If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  I gazed down at the water, black and murky, wondering how deep it was. The smell was dank and stale, not just from the garbage barge, but from years of neglect and discarded trash. I remembered hearing the Themes was one of the most polluted rivers in the world, it didn’t look like it to me, and it was also said to have one of the highest suicide attempts. I guessed if you didn’t drown, the pollution would kill you. Morbid thought yet again.

  “Yeah, lead on.”

  Walking past throngs of tourists taking photos, I took my phone from my pocket and stopped Gage for a selfie. I often viewed selfies as ridiculous self-promotion, a way to be seen without a fuss, this was just me promoting a cheesy memory with my man.

  Just as I slipped the cell into my pocket it rang. The familiar tone brought a smile to my face and I swiftly answered.

  “Henry, what’s up?”

  “It’s not Henry, kitten, it’s your father.”

  My face paled, the smile erased instantaneously and I scowled to Gage. “What do you want and where’s Henry?”

  “Don’t you worry about Henry, he’s been dealt with.”

  “Dealt with how, what did you do to Henry?” I panicked at the idea of any harm coming to the man I considered my only family.

  “I let him go, I know about the apartment and his part in the purchase. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Not going to happen, kitten, it will be sold when you get back.”

  I shook my head violently. “No! I’m not coming home. My home is with Gage now, we love each other and we’re going to make a life together. A life you won’t be part of.”

  “We will see about that. That son-of-a-bitch has got you looking through rose tinted glasses, your hormones are making all these silly decisions for you!” His temper flared as he spoke, getting louder on every other word. “You’ll both be penniless, you won’t see a dime.”

  “You can’t do that, you know it,” I boldly declared. His threats were worthless on me.

  “Maybe not but I can hold the funds up in litigation for as long as it takes to bring you to your senses. That, kitten, I am entirely capable of.”

  “Yeah, well let me repeat the words of a brilliant man heard not that long ago.” I winked at Gage, just as he had to me a few hours ago. “Fuck You!”

  And with those immortal words, I tore the back off of my phone, removed the SD card tucking it safely into my pocket and heaved the cell into the Themes with the rest of the trash. I felt bad for adding to the poor river’s pollution levels but only for a Nano-second and then the guilt was gone.

  “You okay, sweetheart?” Gage asked, taking me in his arms in a power hug.

  “That felt phenomenal. I’ve been reborn, like a huge weight has been lifted.” I bear hugged him and then threw my arms out, tilted my head back facing the sky and yelled.

  “Free! I feel free!”

  Applause from a few passersby had us laughing, I bowed as if it was my own personal curtain call and we plodded on.

  Necking like horny teenagers while we waited for our turn to board the London Eye a strange feeling came over me. A cloudy, hazy feeling in my head, I blinked my eyes and pushed my palms to Gage’s chest forcing him to pull back.

  “What is it?” he asked, concerned.

  I took a few deep breaths and the feeling gradually vanished. “Nothing, just needed some air.” I assured him, not wanting to alarm him unnecessarily.

  The view was spectacular, the river below becoming smaller, the panoramic view of London from our glass bubble in the sky was amazing. If this were the only way to see London, it would have been enough. Although the day was anything but bright, it was clear and the slow steady ride allowed us to take it all in, we missed nothing.

  From Westminster and Big Ben to double-decker buses crossing the bridges below, it was all too consuming. Boats and barges leaving white swirling trails in their wake and the odd speed boat whirling past caught our eye. Gage pointed out buildings he knew, I did the same but most of the time we just watched in silence.

  “Can you imagine the view at night?” Gage asked.

  “Can you imagine it at Christmas? London all lit up, it must be magnificent.”

  “Not as magnificent as New York. Maybe we’ll come back at Christmas and see?” he suggested.

  “I’d like that.”

  “Look, you can see Nelson’s Column from here.”

  I squinted. “Where?”

  Gage pointed straight into the distance and my eyes tried to focus but all I could see were tiny flashes of light bursting into view. Blinking didn’t make it better this time and my heart accelerated as panic set in. I reached for Gage’s arm but missed. His arm snatched me around the waist as I deflated into his arms. Everything was numb except the pain stabbing through my head like a red-hot poker and fear sat heavy on my chest. Time had escaped me and finally run out, the sands of time had seeped through and the hour glass sat near empty.

  “Tandy!” Gage hollered, as he lowered me to the bubble’s floor. “Tandy!”

  Tears filled his eyes as he cradled me into his chest; he was feeling the same fear, the same terror.

  “Get this thing down!” He screamed out to the others watching from a across the pod. “We need help.”

  My eyes were growing heavy. I feared if they closed, they’d never open again. There was much to say, many words unspoken. With a heavy strained heart I met Gage’s sodden eyes, so scared and helpless, frustrated with panic.

  “Gage,”

  “Don’t try to talk, baby. Helps coming, it’s going to be alright.” His attempt to be brave was endearing, my heart tightened. I fell in love all over again.

  “Remember,” I whispered.

  “Remember what, baby?”

  “I…remember…you.” Words weren’t coming properly. Pain was rendering speech near impossible. All felt muddled and awkward.

  Gage drew in a tortured breath as tears streaked over his cheeks, he nodded his understanding. My vow was clear. Gage rocked me gently, brushing my hair away from my face.

  “Stay with me baby,” he begged, “don’t close your eyes.”

  My eyes fluttered. I just needed to go to sleep. “Love you,” I said, hoping he understood.

  “Love you too, sweetheart.” His caress of my cheek went unfelt. “Stay with me, don’t close your eyes. Don’t leave me baby, please don’t leave me.”

  As things grew darker around me it was as if I were floating in a dream, it wasn’t real. I would wake soon and it would all be just a silly dream. My surroundings became silent and peaceful. There was a soothing calm, no more fear.

  “No scared…” I told Gage, I hoped I had said it properly and that he understood.

  I closed my eyes.

  ***

  I sat in the waiting room outside of the Critical Care Unit of St. Thomas Hospital, wringing my hands while waiting for news on Tandy. I had been directed here by a sister and told only that she was in good hands and someone would come see me when they had word on her condition.

  In a worried state of panic I had relayed what I knew of her medical information and the specialist’s name in New York to the Doctor on duty. There was nothing more I could do but sit and wait. Not a patient man, I was going stir crazy. Each time the doors slid open and a nurse came in, my eyes would dart and she’d call out another’s name. There were so many worried faces, all strangers waiting for good news about their loved ones while I sat helpless and alone.

  My eyes fixed on the floor, images of Tandy collapsing before me ran in a continual pattern, like the reel from an old time movie stuck on replay, haunting me. I fought back tears, now was not the time to lose it, I needed to be strong for her. I wiped the damp line across my lashes and inhaled deeply.

  If only we had skipped that fucking ride, I told myself over and over, the guilt for suggesting it ripping at me, tearing at my heart. Plagued with regret, I willed time to reverse if only long enough to turn in the other direction on that bridge. To have just stood there for thi
rty seconds more. Thirty fucking seconds more! I closed my eyes and scrubbed my hands over the well-established five o’clock shadow on my chin.

  Doing the math in my head and trying to figure the time in New York, I surmised it to be late afternoon there. Not sure how to reach anyone in the States, I suddenly remembered the SD card from Tandy’s phone that she put it in her pocket. I needed to retrieve it somehow. After begging one of the sisters to sneak in and fetch it for me, I slid it into place in my phone and prayed it would work.

  To my relief it worked and I browsed through her saved numbers until I came across ‘My Henry Cell’ and ‘My Henry Home’, choosing home and dialing.

  “Honey, I’m so glad you called, we need to talk,” Henry rattled off.

  His happy banter had me wondering if I was doing the right thing calling like this, and then I thought of what Tandy would want. I butted in before he had a chance to say much more. “Henry, this is Gage Carter, Tandy’s friend.” I didn’t know what else to say or what to call myself. Boyfriend? Lover?

  “Hey, what’s going on? Where’s Tandy?”

  The last thing I wanted to do was break this kind of news over the phone, unfortunately I had no choice. An ocean parted us. My hands were tied. Tandy would want Henry to know. “I’m calling from St. Thomas Hospital in London.”

  “Has something happened to Tandy? She’s not hurt is she?” Henry asked.

  “Don’t know where to start,” I said, shaky and unsure. “Tandy is sick, she passed out when we were on the London Eye.”

  Henry was silent but I continued, knowing that Tandy hadn’t told Henry of her illness, I feared the man was going to lose it. Since Tandy considered him practically a father he had to know everything that was happening.

  “Look, she considers you her family but she’s been keeping a secret from you. I think she’d want you… I’m just going to say it.”

  “Okay, go ahead.”

  “Tandy has a brain tumor, she was scheduled to have surgery as soon as we got back to the States, but she’s taken a turn for the worse. The doctors are with her now. That’s all I know. I wish I could tell you more”

  “A brain tumor,” Henry recited. Shock in his voice was evident. “Where are you again?”

  The man was understandably in shock, I had just told him some devastating news, he was probably having trouble taking it all in. I remembered how I felt when Tandy told me and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Henry had to be feeling the same.

  “I’ll get on a flight as soon as I can.”

  “No, wait,” I countered.

  Tandy had suffered from so many episodes over the past few weeks and after taking her meds and a good nights sleep, she’d bounce right back. Raking my hand through my hair, I closed my eyes silently praying this would be the outcome. Meds and sleep and my Tandy would be back.

  “Stay put until I call with news from the doctors. I’ll call, I promise you.”

  “I should be there. She’ll need me, I’ve always been there,” Henry choked out. I could hear the grief, the panic and the tears flowing behind the tightness in his voice.

  “There’s always the chance this will turn out to be nothing. I’ll call you the minute I know anything.”

  “You do that, the minute you hear anything. I’ll be waiting,” he said, “and Gage?”

  “Yes.”

  “Tell her I love.”

  “You know I will.”

  ***

  As if to magically change time, I tapped the face of my watch repeatedly, it refused to move faster. John and Philippe sat huddled together on a nearby sofa. No one spoke. It was a merciless waiting game with no winners, just agonizing quiet.

  When the door opened, I jumped to my feet because this face I finally recognized from hours ago.

  “Mr. Carter, the doctor needs to have a word, if you will come with me.” Oddly, her Scottish accent entertained me, I could have listened to her all day.

  I looked over at John and Philippe. “Go we’ll be here.” John said.

  The doctor stood and rounded the desk, offering his hand in greeting. “I’m Doctor Loren, head of Neurology here at St. Thomas.”

  I gave a silent nod. Didn’t give a shit, I just wanted to hear that Tandy was okay.

  “Have a seat son,” he directed me, opening a file on the desk.

  “How’s Tandy? Is she…okay?”

  “I understand there is no family to speak with and since I am under obligation to the Hippocratic Oath.” He cleared his throat, “and you being her…fiancé?” He gave me a sideways glance and I nodded my agreement knowing exactly what he was saying. “I will share with you that Miss Manning’s condition is serious. As far as we can tell, she has suffered an aneurysm.”

  “She has a brain tumor,” I exclaimed, as if this well-educated brain surgeon hadn’t a clue.

  “Yes, she has a benign low-grade astrocytoma. We are more worried with another more crucial problem. We believe from the information you gave us and our test’s findings that Miss Manning is also suffering from high-altitude cerebral edema. The combination of the tumor, undue stress and high altitude caused her blood pressure to rise dramatically, causing swelling and pressure on the brain and bleeding. Did she mention being in pain at all?”

  “No. She never said.”

  “We need to operate as soon as possible. Doctor Travis is flying in from New York. He should be here by noon. My team and I will be ready to start when he arrives.”

  “What happens until then?” I asked, listening to the doctor and shifting my fears off to the side. I concluded with confidence that Doctor Loren was a professional. He would take good care of Tandy.

  “We keep her comfortable with medications and oxygen therapy, her body temperature has been lowered to promote healing,” he placed a hand on my shoulder. “I suggest you call family and friends and then get yourself some sleep. It’s going to be a very long day.”

  “Can I see her?”

  “I’ll make arrangements.”

  “Thank you Doctor Loren.”

  Philippe, John and I sat in the corner of the waiting room while I explained what was happening and would happen. They agreed to keep a vigil. Philippe would go back to the ship, pack us each a bag and get a room at a nearby hotel for the three of us. Even though I refused the idea of leaving the hospital for a minute, I humored them with a pact.

  “I need to make a few calls to the States and use the can, come get me if the nurse shows.”

  I splashed my face with cold water and looked in the mirror. My beard was heavier than usual. Blinking back tears, I sniffed when I thought of how much Tandy loved my scruff as she called it. Taking my phone from my pocket I hit redial.

  “Gage,” Henry snapped, “tell me she’s alright.”

  “They’re keeping her comfortable.”

  “What do you mean comfortable. Is she going to be okay or what?”

  “The doctors are going to operate sometime around noon.” Thankful for small mercies, I’d only have to say that a few times.

  “Noon. You’re five, six hours ahead of us?”

  “Henry, don’t worry about the fucking time, get your ass on the next plane, Tandy’s going to need you.”

  “Should I tell Mr. Manning?”

  With a clenched jaw I remembered the doctor’s words, undue stress. “I’d love to say no. Do what you think is best. I don’t give a fuck if I ever see that asshole again.”

  “I’m on the next flight. I’ll call when I arrive.”

  I nodded even though I knew I couldn’t be seen, but unable to say goodbye.

  Searching her list and finding the name I heard her talk of so often, I dialed.

  “I should totally hang up on you, bitch!”

  “Tess. My names Gage, I’m,”

  “What’s wrong? What’s happened to Tandy?”

  “Tandy’s in St. Thomas hospital in London.”

  “Oh my God.”

  Saying the words, repeating the story, wasn�
��t getting any easier. Tess hadn’t taken it at all well. She cried openly and was like a sponge needing to soak in every detail. She finally agreed to call Henry and try to get on the same flight with him, not about to be told not to come and I wasn’t about to tell her either.

  ***

  Thirteen hours later.

  Philippe had handed me an envelope he had discovered in Tandy’s things, my name addressed on it. Clamped tightly in my fist I stared off into the distance. The words haunted my thoughts as I sat waiting for news, any news that she wasn’t leaving me. Slipping the single page from the envelope, I reread each word for the fourth time.

  My darling Gage,

  If you are reading this letter, it means that I am gone. Don’t be angry or sad my love. Be happy knowing that what we shared were the happiest days of my life. You made me complete and for that, I thank you. I owe you so much. I can hear you telling me I owe you nothing, but I do, so shut up and listen.

  If not for you:

  I would not know what it is to love and be loved unconditionally. You gave me everything that I needed and more. I experienced more with you in our short time together than I have in my entire life.

  If not for you:

  I would have died a virgin and never have experienced the pleasure of your touch, your patience, your tenderness and demand. You made me feel desired, craved, lusted for and most of all loved and all for no other reason than for being me.

  If not for you:

  My last days would have been spent alone. I only knew being alone until you exposed me to a world of sharing, desire and need for another soul, that soul was yours.

  I love you and adore you, keep me in your heart but move on. Promise me you’ll find someone special and share who I know you really are, my surfer boy badass.

  One last thing,

  Tell my father thank you for if not for him, I never would have met you.

  Love You Forever and Always!

  Tandy

  With my jaw clenched tightly I wiped away a single tear that had seeped from the corner of my eye. I couldn’t lose it now. Tess stirred ever so slightly, enough to startle me.