Songbird

by Fristoe, Angela

  “So what happened, with you and Reece I mean?”

  “He took me to homecoming, because he couldn't get a date. Afterwards...well, some stuff happened, and I thought he finally felt the same way I did. But he said he wasn't ready and I told him I was done waiting.”

  “So, what was today about?”

  “He decided that he was ready.”

  “Come on, Dani...” he gave me an incredulous look. “You don't believe that's what's really going on, do you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We both heard him. His perfect little life is falling apart around him and he needs you to lean on.”

  “Reece's life has not been perfect.”

  “Yeah, poor boy has both parents, nice house, BMW...”

  Anger rose within me and I leapt to Reece's defense. “You don't know anything about his life, Colin. Don't judge him based off what you see.”

  “Fine, I'll lay off him. That doesn't change the fact that he's conveniently changed his mind just when things are getting rough for him.”

  My mouth opened ready to protest, to deny the possibility of Reece using me, but the words wouldn't form. Until the dance I'd trusted him implicitly, never believed that he would use me in any way that would hurt me. Could I say that now? I'd always been there for him, just like he'd been there for me. Now I was learning to stand on my own, maybe he needed to do the same.

  “So, what time should I be ready?” I asked, hoping Colin would just go with the change of subject. I couldn't talk about Reece anymore, not when I didn't know what was motivating him.

  “All right, I can take a hint,” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “We need to leave by five. So, I'll pick you up at four-thirty.”

  “Any hints?”

  “Wear sneakers.” He flashed me a smile as he swiped a segment of my orange. Popping it into his mouth, he mumbled, “And a jacket.”

  Before I could grill him anymore, he took off with a wave, calling back at me, “Four-thirty.”

  I gathered my things and went back to my locker, trying to put Reece out of my mind, to focus on my upcoming test, but his sad brown eyes haunted me. He needed someone to be there for him, but for the sake of my own sanity, I couldn't be that person. Not this time.

  Organizing my locker back into its orderly condition, I saw Reece approaching on my right. I quickly pulled out my books for my next class, planning on making my escape before we started arguing again, but he reached me before I could finish collecting what I needed.

  “Hey, I shouldn't have flipped about this thing with Colin. Will you have dinner with me on Saturday?” His hand raised and he brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. He looked so hopeful. It made what I had to say all that much harder.

  “I don't think that's a good idea.” I couldn't believe I'd managed to say the words.

  “What? But I thought...” His hand dropped limply to his side.

  “You don't really want to be with me, Reece. You need someone to lean on, to talk to. I'll try to be a friend, but I can't do more than that. Please don't ask me to do that. Not when you don't really want me.” The tears resurfaced and I struggled to keep them in.

  “I'd never use you like that, Dani. You know that.” Frustration reddened his face.

  “I don't. I don't know this side of you. Its different from the Reece I knew.” I stepped back from him, needing the distance to strengthen my resolve.

  “Just give me a chance. Please. Let me give you your gift and you'll understand,” he pleaded, closing the distance between us. He slipped his fingers through my hair, holding me gently.

  “I need space, time.” I shook my head and avoided his eyes.

  “How long?” His voice was thick with disappointment.

  “I don't know,” I whispered. “You used to say you'd love me forever,” I said, and pulled my eyes back to his. “If you really mean it then just let me think.”

  “Okay.” He let his hand slide from my hair and turned to his locker. Opening it, he shoved his books in while trying to keep a water bottle from falling out.

  Just like that. Okay. I watched him for a minute, waiting from him to say something else. Nothing.

  Eventually, I left him there, and headed to my class. Behind me, I heard a loud bang. I turned back and saw Reece leaning his head against my locker, his fist pressed into a dent. Every inch of me ached to go back and put my arms around him, to see him smile like he had that morning, but he whirled around and went in the opposite direction, giving me the break I needed to walk away.

  By four-thirty my stomach was rolling. I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I'd spent every second seeing Reece's face when I told him no. Frustration, even anger, I could have dealt with easily, but there'd been hurt there as well.

  I needed to get control of my thoughts before Monday, because I was pretty sure I'd bombed the test and was planning on pleading with Mr. Lister to let me retake it.

  The doorbell rang just as I was pulling on my shoes, and I leaned over from my seat on the footstool to open it for Colin.

  “Ready?” he asked, and came just inside the foyer.

  “Yep,” I said and tightened the laces on my shoe, then stood to grab my jacket.

  Within minutes were we on his bike, whipping through the streets towards the interstate. It didn't take long for me to figure out we were heading to Colorado Springs.

  “Where are we going?” I yelled, trying to be heard over the air rushing past us and the thick helmet he wore. He shook his head and I didn't know if he was he wouldn't tell me, or if he couldn't hear what I was saying.

  When we pulled off the freeway in the Springs, a sick feeling passed over me. I had an idea where we were going and as beautiful as it was, being there with Colin, especially tonight, seemed wrong.

  He wove the motorcycle along the road leading into the Garden of the Gods Park. We pulled into a parking spot at the front of the visitor center.

  “So? What do you think?” he asked.

  “It's beautiful here.” A lack of enthusiasm came through despite my intention to enjoy the evening.

  He groaned in disappointment. “You've been here before.”

  I nodded, not wanting to tell him that I'd come with Reece. A year ago, almost to the day, Reece had driven me down here for my seventeenth birthday.

  “I can't believe you've never seen the Garden of the Gods before.” Reece's amazement was obvious.

  “You say that like it's a crime.”

  “Once you see it, you'll understand.”

  We left in the early morning hours and made it to the park just before sunrise. We didn't stop at the visitor center, driving along the park road until we came to a pullout parking lot.

  “Come on,” he said, holding my hand and leading me up a steep bed of red rock. At the top was a massive boulder, Balanced Rock he called it. We sat in the shadow of the rock and watched the sunrise fill the sky with a magnificent show of reds and oranges. In the distance, the crescent moon was still visible as it made its journey behind the Rockies.

  Anyone looking at us would have thought we were dating. Reece's arm was around me and in that moment, I almost believed the illusion. Just for a minute, I let it be true. I rested my head on his shoulder, breathing in his spicy cologne.

  “I've got a birthday present for you,” he said, breaking the stillness of the air around us.

  “You gave it to me yesterday.” I already had the CD loaded onto my computer and iPod.

  “This is your real one.” He reached into his pocket then frowned. “Crap, I left it in the car.”

  “We can get it later,” I said, reluctant to move.

  “Let me run down there.” He stood up and I followed, not wanting to break the connection. “Be careful,” he warned.

  I rolled my eyes. “I am.” The words had only left my lips when I slid down two feet and twisted my ankle.

  “Ahh!” I fell to the ground as fire spread from my foot to mid-shin.

 
“Are you okay?” he asked, pulling up my jeans to see my ankle.

  “Don't touch it!” I yelled when his fingers glided over my skin.

  He pulled his hands back. “Okay. Can you feel your toes? Move them?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” I wriggled them experimentally. “Yeah.”

  “I'm going to get help. If it's broken we should call an ambulance.”

  “No, don't leave me! Please. Just give me a minute and I'll be fine.” I didn't want to be alone, especially out in nature. Despite being in the middle of Colorado Springs, the park was full of wild life. Wild life that I was sure would find me a tasty meal.

  He sat beside me for nearly twenty minutes before I felt sure my ankle was better. I stood up, feeling the pain and swelling against my shoe.

  “Here,” he said, presenting me with his back. “Jump on.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck, and lifted my legs up as his hands grasped my thighs. The piggyback ride to the car wasn't long enough. Even with my throbbing ankle, I could enjoy the feel of his body pressed to mine.

  He placed me in the car and then ran around to his side. “Do you want to go to the emergency room?”

  “No, just home.”

  “Are you sure? What if it's broken?”

  “Trust me it's not. I've had a broken ankle before.”

  “All right.” He looked doubtful, but took my word for it. He shifted into drive and headed back to the main road.

  An hour later, we pulled up to the house and I unbuckled my seat belt. He reached into the center console, digging around, searching for something.

  “Thanks for taking me, it was gorgeous.”

  “Maybe we can go next year, too.”

  “You're the best friend a girl could have.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek. His searching stopped and he gave me a slight smile.

  “Thanks.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but he got out of the car and came around to help me into the house.

  He was already gone when I remembered the birthday present that had initiated the fall. When I asked him about it the next day at school, he said his dad had taken it out of the car and he couldn't find it.

  The sudden lack of noise brought me back to the presence. Colin had turned off the bike and had twisted around to look at me.

  “Shit,” he said.

  “What?”

  “You came here with Reece.”

  “Why would you think that?” Great question. Like that didn't say everything already.

  “You go into this happy little dream world and get this glazed over look in your eyes.”

  I thought about the sometimes horrific things I saw when I was in that so-called happy little world. “It's not all happy.”

  “But you did come here with Reece?” he pressed.

  “Yeah, last year.”

  “When last year?”

  “For my birthday.” I didn't want to tell him, but knew he'd be hurt if he found out later that I'd lied.

  He didn't say anything, just put his helmet back on and started up the bike. Fifteen minutes after leaving the park, we pulled into a movie theater.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  What had promised all week to be a fun and exciting outing had turned into a disaster. The entire movie, Colin sat tense beside me, his frustration burning through the sleeve of my sweater as our arms brushed. I wasn't sure exactly why he was so upset. I knew that he and Reece hadn't hit it off, mainly due to Reece's protectiveness of me when I'd been so scared of Colin, but this was something more. Did he think what we had was more?

  I sneaked a look at him from the corner of my eye. The darkened theater made it hard to read his expression, but what I could make out was lined with annoyance. He'd obviously spent a lot of time planning what to do for my birthday to make it special. I knew that it was sick, but in a way, I could see the humor in it. Both Reece and Colin had taken me to the same place for the same reason. Maybe that was the real reason they didn't like each other, because they were too alike.

  People shuffled from their seats and, looking at the screen, I saw the credits rolling. Colin sat frozen in his seat, his eyes staring straight ahead.

  “Ready?” I asked.

  “Huh?” He turned to me, awareness of where he was settling on his face. “Yeah, let's go.”

  Our conversation out to the parking lot consisted of my words and his grunts. By the time we reached the motorcycle, I'd given up. Reece's accusations about Colin's interest hovered in the back of my mind. With each mile we drove, the more I found myself dismissing it. Reece was looking for a way out. Maybe it wasn't a conscious thing, but the more I thought about it the more sense it made that he was scared and lonely. Being with me was a way of escaping his problems.

  We pulled up to the house and climbed off the bike. Colin gripped my hand as we passed through the gate, and I enjoyed the human touch. Reece had always been holding my hand or wrapping an arm around me. For the longest time I'd dreamt that it meant more than friendship, but I'd accepted the futility of that wish. Now Colin was presenting me with that same connection. It was another filling in the gap Reece had left in my life.

  When we got to the door, I pulled away from his hold, taking my keys from my pocket. Reece still had a key. I should mention it to him, maybe ask for it back, but I didn't want it back yet. Taking it now would mean completely shutting him out of my life.

  The sun had long since disappeared and the cloudy night made for a gloomy evening. Perfect fit with Colin's mood. I unlocked the door and turned to say goodnight.

  “Thanks for taking me...out.” As much as the memory of my last birthday had made me ache for Reece, I had enjoyed the movie and the ride.

  “Dani...”

  “I'll see you Monday.” I moved to pull the door open, but his hands on my arm stopped me.

  “Aren't you forgetting something?” His smile made every doubt Reece had planted in me about Colin's intentions flare to life.

  Before I could respond, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were firm and he smelled of warm spices. When I didn't pull away, he pressed closer and deepened the kiss. If I really wanted to move on from Reece, wasn't this the perfect way? Knowing that Colin wanted me not for the fact that he was lonely, but for the real me, was a heady thing.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on every sensation that poured through me. What I found lurking in my heart was nice. That was it. Nice. His kiss was nice. His hands on my hips were nice, but there was nothing else.

  I wanted to scream and shout, to kick myself in the ass. How could that be all I felt? Colin was a high school girl's secret crush. The bad boy with the motorbike, who underneath the rough facade was sweet and every father's dream.

  Frustration drove me to kiss him back. I raised my hands and linked them at the nape of his neck, trying to feel something other than nice, but with every skim of his hands along my back, every breath that flowed between us, I thought of Reece. It hadn't been nice with Reece. Reece's kiss had set off every nerve in my body, it had overwhelmed me and caused my skin to tighten and heat up. Reece's kiss had been anything but nice.

  We broke apart and I stared at Colin's face. Nice was good, right? It could be enough.

  “Damn it,” he whispered fiercely. His hand lifted to my cheek and wiped away a tear I hadn't even known had fallen.

  I laughed nervously, “I don't know where that came from.” I swiped at my face trying to erase the evidence.

  “That was...” I let my voice trail off not wanting to say it.

  “Nice?” His mouth turned down on one side. He took my silence for agreement. “Not exactly what I was hoping for.”

  “I'm sorry. Maybe it was just...I mean...” I had no idea of what to say to make this right, to fix things and put them back to the way they were yesterday. Is this how Reece had felt after the dance? The pressure to make me happy, despite his own feelings?

  “Forget it, Dani. Don't worry about it.” He shrugged and gave me a sheepish smile. “Not
the first time I kissed a girl who said it was nice. Guess that's better than disgusting.”

  “It wasn't! I promise. I just-”

  “Don't say it.” He held a hand over my mouth.

  “Say what?” I mumbled behind his palm.

  “That you love him.”

  I wanted to tug his hand away and admit it, get it out into the open, but the pleading in his eyes stopped me. Those words were better left unsaid.

  “I'll see you Monday.” He bounded down the steps and ran for his bike.

  I waved and watched him disappear down the street. I just stood there letting the cool evening air awaken my senses. I was an idiot. What the hell was I doing? So it was nice. That's better than being alone.

  Alone. Alone like Reece was. How could I judge him for wanting to have someone when I was considering doing the same thing to Colin?

  I forced myself to go inside and shut the door behind me locking it automatically, a habit formed during my times living with Mama.

  My back sagged along the door and I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes. Images of Reece and Colin raced through my mind. At times, it was almost impossible to separate them, and at others, they were so starkly different I couldn't imagine how I ever thought of Colin as replacing Reece.

  Just as I started for my room, the phone rang. I ran to grab it. At almost midnight, Martha and Paul were already in bed. Having them wake up wasn't how I wanted to finish my night.

  “Hello?” I said. Silence.

  “Hello?” I repeated. When there was still no reply, I hung up the phone. Maybe there was a bad connection, or a wrong number. Before I'd even gone two steps, the phone rang again.

  “Yes?” I asked impatiently, glancing up the stairs to see if the ringing had woken Martha or Paul.

  Again, the person on the other end didn't say anything. I didn't bother asking a second time. I moved to put the receiver back, but just before I set it down, I heard a voice that sent terrifying shivers down my back.

  “Dani.”

  I slammed the phone down with a trembling hand.