If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  Don’t let anyone tell you that top quality alcohol is less likely to give you a hangover. Because I was pretty sure that I was going to die from alcohol poisoning, as I lay my cheek against the cold porcelain toilet after spending a mass amount of time throwing up.I crawled to the bed and climbed back under the sheets, closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

  Alone.

  I dreamt terrible things, horrible things, images of my cold dead body lying on a slab and Gage crying at my feet. Gage shaking his head and running away at the sight of me drooling in a wheelchair with bandages wrapped around my head. Gage throwing dirt onto a coffin with the word ‘Forgiveness’ inscribed in black letters across a red ribbon, woven through a bouquet of flowers.

  I woke with a start and a sharp, familiar pain in my head. I took a pill, grabbed my phone and crawled back into bed. Several times I started to dial Gage’s number only to end the call before it connected, started writing a text and canceled it before sending and went back to sleep.

  Day 22

  Sitting with my coffee staring at the empty seat across the table, where Philippe set a cup for Gage, not having the guts to tell him that I was alone, I took a deep breath and stilled more tears from falling.

  Less than twelve hours and I missed him miserably. Like you miss breathing, like you miss the sun rising and setting each day. My gut was one giant knot, it ached terribly and no pill was going to take that kind of pain away. I just needed to talk to him, tell him, let him in and let him decide what road to take, let the chips fall where they may.

  I picked up my phone and dialed Gage’s number but it went directly to voicemail over and over and I hung up deciding to text instead.

  Gage we need to finish our talk. I love you. T.

  Time ticked at a turtle’s pace while I anticipated a text in return. I was beginning to lose hope that he would text back, when I heard the familiar beep from my phone.

  I need time. I need to be away from you for now. Philippe will collect my things. G.

  I looked sadly at the screen reading the text over and over. No I love you. No I hate you. Not even an eat-shit-and-die. Anything would have been better than nothing at all.

  You need to know something important. You have to listen to me. T.

  No Tandy. G.

  The knock at the door startled me but I knew it would be Philippe and sadly not the man I needed to be there. I packed up Gage’s things in silence with Philippe’s help and he loaded it all onto a trolley and gave me a knowing nod as he wheeled it into the hall and closed the door behind him.

  It was like a final slap to the face, a final goodbye, a reminder that I should have sent him packing the first night he told me his name. Then I wouldn’t have torn his heart out and hurt us both.

  I sent him a last text simply saying:

  Sorry. T.

  ***

  The briney water looked as dark and cold as I felt, as I stood staring out at the ocean just inside the sliding door. Philippe had just dropped my things off and I had turned from my neatly packed luggage with no desire to put it away and without so much as a thank you.

  My heart was heavy like I was grieving a death. Not believing that this could happen twice in a lifetime. First Paula tore out my heart when she slept with Wayne, my best friend since grade school, and now Tandy, the one love of my life. The only woman that ever made me truly feel whole, complete and secure, was pushing me away with her secrets and fears. Sure that she was my future, I put my heart out there only to be shunted out of hers.

  Tightening my jaw I avowed to keep a distance and not see her, feel her or smell her mind-altering scent. Afraid that things, hurtful things, would be said and gray shadows would cloud over what we had shared, I would just stay away.

  The cell phone vibrated wildly across the coffee table and I glanced over wondering whether to ignore it. I turned back to the view outside and lost myself in my memories.

  Tandy’s smile when we met had me mesmerized. The way she curled up her nose when she lost at slots, the gleam in her eyes when I took her hand and led her around. The mmm sound she made when we shared the chocolate dipped strawberries just the other night. Her hunger for me and the way she moaned out my name as her climax came to an end and the taste of her that lingered on my tongue.

  “No! I can’t do it, I can’t stay way,” I announced to the wind, as it blustered past my face.

  I loved her desperately, needed her like I needed air, more than anything. I was going to go to her and beg her to take me back, beg for her forgiveness and tell her that I didn’t need to know anything except that she loved me. In time I would convince her to consider the idea of a future together.

  Rushing to the door, I grabbed the handle and tugged it open, stopping dead in my track when an all too familiar face stood in front of me and smiled.

  “Finally, I found you.”

  “What are you doing here, Paula?” I said with a sour, hateful look.

  “I came looking for you babes, I miss you, I thought we could catch up.” She stepped forward and I moved my arm across the door’s frame stopping her. The last thing I was in the mood for was a confrontation with this bitch.

  “Where’s Wayne?”

  “Oh, Wayne and I are finished. Can I come in?” she asked, with an exaggerated pout.

  “No. Go away Paula, I have nothing to say to you.” She made me want to puke, physically throw up right there on the spot. This was the last person I wanted to see, I had more important things to take care of, one of which was right next door.

  “Don’t be mean, babes,” Paula said, stepping forward to hug me causing me to pull back with a jerk.

  “Don’t call me that.” I liked the pet name she gave me when we were a couple. But detested it now, remembering hearing her cry it out as she rode Wayne’s cock, while I looked on from our bedroom threshold.

  “You always liked it when I called you that.”

  “What do you want?” I demanded, exasperated with only the few minutes of time she had already taken up.

  “I was so wrong about Wayne. I should have never slept with him. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I want to make it up to you, babes.”

  “I don’t think so,” I said, as I backed away and attempted to close the door. Paula moved her foot into the doorway and blocked me. My nostrils flared and all I saw was red.

  “Why? Is there someone else?”

  “None of your fucking business,” I snarled, the muscles along my jaw clamped tight holding back the urge to physically throw her ass overboard.

  “I saw you with that chick next door, she’s real sweet. Let’s go see her together.”

  And the evil bitch is back.

  “You stay the fuck away from her.” I moved forward and then pulled back, taking in a cleansing breath gaining control before I did something we would both regret and stepped back.

  “Too late, babes. I met her a few days ago when I knocked at her door looking for you, she said she didn’t know you, but I’m not stupid. I saw you kissing all over her by the pool. Maybe you can introduce us formally. I think we’d get along great, maybe become bff’s, you never know eh?” She winked and I grabbed her arm as she moved towards Tandy’s door.

  “Leave her alone. Leave me alone, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

  She moved closer so she could whisper, so close I could smell the sickly scent of patchouli oil. “Huh, well say hi to George for me the next time you talk to him. By the way, does Daddy’s little girl know who you are?”

  Our two year relationship prior to my incarceration had been a rocky one to say the least. I recalled one of many scenes she caused at a Manning family day barbeque, where she sent both me and my father into the pool and splashing her drink in George’s face when he threatened to have her escorted from his property. Mr. Manning had advised me to take my leave of her then and there, offering me the guest house and money to help.

  Shaking my head, I wished I’d listened to Mr. M. I was so crazy in love or
at least I thought. I put up with her temper tantrums and disruptive behavior for another year, before her cheating ass opened my veiled eyes. Unfortunately by then I was an emotional mess and chaos seemed to follow me like an ominous black cloud. Although I wouldn’t admit to having regrets, I did often anguish over that crazy night I met Lorenzo and stupidly chose to take the wrong fork in the road, a fork that ended in a three year prison stay. Five years of my life wasted, never again.

  My hand clamped onto her elbow and pulled her into the room closing the door quietly behind us. She was a contemptible bitch and I knew from experience that she was not one to be tested. If she said she was going to do something, that’s exactly what she would do. Come hell or high water.

  “She knows who I am,” I attested.

  “Ah, but does she know who you work for?”

  Rubbing my hand over my chin, feeling the rough stubble of the last few days reminding me of missed showers and a lack of sleep, I clenched my jaw until it hurt. I retrieved a beer from the bar fridge without asking if she wanted anything, this was not a social meeting and I was not in the mood to be the gracious host. I watched her carefully as I twisted the cap off the beer and chucked it at the waste basket missing it completely but not caring one way or another.

  “What is it you’re really looking for? And don’t bullshit me, I know you too well.”

  “Fine, be that way.” She took the beer from my hand and took a long pull. “Fifty grand keeps my mouth shut.”

  Taking my shirt tail, I wiped the neck of the bottle before taking a mouthful, not interested in sharing spit with this bitch, which would be like sucking the venom from a widow spider. “Please, until it runs out and you come back looking for more.”

  “Swear. Fifty grand and I disappear for good,” she said, crossing her fingers over her heart.

  I laughed at the gesture knowing that no heart lay behind her designer blouse. “Where am I supposed to get that kind of money?”

  Paula reached for the bottle and scowled as I nicked it away, “I know your daddy left you a shit load of money when he kicked it.”

  I was well aware of my father’s estate and its worth, but it sat in trust and would stay put until my name remained clean for one full year. It was my father’s last ditch effort to keep me out of trouble and point me back on the straight and narrow.

  “Don’t be so fucking crude, a little respect here. That money’s locked up, I can’t touch it.”

  She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. “I’m sure you can scrape it together. You’re resourceful, use that pretty little head of yours.” She patted my hand. “You have until we dock in Egypt or I give your girlfriend a visit.”

  Paula had balls, I’d give her that. With a blank stare, images of my fingers neatly wrapped around her throat, squeezing that smug look off her face encircled my head. She handed me a black business card with a phone number and nothing else.

  My brows knit together. “What do I give a shit, she’s not my girlfriend.” I spit out trying my damnedest to come off unaffected.

  “Oh come on, never kid a kidder. That one’s got your dick in a vice and you’re hard for her. I can see it, I remember that look. You looked at me that way once upon a time. You don’t want her to find out the truth, so you’ll cooperate like a good boy.” She raised her hand to my cheek and I jerked away like it was hot coals against my skin.

  “Stop it!” I barked, in a nasty vile tone I didn’t even recognize as my own.

  “You can reach me at that number to arrange a money transfer. It’s really in your best interest to do as you’re told.” she warned.

  I grasped the beer bottle tight, waiting for it to break in my fist from the pressure. I managed to spit out, “Fuck you, Paula!”

  She turned away with a smile. “We could do that, babes, but you’d still have to pay…remember you have until we dock.”

  Paula sauntered into the hallway and glanced next door. With a wink, she placed her index finger over her lips making a shhh sound and then walked away toward the elevator.

  The beer bottle rocketed across the room at an alarming speed, shattering into a million tiny shards against the wall, leaving a trail of beer trickling down to the carpet. The fire in me exploded before my eyes, the rage I felt was undeniable. The fact that she had screwed me over once and was returning to do it all over again, boggled my mind.

  I rummaged through my luggage until I located my laptop and plugged it in when I discovered to my dismay that the battery was drained dry. I paced back and forth like a lion on the prowl, waiting until it charged enough to bring it to life. I sat staring at the screen trying to think of what to say, feeling every bit the fool having to crawl to Mr. M.

  Mr. M. I have some trouble. Paula is on the ship and she’s threatening to tell Tandy that I’m working for you. She wants money. I need you to arrange a loan from my father’s estate. G.

  I blew out a long breath and hit send. I started picking up chunks of glass, collecting them into the waste basket before calling room service for a cleaning. It was the least I could do after the mess I made. A ping sounded from the laptop sitting on the table and I rushed to open the reply.

  We certainly have a mess, don’t we? How the hell did she get on the ship? And how the hell did she find out you’re working for me? My man tried checking the passenger list but security has him blocked. The only thing to do is pay her off. I’m not touching your father’s money. This is my problem, I will pay her and make sure she disappears. M.

  She said I have until we dock at Egypt. That’s two days. G.

  You just keep her away from my daughter. I will take care of the rest. M.

  Thank you. I will do my best. I owe you. G.

  You owe me nothing son, just keep that tramp away from my daughter. I will be in touch. M.

  Now was the time to keep a distance, I couldn’t risk Tandy finding out, not like this. I desperately wanted to tell her everything, and I vowed that I would once Paula was taken care of. Why I was there and who I was working for would surely destroy what Tandy and I had. Not to mention, she’d break all ties with her father and in turn Mr. M would hang me from the nearest tree on behalf of them both.

  What a fucking tangled web, I thought. The dark pool I was keeping afloat in, with my head just slightly above water, was beginning to churn into a wicked storm. It was brewing wildly and the reality that it was only a matter of time before the waves sucked me under and I drowned in the underbelly of my lies was daunting.

  “No more secrets!” I avowed out loud, they would only come to surface sooner or later, time to man up. The more I thought about it, the more I knew what he had to do. I had to tell her everything, try to convince her of my devotion to her and the old man would have to deal. Seizing my cell from the table, I sent Tandy a text, turned my phone off and slipped it into my pocket.

  First and foremost, I had to deal with Paula. By tailing her, I could keep a distance from Tandy and keep track of Paula’s whereabouts. Picking up the phone, I waited for the main service to pick up.

  “This is Monica. How can I help you today Mr. Carter?”

  “Hi Monica, I was hoping you could help me locate a dear friend that I think may be on this cruise. It’s sort of an emergency.” I nearly gagged on the words, dear friend.

  I worked my magic, using my most sultry tone when I spoke to her, crossed my fingers and waited while she fought with divulging private information. I could practically see her worrying, her lower lip curled or biting at her nails while she made her decision.

  “What’s your friend’s name, Mr. Carter?”

  “Paula Stuart.” I waited listening to her nails clicking the plastic keys of the keyboard.

  “Sorry, I don’t have anyone listed as a passenger or guest under that name.”

  “You’ve been very helpful Monica, thanks so much. Goodbye.”

  So the hunt began, lunch would be the best time to do it, I could stake out the smaller dining rooms and restaurants. She’d have
to eat.

  Knowing exactly how Paula worked was going to help. She had a lethal charm about her, like a coiled cobra waiting to pounce on her latest victim, sinking in her fangs and injecting her poison slowly and deliberate. Thankfully I knew her too well.

  ***

  There was an almighty crash next door stirring me from my misery for a few minutes as I wondered what had happened. But it only kept my interest for a short spell.

  When my cell announced a text, I almost didn’t want to see it, almost. It was Gage. I stared at the heartbreaking picture on the screen of our linking tattoos. My heart fluttered with hope and I quickly opened it, like the fool I am.

  I’ve been an ass. When we dock in Egypt I’ll be leaving the ship. I have business. We need to talk it’s important. I will call when I’m back on board. Trust me. G.

  Trust me? What the hell did that mean? I was the ass and he hated me for it. I was convinced of this after he stormed out and left me with half a bottle of fancy scotch, leaving me to my own devices, to get totally sloshed, for which I was still suffering. Remembering his last text saying ‘No Tandy’ when I begged him to listen nearly broke my heart.

  I puffed out a breath “Trust him? Whatever.” And I turned my head to the sound of the sliding door closing next door.

  Perhaps I should have introduced myself to Mr. Sexy-next-door-neighbor on that first day aboard. I could have thrown myself at him, had a night of naughty hot sex and been done with it. Then I would have missed that introduction to Gage and our lives would have taken a different turn in the road. I would never have gotten close to him and my heart wouldn’t be aching for him at this very minute.

  What a fool I’d been. Falling for a man on a cruise, letting him practically move in with me, giving him my virginity and to make things worse, I tell him I love him. What a fool! I did love him though, and the reality of it all? I was a fool to lead him on. I had no right to drag him into my wreck of a life, a life with an unknown future. If anyone was to blame for all this mess, it was me.