Nothing to Fear

by Claire Boston

She didn’t want an apology, she wanted an explanation. “So tell me what happened.”

  He sighed. “It’s in the past now.”

  Hannah stared at him. Did he really think that was good enough? Perhaps for him it was, but she had so many unanswered questions. She barely knew this man, not anymore. He wasn’t the loving father she remembered. He was virtually a stranger.

  He cleared his throat. “Have you lived here all your life?”

  She blinked at the sudden change in topic. “No! If you’re not going to answer my questions, you don’t get to ask me any.” She wasn’t ready for this conversation, this general chit-chat about what they’d both been up to for the past twenty years. She couldn’t ignore the questions she still had.

  Her father stepped back in shock.

  Hannah wasn’t going to feel guilty. This was all too much on top of everything else that was going on. She needed to think, to feel, to decide what the hell she was going to do about her father being back in her life.

  “Give me a couple of days.” With that, she walked away.

  Hannah had to get away from here. She drove, not sure of her destination, tears streaming down her face. She needed to be alone, away from everyone. She drove on autopilot to her property – the perfect hideaway.

  Parking outside her shed, she wiped her tears and got out. She needed fresh air.

  Joe followed her as she took the path to the beach, then turned up the track that led to the lookout. It wasn’t much more than a cleared area on top of the limestone cliffs, but the view was spectacular. The sea breeze was strong and cold today, with enough bite to make her shiver.

  It matched her mood.

  Her insides felt as cold and as rough as the dark ocean with its foaming sea. She stood close to the edge, and looked down at the sharp rocks below. The ocean came right up to the cliff at this point and surged like a washing machine. There was one spot below her where there were no rocks, just a deep hole of water. But if you were lucky enough to hit that spot when you fell, you’d soon be swept up by the waves and smashed against them. It was why she needed to fence off the area.

  The wind played with her hair and clothes, whipping them around. She embraced the ferocity, opening her arms wide, letting it blow over her, wishing it could blow through her and rid her of all the confusion filling her brain. She took a step forward and the limestone crumbled under her foot, reminding her not to get too close to the edge.

  She took a deep breath of the fresh, salty air.

  Her father was back.

  That one thought kept going around and around in her head like a broken record.

  She’d been so unprepared. She should have kept track of where he was, what he was doing, when he was due for parole. But it had never occurred to her that he would get out early.

  It had been easier not to think of him at all.

  After the trial, her grandparents had never mentioned her father, and the few times Hannah had asked about him they’d been so upset she’d stopped asking. It went into the-things-we-don’t-talk-about basket.

  She groaned.

  Was this what her life had become? Did all her responses come from that one event? She didn’t talk about her father because it upset her grandparents, she didn’t fight Justin because she was too scared she’d end up dead like her mother, she didn’t go to therapy because of the way the therapists had hammered her for answers about her parents’ relationship.

  When had she become so frightened?

  Had she spent her whole life hiding?

  Tears ran hot down her face. She sank to the ground, pulling her knees up to her chest. Joe dropped the large stick he’d found at her feet and licked her cheek. She pulled her dog close and hugged him, the sobs racking her body.

  “Dad, what’s up there? Can we go see?” The shout was unmistakable – Felix.

  Hannah pressed her palms to her eyes to stem the tears, but it was too late. “Dad, it’s Hannah and Joe!” Felix ran up and then stopped short. “Why are you crying?”

  She couldn’t answer him. There was a lump in her throat the size of Uluru.

  “Dad, something’s wrong with Hannah,” Felix called.

  She didn’t look up, didn’t want Ryan to see her like this. She buried her head in her knees.

  “Felix, why don’t you take Joe and go down to the beach?” Ryan said. “Don’t go into the water yet, because those waves are rough.”

  “Is she going to be all right?”

  “I’d say so, but I need to talk to her.”

  “OK. Come on, Joe.”

  Hannah gave Joe the gesture to go with Felix as Ryan sat next to her.

  “Rough day?” he asked.

  The tears wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t speak, it was hard to even breathe. She lifted her head, met his eyes.

  “Oh, baby,” Ryan crooned and pulled her close to him, his arms warm and comforting. “I’ve got you.”

  She believed him. For the first time in a long time she felt truly safe. All of her barriers came crashing down at his gentle words. She wrapped her arms around him and let all of her tears out.

  It was some time before she cried herself dry. As she came back to her senses, the awkwardness flooded in. She must seem like a complete basket case. She lifted her head and dried her eyes on her shirt before daring to glance at Ryan. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that.”

  His smile was gentle. “People don’t usually mean to break down.” Ryan used his thumb to brush her hair back and then cupped her cheek as he kissed her. “That’s why it’s called that.”

  His kindness made her ache.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  She really did. She had to talk to someone and somewhere along the way Ryan had become a person she trusted. “I saw my father today.”

  His eyebrows rose. “I thought he was in jail.”

  “So did I. Early parole.”

  “You didn’t know?”

  “Not until he showed up at the park.”

  Ryan swore. “That must have been a shock.”

  She nodded. “Apparently he tried to call, but didn’t know what to say.” She shook her head. “He thought turning up unannounced was the better option.” She couldn’t help the sarcasm in her tone.

  He ran a hand up and down her arm in a soothing motion. “How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

  “Eighteen years.” A lifetime. “My grandparents never took me to visit him.”

  “So, how did it go?”

  “Badly.” Her chest tightened again. “We spoke a little, but he wouldn’t answer my questions about that night.”

  “How do you feel?”

  She shrugged. “Confused, angry.”

  He got to his feet and offered her a hand. “Come on. Let’s take a walk.”

  A distraction would be good. She let herself be pulled to her feet and they strolled down to the sand, hand in hand. Felix was throwing a smaller stick for Joe and Ryan called to Felix to follow them.

  “Tell me about your father,” Ryan said. “What was he like when you were a kid?”

  The memories were bittersweet. “He was my hero.”

  “Why?”

  “He always had time for me. He’d play with me when he got home from work and he’d help me with school stuff. He called me his little princess. We’d go to the soccer together and I’d help him in the garden. Mum used to say we were two peas in a pod.”

  “It was just the three of you?”

  “My two half-brothers would come for weekends.”

  “Were they nice?”

  “No.” He skin grew tight. “Phillip was four years older than me, and Marko was six years older. They used to tease me whenever Dad wasn’t around.”

  “Teasing is normal sibling behaviour.”

  Hannah shook her head. “No. I’ve seen the way Lincoln and Jamie tease each other, it was nothing like that. They used to call Mum nasty names and they’d pinch and hit me. I haven’t seen them since that night.�
� And hadn’t missed them at all.

  “It sucks that they were mean.” He squeezed her hand. “So, your dad wants to have a relationship with you?”

  “Sounds like it.” She shrugged. “But, he won’t answer my questions. He won’t tell me why he had the knife.”

  “And you want to know?”

  Desperately. There had to be a reason, a good reason why he would hurt her mum. “Yeah. No one would ever tell me exactly what happened,” she said. “Eventually I stopped asking.”

  “Have you seen the police file?” Ryan asked.

  “You mean of the murder?”

  He nodded. “You could put in a request under the Freedom of Information Act. Or at least talk to the lawyers involved in the trial.”

  It had never occurred to her, but she might get some answers. “Thank you. I’ll do that.”

  He kissed her cheek. “You’re welcome.” They walked on in silence for a bit longer before he asked, “So what will you do about your dad?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want a relationship with him?”

  It had been so long, but she had yearned for her father when she was younger. She’d been jealous on Fathers’ Day and whenever the school had activities involving parents. Sure, her grandparents had come, but it wasn’t the same.

  “Do you hate him for killing your mum?”

  “I never actually hated him … I was so confused, not sure what to believe. He said it was an accident.” There had to be an explanation for what had happened, but did that make it any better? She’d been told how she was supposed to feel for so long, she hadn’t ever examined her own emotions.

  “We can read what the coroner’s report says,” Ryan told her.

  She sighed. She didn’t have to decide right now. “I need answers and I do want to speak with him again, when I’ve got my head around him being back.”

  “I can go with you when you do.”

  She embraced him, taking comfort in his arms lightly around her. “Thank you.” Having his support meant more to her than she could express. She brushed a kiss against his lips and they turned back along the beach.

  Felix jogged over to her and asked, “Are you OK now, Hannah?”

  “Yeah.” It felt good to talk to someone about it.

  “I’m glad.” He gave her a quick hug and then ran off again, calling Joe.

  Hannah’s heart swelled. “Your son is beautiful.”

  “He is,” Ryan agreed.

  Hannah wanted to change the subject. She wanted some normalcy. “So, how was your day?”

  Ryan winced and guilt flashed across his face.

  She frowned. “What happened?”

  He cleared his throat. “I have some news, but you might want to wait until you’re feeling better.”

  It couldn’t possibly be worse than what she’d already been through today. “What have you found?”

  “We know who broke into your shed and cabin.”

  She stopped walking, her heart beating fast. “Who?”

  Ryan checked where Felix was and then said, “My ex-wife, Paula.”

  “What?” She’d never met the woman.

  “She’s in town and found out where I was staying. When I heard about it, I got them to run the prints we found against hers and they matched,” Ryan told her. “We don’t think she’s your stalker though, because the prints are different.”

  Hannah’s eyes widened. The stalker. The meeting. Her heart raced. “Shit. What time is it?”

  “Four-thirty.”

  “I completely forgot about it.” She put a hand to her head. “I was meant to meet him an hour ago and then Dad arrived.”

  “Meet who?”

  “The stalker. He sent me a card today, with a time and place.”

  “What?” Ryan’s face went red as he scowled and his whole body tensed. “And you didn’t tell us this?”

  “You were out at the crash and I discovered the note right before the meeting time.”

  Ryan reached for his phone. “Where were you going to meet?”

  “The community park, by the bridge. Who are you calling?”

  “Lincoln, our stalker was going to meet Hannah by the bridge at the community park an hour ago. Can you send someone past?” He paused. “Yeah, I’m pissed too. I’ll talk to her about it.” He hung up, the anger on his face clear.

  Hannah held up a hand. “Don’t start with me,” she said. “I’ve had a shit week. It was more important that you were at the crash, and I was taking Joe and Mai with me.” Though she hadn’t actually got around to calling Mai.

  Ryan briefly closed his eyes. “We don’t know what this guy is capable of, Hannah. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “I don’t want to be hurt. I just want this to end.” She took a breath and then remembered what they’d been talking about. “Why would your ex-wife trash my place?”

  He grimaced. “It’s probably time I told you about my marriage.”

  Chapter 14

  Ryan hated to drop more issues on Hannah after the bombshell she’d just been dealing with, but she needed to know about Paula. There was curiosity on her face and Ryan wasn’t entirely sure where to begin. How did you admit you were a complete and utter fool?

  He checked to make sure Felix was out of earshot. He wasn’t.

  “Dad, can I go for a swim yet?” His eyes were pleading.

  Damn. He hated to let Felix down. His son didn’t care that the ocean was rough and wasn’t nice for swimming.

  “Why don’t you two have a swim?” Hannah said. “I need to freshen up anyway.” She ran a hand through her hair. “You can fill me in later.”

  He hesitated. “You shouldn’t be alone. The stalker may be mad that you didn’t show up and come looking for you.”

  She sighed.

  “Why don’t you stay here and we’ll walk you back after we’ve had a swim?” He saw the refusal on her face. “Then you can come over for dinner,” he added. “We’ll talk after Felix goes to bed.” And that would give him more time to figure out what to say. “Please?”

  Reluctantly she nodded. “All right. I’ll take Joe for a longer walk. He needs it.”

  She moved away, and he gently pulled her back to give her a tender kiss. “Take care.”

  “Always.”

  Her smile soothed some of the worry inside him. It had broken his heart to see her so desolate. Sometime in the last week, she’d come to mean a lot to him.

  “Da-ad,” Felix called.

  The whine made him chuckle. “Coming, mate.” He stripped off his shirt and then picked up Felix, who shrieked and wriggled as Ryan ran into the ocean and dumped them both under the water. Felix came up spluttering and laughing and Ryan’s heart sang. No matter what happened with Paula and with Hannah, he would always have Felix.

  They splashed and played, with Ryan throwing Felix into the waves again and again on his demand. Finally, Ryan ran out of puff. “Enough.”

  “Once more, Dad.”

  Ryan grinned. “Once.”

  Felix giggled as Ryan threw him into the waves. They waded out of the water together and dried themselves. Hannah was slowly making her way back along the beach towards them.

  “Is Hannah OK now?” Felix asked, his voice quiet.

  Surprised, Ryan noticed the concern on his son’s face. “She’s going to be.”

  “Is that why you kissed her – to make her feel better?”

  Ryan paused. He’d forgotten Felix was there. “That’s one of the reasons.”

  Felix was silent for a moment and then asked, “What are the other reasons?”

  What was the right thing to say? “I kissed her because I like her,” Ryan told him.

  “Is that why you don’t kiss Mum anymore?”

  Hell. “Yeah. I don’t like your mum as much as I used to.”

  “Are you going to marry Hannah?”

  Ryan blinked. Marriage hadn’t even entered into his thoughts. That was something way in the
future, if ever again. “I’ve got no plans to at the moment.” He glanced at his son. “I wouldn’t marry anyone unless you liked them too. And anyone I marry has to love you as well.”

  “What if Hannah doesn’t like me?” His voice was quiet.

  Ryan crouched down to give Felix his full attention. “I’m pretty sure she already likes you,” he said. “But if she doesn’t, then she’s not the right woman for us.” He ignored the twinge in his heart. His priority was Felix – always.

  “I like her,” Felix said. “And Joe.” He was silent for a moment. “Maybe you could ask her if she likes me. That way you’ll be sure.” His eyes were filled with concern.

  “I can do that, if you want,” he said. “She did appreciate the hug you gave her.”

  Felix brightened. “Really? I like your hugs after I’m upset, so I thought she’d like one too.”

  “She did.”

  “OK. What are we going to make them for dinner?”

  Ryan was more than happy with the change of subject. “Shall we ask her what she likes?”

  Hannah had almost reached them and he noticed that she was no longer hugging herself; her arms swung relaxed by her side.

  “Hannah, what do you want for dinner?” Felix yelled.

  Ryan smiled. He was relieved that Felix liked Hannah, but he needed to take things slowly.

  There wasn’t only himself to consider.

  There was Felix too.

  They walked Hannah back to her shed, and Ryan made sure it was empty and there were no surprises before he left to make dinner.

  He made Felix have a shower and called Lincoln. “Did you find anyone at the park?”

  “No one,” Lincoln growled. “He might never have shown up. Have you told Hannah how stupid she was?”

  “She realises that. But that’s not the worst part – her father’s out of jail.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah, we’ll need to interview him.” Ryan pushed back his wet hair. “I should have chased up Corrective Services today. Then at least I could have warned her.”

  “Not your fault, mate. She should have been told he was getting out.”

  Bureaucracy had failed again. Ryan wasn’t surprised.

  “By the way,” Lincoln continued. “Paula’s in custody. They picked her up this afternoon.”