Save Me, Daddy: Rainbow Room Book 1

by L. Michael

  “That's one bonus having a therapist who is also a Daddy. You get to play while we talk.” Ray said with a smile and pointed to the shelves. “Go on. You can choose a stuffie or a toy.”

  I wanted to rush over, but Jakob held me back. “I'll be downstairs, Baby. If you need me, just send me a message, and I´ll be here within seconds.”

  “Okay, Daddy. Thank you.” Daddy gave me a soft kiss, then he left. Before the door closed, I was standing at the shelves and carefully studying the toys and stuffies. There were all different sorts, but I finally took a cute looking T-Rex.

  “Good choice.” Ray praised my choice. Ray was already sitting, so I joined him on my comfy looking chair, pulled my legs up, and fidgeted with the T-Rex. “Relax, Sam. I am not going to interrogate you, and this is not a therapy session. We're just going to talk.”

  “Isn't that what therapy sessions are about? I mean talking?” I blinked when Ray threw his head back and let out a booming laugh.

  “Right, yes. I already heard that you're a smart cookie.”

  “Huh?”

  “Des told me about the cute Little Doctor that Jakob was seeing, and your Daddy told me a little about your past experiences with therapists.”

  “Oh. Yeah, that.”

  “I know everything about your aversion to tweed jackets and old man smell. That´s why I went for the cool Biker Daddy look today.”

  “You did?” I stared at Ray until I realized that his eyes were sparkling with humor. “Hey! You´re my therapist! You´re not allowed to make fun of me.”

  “Now that we established that I’m your therapist, why don't we talk about the conversation you had with Internal Affairs today.”

  For the second time in just a few minutes, I stared open-mouthed at Ray Hayes. “That was…sneaky!” I gasped after I found my voice again. “Brilliant, but sneaky. And mean. Let's not forget, mean.”

  “I'm a Daddy. It's in my job description to be sneaky. And brilliant, of course. Mean is a matter of perspective.”

  “Of course.” I chuckled and began to absent-mindedly stroking the T-Rex. I was quiet for a moment before I took a deep breath and looked at Ray again. Then I told him everything about the Internal Affairs meeting. Once I started to talk, it seemed that I couldn't stop. I talked and talked, while Ray sat and listened. The more I spoke, the more I felt the weight of life lifting off my chest. I didn’t notice tears had started to streak down my cheeks until Ray handed me a handkerchief. I just kept talking.

  Chapter 20

  Jakob

  I made my way back downstairs and joined Des in a booth. He had two cups of coffee on the table in front of him. I sat down on the bench and took a long sip from the hot coffee before I looked at Des. “Thanks, I needed that.”

  “Another rough night?”

  “Not really, no. After I called you, I set things straight with Sam. I think he was too exhausted to have nightmares. But the drive here was tough. Sam is still scared of car drives.”

  “Ray will help. It will take time, but he'll get better.”

  “After what I heard this morning, I'm not so sure about that.”

  “Right, yes. You mentioned that Internal Affairs wanted to talk to Sam.”

  “Des, I…” Sighing, I rubbed over my eyes until I felt movement beside me. I looked up and saw my good friend sitting beside me. I was grateful for the comforting contact and leaned into his side. “What Sam told us… Curtis had nothing to lose, and he wanted to take us down with him. He took Sam because he got him fired and to get back at me, Des. Curtis wanted to shoot a video to punish me. He wanted to rape Sam. With a beer bottle.” Des paled and swallowed but listened. “He wanted to do it in front of a camera so that I could watch it. Internal Affairs has the tape. It's all there. Curtis is beating Sam, telling him what he would do to him until SWAT barged in.”

  “Please tell me you haven't seen it.”

  “No. No, of course not. But seeing Sam talking about what happened, it was like he was there again. He was shaking like a leaf and crying. When they told us about the video, he ran out of the room and threw up.” I shook my head and closed my eyes when Des laid his arm around my shoulders. “I know that victims can get over things like that with time and therapy. But I've also seen victims who never got over it. Drugs, alcohol, suicide.”

  “Sam is a strong man, and he is getting all the help he needs. He has you, me, your dad, Ray, even Darrel, and Josh will help him. They were here yesterday for dinner, and Josh is worried about Sam. He likes him and swears they are meant to be best friends. Sam has a strong support group of friends and a family gathering around him. He´s going to be okay, Jakob.”

  “I’m thinking about quitting my job.”

  “Excuse me?” Des leaned back to look at me. “What did you just say?”

  “I said I am thinking about quitting my job.” Being a cop took a toll on everyone around you, and Luke Lennox´s case had been my first wake up call. But now, after what had happened with Curtis, I gave serious thought about retiring. “Sam needs me and, um...” I took a drink of coffee and thought about how to explain my feelings. “I don't know if I could go back to the precinct.”

  “Because of Curtis?”

  “I may not have liked him, but we worked together for nearly nine years. He was a cop. Brothers-in arms. But not only that.” For a moment, I again thought of Luke Lennox and wondered how he was coping and if he found a therapist. “It's the cases, too. I don´t know if I could be objective anymore. No that’s wrong, after Sam’s kidnapping, I KNOW I couldn’t be objective. And Sam needs me, Des. He's on sick leave. I can only take a little time off, and then I would have to go back and leave him behind. I can’t do that to him.”

  “Okay, wait. Let me get this right. You want to quit your job because you think you can't trust your colleagues anymore? Because you think you can't handle the cases anymore and because you want to be there for Sam.”

  “I think that sums it up, yep.” I drank from my coffee and thought for a second about it. “Do you think I'm crazy?”

  “No, Jakob. I don't think you´re crazy. What happened would unsettle anyone, and I get your arguments. I have to say that for the first time in your life, your top priority is not your job anymore. It's your Little Boy.” Des smiled at me and nudged me with his elbow. “You´re a good detective, Jakob. You can put your skills to good use doing pretty much anything. There's nothing wrong with putting your Boy first.”

  I took a deep breath and nodded slowly. Des was right. It was time for me to move on. “Thanks, Des. Seriously.”

  “You're welcome. Any thought on what you're going to do?”

  “Not really no. I wasn't sure if I was ready to give my notice.” I shrugged and emptied my cup of coffee. I’ve never done anything else, but I always wanted to help and protect people. “You know, Caden? He has this Victims' Rights Law Office. They sometimes hire a private investigator. I could do something like that.”

  “Sounds like a good match. What about Sam?”

  “We haven´t spoken about it, but I doubt that he's going back to work for the NYPD.” I frowned when a thought struck me. “You know, I should talk to him about it. Maybe he will want to join me. He could do research, and whatever else he does with his computers.”

  “Daddy and Little Boy Private Investigations. I like that.” Des grinned at me.

  “Yeah, but with a different name.”

  “Daddy!”

  We were interrupted when Sam´s voice rang out through the still empty bar. Ray and I had decided that it would be best to come here when the bar was still closed because no one could predict how Sam would react to people.

  “Daddy!” Sam yelled again and started to run towards the booth we were sitting in. I sighed and opened my mouth, but Ray and Des beat me to it.

  “No, running!”

  “Sorry!” Sam yelled back and slowed down but still rushed over to our booth. “Daddy look what I got! Raawwwrrrrr.” He stopped in front of the booth and held out
a plush T-Rex. “Ray said I could keep it. It's my therapy friend.”

  “Your therapy friend, huh?” With a thankful smile, I nodded. Ray had gotten Sam to agree to therapy. Thank God. Not that I doubted Ray, but Sam had been so reluctant to trust a psychologist. “That means we're coming back?”

  “Yes.” Sam sighed, then shrugged and nodded. “Ray is okay, I guess.”

  “Wow, Sam. Thanks for that glowing review.”

  “I´m glad you think so, Peanut.” I watched him fidget with the plushie, frowning at Des and shifting from one foot to the other. It took me a moment to realize that Sam had no way to get to me. But before I could get Des out of the booth, Ray stepped up behind Sam.

  “Hey Des, why don't you take Sam and show him his surprise?”

  Des looked from his brother to Sam, before he got up and out of the booth. “That's a great idea. Do you want your surprise, Sam?”

  “Uhm…” Sam looked from me to Des and back to me. His predicament was written all over his face. He wanted his surprise, but he needed to feel some contact with his Daddy as well.

  “Come over here. Give Daddy a hug and then go with Des, Peanut.” I opened my arms, and Sam rushed over, crawled over the bench, and threw himself into my arms. The dinosaur was crushed between us while Sam hugged me tightly. “I´ll wait right here, Peanut. Aren't you curious what Des got you?”

  “Yes, but…” Sam hid his face in my neck. “I needed this.”

  “Me too, Baby.” I just held him until Sam started to wiggle in my arms. “Go on. Go with Uncle Des.”

  “You'll wait for me?” There was so much uncertainty and worry in his voice. I glanced at Ray, who only smiled. If Ray smiled, it couldn´t be that bad.

  “Always, Baby. Now go get your surprise.” For a second, he just looked at me, and before I could wonder what was going on, Sam leaned forward and kissed me. It was a soft, careful kiss, but he kissed me. It was the first time that Sam initiated it, and that made it so much more important. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that I loved him, but this was neither the time nor the place. Instead, I kissed him back and gently nudged him away from me. “Go on. I'm curious to see what Des got you.”

  Sam squealed and scrambled off the bench. “Me too! Come on, Uncle Des. I want my surprise.”

  “Okay, let´s go. I just need to remember where I put it.”

  “What?” Sam's face fell until I realized that Des was laughing. “You´re Uncle Meanie. You know where it is.”

  “Kitchen? No, wait, my office. Or was it at my apartment? No, I think I left it behind the bar.”

  “Deeeeeessssssss!”

  I laughed while I watched them cross the bar, Sam hopping beside Des, who kept coming up with places where the surprise could be. For the first time since Curtis had kidnapped him, I saw a glimpse of my sweet Sam.

  “He´s going to be okay, Jakob,” Ray said, reading my mind. Smiling softly, he sat down on the other side of the booth. “Sam agreed to meet me once a week. If necessary, we can meet more. I also gave him my phone number for emergencies. He can reach me at any time.”

  “Is he okay with you telling me that?”

  “We talked about that, and we established some ground rules. Everything Sam tells me is under patient confidentiality. Some things Sam will tell you on his own, and some things, he'll allow me to tell you.” Ray leaned forward and tapped his fingers on the table for a second. “I don't have to tell you that relationships like ours are different and incredibly unique. It can make therapy difficult. Sam is my patient, but he is also a Little. And sometimes a Daddy can help more than any therapist ever could. So, there are things you will need to know.”

  “As long as this is okay with Sam.” I agreed with Ray. “What can I do to help him? Is there anything I can do?”

  “There are a lot of things you can do, Jakob.” Ray leaned forward and looked thoughtful for a moment before he continued. “First of all, Sam's world got turned upside down. Again. He told me about Boston and how that changed his life. He had to leave everything behind to get a fresh start, and now it happened again. The only constant in his life is his Little side.”

  “Is that why he´s slipping in and out of it?”

  “That and being Little is safe for his mind, yes. You know, everyone reacts differently to trauma. Some even lose their memories. Our psyche does whatever is necessary to protect us and to process the trauma. For Sam, it is his Little space. For you, that means that Sam needs strict rules and a firm, Daddy.”

  “Whatever he needs.” I would do anything for Sam, and Ray knew that because he smiled and nodded.

  “A schedule could help him to feel safe. It would give him structure. Times for breakfast, a nap, things like that. And one more thing. Sam is worried about going back to his apartment. He wanted me to talk to you about that.”

  For a second, I simply stared at Ray. Sending Sam back to his apartment hadn't even occurred to me. I needed him to feel safe, but I needed him with me so I could protect him. I couldn't stand the thought of being apart from Sam, not after I almost lost him. Ray seemed to read my mind because he laughed.

  “Yeah, I already told Sam that you would want to have him close.”

  “I do. I almost lost him, Ray, if he's not in the same room, I fear that he's gone again.”

  “I know. That is something you both share right now, and you need to develop that connection. But try not to be too clingy. He needs space as much as he needs to be close to you.”

  I frowned at that. “I'm not sure if I understand. Keep him close but give him space? How is that supposed to work?”

  “If he is in his Little space, hold him as close as possible, but when he´s adult, give him space. Strict rules and a schedule for his Little time and more slack for big Sam.” Ray tapped his lips like he was thinking about something. “You know, Sam told me about your fights about his eating. And before you ask, Sam said I could talk to you about it. For him, it is about control. He needs to be able to control something. So, he chose food. He needs you to be his Daddy, but he needs to control something. Maybe get him involved in the menu planning. Let him know that not eating is unacceptable but let him control what you have to eat. You need to put your foot down about some things, but he needs to be able to control something. Maybe let him plan the events for the evening. Something that he can control. Obviously, within reason.”

  “Ok, I can do that. Let Sam be more involved and let him have a bit of control?”

  “Yes. I think that will go a long way to help Sam feel empowered. But he promised me that we would talk more about this.”

  “No, I think you’re on the right track.” I said, frowning, while I thought about it. “Every rape victim I ever worked with told me that control was essential for them. The rapist took the control away from them, for Sam as a Little, it's natural, that I decide what and when he eats, but for Sam as an adult, it could be exactly like this.”

  “That is what I was thinking, too, when he told me about it.”

  “I´ll keep that in mind. Thank you for telling me, Ray.”

  “Hey, we're here for the same reason. We want to help Sam.”

  “And I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.” I smiled at Ray, and he nodded as a response. Then I remembered my conversation with Des, and I cleared my throat. “Have you talked with Sam about his work? I mean if he wants to go back?”

  “It's too early for that. Sam is not ready to process that. Why?”

  “I just talked to Des about me retiring and what I would do then. I thought about Caden and his work as a Victims Lawyer. I thought that maybe I could do some private investigation, and Sam would be perfect as a researcher.”

  “I have to ask, is this a rushed decision because of what happened?”

  “No. I've thought about it before, but what happened just kind of settled it.” And the more I thought and talked about it, the more confident I felt with my decision. “You just talked to Sam and explained to me what I need to do to hel
p him. Me, Ray. Can you honestly tell me that he´d be okay if something happened to me when I get back to work?”

  Over the table, Ray looked at me for a moment before he slowly shook his head. “No. It would destroy him.”

  “I can't do that to him, Ray. Sam is my Boy.” I shook my head, took a deep breath, and told him what was on my mind. I never told anyone about what my dad had revealed while we waited on the news about Sam. But Ray was a friend, a Daddy, and a psychologist. “I haven’t told anyone, but my dad told me something. While we were waiting for news on Sam, he told me that he's…. he was a Daddy to my Mom.”

  “And now you see your Mom's reactions differently,” Ray said after he nodded thoughtfully. “You didn’t know?”

  “No. Well, I guess I always wondered. But no. He never told me.”

  “That’s funny. I met your dad once during a Pride Parade. Now that you tell me that… yeah. He's a Daddy.” Ray laughed, seeming lost in his memories for a moment before the thoughtful look returned on his face. “I get your point, but I think it's too early to talk to Sam about it. He´s far away from thinking about work. Give me a little time with him, and then we can talk about it, okay?”

  “Whatever is best for him.”

  Before I could say more, a high-pitched squeal echoed through the bar. Both Ray and I turned to look towards the kitchen just in time to see Sam bursting through the doors. The soundtrack of Jaws followed him, and Sam squealed again. I turned my face to look at Ray and shrugged. “Always the best for my Little Boy.”

  Chapter 21

  Samuel

  My first therapy session was hard. I discussed some weighty topics, but Ray was able to keep it light. I wanted to cuddle up on my Daddy's lap, but there were more important things to do before we could go home. Ray needed to talk to Daddy, and Des had promised me a surprise. Now entirely in Little mode, the surprise was all I could think of after I kissed my Daddy. “Go on. I'm curious to see what Des got you.”

  I squealed and scrambled off the bench. “Me too! Come on, Uncle Des. I want my surprise.”