Save Me, Daddy: Rainbow Room Book 1

by L. Michael

  “Yeah. Time, ok. Thanks for driving us and for everything.”

  “Anytime, just give us a call. And Jakob?” Darrel held me back as I started to get out of the car. “Make sure that you can talk to someone, too.”

  “I will, thanks, Darrel.” I got out of the car and loaded up with the brigade of stuffed animals and balloons and followed Sam into the building.

  “I'm not hungry.”

  We had the same discussion at every meal. Everything I tried from cons to cajoling to bribing to get Sam to eat failed miserably. By dinnertime on the third day, my patience was gone. Sam dropped in and out of Little space so much it felt like we were on a roller coaster. It made no difference if he was Little or Big; he was moody and emotional. He either fought me or cried in my arms. I could deal with crying and fighting. But Sam, not eating, broke me, and I drew a line in the sand. Enough was enough. He had to eat.

  “I don't care. Hungry or not; you will eat.”

  “No, I won’t!”

  “Sam, tomorrow is going to be tough, and you are going to need your strength.” Internal Affairs had given him time to recover. But now they wanted to talk to him. It was nice that McNeill and Wilkes offered to come over to my place so Sam could have to tell them what happened after the car accident. It was emotionally draining for me just thinking about it, so I could only imagine what it would be like for Sam. But without food, I feared that he would collapse during the interview. “Eat your dinner, Samuel.”

  “I said, I´m not hungry!”

  “And I said that I don't care!”

  “You can't make me!”

  I could feel my self-control slip away every second this fight continued. Before I could say or do something I would regret, I got up and brought my plate to the sink. Then I turned around again. “You're going to sit there until your plate is empty, and I don't care how long it takes.”

  “Fine. Then I´ll sleep in the kitchen. I still won´t eat it!”

  “You know what? My place, my rules. If you want to sleep in the kitchen while you're starving, fine. But then do it at your place! Here, you're going to eat your damn dinner!”

  “I hate you!”

  Deep down, I knew that he was just lashing out at me and that he didn’t mean it. But it felt like a punch in the stomach, and it hurt to hear those words. I took a deep breath and crossed the room but paused in the doorway. “Put your plate in the dishwasher when you finish.”

  Without waiting for an answer, I left the kitchen and went straight to my bedroom. I needed some time to calm down and to think about what just happened. Sam protested and discussed. The outburst was nothing new, but the “I hate you.” Yeah, that was new. Both of us needed time to calm down. Maybe I waited too long to suggest that Sam go and see Ray. Sighing, I went over to my bed and took my phone out.

  “Hey, Des? You got a minute?”

  “Of course, just give me a second.” I could hear the noise from the bar in the background, then a door close, and it was quiet. “Okay, I'm all ears. How you're doing?”

  “Don´t ask.”

  “That bad, huh? Yeah, I get that. It's tough to be the strong Daddy.”

  “Yeah.” Des was right. It was tough, and tonight’s blowup showed me that this had taken a toll on me too. “Listen, can you give me Ray’s number? Sam needs someone he can talk to.”

  “Still that bad?”

  “We just fought about eating. Again. Then he told me that he hates me.”

  “Ouch. But, Jakob…”

  “I know. Sam was just lashing out at me. But…” I sighed and admitted. “Sam needs real help, Des, not the Daddy or boyfriend kind of help.”

  “I agree. I´ll text you Ray’s number. But how are you holding up?”

  “Barely.”

  “You need someone to talk to, too, Jakob. It wasn't just Sam who went through a trauma.”

  “I know.” Deep down, I knew that I was just deflecting by concentrating on Sam and not on my feelings, but Sam was more important than my feelings. “I keep wondering what happened in that basement, what Curtis did to him. I was at the precinct, but Sam was there. He's the one who suffered there. Not me.”

  “I get that, Jakob. But you just said yourself; you're barely holding it together. How can you be strong for Sam if you're struggling? You can’t be two islands drifting through these waters. You have to find a way to come together.”

  Des was right. I couldn't be there for Sam if I ignored my health.

  “I keep watching him sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, and then I just lay there for hours and watch him. It's exhausting, not knowing what to expect when he gets up in the morning. Will he be Big or Little, angry or sad? Yesterday, he woke up from a nightmare completely disoriented. He got so scared that he threw up.” I took a deep breath and admitted, what bothered me the most. “I'm scared to do the wrong thing and send him into a panic attack. I can't forget what he was like when we found him.”

  “I’m just guessing, but maybe that's the reason he's lashing out at you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He trusts you to keep him safe and that you care for him. But you can't do that properly when you're scared of his response. Have you punished him for fighting with you over meals?”

  “What? No, of course not!”

  “If you don't stick to your own rules, how can he trust you to be the Daddy he needs?” Des sighed. “Jakob, walking on eggshells is not going to help him. He needs a therapist, I agree with you there, but he needs structure, too. He needs his Daddy to take charge.”

  I opened my mouth to say something but stopped. Des was right. I'd tried to be there for Sam, I comforted him and cared for him. But a part of us was missing because I wasn't his Daddy. I must have lost myself in those thoughts cause Des finally chuckled.

  “At least you're thinking about my words. I have to go back to work now, but I'll text you Ray´s contact details and tell him that you'll be calling.”

  “Thanks, Des.”

  “Anytime.”

  Shaking my head, I ended the call and put my phone on the nightstand. I promised Sam that he would be safe with me. But I let him down. Des was right. I was so scared I would hurt Sam that I forgot what it meant to be Sam’s Daddy and what I had promised him as his Daddy. Sam needed a connection, and I gave that to him. Physically. But emotionally? I kept my distance, afraid that I might cause a panic attack. Calling Ray was the perfect example. I feared that it was too early for Sam, so I didn't push him. I let Sam decide what was best, but as his Daddy, I should know best. If I wanted to help Sam, things needed to change. Tonight.

  Chapter 19

  Samuel

  Why was he always bothering me to eat? I. Was. Not. Hungry. Besides, he already forced me to have breakfast and lunch. I had no idea why it made me so angry when he told me to eat. It just did. I was just so mad that he was hovering, always shoving food at me. My stomach was already in knots about the visit from the Internal Affairs people tomorrow morning. And I feared that I would throw up again if I had another nightmare. But Jakob kept insisting that I eat my dinner. The tension in the kitchen got thicker and thicker with each angry sentence.

  “I hate you!” I finally snapped. Jakob stopped and stared at me. He looked like I physically hit him, and then he walked towards the door.

  “Put your plate in the dishwasher when you finish.”

  He left without another word, and I shoved the plate away from me. I could hear the bedroom door closing, and then it was quiet in the apartment. All the angry energy left me in a heartbeat, and tears welled up in my eyes. Oh God, why had I said that? I didn't hate my Daddy. I could never hate Jakob. I just wanted. What did I want? I wanted him to hurt, so I wasn't alone with my pain. It stinks being alone.

  I have so much pain inside of me. Rationally I know that I need help to sort it out, but that meant that I had to talk about everything. Then talking meant remembering, and that meant thinking about it. And thinking brought back the nightmares and
flashbacks. Shivering, I got up and went to the only place in Jakob’s apartment that was mine. I walked into the playroom, crawled into the bed, curled up, and pulled the blanket over my head. I cried. Would Daddy make me leave? Did he hate me? More pain to add to the list.

  I don't know how much time had passed when I heard Jakob called out for me. “Sam?”

  Hearing my name had me sobbing again, and I felt even worse for telling him that I hated him. He must have heard me because a couple of seconds later, the blanket pulled back. “Go to the kitchen and stand in the corner.”

  “What?” I turned around and stared up at him. Something was different about him. He wasn't mad at me, and it was more like the afternoon when he´d made me stand in the corner because I hadn't reached out to him.

  “You were a disrespectful little shit, you fought me over dinner, and you lied to me.”

  “I…didn't…lie to you.” Disrespectful, yes, and I had fought him over every meal.

  “You said you hate me, and that was a lie, wasn´t it?”

  I stared up at Jakob, swallowing hard. I waited for the panic to come, but nothing happened. Instead, I felt oddly peaceful.

  “Sam?”

  “I… I don't…don't hate you.”

  “That means you lied to me.”

  “Y-Yes.” I still tried to figure out this odd feeling when Jakob cleared his throat. “Yes, Daddy.”

  “Get up and go to the kitchen, Sam. You´ll stand in the corner for five minutes for lying to me. Another fifteen for being disrespectful.”

  “N-No, please.” The thought of being twenty minutes alone in the corner had me terrified. But this had nothing to do with Curtis. This was because I couldn't stand to be ignored by my Daddy.

  “I´ll help you with the fifteen, but for lying to me, you´ll stand five minutes in the corner without me.” Jakob held out his hand. “After your punishment is over, all will be forgiven, and we'll get you ready for bed. No movie tonight.”

  It took me a long minute to finally take his hand and get up from the bed. We walked in silence into the kitchen, and to the corner that I was supposed to stand in. I could see the frown on his face when he saw my still full plate, but he didn´t say anything. Ashamed, I stared at the wall in front of me.

  “Five minutes on your own, Samuel.”

  Samuel. Not Sam or Baby or Peanut. That hurt more than any other punishment ever. I could hear him walk away, but I didn’t hear him leave the kitchen. Was he still there? What if he left me alone? My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes filled with tears. It was my fault that I was alone in the corner now. Because I said those awful words, I didn’t mean it. There was movement behind me, and I couldn't stop myself. I turned around and saw Jakob standing a few feet behind me.

  “Eyes on the wall, please.”

  “I… I am sorry. I'm so sorry, Daddy.”

  “I know you are, but you need to learn your lesson, Sam. No lying to Daddy.”

  “Please, I can't… do this alone.” My tears fell, and I hiccupped on a sob. “I-I need you, Daddy.”

  “That's why you lashed out at me, wasn't it? You needed your Daddy and…”

  “No! Yes? Maybe?” Since Jakob had found me in the basement, he had taken care of me. He had been the best partner and boyfriend. But Daddy? He let me be Little, he played with me, cuddled me, and bathed me. But it had been different. Before, he would never let me get away with my behavior. Now it was like he was afraid I was going to break. Maybe I was going to break. With a frown, I looked back at him again. “I don't really know why I said it. I am just so angry and hurting, and I… want you to hurt, too.”

  “Fair enough, I guess. But now turn back towards the wall. Let's get this punishment over with, so all can be forgiven, and we can get you ready for bed. We can talk more about this tomorrow.” Jakob joined me in my corner, sat on the floor, and pulled me down on his lap. As promised, he held me through the last fifteen minutes of my punishment. “Very good, Sam. All is forgiven.” He wrapped me in his arms and held me. I felt oddly peaceful.

  After that, he made me eat some yogurt with blueberries before we went on to the bathroom. Daddy held my cock while I peed and brushed my teeth. Then he brought me to bed, his bed, and tucked me in. He handed me my turtle, kissed my forehead, and got up again. “Daddy? Where are you going?”

  “Just to the bathroom, Baby. I´ll be right back with you.”

  I nodded and snuggled into the bed, hugging my turtle to my chest. While I waited for Daddy to return, I watched the door. My mind was surprisingly quiet, and I tried to figure out what the difference was. Then I realized that when Daddy took over, I didn't feel so alone with my pain and fears anymore. I needed my Daddy, and he came to my rescue.

  “Stop thinking so hard, Baby.” Jakob snapped me out of my thoughts when he slipped into bed beside me. He already dimmed the light, but he left the small night light on.

  “I just thought that you're right. I-I snapped because I wanted you to hurt, I don’t want to be the only one in pain and because I need my Daddy.”

  “I figured as much. I thought that you would need time to heal before we could go back to the rules, but I was wrong. And I apologize. I let you down.”

  “Do you…do you think I'll ever be normal again?” I whispered, afraid of what he might say. What if he thought that I’m broken? I swallowed at the thought of Jakob breaking up with me. Of him wanting a normal boy, who isn’t a mess. But Jakob only smiled at me, took my glasses off, and kissed my forehead, and then sweetly kissed my lips. He turned around to put my glasses on the nightstand, then he rolled back and stroked my cheek.

  “My sweet Sam. You are normal, and you are so strong, too. We'll get through this, okay?” Jakob looked thoughtful for a second, and then he started to gently stroke my chin. “Baby, I know someone who could help you. Des’s brother Ray is a psychologist. I made an appointment for you to talk with him. He will help you to deal with all this.”

  “I don't like psychologists. When all the problems in school started, they made me see someone.” Sighing, I hugged the turtle even closer and shrugged. “Until my parents decided to homeschool me, I went to four therapists, and none of them understood me.”

  “I understand that, but I can promise you that Ray is different from other psychologists.”

  “How?”

  “Well, first, he's a Daddy. Second, you know Des. Ray is his brother. They may not look alike, but Ray has the same big heart. And the most important point, I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think he could help you.”

  “Okay.” I agreed with a sigh while snuggling closer to him. “As long as he's not wearing a tweed jacket and smells like old man, I'll give it a try.”

  “I promise you, Baby, Ray is nothing like that. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.” Jakob squeezed me and kissed my head. Hmm, nothing like that? What would he be like? Thoughts of an outrageous clown riding a unicycle wandered through my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

  ◆◆◆

  I was emotionally drained and exhausted from the visit from Internal Affairs, but Jakob insisted that I was going to see Ray today. I just wanted to stay home and hide in my Little space. But I had to listen to Daddy. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was blown away by Ray Hayes when I walked into the Rainbow Room. My brain stopped functioning. That’s the only explanation I have for standing in the middle of the Rainbow Room, staring open-mouthed at Ray Hayes.

  Daddy was right. Ray was not like any therapist I had ever seen. I thought that Andrew was a bear of a man, but compared to Ray Hayes, Andrew was a bear cub. Ray stood over six and a half feet tall with broad shoulders and muscles built upon muscles. I swear I was looking at a walking talking brick wall. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt. No, he wasn’t wearing it, the shirt was painted on. He had on torn blue jeans, and his outfit finished off with some neat black biker boots. He had a soft-looking, neatly trimmed beard, soft and caring green eyes, and dark hair with silver strands peppered throughout.


  “If you're done ogling Ray, you should say hello, Baby.” Jakob chuckled beside me, and I blushed. Without any possibility to hide, I looked at the floor and swallowed hard.

  “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude by staring at you,” I whispered an apology, but Ray only laughed.

  “Don't worry. I get that look a lot from Littles.”

  “And from Boys. And Middles. And Pups.” Des added, laughing too. “Basically, from every gay man on this planet who is into biker Daddies or Bears. That's why I hide him upstairs. Otherwise, he would never get any work done.”

  “You´re just jealous that I'm the good-looking brother.” Ray winked at me when I peeked up at him and grinned. “Now shall we get started? Is it okay if I call you Sam, or do you prefer Samuel?”

  “S-Sam is fine.”

  “Okay, Sam. I'm Raymond Hayes, feel free to call me Ray. But I am sure you already heard all that from your Daddy.” I nodded while I tried not to laugh at his name. Raymond and Desmond. The rhyming brothers. “My office is upstairs. If you want, you can come with me and leave your Daddy. Or he can walk with you upstairs. But I would like to talk to you alone.”

  “Oh.” I looked from Ray to Jakob. He was right, Ray was a nice person and not at all what I expected from a psychologist. But going without Jakob?

  “Baby, why don't I bring you upstairs, and then I can come down here to wait for you?” Jakob suggested, and when I sighed in relief, he smiled and turned towards Des. “I´ll be right back. Make me a coffee in the meantime, please?”

  “You got it.” Des nodded, then he turned towards me with a smile. “When you get done with Ray, there will be a surprise waiting for you, sweet boy.”

  “A surprise?” Jakob took my hand and led me out of the bar and to the back. Damn. We followed Raymond to the second floor, and I forgot about my surprise when we entered his office. It was painted a warm red with lots of colorful paintings hanging on the wall. It looked warm and welcoming. But what caught my interest was the shelves with the stuffed animals and toys.