you want him, and not want me? What made him so different?’

  I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t need this. ‘It was just timing, Liam.’

  He stares out ahead of him again, and I’m not sure what’s happening here. I’m confused. Those pills I took this morning, they’re not working, they aren’t easing my anxiety, they’re not helping me cope.