Songbird

by Fristoe, Angela

  “That's why I couldn't be with you. I wasn't ready to be that perfect. I thought last week...” He shook his head as if clearing the memory from his head, then met my eyes again. “I don't think I'll ever be perfect enough, Dani.”

  He went towards Gregg's room, pulling a new gown and set of gloves and mask from the cart. How had this happened again? One minute we'd been talking about his brother and then all of a sudden he was accusing me of putting him on a pedestal with Jace. I watched him prepare to go back into the room. Every movement he made was short and choppy, not the normal fluid motions he usually used. He was right. I did hold him up to the same standard as Jace set. But Jace hadn't been perfect.

  Jace was throwing dishes in the sink, trying to hide the split lip that was swelling even as I watched. I could hear Mama in the bathroom running a bath. A bath always soothed her after one of Daddy's tirades. I'd been lucky this time, hiding in my closet until he stormed out the door.

  “Does it hurt?” I asked.

  “Leave it alone, squirt.” He was angry.

  “Why don't you hit him back? You're almost as big as he is, Jace.” I waited for him to explain, but he ignored my questions. “You should do it. Hit him back.”

  “Shut up, Dani. You don't know what you're talking about.”

  “I do so. You let him hit you and Mama and you let him hit me. Why shouldn't you hit him back?”

  “I said shut the hell up!” He spun around his hand raised in an all too familiar fist. Fear overwhelmed me and I instinctively flinched from him, raising my hands to cover my face.

  But the blow never fell and I gradually lowered my arms. Jace was standing there, horror draining his face of blood.

  His hand dropped to his side and he stared at it in revulsion. “Oh my God, Dani...I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't - I'd never...” He sank to the floor as tears trickled down his cheeks.

  “It's okay, Jace.” I sat down beside him, laying my small arm along his back.

  “I don't want to be like him, Dani. I don't.” Fear filled his words.

  Jace wasn't perfect, but he was the best brother. Reece wasn't perfect either, but I could live with that. I could still love him.

  He was still standing outside Gregg's room, tying the mask behind his head.

  “Reece!” I called and waited for him to turn around. “I'll love you forever.”

  He stood there a moment before stepping back and opening the door to the room. He was gone without a word and I wondered what expression the mask had hidden.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Colin was sitting at a small table near the back of the cafeteria, a can of coke in his hand and his cell in the other. I slid into the chair across from him silently, so I wouldn't interrupt his conversation.

  He rolled his eyes at me as the person on the other line went on and on. Finally, he cut in, “I'll be home by seven, Mom. Bye.” He snapped the cell shut and slipped it into his jacket pocket.

  “So, did you guys kiss and make up?” His tone was light, but I could hear the currents of sadness underneath.

  “Yeah- no... Kind of.” How could I explain the conversation?

  “What is it with you guys? You want him. He doesn't want you. Then he wants you, but you don't want him. I feel like I'm in the middle of a freakin' soap opera. You don't have any teenage children who are going to move in with you, pretending to be your sister, all the while trying to seduce me, do you?”

  I laughed at his attempts to lighten my mood. “No, but it's interesting how much you know about soaps.”

  “Well, you know my mom; she loves that kind of stuff.”

  “Um hum, yeah right.”

  “So, spill it.”

  Up until this point, I'd only told Colin bits and pieces about my friendship with Reece, now I wondered if telling him might help me figure things out.

  “I guess everything comes back to my brother Jace, at least Reece seems to think it does.”

  I spent the next thirty minutes telling Colin about my life before and after my time with his family.

  “It sounds like you let Reece take Jace's place,” Colin said after I finished my story.

  “In a way he did. Jace was my protector and he never hurt me.” But he almost did a voice inside me whispered.

  “And Reece did?” Colin fiddled with the tab of his coke, wriggling it back and forth until it snapped off.

  “Yeah, he did.”

  “Have you considered that you've hurt him?” He dropped the tabs into the empty can then swirled it around, listening to the tinkling as the tab hit the interior edges.

  “What do you mean? And I thought you were on my side?” I snatched the can away from him, drawing his eyes up to mine.

  “I am on your side. That's why I'm still sitting here. Do you really think I want to hear about how you've been in love with this guy for years?”

  Crap. I really was a horrible friend.

  “I'm sorry, Colin. I shouldn't have-”

  “Look, you didn't do anything wrong. We kissed each other to see if we could be anything more and you found out you couldn't. That's it. Was I disappointed? Hell yeah, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Just like it doesn't make Reece a bad person that he's scared he won't live up to your expectations.”

  “But why would he think that?”

  “Come on, Dani, you can't think of something you said that made him think you expected him to be perfect? To be just like Jace? Like a brother to you?”

  I leaned forward with my elbows on the table, letting the heels of my hands dig into my eyes. If I was going to be honest with myself then I knew exactly why he thought that.

  Three months after our Valentine's Day dance, Melissa dumped him again.

  We were walking home from school when she pulled up next to us. A year older then us, she had not only a driver's license but a red convertible, too. Must be nice to have rich parents, I thought.

  “Reece, can I talk to you? Privately?” She threw me a dirty look. I knew not everyone would like me in life, but I had no idea what I'd done to make her hate me so much. It couldn't even be blamed on me going to the dance with Reece, since she hated me long before then.

  I walked a few feet away, giving them a bit of privacy. Most likely, Reece would tell me everything after anyways. I missed the entire first half of the conversation, but the rest came to me in snippets as their voices grew.

  “...with her every day.” Melissa gestured to me.

  “I...a friend.”

  “And I told you it's me or...”

  “Fine.” Reece yelled the last word and stomped back to me. Melissa threw me one more stabbing glare before getting in her car and speeding away.

  “Let's go.” He started walking and forced me almost into a jog to keep up with him.

  There was no way I was going to ask what they'd fought about, especially since I had a sneaking suspicion it had a bit to do with me. We were halfway through homework before he started talking about it.

  “She broke up with me.” Not quite the way I remembered the scene, but he was obviously letting her save face.

  “Did she say why?”

  “Apparently she thinks we have some kind of thing going on.” He glanced at me from the corner of his eye and I tried to act natural.

  “We? As in you and me?” I asked, pretending I needed clarification. He nodded. “Oh well, that's ridiculous.”

  “It is?”

  My heart thumped madly. Chill, Dani. “Yeah, I mean, you remind me so much of Jace, you're practically my brother.”

  “Right, yeah.” He gave a small huffing laugh, then began picking up his books. “I've gotta get home early. Dad said he's taking us out for dinner, so I need to make sure I'm ready.” He was gone before I could even process his sudden decision.

  I only imagined the hurt in his voice. Hadn't I?

  I pulled my hands from my eyes and glanced at Colin. My head dropped onto the table, and I groaned with frustration. How stupid was I? Either I was stupid
back then and totally missed a sign, or I was stupid now for having thrown away any chance at him developing those feelings.

  “How bad?” Colin asked.

  “I told him he was like a brother to me,” I said, ignoring Colin's slight chuckle. “But that was years ago.”

  “Doesn't matter. You compared the dude to your dead brother. He isn't gonna forget that.”

  “You really think that's what all of this has been about?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “So, how do I fix it?”

  “I have no freakin' clue. Sorry.”

  I lifted my head to glare at him. “You're enjoying this.”

  He gave an evil grin. “Just a bit. Oh, come on, Dani. Even you have to admit that it's kind of funny. The two of you panting after each other for years and never even realizing it? That's a soap story right there.”

  “Should I go and talk to him?”

  “I'd give him some time. You can always come back tomorrow.” His words made sense, yet I still debated internally before giving in to his idea.

  By the time we left the hospital a gentle dusting of snow was coating the roadways. The snowstorm they'd been predicting for three days had finally arrived. The front yard was completely white with the large fluffy flakes.

  “I'm gonna head home before the roads get bad, but I'm coming back tomorrow for some of that pecan pie,” Colin said as I climbed off the bike.

  I waved him off and then went inside. Curled up on the couch, Martha and Paul were watching the Macy's parade that they had recorded earlier in the day.

  “How was Reece?” Martha asked.

  “He was okay. Gregg's having a hard time with everything, so Reece didn’t want to leave him alone for long. I'm going upstairs. Oh, Colin said he was going to come over tomorrow for some of that pie.”

  “Well, there's plenty left in the fridge dear,” Martha said.

  I was halfway down the hall when I heard Paul call my name.

  “Yeah?” I yelled back.

  “Someone called for you. Very strange. They just said your name, then when I said you were out, they hung up.”

  “Thanks.” A chill crept along my back. I went into my room, closing the door behind me. I flung myself face down across the bed, letting my feet dangle over the edge. Tomorrow I'd tell Colin about the phone calls. Maybe he'd have an idea about who it was.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  In the perfect world, I would have gone to see Reece when I woke up the next morning, but I was all too aware of the fact that it wasn't a perfect world. The snowstorm that had started out so gently the night before had continued throughout the night and almost a foot of snow blanketed the neighborhood.

  Colin called around ten to say his bike was out of commission until the roads cleared, and Martha and Paul decided it was safer for me to wait for the snow to melt before I started driving all over town, since I didn't have the best driving record.

  All weekend I sat at home, alternating between watching movies with Pau,l and avoiding Martha and her basket full of scrapbooking materials. I tried Reece's cell a few times, but he must have been in the hospital with Gregg, because it went straight to voicemail. Instead, I left generic messages, saying I'd just called to say hi. I was such a wuss.

  Only two good things conquered the suffocating feeling of being snowed in. The first was that there weren't any of the freaky phone calls. I hoped that they had stopped for good, but I wasn't betting on it.

  The second reason had to do with the Tylers. Despite telling Reece to call them, I knew he wouldn't. He had too much pride to ask them for love and support. I, on the other hand, was more than willing to call them and even lie if it got them to come home.

  Sunday evening, I dug through my address book and found two business cards, one for his dad, and the other for his mom. I called his mom first.

  “Hello, Mrs. Tyler? This is Dani, Reece's friend.” I tried to control the tremor in my voice. I really hoped she'd believe what I had to say, but more than that, I hope she cared.

  “Yes, of course. What did you need, dear?”

  “You need to come home.”

  “And why's that dear?”

  “Gregg's in the hospital,” I explained. Maybe the truth was enough.

  “Yes, I know and your point would be…?”

  My anger boiled over. How could she not care?

  “You're being a selfish bitch. Gregg is dying and you've left Reece alone with him to deal with it. Don't let them do this alone. Please.”

  There was a long pause on the other end. “Gregg…Gregg is dying?”

  “What do you think happens when a person has leukemia?” Okay, so a lot of people survived. I wasn't going to tell her that. “Come home. For Gregg. For Reece.”

  I slammed the phone down with a shaking hand. I couldn't believe I'd done it. Hysterical giggles erupted from me, covering the fear I had that she wouldn't come, followed immediately by tears. What was it about some women that they had children, only to abandon them to face the harsh realities of the world?

  I gazed at the phone, remembering the first time Mom abandoned me.

  “I don't feel good,” I said to Ms. Palmer, my second grade teacher, holding my stomach. She rested the back of her hand to my forehead then my cheeks.

  “You do feel a bit warm. Let me get you a pass for the nurse.”

  I wobbled to the nurses' office, my stomach feeling as though someone was on the inside, trying to punch their way out.

  I threw up the instant I entered the nurses' office. My eyes closed and I relished the immediate, but all too brief, moment of relief from my churning stomach.

  When I finished retching, she had me lay down on the cushion-covered bench, fussing over me with a thermometer, and wet cloth to cool the fever raging within me. She left repeatedly to go to the phone, yet always came back.

  “Do you know where your mother works, sweetheart?” she asked, holding the phone in one hand.

  I shook my head and instantly regretted the movement. I rolled sideways to hang my head over the edge of the garbage can she had placed beside me. Every muscle tensed then released until only bile came up.

  Three hours later, I was dry heaving with a fever of one-oh-two, and Mama still hadn't come for me. The nurse left message after message on the answering machine. I wanted to tell her Mama wouldn't answer, but that would require telling her why and I knew better than to tell someone Mama was probably passed out. I did that once with Daddy and ended up with bruises all down my arm.

  Eventually an ambulance came and I was taken to the hospital. Everything blurred as I was poked and prodded by the EMTs, then poked and prodded by a series of nurses and then again by the doctor. When I finally feel asleep in the hospital bed, Mama still hadn't come. It took two days for her to notice I wasn't around, mainly because she wasn't around. She'd holed up in some friend's place, smashed while I was being treated for the stomach flu and a serious case of dehydration.

  When she showed up, it was too late.

  That was the first time I met Carol, who was assigned to be my caseworker. That meeting began my life in the foster care system. For the most part, I was lucky. Apart from my stay with Colin's family, the homes I'd lived in had been nice and clean and my foster parents caring. Which was more than I could say for the Tylers.

  I reached down for the phone, intent on calling Mr. Tyler, when it rang. I automatically picked it up.

  “Hello?”

  “Dani.” It was the voice, only this time they didn't hang up. I could still hear them breathing.

  “Who is this? What do you want?”

  “Slut. Whore.” The line went dead and I wished they had hung up like usual.

  Maybe I was being stupid for not mentioning it to Martha and Paul before, but really it was just some phone calls and until that one, none had even been harassing, but this time the voice had my skin crawling. That night before I went to bed, I told Paul.

  “I've been getting some strange phone cal
ls,” I said, sitting down in the recliner opposite him.

  He glanced at me over the rim of his gold-rimmed bifocals. “Strange how?”

  “They just say my name and then hang up. They called earlier, but this time they called me names.”

  “How long has this been going on?” Off came the glasses. He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward in his seat.

  “A few weeks,” I admitted, avoiding his eyes.

  “Dani,” he sighed and shook his head.

  “I didn't want to worry you guys. Besides, they weren't threatening or anything. I was trying to figure out who it is, but I can't place the voice. I can't even tell if it's a man or woman.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, hearing the voice echo in my head.

  “You don't think it might be your father? Or even your mother? I know the last time you talked with her you had a pretty big blow up.”

  “No, it's not my parents.” They had no reason to call me those names. Not that I thought anyone else might either, but Mom and Dad didn't play those kinds of games.

  “Well, I'll call the phone company tomorrow about changing the number. Until it's changed don't answer the phone.” He pushed out of his chair and headed to the kitchen. As he passed by me, he dropped a kiss on my forehead. “Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.”

  I went to bed that night anxious to get to school in the morning. I needed to make sure that Reece and I were okay again. We'd been going in circles, but after my talk with Colin, I felt like I finally understood what was happening to us.

  The sound of the phone ringing woke me the next morning. I rolled over to check what time it was. My alarm clock glowed brightly in the darkness. I had another ten minutes, but the insistent ringing of the phone pulled me from the warmth of my nightly haven. I padded down the hall to the kitchen, wishing for the millionth time Martha would break down and buy another set for upstairs, then maybe they could be dragged out of their comfy beds at five-thirty in the morning.

  I reached for the phone, then stopped, remembering Paul's order not to answer the phone. I glanced at the caller id. Unknown. I drew my hand back, automatically thinking it was the caller.