by Noelle Adams
She swallowed hard. “Never.”
“So?”
“So I’m sorry. But this is a weird situation for me. I’ve never had a relationship like this before. Maybe you have just sex all the time, but I—”
“I don’t have just sex all the time. I’ve never had a relationship like this either.”
Her heart was doing something very odd. Very silly. It was fluttering wildly in her chest. “Oh. Okay. Then you should understand. How was I to know whether TV watching was a legitimate part of a relationship like this?”
“It is,” he said with a smile twitching on the corners of his mouth. “And so is anything else you want.”
Oh God. She liked the sound of that way too much. Far too many ideas sprang into her mind at the words.
“Oh. Okay.” It was what she’d said just a minute ago, but she couldn’t think of anything else. She wasn’t used to feeling this way—like her insides were out of control.
Why was she like this? And over such a simple, meaningless conversation?
“We’ve always had more than sex between us.”
Her breath hitched. She wasn’t meeting his eyes. “We have?”
He cupped her cheek fully, raising her head. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”
Friends.
Friends.
Of course they were friends. They always had been. And now they were also having sex.
They weren’t in love.
They weren’t going to have a future together.
Ward had made that clear over and over again, and he was making it clear again right now.
She met his gaze and then dropped her eyes again immediately. The look in his eyes was too upsetting. It made her feel too much.
Want too much.
Too much that she could never have.
“No. Yes. I mean, of course we’re friends.” She was babbling and couldn’t stop. “I guess we have a friends-with-benefits thing going on.”
She risked a glance up and saw that his face had softened into a smile that was almost tender.
It took her breath away as much as the depth of emotion she’d seen there before.
“Exactly,” he said, dropping his hand and settling back on his pillow. “Friends with benefits. Nothing in the world wrong with that.”
She made herself smile, although she didn’t like the sound of that nearly as much as she should. “Right. Nothing at all. Glad we understand each other.”
It was just as well to have it clarified before she let herself hope for things that would never happen.
Could never happen.
Even if Ward decided he wanted more in his life—which wasn’t likely to happen—Em still could never have everything. She wouldn’t be allowed.
Because nothing in her life had changed.
Nothing but her feelings for Ward.
THE NEXT MORNING WARD slept in later than normal, and he was surprised to discover Em was still in his bed when he finally awoke.
It was almost eight. She hadn’t woken up and left the way she usually did.
“Em,” he said groggily, resisting the urge to pull her against him and doze with her in his arms for an hour or so. “Em, it’s almost eight.”
“Huh?”
“It’s almost eight.”
She gasped and sat up, her hair tumbled all around her shoulders. “Shit.”
“I just woke up myself. I can’t believe I slept so late.”
“I know.” She rubbed her face, clearly trying to wake herself up. “Oh shit, I hope my dad isn’t awake yet.”
“If he is, just tell him you went out for an early walk. It’s no big deal.”
“It is a big deal.” She jumped out of bed and started pulling on her clothes. “He’ll be worried. He’ll be really upset.”
“He’ll be fine as soon as you tell him you’re okay. He might not even be up yet.”
“I know.” She straightened up, clearly making an intentional effort to calm herself down. “It’s fine. It will be fine. I just don’t want him to be upset.”
Ward pushed himself out of bed, pulling up his pajamas since they were riding very low. “He’ll be fine,” he said again.
He hoped her father would be fine. If he wasn’t—if he was genuinely upset—then he suspected Em wouldn’t be spending the night at his place all the time anymore.
Not if it upset her father.
He hated that he wasn’t her priority. Hated there was nothing he could do about it.
And then hated himself for begrudging a kind, older man of his only comfort and security.
He’d thought he’d sorted through his feelings with Em last night. They were friends with benefits and could never be anything more. He couldn’t take the risk again, and she’d never take that step. This was what would work for both of them.
He wasn’t going to want more than this.
And here he was, first thing the next morning, wanting more.
A lot more.
He really needed to get it together.
Em came over to give him a quick kiss before she strode toward the door to his cottage. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Text and let me know how your dad is.”
“I will.”
She was out the door before he could say anything else.
Ten minutes later a text came in.
Dad’s fine. He thought I was just taking a walk.
AS USUAL, THINGS WENT according to Em’s plans, and the hiking trip and picnic on the Creeper Trail—a popular trail outside Abingdon—was set for the following Saturday.
Ward was strangely nervous about it, and he didn’t know why.
It was the first time since he’d started having sex with Em that they would be hanging out with other people. Not that they would be together for the outing, but he couldn’t help but think it was significant.
He felt silly for being anxious about it, but he was.
The day dawned clear and brisk—perfect hiking weather. Even the weather rolled out according to Em’s plans. The group was ten—since both Frank and Chad had agreed to come. Em had prepared a luxurious spread for the picnic, and they had to spread it out in backpacks between them to get it all carried.
Em was in fine form, laughing and directing everyone and trying to encourage conversation between Riot and Frank and between Anne and Chad.
Near the end of the climb, a few minutes before they reached the spot where they were going to eat and rest, Riot had somehow fallen into step beside Ward, and he was forced to try to make conversation with the girl.
As far as he could tell, she wasn’t interested in Frank. She talked and smiled at him, but she hadn’t made a point of sticking at his side.
Em had said the girl had told her she was interested in Frank, but he couldn’t help but wonder if there was some misunderstanding.
Surely a girl as outgoing as Riot would make more of an effort at flirting with a man she was interested in.
He shrugged it off since it was none of his business.
He asked Riot about her job search and was pleased to hear that she’d gotten an interview next week. She told him all about the job, and he kept trying to think of polite responses.
Mostly he was watching Em up at the front of the group. She’d smiled at him and talked to him when their paths crossed, but they were definitely not together on this hike.
He could feel it very acutely.
It meant something.
Something he didn’t like.
It meant he’d let his heart go much farther down a certain path than he’d realized, and that he was going to get hurt because of it.
Just like he’d known he would from the very beginning.
Em was never going to choose him.
Em was young and beautiful and vital and brilliant and completely in control of her world. The young, laughing men around him drove home how old and tired Ward felt.
Who the hell was he, dreaming Em might change her whole world for him?
> What kind of arrogance did it take to even unconsciously hope that could happen?
“What do you think, Knightley?”
Ward blinked, brought back to his current situation by the question. Riot was gazing up at him with those big eyes and fluttering eyelashes.
He felt a faint stirring of displeasure and then disliked himself for feeling it. It wasn’t Riot’s fault he was going through an emotional crisis at the moment.
“What was that?”
“Do you think you could help me?” she asked.
“Oh. Sure. I guess I can.” He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
“Oh good. I’ll bring over the notes I have for the interview, and we can go over them.”
Oh. Evidently he’d agreed to help her prepare for the interview. Surely that was something Em would be better at than him.
“I can try, but you’d probably get more help out of Em or Liz.” There. That hadn’t sounded too rude. Maybe he could get out of this.
“They’ve already helped, but I think I need a male perspective too. Please?”
All right. He was well and truly trapped. “Okay. If you think it would help.”
She clapped her hands excitedly. “Perfect. Thank you so much!” It looked like she would say something else, but Jane called out for her just then, and Riot ran to talk to her sister.
Ward was relieved.
He really needed to pay more attention to conversations and not let Em distract him from everything.
Maybe Riot would turn her attention to something else and forget that he’d agreed to help her with the interview.
EM SHOULD HAVE BEEN having a good time on the hike, but she wasn’t.
For some reason she felt like she was one of those performers with the spinning plates, trying to keep about ten of them going at the same time and running frantically between them before they started to fall.
She didn’t know why she felt like that.
It should have been a perfectly normal outing with her friends.
It shouldn’t have felt like her world was barely hanging together, like it might start falling apart at any moment.
It had something to do with Ward.
She could feel him watching her all morning, and it felt like he might be judging her, disapproving of her.
She didn’t know why.
She didn’t think she’d done anything wrong.
She was fighting the urge to stay by his side, hold his hand, let everyone know they were together. That would be the height of foolishness, so naturally she resisted the urge.
She didn’t like that she wanted it.
They were supposed to be friends with benefits. That kind of relationship wasn’t supposed to make her feel this way.
And she didn’t like that she was sensing something disturbing in Ward’s mood, as if he wasn’t happy.
She tried to distract herself by giving time for Frank and Riot to chat and for Anne and Chad to get to know each other, but neither couple was cooperating.
That made her feel even worse. That what she was normally good at wasn’t working for her today.
Maybe she wasn’t really good at it.
Maybe she wasn’t good at anything.
Maybe she’d never had control of her world the way she’d thought.
Maybe she was nothing but a spoiled princess after all.
She knew the thoughts were wrong even as she processed them. They were lies she was telling herself. So she fought against them, but that effort, in addition to everything else, left her confused and exhausted and upset.
She was the one who’d planned this trip, but now she wished it were over.
She didn’t want to be there.
She wanted to be home. Or in Ward’s cottage.
She wanted him to hold her, make her feel better.
But that thought was just as wrong and dangerous as the other ones were.
She was really falling apart, even as she smiled and laughed and tried to make sure everyone else was having a good time.
When they got to the scenic spot she’d planned for their picnic, there was another group already there, so they had to go a little farther, which was annoying. They did find a good spot, and they unpacked the picnic and settled down to rest and eat.
The food was good. Almost everyone was smiling.
Everything was perfectly fine.
Em just didn’t want to be there.
She was upset and didn’t know why.
Because she was in this mood, she made more of an effort than usual to be cheerful and bring people together. She sat near Anne and Chad and kept asking them questions to get them to talk since both of them were quiet.
Her cheeks were bright red, and her laughter felt a little fake, but she hoped no one would notice. She could still feel Ward’s eyes on her.
They felt more disapproving than ever.
She was relieved when lunch was finally over and people started to get up to stretch their legs and get their stuff together.
She was throwing some trash into a nearby garbage can when Anne came over to her.
Em knew immediately that Anne was upset. Her normally calm face was tight with emotion. “I told you I didn’t want to be set up,” she whispered harshly.
Em gave a twitch of surprise. “I didn’t set you up.”
“Yes, you did. Why else is Chad here? And why did you spend all of lunch trying to force us together? I told you I didn’t want that!”
Em put a hand over her stomach, which was churning with that deep discomfort that came from guilt and embarrassment. “I know you didn’t. I promise I wasn’t setting you up. I just thought you might like him. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that I told you I wasn’t interested, and then you went and did it anyway. Do you really not pay attention to anyone’s opinions but your own?” Anne’s words were sharp. Much sharper than usual.
She was really upset.
And Em had done it to her.
“I’m so sorry,” Em said. “Anne, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to go against your wishes. I just wanted to help. I didn’t mean it to be so obvious, but I was distracted at lunch by... by other things and...” Her voice was breaking. Emotion was rising fast.
“I told you I didn’t want that,” Anne rasped, obviously fighting for control too. “Next time maybe listen to someone other than yourself.” She turned to leave.
“Anne, wait—” Em cut off the words because Anne made a shushing gesture with her hand. She didn’t turn around.
Em couldn’t pursue the conversation without causing a big scene, and Anne would hate that more than anything.
Em was so upset about inadvertently hurting her friend and not being able to make up for it that she was nearly in tears. She couldn’t let anyone else see it, so she walked away from the rest of the group.
When she’d gotten enough distance, she let her shoulders shake and she squeezed the tears out of her eyes, then she willed herself to get back under control.
Anne was right.
Ward was right.
She was nothing but a selfish fool.
She’d barely composed herself when she heard someone approaching behind her.
She turned to look, hoping it was Anne.
It wasn’t. It was Ward.
He didn’t look happy. His face was tense, and his eyes were sober.
Em looked back at the richly colored autumn hills laid out in a vista beneath her. She was too upset to admire the view.
“Em, what did you do to Anne?”
Em’s shoulders stiffened. “What do you mean?” Of course she knew what he meant. She just didn’t want to admit her stupidity to him.
“I mean she’s really upset, and it seems to be because of you. Is it because you tried to fix her up when she asked you not to?”
“Anything that happened is between Anne and me.” She was still staring out at the rolling hills. She wasn’t looking at Ward. She couldn’t. She wo
uld burst into tears if she did. “It’s not really your business.”
“It is my business if you hurt one of your best friends. You know better than that.” His voice was low and hoarse.
“What I know and what I do is my concern. It’s not yours. I told you before I wasn’t going to accept lectures from you.”
“Well, you’re going to get them whether you want to or not.” Ward made an impatient huff. “Look at me, Em.”
The words sounded like a challenge, so she made herself turn and meet his eyes. She forced her face to remain calm, although she was almost shaking with the effort it took to not burst into tears.
“If there are things you aren’t happy with in your life, then you deal with them. You deal with your own stuff. You don’t channel what’s missing in your life into interfering with the people around you.”
Her jaw went out as a surge of hurt anger rose inside her. “I was trying to help.”
“You weren’t trying to help. You were doing to other people what you refuse to do for yourself. You were channeling your own needs into interfering, just like I told you that you were. It’s selfish, and it ends up hurting people. It hurt Anne. You really hurt her. Your friend. Think about that for a minute.”
Em looked away sharply. There were tears pooled in her eyes, and she didn’t want him to see them. “I’ve told you over and over again. I don’t need lectures from you.”
“You need them from someone, and I’m the only one who will ever tell you the truth. I care about you too much not to.”
“If you’re so big on the truth, maybe you should tell it to yourself.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’m not the only one who holds back. You think you’re so mature and in control of yourself? When you live your life just waiting for another woman to leave you? When you’ve never trusted me not to hurt you? Before you start judging me for all my mistakes, maybe think about the things you need to work on yourself.”
Ward was silent. Since she still wasn’t looking at him, she didn’t know what his expression was like, but his silence felt stunned, full of tension.
Since it seemed like her words had hit home, she went on. “You’re so convinced I’m going to leave you that you keep sabotaging whatever there is of our relationship by treating me like a child instead of an equal. And guess what? This time you succeeded.”