Just Go

by Dauphin, M.

  I want to fix it; I wish I could, but too much time’s gone by. I said too many irreversible things to her.

  All I can hope is that she’s happy, because at least then I’ll feel like I made the right choice.

  “Hey, asshole,” my sister’s voice echo’s through the apartment.

  “Sorry, Hannah, you’re surrounded by foulmouthed adults,” I say to her in the baby voice I’ve adapted so well these last few months. She smiles and laughs which brings a hint of a smile to my face.

  “Dude, again?” my sister asks, walking to grab a drink before coming to the living room. “Don’t you watch her every weekend?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t care. I love this little baby,” I scoop her up and feel a small amount of warmth in my chest, knowing it’s the love I have for Hannah and nothing more. When her dad picks her up, the black hole will be back, I’m certain of it.

  “She at least makes you smile,” she grumbles taking a drink of her beer.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m fully aware of my mood lately, but I’ve been trying to act normal around my sister. Apparently it didn’t work.

  “You’ve been an… a… a meanie.” She gives me a smartass grin and cocks her head. “Ever since you let Annaliese go, you’ve been a different person. Someone who’s crazy depressing to be around.”

  “So why do you keep coming around, then, Bug?” I ask, exasperated that this conversation keeps coming up with my friends and family. “I’ll be fine without you.”

  “Whatever, jerk-face. You wouldn’t last a day without me or Benton here to bust your balls. And honestly, Mom and Dad put me on suicide watch, so you’re stuck with me,” she says and grins as I throw one of Hannah’s baby toys at her.

  “Not funny, Bug. I’m not suicidal,” I grumble, though at times I think it’d be easier than living with this regret every day. I’d never actually do it though.

  “Right. You sure have us fooled,” she scoffs.

  “Well believe it. Nothing’s gonna change, so you better believe it and start having a life again. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her, then head into the kitchen to make a bottle for Hannah.

  Feeding her, I watch her little fingers wrap around mine and smile.

  “You would’ve made a great dad, Adam,” my sister whispers as Hannah finishes her bottle. “You’ve been staring at her this whole time, like there’s nothing else in the world. You could’ve had that.” She shakes her head and mumbles something about me being stupid.

  “I still can, you know,” I whisper, not believing my own words.

  “Right. I know you. You don’t love often, Adam. Both times you’ve sent them away.”

  “Both? I never sent away Dianne. She did that on her own.”

  “I’m not talking about her, and you know it.”

  I do know it, but I choose not to think about it. Ever. It used to hurt, knowing the woman I broke up with to move to the city to start my own company ended up married, happily, with kids and never looked back. Now that I know the hurt I’ve caused myself with Annaliese, though, that pain doesn’t seem too bad anymore.

  “How do you know all of this, Bug?” I never told a soul about her.

  “Little sisters know things, Adam. I spent my childhood admiring you, watching you, and learning from you. I know love when I see it, and I never saw it again until you met Annaliese.”

  She smiles sadly at me and shrugs.

  “I know, Bug,” I sigh. “I know.”

  “So what’re you gonna do about it?!” she yells, which makes Hannah jump in her sleep and I give my sister the death glare before standing to walk Hannah back to sleep.

  “Nothing. There’s nothing to do little sis.”

  “Bull. It’s never too late, Adam.” She stands and kisses Hannah’s cheek on her way to the door. “I wish I could help you, big bro, but this is something you need to fix on your own. And you better damn well fix it. I’m tired of watching over your moping ass.”

  Then she makes her grand exit, leaving me with a sleeping baby and my own thoughts. Typically on alone nights, I drink myself to sleep to help numb the sadness, but not being able to do that tonight is going to suck. Majorly. I put Hannah in her pack and play and turn on the TV, trying to watch mindless shows to take my mind off of Annaliese.

  It’s stupid how mad at myself I am, and even more stupid how stubborn I am. I should’ve followed her. Hell, I never should’ve told her to go, but I did. And then I had the audacity to be angry when she actually left. The week after she left, I almost bought a plane ticket to go see her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. She probably hates me.

  Most nights I fall asleep wishing for one more chance to make it right. But she’s already given me all my chances.

  ***

  The next morning around ten, Benton’s parents come to pick up Hannah. Before the funeral I’d only met them a time or two, but ever since we’ve become pretty close. They’re actually down to earth—real people. Talking to them isn’t anything like talking to my own parents. Benton’s parents show real concern for a man that isn’t their own son. My parents just want me to get out of my ‘funk’ already.

  “Adam, you look tired. Was Hannah up all night?” B’s mom asks.

  “No, she slept great. I just… I don’t sleep well anymore,” I muster a smile for her and notice her sad glance she gives her husband.

  “Adam, can I tell you something without you being offended?” she asks. I nod and smile, waiting for her to give me too much old person advice I’m really not into.

  “You’re being an idiot, dear.”

  “An asshole’s more like it,” her husband grumbles.

  “Excuse me?” I ask, shocked they’d go there.

  “We know you care dearly, and strongly. You love our granddaughter like she was your own. You care for Benton like he’s your brother. Why would you put yourself through this agony of losing the one girl you love?”

  “It’s not like that,” I whisper staring at them like they’ve grown three heads. Why is everyone trying to get involved in my business lately?

  “We know it is, son,” Benton’s dad chimes in. “I did the same thing when I was younger.”

  “What? Did what?” I’m curious what they think I did to make myself so miserable.

  “Push someone I loved dearly, with my every breath, away because I was afraid.”

  He smiles and looks at Benton’s mom and I shake my head.

  “He did, you know,” she smiles at me. “But I wouldn’t let him be that stupid.”

  I take a moment to register what they just told me.

  “So you left her?” I ask his dad and he nods. “And you wouldn’t let him get away with it because you knew he really loved you?” I look at his mom and she smiles and nods. “It’s still not the same. I really hurt her,” I say. I’m not sure why I’m opening up to them, but it feels like therapy, finally able to get it all out. “I miss her like crazy, but I hurt her. Badly. She left because I told her to go. Because I told her we didn’t have anything together, when all I wanted to do was pull her in my arms and hold her. I wanted to tell her how much I love her, but instead I was afraid of ever losing her and going through what Benton went through that I ended up pushing her out of my life completely. And it….” I take a breath, forcing the lump in my throat down. “It really sucks,” I say, in half a laugh.

  The all-powerful Adam Callahan has completely ruined himself over a girl.

  My how the mighty can fall.

  “It’s not too late, Adam.”

  “Yes, it actually is.” I put my hands in my pockets and shrug. “Thanks for the talk, I appreciate it, but it’s been too long. I’m sure her hatred for me has just grown by now.”

  “Promise me you’ll talk to Benton about this, Adam. He’s worried about you,” she says and I nod.

  “Will do. You two have fun with this baby,” I say, escorting them to the elevator.

  I wish it wasn’t too late. I also wish people would stop te
lling me I still have a chance.

  I don’t. I used all my chances.

  Chapter 21

  Annaliese

  “Okay class, ten minutes of silent reading, then we’re moving on to math,” I tell my fourth graders. A few of them struggle to understand the concept of ‘quiet,’ which makes me have to pull out the ‘mean teacher’ voice, something I’ve had to pull out too many times to count in my three months at this job.

  I thought teaching would be more fun than this, but it’s so much paperwork, so much politics and making sure your paperwork is up to date and properly on display, that time spent teaching is shadowed by time spend preparing and worrying about being fired.

  Maybe that’s just my mood lately, too. Before Adam, I would have probably loved a job like this, but now I feel nothing for it. Sure, the kids are sweet. They smile, they laugh, they joke around like any other kids I’ve worked with, but I just don’t feel the joy in it anymore. I always thought this was something I wanted to do, but now that I’m here, it’s nothing like I imagined. I guess I thought it’d be a lot more glamorous, but it’s nothing like I pictured.

  “Ms. Ryder,” I hear through the school intercom. “You have a visitor. He’s very… insistent... on speaking with you,” Debbie, our school secretary says with a sigh. “I’m sending Arnie down to fill in for you.”

  “Thanks, Debbie.” I look at my children, all of which are staring at me like I have three heads, and smile.

  “You all be good for Mr. Arnie,” I warn. Some kids chuckle and others put their heads down. “I mean it, guys.”

  They’ve had it out for Arnie since he started here. Why fourth graders think being mean to someone that’s different than them is beyond me, but it’s so frustrating seeing them tease a grown adult behind his back.

  Once my class is settled and Arnie has taken over, I head down the hall and make my way to the office. I haven’t had any visitors in the three months I’ve been here. I haven’t left my apartment except to get groceries and go to work. Last week, my father sent Joe to check up on me, and he hasn’t left yet. He keeps telling me he’s milking my dad for all the paid ‘vacation’ time he can, but I feel like he has other motives.

  I make it to the office and through the glass I see a tall male figure with his back to me. My first thought is Adam, and my heart flutters, until I realize Adam isn’t nearly as built as this man. When he turns to talk to the secretary, I almost collapse.

  Benton.

  I’d remember that face anywhere, even if I only knew him for a few weeks. The pain he went through when he lost his wife is enough for me to never forget his face. It looks better, less stressed now. He looks through the glass at me and smiles. He smiles! What the hell is he doing here? I walk into the office and look at Debbie and she’s swooning over the tall, muscular man that’s gracing her office. Of course she is. I swear the woman would screw anything on two legs.

  “Benton. Hi,” I say walking over to shake his hand. He gives me a weird look then pulls me into a hug.

  “Hey, you,” he says pushing me back a bit to look at me. “You look just about as bad as him. Jesus,” he shakes his head and my eyes go wide when I realize what he’s talking about. I can feel my heart speeding up and my brain’s filtering out a ton of questions I want to ask.

  Now’s not the time nor the place.

  “What’re you doing here, Benton?” I put my hands on my hips and back away from him a few steps.

  “I need to talk with you. Debbie here says you have lunch break next, early ass lunch break if ya ask me,” he looks at her with a raised eyebrow. Probably because my lunch break isn’t for an hour. What’s she up to?

  “I… uh,” I stammer.

  “She does. Ms. Ryder, you and your guest can visit in the teacher’s lounge. If anything arises, we will contact you.”

  Thanks, backstabber.

  I smile sweetly at her and nod slowly.

  “Great. Follow me, Benton,” I grind out, pissed that all of this is happening at my place of employment. He couldn’t wait until tonight?!?

  We get inside the teacher’s lounge and I close the door tightly behind us.

  “What’s going on, Benton?” I sigh and sit on the couch, crossing my arms and legs, glaring at him.

  “You need to come home, Annaliese,” he states it as if he has the final say on things, which makes me laugh.

  “That’s not your call to make,” I tell him, still laughing. “You don’t know anything about this situation, Benton. I’m still trying to understand why you’re here, and how you even knew where to find me?”

  I’m on overload right now just seeing someone from my old life. I told Gabby that I’d visit, but it’s been three months and I can’t bring myself to make the five-hour drive. If I saw him with another woman, I’d be ruined. Not that I’m not already ruined, but that would be the nail in my coffin.

  “I know it’s not my call to make, but you have to see how miserable you are. Right? It’s not just me, right?”

  He can tell that from just a few minutes with me?

  “Is it that obvious?” I whisper, angry that I’ve let myself get this depressed.

  “One look, Annaliese. He’s just as bad. You two need each other. Why can’t you guys stop being so stubborn and realize that?” He sits at the table across from me. “You know, I knew the Carly was my one. I knew it the minute I laid eyes on her. Thinking back, I remember the first day Adam met you. He had that look, but I wasn’t looking for it. You made him a better person, Annaliese. Sure he’s an asshole, but that’s to be expected from someone like him.”

  “He told me to leave, Benton. I’m not sure how me doing exactly what he wanted is me being stubborn,” I huff. “Anyway, I can’t leave now, the school year’s already started.”

  “So you make the trip to see him. You guys do the long distance shit. Something. You look terrible, no offense, but Adam… he looks… like hell... horrible. He barely smiles anymore, and has been an asshole to work with. He’s hurting, Annaliese.”

  “Good,” I mumble. If I’m hurting, at least I know he’s right there with me.

  “You really hate him don’t you?”

  No.

  “That’s a strong word,” I whisper.

  “Then why don’t you give him another chance?”

  Chance. He asked me for one chance. I gave him more than that.

  I gave him my hear, and he stomped on it like it was a small, annoying bug.

  “He doesn’t want one, Benton. He was very clear about that.” My voice threatens tears and I close my eyes.

  “I call bullshit. We both know he didn’t mean it, and he’s just a pansy that didn’t want to take the risk of ever being hurt. He was hurting from the loss of Carly, Annaliese, and I wasn’t there to talk him out of the most idiotic decision he’s ever made. I’m sorry, but please. You gotta see how much you need him.”

  He stands and looks at me. I have no words. I want Adam more than I want sleep at night. I dream about him, I have nightmares that I’ll never see him again, I wake up in tears because he’s not next to me. Nothing in my life seems right, because he’s not in it. I stare at Benton, unable to form any words to respond to him. He walks to the door and turns to look at me, sadly.

  “Thanks for taking time out of your day, Annaliese. Think about it okay?”

  “Wait,” I stop him before he opens the door. He looks at me and waits. “How’d you know where to find me? I mean, it’s not that I was hiding, but I haven’t exactly made it known where I am.”

  “I’m not the only one in Chicago that’s noticed how pitiful you two are without each other. I’m not the only one left in that city that cares for my best friend….” He trails off and smiles at me. “I’ll be seeing you, Annaliese,” he says, then salutes me and walks out the door, closing it behind me.

  Fucking Gabby.

  I sit there in silence, stupefied that all of that just happened. Benton was really here, in my Podunk school, telling me… no, be
gging me… to come back to Chicago. All because Adam’s apparently miserable. If he’s so miserable, though, why wouldn’t he reach out to me? Why wouldn’t he tell me it was all a mistake?

  The logical part of me is telling my body to get up and move back to my classroom, pretending like nothing happened. The part of me that’s still madly in love with Adam is telling my body to book ass out of here and get the first flight to Chicago.

  Unfortunately, just like Benton said, I’m insanely stubborn.

  If Adam misses me, he’s going have to really prove it, and not send his best friend here to talk me into crawling back to him.

  I take the long way back to my classroom, ignoring the stares from the ladies in the office. I’d rather not have to explain to everyone why I’m not the ‘ray of sunshine’ that one of my professors from DePaul called me. I’d rather not have to relive everything that happened to practical strangers.

  By the time the school day is over, I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been working here. I spent the rest of the day worrying about Adam. If he’s really as torn up as Benton said, how’s the business fairing? How’s his health? I know I’ve been sicker these last three months than normal, just because when I get depressed I tend to get sick easier.

  I throw things in my bag, not even paying attention to the things I’ll need to grade over the weekend or the lessons that need written, and mindlessly make my way back to my apartment, forgetting about anything and everything. At least, trying to. Adam’s face keeps popping up in my mind, though, and it hurts every time.

  By the time I get back to my apartment, I completely have forgotten that Joe’s waiting for me to get ready for dinner tonight.

  Shit.

  “Hey, you. Everything okay?” he asks from the couch, where he was playing on his laptop.

  “No, Joe. Everything isn’t okay. I….” I take a good look at Joe and something clicks.

  My father sent Joe here. Alone. With no other reason than to ‘check up on me.’ Now he’s allowing Joe to stay in my apartment with me. Alone. That goes against everything my dad ever did.

  “Joe.” I narrow my eyes at him. “Why are you still here?” I ask.