Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “When you drove away to school, I knew something like this would happen.”

  Sputtering, I said, “What? Why would you think that? You didn’t trust me.” I was angry and confused by her words.

  She blinked back the wetness that pooled in her eyes. “It’s just that you’re so...” she gestured with her hands. “How can any girl resist?”

  “I don’t want just any girl, Jess. I want you.”

  Looky Lou's had begun to stand to watch the drama play out between us. We weren’t loud. But with all the foot traffic, our conversation was bound to be overheard. I gave my fiercest scowl and those properly chastised began to walk away.

  “I thought we could be friends.”

  It was the worst thing a girl could say. I shook my head in disbelief. “Jess, I can’t be your friend and talk to you about Asshole.”

  “He has a name,” she interrupted.

  “Yeah okay, Asshole Dick. I’m not Bradley. I’m not going to give you advice and encourage you to be happy with someone else.”

  “Ethan, you have to know I still love you.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying that,” I muttered before turning away. I heard the words I said to Bradley not long ago. Apparently love isn’t enough.

  Her tears began to fall in earnest. A part of me desperately wanted to console her. But the other part of me that had protected me all these years walled off my head and heart as a coldness spread throughout my body. I lifted a leg over my bike, getting on. I waited for her without glancing in her direction. In my periphery, unfortunately, I saw her take a moment to wipe her face with her hands before marking her jeans with the moisture. I gripped the handlebars tighter to keep my hands on them. Then she put the helmet on without me lifting a finger. I closed my eyes to stop myself from going to help and possibly touching her. If I was going to survive, I had to keep a semblance of distance considering her arms would be around me for at least another hour. I knew no amount of pleading on my part would change her mind. Jess was gone from me.

  When we arrived at her house, I was anxious to get away.

  Quietly, she said, “Ethan, you shouldn’t stay at your house.”

  My eyes widened. Did she think I was made of stone? She’d already shattered my glass heart. There was no way I’d stay at her house even though before her proclamation I’d hoped she’d extend an invitation. Everything was different now.

  “I worry about you staying in that big house alone.”

  I laughed although she had no idea why. She didn’t know my situation. I never had the chance to tell her. She traded me her helmet for her bag, and I made sure not to touch her. After I secured the extra helmet, I coldly said, “That’s the beautiful thing about breaking up. You don’t ever have to worry about me again.”

  With that, I peeled off. I caught a glimpse of her brother standing in the door. She might have crumpled to the ground. As I continued on, I told myself she’d only dropped something and bent to pick it up. There was no way she was upset at my words. She had to expect my response. She broke my heart. She certainly hadn’t welcomed Josh back in her good graces after she broke up with him. Why would she ever expect us to be pals?

  twenty-one

  When I pulled up in the darkened driveway, I was happy for the cover of night. I shouldn’t be there. Even though my neighbors didn’t live that close, I couldn’t be sure if they’d been asked to look over the house to make sure thieves didn’t show up. It wasn’t like there was anything left in the house to steal.

  I tried the garage code, and it worked much to my surprise. I pulled the Harley in and hoped my house key would still work. If it didn’t, I would be forced to go to a hotel, which wasn’t in the budget. I could call Mr. Hunt, and they could probably arrange a cheap hotel room for me. But I wasn’t at that point yet. I knew witnesses were allowed such things. I was hoping not to go there.

  The door was unlocked. I guessed the day we left; Mom hadn’t locked it behind us. I walked inside the stark house and dropped my bag on the kitchen island. I didn’t bother to go anywhere else in the house. I had a run to make before I got comfortable for the night.

  I took a chance and drove away knowing I could come back to the police waiting for the prowler who dared to leave a bag to show back up. Luck was on my side. I made it back without trouble.

  There wasn’t furniture left in the house. The pieces that had once remained were in my place in near school. What a waste that turned out to be. I guessed I could turn it into a fuck pad if my dick ever got the message Jess was no longer on the menu.

  I pushed away the thought and took the stairs two at a time. I stopped at the closed door to Dad’s old office. I leaned on the doorframe as a volcano of emotions threatened to explode.

  “Dad.” A choked cry escaped me. I twisted the top off a bottle and drank deeply. “Why the fuck…”

  I couldn’t finish the sentence as guilt came at me like a wrecking ball. I stumbled forward on leaden legs. At the end of the hall, I opened the door to my old room. The blue walls were now white. Mom was confident we would get the house back and had made it sale ready.

  On the edge of entering the empty space, I pondered the analogy of how easily it had been to erase my presence from the only home I’d ever know and Jess’s heart. It had been just as easy for her to replace me with the dick in her life.

  I stepped in and slumped against the wall. I slid to the floor like the rat Mom always told me I’d be. I could have called Bradley. He was on the west coast, but he could have talked me down from the stupor I would soon find myself.

  Instead, I gazed at my three new friends, Bacardi, Absolut, and Patron. All clear, all because I needed a clear head. They weren’t colored with bullshit. They would give it to me straight or better yet, I was taking it straight.

  I released the bag I’d slung on my shoulder before heading upstairs. I drew out the present that had been waiting for me before I’d left to pick up Jess. It was another envelope. That time, it hadn’t been slipped under the door. I’d found it under the pair of boots I preferred to wear when I rode my bike. I hadn’t opened it, not waiting for my reunion with Jess to be spoiled. What a joke.

  I ignored the bottle I opened minutes ago in favor of another. With strength, I eased the cork out of a numbered bottle. I thought about my bill for the alcohol and why I couldn’t afford a hotel room. It would have been one or the other. I was grateful for the other.

  With large gulps, I sucked down the clear liquid and enjoyed the burn. By the time half the bottle was gone, I found the strength to pry my fingers under the seal of the envelope. I’d intended on sharing with Jess everything that was going on. Instead, alone I opened the message that was sure to devastate. Inside were eight words that were meant to send me over the edge.

  The paper crackled as it crumpled in my fist. I tossed it without any consequences. It’s weight, physically, not able to cause the damage to the wall as much as it had mentally.

  It was clear that whoever held my balls knew more about me than they should. I just didn’t know how they could know anything.

  I tilted my head back to allow the Patron I lifted to my mouth to drain down my throat unobstructed. Once halfway finished with the bottle, I pulled a box I’d purposefully left hidden behind a panel in my closet for such an occasion as this. I’d known with my financial situation the way it stood that staying in the house might be my only option. Of course, I’d never expected to stay there alone. I’d expected to use the place to have a rendezvous or two with Jess whenever we were in town. There had been no way I would have sex with her at her father’s house. I respected him too much for that.

  The box contained a blanket with two pillows. Two large towels, a tube of toothpaste, two toothbrushes and soap rounded up my meager belongings. I spread out the blanket and tossed it with one pillow. The envelopes and my bag went into the box before I hid them behind the closet door. It shut soundly as if that was that. I stared at the door as if the inanimate objects in the box spo
oked me from the other side. It wasn’t them that scared me. It was all the memories, good and bad, that drove me to open another bottle. I had to silence all the ghosts that haunted me in what used to be my childhood home.

  My shirt and jeans were tossed haphazardly to one side of the empty room. I listed like a dying vessel in the middle of the ocean. I waited for the liquid to consume my every thought and end the roar in my head. I waited to be pulled under into the quiet and wondered what it would be like not to think, hope, or dream ever again.

  My phone buzzed on the wooden floor like a dying bug a few times before I finally turned it off not bothering to check the screen. There was no one that important left in my life. With only the moonlight, I wondered as my vision blurred how much time had passed and how much longer until I blacked out.

  “Ethan.”

  With my mouth open, I glanced up at the doorway. The room spun and tilted like a carnival ride, so I closed my eyes again.

  “Oh, Ethan.”

  Seeing her should have been confirmation.

  “What are you doing here?” I slurred. If they hadn’t been my words, I don’t think I would have understood myself.

  Cool hands touched my face. “My mom sent food over for you and I was worried.”

  Batting her hands away, I said, “I’m fine. You can go.”

  Every word took effort, and I couldn’t be sure if she understood me. Every syllable was strung together like Christmas lights.

  “Why are you doing this?” she cried, coming close again.

  I tried to half crab walk and half drag myself across the floor in the opposite direction. Her presence was a curse with her being so close, and I couldn’t touch her. It had to be overkill on her part. I knew I’d gone too far when my head hit the wall with a resounding thwack. I could barely understand the pain that floated over me.

  I laughed determined to speak the words before the stars I counted over my head faded to black.

  “Why am I doing this? The only thing I had worth living is gone. I finally understand why my parents left me. It’s obvious I’m not worth anyone’s love.”

  “Ethan,” she said again. I couldn’t be sure because my sight was failing me, but it appeared as though she may have been silently crying.

  I blame the liquor coursing in my veins because I did something I hadn’t done in too many years to count. The floodgate opened. The damn I’d walled up since the day of my father’s death broke.

  “He left me Jess. He couldn’t be bothered to stay alive for me. And then she left. She never loved me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  She was close. Soft hand warm hands found either side of my face. When my eyes opened, I was forced to look in her tear stained eyes.

  I couldn’t be sure if she heard me or if I’d tumbled into a bizarre nightmare. I spoke through lips I couldn’t feel and a tongue that was as dry as stale bread.

  “It is. She told me so herself. She said she never wanted kids, but gave my father the one he wanted. She said he’d loved me more than her. She couldn’t stand to look at me and be reminded of all she gave up only to be left with the scar of my birth across her belly.”

  She wiped at my face, but I wasn’t done. With noodle arms, I tried to push her away.

  “Carly never loved me. She left as soon as something better came along. And Allie. She can’t be bothered to drop a line and tell me how she is. And you. You gave me the kiss off.”

  A warm pair of arms circled me as her body pressed next to mine.

  “Ethan, you are worth everything.”

  She nuzzled next to me, and that’s when I knew I had to be dreaming.

  “So says the girl that dumped me for Asshole.”

  She laughed a little. “He has a name.”

  “Yeah, Asshole Dick, I forgot.” I closed my eyes to try and remember her warmth before my next words. “You need to go. I’m horny as hell and could fuck a hole in the wall if I could find one,” I slurred.

  I was only wearing a tee shirt and boxers. It didn’t take much for her hand to slip under my shirt and push it up. Still drunk off my ass and unbalanced, I found myself tangled in a shirt with my hands over my head when she managed to free me from my prison.

  “Jess, you can’t do this. My resistance is futile.”

  Suddenly, she crawled on top of me and pressed her lips to mine.

  “I believe that’s my line.”

  It had to be a dream. No way had she gone from stone cold heartbreaker to sex kitten in less than a few hours. That didn’t stop lift off. It was fitting to have a wet dream after all these years in the same room where I had my first one.

  There was no waking up without me raining down the wrath of God as she ground her sweet body against me. I cupped her ass and groaned. She felt so real before she pulled back.

  “I’m too drunk to chase you even in dreams. You should leave now before you give me hope.”

  She didn’t leave. She wiggled free from tight jeans and a fitted shirt. Before me, she stood in a black bra and panties. Damn.

  My hand reached out to touch her, but my equilibrium was way off. She straddled me and took my wrist to guide my hand exactly where she wanted it. There was no confusion about her intentions.

  I couldn’t say it was my best performance. In the hazy dream, I was sloppy and greedy while I touched and tasted her. It had been too long, and I was on the brink of spontaneous combustion. Everything spun and at times there was more than one of her which delighted my brain. I mean who would turn down three Jess’s?

  When I had my fill of the preshow snacks, I went for dessert. I couldn’t resist. I needed something else on my tongue other than two of the three friends I brought home from the liquor store.

  Her pleas and moans guided me to the finale. I just hoped I wouldn’t be one minute Willy. Once we were one, I found her mouth needing to meld every part of us together, dream or not. The explosive ending was worth every minute apart. I clung to her like a life line until I had to move to allow her to breathe. With her in the circle of my arms, I finally succumbed to oblivion.

  twenty-two

  the past summer

  Kyle, Jess’s younger brother by three years, was about as tall as I was and still growing. Unlike his sisters, he’d gotten his Dad’s height and dark hair but not his lean frame. He was broader and built like a linebacker. His size didn’t eclipse his age. At fifteen almost sixteen, he was entering his sophomore year of high school. Although it hadn’t been long since I was his age, I couldn’t put together the words he’d spoken. Eye to eye, I could only blink unsure of what to say.

  “Are you going to help me out?”

  I had to be on candid camera or something. I was most definitely being punked.

  “Shouldn’t you ask your Dad?” Even I couldn’t believe I said it. I’d entered an alternate reality, or maybe I was dreaming. Kyle stared at me as if I’d snorted a line of coke in front of him.

  He frowned. “Are you kidding me? You know my parents right?” His brows arched in question. “You’ve eaten dinner with us for like ever. You know I can’t ask my dad. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house or worse… they’d give me the lecture.”

  He shuddered, and I did know his parents. They were good people, which added to them being great parents. I knew what their dad would want me to do. I’d cultivated a really good relationship with him. I should refuse Kyle’s request.

  “I know you have some. Although I’m going to pretend, you aren’t doing anything with my sister.”

  “I only have—”

  Kyle held up a hand. “Don’t say you need what you have.” He shuddered again. “Just tell me you’re out. I don’t need the image of you and Jess together.” He put emphasis on the last word.

  “Okay, I don’t have any.”

  I pulled out my wallet. “Here’s twenty. Go get your own and don’t tell your dad I gave you the money. If he finds out, I’m screwed.”

  “Sure thing. Thanks, bro.”

>   He took off, and I tried to shake off the image of Jess’s little brother and why he needed protection. It was my turn to shudder.

  “What was that all about?” Jess asked coming out of her room.

  “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

  “Guy talk?” I nodded. As if shudders were contagious, she shook. “No, thanks. Keep whatever it was to yourself. Are you ready?”

  I nodded, though I wasn’t quite ready for what was in store for me. I drove us to the theater and stood in line outside in the heat while I sent her to wait on the inside. No need for both of us to end up sweaty. When I walked through the doors, a transformation in me occurred I hadn’t expected.

  Jess stood looking hotter than the sun, so I couldn’t exactly blame the guy. However, the need to mark my territory eclipsed my rational mind.

  “Josh, how’s it going?” I slipped an arm around Jess’s waist and tugged her close.

  So far so good, she didn’t glare up at me in annoyance nor did she step away.

  “You’re still with him?” he asked as if I wasn’t standing there.

  “Josh don’t,” Jess said shaking her head. She gave him pitying eyes, which should have put me at ease. I, however, didn’t like that he’d tried to dismiss me.

  He didn’t take her warning. “You want to end up like his last girlfriend?”

  They were fighting words. The old me would have thrown a punch to shut his pie hole. Instead, I hit him where it really hurt.

  “Or you could be like the last asshole who called her by her sister’s name while they were making out,” I began sarcastically. “Oh, sorry, that was you.”

  He paled and finally gave me his attention before he turned to Jess again. “You know I’m sorry about that. I didn’t end up with her because she wasn’t the one I wanted.”

  I didn’t let Jess speak. She hadn’t slapped me for being an ass, so I continued. “You lost your chance Josh. Pick up your pride and move on. She doesn’t want you.”