Nothing to Fear

by Claire Boston

  “That’s great,” but he didn’t want to hear about it now. “We’ll go through it all tomorrow.” They said goodbye and he hung up.

  When Hannah and Joe arrived at the cabin, Ryan was in the kitchen with Felix, chopping a salad. Felix ran to get the door and Ryan double-checked he had everything ready. He acknowledged the nerves in his stomach. For him to spill his guts about Paula meant that he and Hannah were serious, or at least that he wanted them to be. That was a huge step for him after everything Paula had put him through.

  Hannah walked in and his heart beat a little faster. The simple white tank top she wore clung to her breasts and the green skirt accentuated her lovely curves.

  “How are you?” he asked.

  “Much better, thank you. Have you heard from Lincoln?”

  “Let’s have dinner first.” He flicked his eyes to Felix and she nodded.

  “What are we having?”

  “Nachos!” Felix called.

  “And salad,” Ryan added.

  “Sounds good.”

  “Would you like a drink?” he asked. “I’ve got lemon, lime and bitters.”

  She beamed at him. “Yes, please.”

  “Felix, do you want one?”

  “Yes, Dad.” He was showing Joe his cars, but the dog didn’t appear interested.

  Ryan poured the drinks and gave Hannah hers, and then finished putting the nachos together. “Are you hungry?” he asked Hannah.

  “Yes. Can I do anything to help?”

  “No. Felix,” he called. “Set the table.”

  “OK, Dad.”

  They had an enjoyable dinner, followed by a game of Hungry Hippos before it was Felix’s bedtime.

  “Dad, you’re still going to read me a story, aren’t you?” Felix asked.

  “Of course.” It was his favourite time of the day.

  Felix beamed. “Do you want to hear a story too, Hannah?” He glanced down at his toes and then back at her. “Dad does the best voices.”

  Ryan’s face warmed. He didn’t want Hannah to hear the silly voices he used.

  Hannah smiled. “I’d love to, if you don’t mind.”

  Felix shook his head and led them into his bedroom. Ryan found the book they were reading, then sat on the bed next to Felix. Felix patted the bed on the other side of himself. “Sit here, Hannah.”

  Ryan’s throat thickened. He loved how inclusive Felix was.

  Hannah lifted Felix’s teddy bear off the bed as she settled down. “Who’s this?”

  “That’s Barney Bear,” Felix said.

  “He’s very handsome. I bet he gives good hugs.”

  Felix took the bear from her and cuddled him. “He’s the best.”

  Joe leapt onto the bed and Felix laughed with glee.

  “Joe, get down,” Hannah commanded.

  “He’s fine,” Felix insisted. “He can sleep with me.”

  With all of them on the bed it seemed to shrink in size, but Ryan had no problems with the dog on the bed as long as Felix was happy. “If the landlord doesn’t mind him there, I don’t.”

  She smiled. “I guess it’s fine this once.”

  Ryan started reading, doing his best not to be self-conscious about Hannah being there. Felix snuggled into Hannah a little as he grew tired. It was sweet, but highlighted how much Ryan needed to be careful about Felix’s feelings. He’d never had a good maternal figure in his life.

  When he finished the story, he and Hannah returned to the living area. “Would you like a cuppa?” he asked her as the nerves gathered again.

  She nodded. “You’ve done such a good job with Felix. He’s so sweet.”

  “Thank you.” It didn’t stop him worrying all the time though.

  They made their drinks and carried them outside. The night was dark and moths hovered by the windows of the cabin where the light shone through. The wind whistled through the trees, but the cabin blocked the majority of the breeze so it was pleasant and not too cold.

  Ryan took a sip of his coffee.

  “What did Lincoln say?” Hannah asked.

  Relief swept through him. He could delay talking about Paula. “He didn’t see anyone out of the ordinary at the community park.” The stalker had been long gone, if he’d even turned up in the first place.

  “That’s a shame.” Hannah glanced at him. “I was really hoping it would end.”

  “I understand, Hannah, but you should have called us.”

  “You were busy.” She held up a hand to stop his argument. “It doesn’t matter now. I won’t do it again. Do you want to tell me why your ex broke into my place?”

  He would have much preferred to continue talking about the stalker. Ryan sighed. Would she think less of him when he’d explained everything?

  “Near as I can tell, Paula saw us on the beach the other day. When she came out here to find me, she must have gone to your shed first and thought we were together. Then she saw us yesterday with Felix and discovered the cabin I was staying in was yours, so she decided to punish you for breaking up her family.”

  She shifted in her seat. “I thought you were divorced.”

  “We are. Paula doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She didn’t take it seriously until I told her I was moving.”

  She frowned at him, obviously confused.

  He needed to tell the whole story. “I met Paula a couple of years after I moved to Karratha.” He sipped his drink. “We started dating and it wasn’t long before she moved in with me. I didn’t actually ask her to, but suddenly she was there all the time and I realised her clothes were in my wardrobe.” That should have been his first warning.

  “Did you want her there?” Hannah asked.

  He thought about it. “I guess so. I liked being in a relationship and she understood me, she liked all the same things that I liked and we hung out together a lot. It wasn’t until later that I discovered she was only pretending to like what I did.” He’d been so thirsty for love, so desperately lonely and Paula had been an end to the drought.

  Hannah ran a hand along his arm in sympathy.

  He closed his eyes, taking the comfort she offered. He opened them again. “Then she got pregnant.”

  “That must have been a surprise.”

  He nodded. “It was, but I was excited as well. I wanted to have a family, though Paula wasn’t as keen. She talked about getting an abortion, saying she wanted to travel with me first.” He should have listened to what she was really saying – she didn’t want the baby.

  “So what happened?”

  “I proposed to her, told her I wanted to have a family with her. She accepted.”

  “Did you love her?”

  “Yeah, I did, but I think I was in love with the idea of having a family more.” It had taken him a long time to realise that. “My family was … unconventional.” It was a word Mrs Z had used once and he’d always thought it sounded better than crazy or weird. “Mum and Dad were all about freedom and choice. For them it meant doing whatever they wanted, not considering what was best for us kids. We moved constantly because we were squatters, living on land we didn’t own, and didn’t have permission to be on. We’d stay until we were discovered and kicked off.” He remembered the fights – often physical – when the police or property owner had found them. He remembered not being able to say goodbye to school friends, having to start again at a new school months later when they found somewhere new to settle. “I hated it, the constant upheaval, their disinterest in me, the lack of a proper family.”

  She squeezed his hand. “It can’t have been easy.”

  He shook his head. “It’s one of the reasons I gravitated to the Zanettis. They were a real family and there was structure there. When Lincoln mentioned he wanted to be a cop, it seemed the perfect job for me as well – law and order, two things I’d never had.”

  “What happened after Felix was born?”

  He ran a hand through his hair. He hated thinking about it. “Paula got increasingly irrational during her pregnancy.
She complained she was fat, accused me of looking at other women, was convinced I would leave her.” He shifted in his seat. “I thought it was pregnancy hormones and she’d be all right after Felix was born.”

  “It didn’t get better?”

  “It got worse.” He’d been such a fool. “Felix cried a lot during the first six months, he barely slept. When I was at home, Paula wanted nothing to do with him. She would often go out with friends as soon as I walked in the door, and never got up for him during the night.”

  “That must have been hard.” She gave him a sympathetic smile.

  “Yeah. I told myself she was tired and scared.” It had been easy to lie to himself. “As Felix got older, she organised babysitters for him all the time so we could go out, just the two of us. I tried to get her interested in family activities like camping, but she hated it.”

  Hannah glanced towards the bedroom. “She didn’t bond with Felix?”

  “No. She was jealous of the time I would spend with him and jealous whenever I was away from her. She became very possessive of me, sometimes leaving Felix with the neighbour so she could have lunch with me at work.” He cringed as he remembered how clingy Paula had been at the police station, how his colleagues used to make fun of him.

  “What did you do?”

  “I tried to split my time evenly between them, tried to find something we could do together and then finally talked to her about family counselling.” He grimaced. “That was the first time she had a complete meltdown. It scared the shit out of Felix and me.” And he’d backpedalled all the way back into her good books. “It was around this time, Felix was about four, when Lincoln came to visit.” He smiled. “Lincoln’s not one to put up with any bullshit.”

  “No, he’s not.” Hannah grinned. “What did he say?”

  “He told me Paula was manipulating me, that she didn’t care for Felix and that Felix was showing the characteristics of a neglected child.” It had woken him right up. “He said I needed to keep a journal, documenting everything Paula was or wasn’t doing with Felix, because mothers still more often get custody of children.”

  “From what you’ve said, I can’t imagine she would have wanted it.”

  “She tried when I asked for a divorce.” It had truly terrified him. There was no way he was going to leave Felix with her. “It was her way of controlling me.”

  Hannah took a sip of her drink. “Is that when you left her?”

  He shook his head. “I wasn’t ready to give up yet,” he said. “But I took Lincoln’s advice and kept a journal locked in my desk at the station so she couldn’t find it. In my heart I knew it wasn’t going to work, but I didn’t want to accept it.”

  “What happened?”

  “Over the next couple of years I made Felix my priority. I invited Paula to do everything we did, but she rarely accepted. She would manipulate Felix, tell him he was selfish for not letting us have mummy and daddy time, attempt to play us against each other.” He sighed. “If Felix and I went away together, she’d sometimes call, threatening to harm herself and force us to come home early.” He’d been so easy to manipulate. He could never take the risk that she was lying, didn’t want the guilt he’d be left with if he’d ignored her threats and came home to find she’d delivered on them. “It was when Felix made a comment about being worthless that I realised I was doing him more harm than good by staying with Paula. I asked for a divorce and told her I was taking Felix with me.”

  “She didn’t take it well,” Hannah guessed.

  He grimaced, remembering. “No. She destroyed most of the living room.” He sighed. “Then she sobbed and told me she would kill herself if I left. That she would die without Felix.”

  “That’s awful! Did you believe her?”

  “Not this time. I did write it down though. In the end it was my journal documenting three years of her manipulations that had the courts deciding to grant me full custody of Felix.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “Me too.”

  Hannah put her empty mug on the table. “So although you’re divorced, she still thinks she has a claim on you?”

  He nodded. “We split up over a year ago, but she would constantly drop by the station, or home, or pick Felix up from school. I didn’t trust her with Felix and it was one of the reasons I moved down here.” He didn’t think she would ever wilfully hurt Felix, but he wasn’t a hundred per cent certain.

  “And now she’s followed you to Blackbridge.”

  He sipped his coffee. “She told the Albany police she missed us and wanted to get back together. She’s convinced I’ve made a mistake.”

  “What do you think?” She was watching him closely.

  “I’m sure she believes what she says, but I won’t ever let Felix live with her again.” He’d wasted enough of his life on Paula.

  She took his hand, ran her palm over it. “What’s going to happen to her now?”

  “She’ll go to court and be charged with her offences.”

  Hannah bit her lip. “How will that affect Felix?”

  He blinked. She was an incredible woman to consider his son. “He’s worried she’ll take him away, so it might be a relief for him.”

  “For both of you,” Hannah said. “If she goes to jail it won’t be for long, will it?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “It seems so wrong for her to go away for something as petty as jealousy.”

  The anger was swift and surprising. “She needs help and maybe this way she’ll get it. I did everything I could to help her when we were together.” It had been exhausting, and still he’d failed.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. Sorry you had to go through that, and sorry Felix doesn’t have a loving mother. How could anyone not love your son?”

  Her words were a balm to his soul. He remembered Felix’s question. “So you like Felix?”

  “Of course. He’s wonderful.”

  Ryan cleared his throat. “Maybe you could tell him some time. He’s a little worried no one will like him.”

  “I will,” she promised. “Perhaps we can do something together. I bet he’d love to help Kit milk her cows or feed the calves.”

  “He would,” Ryan agreed, pleased she’d suggested it. With Hannah he was sure the offer was genuine.

  She stared into the darkness and then sighed. “It’s getting late. I should go.”

  He didn’t want her to. He liked being with her. “Where are you staying tonight?”

  “I thought I’d go back to the shed.”

  He shook his head. “That’s not a great option.” Her stalker was still out there.

  “It’s too late to disturb my friends,” Hannah said.

  “Why don’t you stay here?” The words were out before he considered them. Though he’d love to spend the night with Hannah in his bed, it wasn’t what he meant. “I can sleep with Felix.”

  Hannah’s eyes were wide, but he couldn’t quite tell what she was thinking.

  Was it too soon?

  Had he made a mistake?

  Ryan’s expression was so earnest it touched something deep inside of Hannah. The idea of staying the night at his cabin was appealing and that made it a little scary. They were moving fast, but considering her lack of relationships over the past five years, anything would seem fast.

  Though perhaps he wasn’t implying more than she had a safe place to stay.

  She wanted to take things further with Ryan. His kisses and the way he touched her made her desperate to experience what she’d been missing out on.

  She had to be honest with him. If they were going to have any kind of relationship – and she did want them to – she had to communicate her fears so he didn’t think she was playing games with him. Especially after what he’d been through with his ex. “I’d like to sleep with you,” she said. “But I don’t know if I’m capable.”

  The mood shifted and his eyes darkened. “We’re all capable of sleeping.” He grinned.

  She made a face
. “You know what I mean.”

  He stood and gently pulled her to her feet. “Yeah, but if you want we can just go to sleep. It’s been a stressful day.” He pressed a kiss against her forehead.

  She closed her eyes, enjoying the touch of his lips against her skin. The day had been exhausting and she wanted to forget about everything that had happened. She wanted to pretend, just for a while, that there was only the two of them and she was a healthy, sexual woman without any issues. “Can we try?”

  He nodded. “If you’re comfortable.” He brushed her fringe out of her face. “Tell me what you need.”

  Emboldened by his patience and his concern for her, she pulled him inside, pausing at the entrance to his bedroom. She slipped her hands around his waist and brushed her lips against his. He tasted like coffee and he opened for her, teasing her tongue with his own. Her whole body woke up as warm tingles flooded through it. “I’d like to touch you,” she admitted.

  He smiled, slow and sweet as he wandered into the bedroom and switched on the bedside lamp. He moved back to her, kissed her and whispered, “I’m all yours.”

  Nerves coalesced in her stomach. She didn’t know what to do.

  “I’ll tell you if there’s something I don’t like.” He smiled with encouragement.

  She could do this. She was an adult for goodness sake. Stepping forward, she ran her palms firmly over his chest to hide the slight shake in them. She pressed her lips against his, running a hand through the back of his hair, then she pulled him closer as he gently rested his hands on her hips.

  That he’d remembered what she’d said the other day filled her with more confidence and aroused her further. She slipped her hands under his T-shirt and ran them against his firm muscles. He whispered, “Yes.”

  His eyes were open and filled with enjoyment. Power rushed through her. She was pleasuring him. She shoved his T-shirt further up and he helped her by stripping it off.

  He was a gorgeous example of man, all lightly defined muscle, tanned from the summer’s sun. Heat pooled between her legs. She touched his nipples and then bent to kiss them, to taste them.

  He trembled and brought his hands up to caress her breasts. It was so unbelievably good. Her nipples puckered and she pressed into his hands. She wanted more. She shed her top and he took a step back to shut the door.