Just Go

by Dauphin, M.

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I’m….” I want to tell her no, but something’s nagging at me. I need a shower and some coffee before I can properly decide about my future. “May I call you after I get home? I haven’t been there in days with everything that’s going on, and I’m currently driving.”

  “I need to know today, Ms. Ryder,” she clips, obviously not happy with me.

  “I’ll call you back. I promise. Thanks for understanding,” I say, then tell her goodbye before hanging up and sighing.

  What am I going to do? I love Adam, I’d love to stay with him, but he lied to me, he keeps things from me when he made it obvious at the start he needed the truth, and all of it. Plus, he’s been distant lately. Am I really the type of girl to put her future on hold because of a man?

  I get home and open the apartment door. I don’t see anyone, but I definitely hear our guests in Gabby’s bedroom. Shaking my head in annoyance, I really wish she could figure her shit out. I love her to death, but she’s not getting any younger, and these games she plays with both men and women get tiring to me. Especially living with the background noise. I start some coffee and look at the clock. Ten am. I’ll give myself a couple hours to decompress, then I’ll call Adam. I need to talk with him about everything before I call the woman back about the job.

  Once the coffee is done, I take my mug to the couch, staring out the window at the city around us. I really do love this city. I’m comfortable here. Everything and everyone I know lives here. Why would I want to leave and go somewhere less comfortable with no friends?

  I hear Gabby’s door open and pull a blanket over me to cover my bare legs. No reason to show anyone she’s with any goods they don’t deserve. A man walks out, fit, tanned, and sweaty. He walks directly to the fridge to grab a water bottle and on his way back he spots me.

  “Hey,” he says, confused.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Who… are you her girlfriend?” he asks, pointing to Gab’s room. I can’t help but laugh.

  “No. Just her roommate. Don’t worry.” I smile and he sighs.

  “Good. Whew,” he laughs. “So…. what’s your name?” he asks and leans against the wall. I can tell he’s flexing his muscles just enough to show me what he has, but I’m not interested. There’s a knock at the door, but the man standing in front of me isn’t taking his eyes off me. I stand up, having to slide past him, smelling the sex he just got done having with my roommate on him, to get to the door. “Mmm….” I hear him moan as he watches me walk to the door.

  “Pig,” I grunt under my breath as I swing the door open, not checking to see who’s on the other side.

  “Adam,” I say confused as to how he got in the building without buzzing and why he’s here in the first place. “What’s wrong?”

  His eyes go directly past me to the man standing across the room. The half-naked man that’s more than likely checking me out. The man that’s about to get a verbal lashing from the most influential man in Chicago.

  “Oh shit, you’re—” dude starts, but Adam stops him.

  “Take your fucking eyes off her,” he growls, then pulls me to my bedroom, shoving past naked man. I laugh when I hear a growl come out of him on our way past him.

  We get to my room and he slams the door behind me.

  “Who the hell is that, Annaliese?” He’s attempting to regulate his breathing and I have to laugh. I like the jealous side of him.

  “Gabby’s most recent fuck. The girl’s still in the room with Gab,” I say laughing at the look on his face.

  “She’s?”

  “Curious,” I answer smiling. “What’re you doing here?” I ask. He sits on the bed and pats it, inviting me over. I sit next to him, but he doesn’t touch me. Instead, he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands. His weird behavior worries me. He hasn’t said more than a handful of words to me since he got here.

  “What’s wrong, Adam?”

  He sighs and sits up, looking at me with sadness in his eyes.

  “You need to take the job, Annaliese,” he whispers and my heart sinks. Literally, it feels like there’s a massive boulder on my chest, and the immediate urge to vomit courses through me as his words sink in.

  “What?” I manage through the raging emotions that suddenly took over my body. “You’re telling me to leave?”

  “I can’t do this, Annaliese. You need to live your dream, and I need to focus on the company. Seeing Benton… what he went through… I can’t do that. I can’t turn into him,” he whispers, then stands up, pinching the bridge of his nose.

  “Adam, that’s not… that’s stupid!” I yell at him, standing to meet him. “You’re being a chicken shit, Adam. You’re a lying piece of shit if you think what we have here isn’t worth working for.” My body is shaking, and I’m so exhausted I feel like I could cry any minute now.

  “You need to take the job, Annaliese.” His voice is devoid of every emotion. There’s nothing there. “We have nothing, Annaliese. It was fun, but you need to go.”

  That’s it. That’s what breaks me.

  “Fuck you!” I scream hitting his chest, pushing him back until he hits the door. He doesn’t resist, he doesn’t look at me; he just stands there letting me hit him. His eyes red, face defeated.

  “Annie!” I hear Gabby yell from the other side of the door. “What the fuck, Annie?” she tries opening the door but with him against it, it’s not budging.

  “Screw you, Adam Callahan! I love you, you asshole. And I know you feel it too. You’re stupid if you think throwing this away is going to save you from fucking heartbreak,” I spit out. He gives me the saddest look I’ve ever seen on anyone, ever, then shakes his head.

  “Annaliese,” he starts but I don’t let him finish.

  “Go Adam,” I whisper through my tears.

  Asshole.

  “Ann—”

  “Just... go. Please. Just get out.” I push him aside and open the door for him. He gets one glance at a fuming Gabby and her two partners standing in the hallway, half dressed, and leaves without another word.

  “Oh God, Annie, what happened?” Gabby rushes in and wraps her arms around me before I collapse to the floor. “Get out!” she yells at the two people standing in the doorway watching the freak show. “Now!”

  They scurry to grab their things. Moments later, we hear the front door close. I’m so numb I can’t stand, so I don’t even try. We sit on the floor, her arms wrapped around me, and I cry. I let it all out. The anger from the lies, the anger about my father’s second life, the heartbreak that Adam could give up so easily on us, when I thought we really had what it took. I was stupid, and blinded by lust when I thought that Adam Callahan could really learn to love someone.

  “You’re gonna be okay, babe,” Gabby whispers, her head leaning on mine. “He’s an asshole.”

  “I love him, Gab,” I sniffle, sounding like a child.

  “Oh, Annie,” she hugs me tighter and I cry harder.

  Why does this hurt so bad? I’ve only known him for a month.

  “I need to get up, Gab. I have to call the lady back from St. Louis,” I say trying to stand on my own.

  “You’re taking the job aren’t you?” she whispers.

  “I have to. I need… I need out. Away for a while.” I’d rather not live with the constant reminder of what we had.

  “I’ll kill him,” she growls.

  “It’ll be fine, Gabby. You can visit, I’ll come home for holidays. And if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll move back.” I shrug and take a breath, moving towards my phone.

  “Wait. You really love him don’t you?”

  “I do,” I say, defeated. “But he… he’s not willing to feel the same. I guess.”

  “I don’t get it, Annie, but I’ll support you with whatever you do.” She stands and hugs me. “I’ll miss your ass, bitch.” She smiles sadly and I hug her back.

  “I know. Me too,”

  I grab my phone and make th
e phone call. She seems happy that I’ve decided to take the position, but I can’t find that feeling. It takes about an hour to get everything straightened out, but once the phone call is done, I have a one way flight out of Chicago tomorrow afternoon to St. Louis. And so begins my new, lonely life.

  That night I head over to my parents' house. I hate to leave on mad terms with my dad, but I’m not turning a blind eye to what he’s been doing. To what he did.

  “Hey, Annie!” he beams when I walk through the door, acting completely oblivious to my mood.

  “Father,” I clip, then hug my mother hello.

  “What brings you here, dear?” she asks, obviously not privy to the side of my father that’s manipulating and mean.

  “Uh… I got a job?” I muster a smile and she gasps.

  “That’s fantastic!

  “Congratulations my girl, I knew you could.” My father beams, like he didn’t force me out of everything good I had in this city.

  “It’s in St. Louis. I leave tomorrow,” I spit out before the words get stuck in my throat. My mom covers her mouth in a gasp and my father’s features tighten. I glare at him, barely holding back the words I really want to say

  “Ah, I see,” he says. “I would have thought—”

  “What? That I wouldn’t take a job so far away? Why do I get the feeling you set me up for this, Dad? Giving me assholes to boss around, warning men away from me my entire life, even Adam you scared away! Now you push this job on me, and job I didn’t even apply for, and you act surprised that I’m ready to get out of town. It’s…. you’re outrageous. And you make me sick with everything you’ve hidden from this family.” I’m growling by the time I finish. “Oh, and if I EVER find out what happened to Benton’s wife… what really happened… I’ll make sure you never see sunlight again.” I spit out, anger coursing through my bones.

  Knowing what I now know about my father, I wouldn’t put it past him to have her killed to prove a point to Adam.

  My mom’s crying by now and my father looks like he’s going to explode with anger.

  Go ahead, dear old Daddy, I dare you.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I can’t stay here, in this city, with everything that’s been happening behind our backs. I have to go,” I whisper, then hug her tightly, not sure of the next time I’ll see her.

  “I don’t understand, Annaliese. What’re you talking about?” she manages through her tears. I look at my father and raise my eyebrows at him.

  “I think that’s something that you and Dad need to talk about, Mom. I’ll let you guys know when I land safely tomorrow. I have to go pack,” I say, kissing my mom goodbye and pushing past my dad.

  The entire drive back to my apartment I let the tears roll, making a promise to myself that by the time I get home I won’t shed another tear over this. He isn’t man enough to live up to his word, my father is an asshole who’s been lying to my family all these years, and I’m about ready to uproot everything I know and move to a city to start a job I’m not certain I even want anymore.

  By the time I get home, Gabby has the boxes out and has already started packing. She’s blaring music and has a bottle of wine and tub of ice cream sitting on the counter, both already started.

  “Hey,” I say closing the door and setting my things on the side table nearby.

  “You don’t have to do that. I’m leaving most of it with you anyway, Gab.” I say walking over to where she’s started packing my things. “I’ll be back in a few weeks for my car, and I can get the rest then.”

  “I know, I know. I just… I have to help somehow. I have to do something. Sitting here in silence waiting for you to get back was depressing. So I broke out the good shit and started packing.” She shrugs and takes a drink of her wine.

  “Well, good shit it is,” I smile, taking her glass from her. “Come on, we need to pack my closet. I can’t show up in shorts and a tank top on my first day of teaching.”

  “Oh God,” she whines as we start picking out my clothes to pack. “You’re not gonna turn into one of those teacher styles, with cardigans and pants are you? Oh, Annie,” she whines and starts to laugh. “God, I can’t picture you as that! Please, bring skirts, and dresses, and, for the love of God, please take your heels.”

  I laugh as she lists off all the things I have to bring along, and before I know it she’s taken over packing my three suitcases full of the necessities. She grimaces when I tell her not to worry about the sexy underwear though.

  “A girl needs to feel sexy, even if her pussy isn’t getting any.” She laughs and throws them in the bag.

  Great, just what I need.

  Chapter 20

  Adam

  *Three Months Later*

  “Jesus Christ, A. Why don’t you just go after her already? You’re such a fucking idiot,” Benton grumbles sitting on my living room couch. Everywhere the man sits he acts like he owns the fucking place. He puts his feet on my coffee table like it didn’t cost me two thousand dollars, and kicks back, making himself at home while his daughter sleeps in the bouncer next to him.

  “Knock it off, B. I told you, it wouldn’t work,” I warn him with a sideways glance that I’m not about to talk to him about her.

  I can’t talk about her. It hurts too bad.

  To say he was pissed when he finally realized what I did is an understatement. It was about three weeks after Carly died that he finally put two and two together, and I wore a nice shiner for about two weeks after that.

  Did I deserve it? Probably. I was an asshole to her, and a pussy for telling her to leave.

  Do I love her still? Absolutely. Just thinking about her hurts. It’s like there’s a hole in my chest where her love for me resided, and when she left, the hole started growing, like a black hole. Taking all of my energy, passion, and care for anything. She fucking told me she loved me and I just stared at her. I still remember the massive blow to my heart when she spat those words at me. God, I can still feel her anger, her sadness, and each time I think about it, I fall deeper and deeper into this depression.

  I couldn’t tell you what’s been going on at Carson and Lewis. I’ve showed up for work, locked myself in my office, and played with stocks and under the table betting all day, every day. I’ve lost some money in the process, but it doesn’t bother me. I can’t find anything I’m passionate about anymore because the only thing I had true passion for is five hours away, living her dream.

  “Dude, seriously. You’re miserable to be around. I fucking lost my wife and don’t look as bad as you do,” he says in all honesty.

  He’s right. It took him a couple months, but he’s finally back to his old self for the most part. Maybe it’s the fact that he has a tiny baby to take care of now, or maybe the fact that the doctors finally put him on Prozac to help his mood swings, but I see a glimpse of the old Benton more and more recently.

  The baby starts to cry and he goes to her while shaking his head at me.

  “I don’t get you, man. You’d rather put yourself through misery every damn day, just so the chance of something happening to you like happened to me doesn’t come up. It makes no fucking sense.” He picks her up and starts gently bouncing her around to calm her. I smile at his actions. He’s got this fathering thing down.

  “One of these days your daughter’s gonna catch onto that language, you know,” I say as I watch him walk her around the room. “She’s gonna need to come to Uncle Adam just to get away from it.”

  That makes him laugh and smile.

  “Right, because you’re such a great role model. You push away everything you love and enjoy.”

  “I said drop it, man.” I sigh and stand up. “Aren’t you supposed to be going out tonight?” I ask, taking Hannah from his arms.

  “Yeah. I uh… I’ll be out all night. Probably won’t be back till tomorrow. My parents are picking her up in the morning. You sure you’re cool with her?”

  “Absolutely. We need to bond, right?” I ask her. She giggles and smiles at me. �
�She loves her Uncle Adam.”

  “Right. So then bottles are in the fridge, warm them up—"

  “I know, B. I’ve watched her plenty of times. Go… have a break from this. You need it,” I say, forcing him out the door. He kisses her goodbye and leaves us to ourselves.

  Nights like this have happened a lot lately, but I don’t mind it. I like the company of a baby, and Hannah’s one of the best babies I’ve ever seen. It took me seeing Benton holding her, looking at her with all of his love, to realize that going through with the adoption was exactly what he needed. The agency wasn’t too thrilled with it at first, and his parents are still skeptical, but he’s determined to prove everyone wrong.

  I put Hannah on a blanket on the floor and Thor comes barreling in the room to play with her. He’s surprisingly good with her, and she loves watching him. She’s started giggling recently, so watching her laugh at Thor is pretty much what we do when she visits. I never wanted kids, but seeing the bond that Benton already has with her makes me think that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

  The thought of kids brings me back to Annaliese, and how much my heart and mind miss her. I dream of her every night, and can still smell her on my pillows, even though they’ve been washed multiple times in the last months. I can’t stop jerking off to my memory of her because I can’t fathom putting my dick in someone else after I’ve felt what it’s like being inside of her. I miss her so much it physically hurts, and there are days I don’t even get out of bed. I thought it’d get easier after time, but it seems to be getting harder and harder as the days go on. The one photo I had of her on my phone was deleted when I heard she actually left town. I was pissed, but I had no right to be. She did just what I told her to do.

  I still remember the words I told her: There’s nothing between us.

  It hurts just thinking about it, so I don’t. Instead I watch Hannah every chance I get, I go out with my sister on the other nights. I’m certain she’s getting tired of me, but I need something to do, and fucking women randomly just doesn’t feel right.

  My heart still belongs to Annaliese.