Songbird

by Fristoe, Angela

  “I asked Lydia to bring you, because I needed to tell you...I'm sorry.”

  He actually looked sorry, but I knew it had more to do with the fact that he got caught and little to do with the fact that he had murdered Jace. Not that he would admit it. If he did that, Mama said, he wouldn't be able to appeal his sentence. I lifted my hands to the surface of the table, pressing them flat with tension.

  “I love you, girly.” He reached across the table to take my hand. The instant he touched me, I saw everything he had done. Not just the moment he took my brother away from me, but every little kick or punch he threw our way, every hateful word he said to us.

  I snatched my hand back.

  “Dani!” Mama scolded me.

  “I hate you.” The words came as a whisper. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

  His eyes widened at my words. Was he truly shocked? Or was this the same act he put on at the trial?

  “I hate you!” I screamed the words again and again, until finally the echoes obscured them.

  “Stop it! He's your father.” Mama rose to her feet and slammed her hand on the table.

  “He's a killer. He killed Jace.” I turned to the side and threw up onto the floor. Even after my stomach was empty, I continued to heave.

  An irritated guard approached. “Ma'am, you're going to have to leave.”

  She grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the door. She kept her steely grip on me, until we made it to the car. The painful bite of her fingers lasted long after she let go. The next week, Mama was too drunk to care that Carol had picked me up again.

  I let the image of Dad slip from my mind and pushed myself up off the floor. I couldn't forgive Dad, and I didn't want to. But Reece...I couldn't forgive him, because if I did then it meant being his friend again and I wasn't ready for that. Maybe I'd never be ready, but this would be less painful than ruining what was left of us.

  Three days later, I went back to school. According to Martha, I had been moping for long enough. I knew she was right. I needed to move on.

  When I got to my locker, a note stuck out of the bottom. I yanked it out and opened it.

  Dani,

  I'm sorry. I miss you.

  Reece

  I crumpled the paper and barely resisted the impulse to throw it to the ground. It would be so easy to give in, but I couldn't.

  “Dani,” Reece's voice came from behind me.

  I refused to acknowledge him. I opened my locker and reorganized the chaos I had left on Monday.

  “Where've you been? I was worried. Were you sick or something?” He wasn't going to let up.

  “Or something,” I said.

  “Did you get my note?”

  “Yeah, I got it.” I still held the crumpled ball of paper in my hand.

  “And?”

  Finally, I turned to face him and my heart melted just a bit. He looked lost, and I wanted to reassure him, but that would be going backwards. He wasn't ready to be with me and I wasn't able to be just friends, not anymore.

  I lifted my hand and pushed the balled up note into the center of his chest. “And nothing's changed.”

  “Come on, Dani...”

  I slammed my locker shut, then walked at a furious pace towards my class. He followed me, trying to talk, but was constantly interrupted by the flow of bodies between us.

  When I reached the classroom, it was to find the door closed and locked. The teacher hadn't arrived yet. Reece caught up with me as I prayed for divine intervention.

  “I miss you. I miss talking to you, laughing with you.”

  “I can't do it, Reece. I can't be just your friend.”

  “So that's it? I've stood by you for seven years, and now you're angry at me, because you want me to be someone I'm not ready to be?”

  “Excuse me,” a deep voice broke in.

  Both of us glanced sideways and saw Colin.

  “Get lost,” Reece snapped. “She doesn't want to talk to you.”

  “Well, right now it looks like she wants to talk to you even less.”

  Reece looked down at me questioningly.

  “I can't talk to you right now. Maybe...” I shook my head. “Not now.”

  “Whatever.” Reece gave Colin a fierce glare as he shoved past him then stalked down the hall.

  I sighed in relief. Not giving in to him was harder than I'd expected. I looked at Colin. “Thank you.”

  He nodded before walking away.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The morning began to blur, and every movement I made was surreal. I hadn't been to school a single day since meeting Reece without talking to him. Not the arguing we did that morning, but the real talking about our lives. When I went by my locker, I didn't linger hoping for a word with him. I shoved my books in and practically ran to avoid him.

  English class was where everything slowed down. Mrs. White had decided to pair us up for a writing project. We would work together to rewrite a scene from a play in a different style or dialect of speech.

  It would have been an amazing project if I'd been paying attention. Too bad I had zoned out that by the time I was aware of people partnering up there was only one person left. Colin.

  I made my way to Mrs. White. “Is there any way I can do this project on my own?”

  “I'm sorry, Ms. Mays, but if I make one exception then I have to make that exception for everyone. The idea is collaboration. Expanding what you perceive and understand about the literature and reconfigure it to meld with another's style and point of view.”

  I controlled the roll of my eyes. What she really meant was that she wanted half the papers to grade.

  “Guess you're stuck with me,” Colin said as I flopped back into my desk. I hadn't seen him coming up to me, but that seemed to be a habit of his.

  “Let's start.” I pulled out my literature compilation then glanced at the assignment sheet to see what choices we had. “Which play do you want to use?”

  “How about Much Ado About Nothing?” he suggested as he pulled up a chair, then sat, straddling it.

  I gave him a suspicious look. Was he somehow trying to imply that I was making a big deal about nothing? What he did to me? Or maybe about what happened between Reece and me? God, did everyone know about what happened at the dance? I surveyed the class attempting to read their faces, their thoughts.

  “What's wrong with that one?” he asked confused.

  “Nothing, it's fine. Great.”

  “You sure it's okay? We can do a different one. I just figured fewer people would choose it.”

  “Yeah, it's okay.” I studied his face before asking, “How did you know I didn't want to talk to Reece this morning?”

  He shifted uncomfortably. “I saw you guys outside after the dance.”

  I groaned in embarrassed horror.

  “Then on Monday when you guys were talking, I...”

  “You were eavesdropping?”

  “No! Yes, but not intentionally. I stuck around hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you. Afterwards, well I kind of got the idea that he wasn't your favorite person anymore.” He leaned closer to me. “I didn't say anything to anyone. I just didn't like the way he was harassing you today.”

  “Isn't that what you've been doing?”

  He at least had the good grace to blush. “I suppose, but I didn't want him to hurt you again.”

  Strange words coming for a guy who beat me up when I was nine. Was it possible he had changed? That's what I kept hoping Reece would do. If I could expect it from Reece, was it fair to assume that Colin couldn't have changed? My memory of the night he beat me up was hazy and always left me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to fill in the gaps.

  “Thank you for rescuing me today.” The words were grudgingly spoken, but I meant them. It was odd to have someone other than Reece there for me. Even weirder still to have it be Colin rescuing me from Reece.

  Colin smiled and said, “That's what I've always tried to do, Dani.” He flipped ope
n the compilation to the play we'd chosen. “Now, let's find a scene.”

  We spent the rest of class discussing which scene we were going to pick apart, before finally settling on the final act. The drama was too good to not do, and I knew Mrs. White well enough to know that she liked nothing better than drama.

  After the bell rang, Colin walked with me to my locker and we discussed how we would rewrite the scene. I was inclined to go for a ditzy girl style, while Colin wanted to do an urban style. By the time we reached my locker, we'd decided to mix the two together and use the differences to distinguish between the good and evil forces within the play.

  He leaned against Reece's locker and I stared at him. It had felt so natural to talk with him. I hadn't thought about what he'd done to me, or how I'd felt that night, and the pain and fear that had consumed me.

  He raised an eyebrow in silent question of my scrutiny.

  I shifted my gaze to the books piled in my locker. “Sorry, I just...”

  “You're wondering which me is the real one. The one you remember or the one standing here like a normal guy.”

  “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

  “What if I'm both? What if my actions back then were for a reason?”

  “I don't know. I can't think about it right now. I have enough to try and get through. What happened back then...I just can't.”

  “All right, but when you're ready to listen, to deal with this-”

  “I'll ask you.”

  He nodded, but his frown showed his disappointment. “When do you want to work on our project?”

  I thought about the absence of Reece over the past few days and our daily homework ritual. “Meet me here after school. We can work on it today at my place.”

  I walked away before he could answer. Maybe it was a bit spiteful of me to want him there when Reece would be there too, but I had to do everything in my power to make this break from Reece. If that meant using Colin, well, I was pretty sure he owed me that much.

  The cafeteria was already packed when I walked in. Any other day, I would have been struggling through the crowd to get to Reece's side. This time, I found myself an empty table on the far side of the lunchroom. The spot gave me a nice view of everyone, including Reece. He sat with his back to me, flanked by two girls. One was definitely Jenn.

  I shouldn't have been shocked. But when he put his arm across her shoulders, the small pieces of my heart that had delicately sewn themselves back together tore their fragile threads. My hands trembled and I dropped my tray onto the table, harder than I'd intended. Even in the noisy space, it echoed like a gunshot. Faces turned to me, including Reece and Jenn. I averted my face and sat down, attempting to act is if everything was normal.

  Gradually, the noise returned to its typical volume and I knew my little display had passed by with little notice from the majority of the student body.

  A few minutes later, Jenn appeared across from me. She slid on to the bench, and judging from her friendly smile Reece had yet to tell her what had happened.

  “Hey, what're you doing over here?” she asked.

  “Oh, the table's a bit crowded. I figured there wouldn't be room for me.” Now that I wasn't a part of Reece's parcel.

  “What are you talking about? There's always room for you.” She peeked over her shoulder then turned back to me. “Where've you been? Everyone was asking Reece if you were sick or something, but he wouldn't say. Is there something going on?”

  “We had an argument.”

  “You and Reece? But you guys are like best friends.”

  “Yeah, well, things change.”

  “What happened?”

  God, why wouldn't she drop it? I didn't want her to know about the kiss. Not that I thought she'd spread it maliciously but it was private, a moment that, despite the worst possible result, had been the sweetest moment of my life.

  “We decided to move on, and I really don't want to talk about it anymore.” Tears pooled in my eyes and I could see the swift draining of curiosity being replaced by understanding. She knew how I felt, so it wouldn't be a huge leap to figure out what happened.

  “I'm sorry, Dani. Was this because Reece asked me out? I mean, I thought you'd be okay with it. You said you'd be okay with it. Well, kinda.”

  I had said that, and at the time I'd meant them, but once I'd kissed him, once I'd known that he had those same feelings for me, I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't okay with it. Did I want him to be happy? Yes. Did I like Jenn and want her to be happy? Sure. But not together. I wanted him to be happy with me and that wasn't going to happen.

  “It doesn't matter if I'm okay with it, Jenn. Reece made his choice and I don't have any say.” I tried to keep the bitterness from my voice.

  “I really liked hanging out with you last week.”

  “I don't think that such a good idea anymore.”

  She stood up and started back to her table, then paused and looked back at me. “I'm sorry, Dani.”

  I gave her a half smile. I was so sick of apologies. That's what everyone seemed to do; rip you apart and then expect 'I'm sorry' to do triage.

  The rest of the day, I managed to go without having another chunk torn from me, and the days that followed established a pattern. Colin was at my locker each day after school to meet for our project and he threw Reece enough glares to keep him from trying to talk to me. A small spark in Reece's eyes hinted at jealousy, but mostly hurt. Maybe all he saw was Colin taking his place in my life.

  Two weeks after the dance, Colin and I walked to my house for our last work session. I hadn't forgotten what he'd done years ago, but I'd put it aside. There was something in me that had realized how different he was than what I remembered. My stomach still curled when I thought about it, but it wasn't directed at Colin anymore, it was the memory itself and the haze that was blinding me to something else that had happened.

  Once we'd settled in for our last round of edits, Colin asked, “Have you seen that new Ben Stiller movie?”

  “No, but I was thinking of going this weekend.”

  “Would you like to go with me?”

  “As friends, or like a date?” I could have sworn he blushed.

  “Either. I mean, if you want it to be a date, then yeah. But I know you... well, we could go as friends, I'd be okay with that.”

  It was endearing the way he was suddenly stumbling over his words. He always seemed to project that bad boy persona, the kind that begged a girl to clean him up. But I wasn't ready to date yet. Mentally I knew I should, but when Reece kept sneaking into my dreams at night, I couldn't.

  “I think friends would be best.”

  “If that's what you want.” His face dimmed for a moment before lightening up again. “So, you'll go?”

  “Yes.”

  I had to laugh at his pleasure. I'd just turned him down as a date and he was just happy that I was going with him.

  We made our edits and then worked together typing up the final draft. I snuck a look at him, and my insides cramped. It was a feeling that I'd stopped having with Colin, but there it was again.

  “You look like your father.” I didn't know where the words came from, but the cramping got worse the longer I stared at his profile.

  His jaw tightened and he practically jumped up from the couch, dislodging the laptop that rested on my knees.

  “Don't ever compare me to him! I'm nothing like him.” This was the second time he'd had such a violent reaction to the mention of his father.

  “You never talk about your family.” I laid the laptop on the coffee table and stood up from my comfortable seat on the couch.

  “For a good reason.”

  “Why? Your parents were always nice to me.”

  “How can you not remember?” he asked, desperate confusion filtered through his words.

  “Remember what?”

  “It's why I acted like I hated you. I couldn't let you stay there. He was going to hurt you. Just like he did Keri.”

  “No, yo
u're wrong.” I shivered as a chill crawled down my spine. Every hair on my arms stood up.

  “What do you remember about that night, Dani?” he asked.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, instinctively trying to block out the sight of him now, but only hurtling myself into the past.

  “What do you remember?” he asked again.

  “Lance and Donna were in the hall yelling. You stood in the corner. Then you attacked me. That's all. That's all that happened.”

  “Think, Dani. What happened before that? You have to face it.”

  My head shook violently and my entire body convulsed in rejection of what he was asking me to do.

  “What happened after you went to bed?”

  The haze I had wondered about lifted and I was nine again, freshly bathed and snuggling under the covers.

  The house was quiet and I could hear the sound of the furnace kicking in. Apart from Colin's personality shifts, I loved the Delaneys. Every day, Donna baked fresh cookies for us to eat after school, and Lance read me a bedtime story before bed, then gave me a kiss goodnight.

  Everyone was asleep but me. Lance had said he had a surprise for me later that night, but I'd have to be really good and couldn't tell anyone about it. I was so excited. I hadn't had a gift for a long time. I wondered what it could be.

  So caught up in listing all of the possibilities, I almost missed the sound of my door opening. No lights were on, and I tried to focus on the large dark shape moving towards the bed.

  “Lance?” I asked, excited to get my surprise.

  “Shhh.” He placed his hand over my mouth and leaned over me. “This is our secret. You can't make a sound, otherwise Donna will be angry with you.”

  My head moved up and down. I didn't want Donna to get angry with me. She would send me away.

  He took his hand away, but instead of moving back to give me something he moved closer. I didn't understand why, so I stayed motionless. Everything happened so quickly. He levered himself up onto the bed and pressed his weight on top of me. I panicked and tried to push him off me. He was heavy. I could barely breathe and struggled to gasp in even a small amount of air. He crushed his lips to mine and tried to force his tongue into my mouth. I gagged. He pushed off me in time to avoid the vomit that spewed from me.