Reckless Mind

by Wiginton, Heather

  Reckless Mind

  by Heather Wiginton

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Reckless Mind Playlist

  “Say Something” - A Great Big World

  “Haunted” - Taylor Swift

  “Tears Don't Fall” - Bullet For My Valentine

  “Story Of My Life” - One Direction

  “Gravity” - Sara Bareilles

  “The Fantasy” - 30 Seconds to Mars

  “The Feel Good Drag” - Anberlin

  “Bleed” - Hot Chelle Rae

  “Give Me Love” - Ed Sheeran

  “What's My Name” - Rihanna/Drake

  “Apologize” - One Republic

  “Hurt” - Nine Inch Nails

  “What Do I Have To Do” - Stabbing Westward

  “All These Things I Hate” - Bullet For My Valentine

  “Nightingale” - Demi Lovato

  “A Drop In The Ocean” - Ron Pope

  “I Knew You Were Trouble” - Taylor Swift

  “Russian Roulette” - Rihanna

  “True love is friendship set on fire...”

  Prologue

  Looking through the cold water covering my head in the deep, round bath sitting in the middle of the room, my body long since trained not to struggle, I no longer responded. Eight small cracks covered the peeling eggshell colored ceiling. One semi large spider hung in a corner. My lungs ached, I fought against it. Dim moonlight came in through the parted curtains blowing ever so slightly with the summer breeze coming in the window. This wasn't my first, or twentieth, time in this position. I used to think my life would end this way, or another equally tragic scenario, at the hands of people who should love me.

  I had long since removed my heart from everything involving my life. All I experienced and saw love to be was an excuse to receive forgiveness for words cutting across wrists like knives, for hands leaving marks behind dusting the skin in various shades of black, for meaningless relationships paraded around to break a heart, and unspeakable actions surely meant to break the mind. But as long as the words I'm sorry were uttered all was to be forgotten.

  Today I'd leave the bullshit behind, start my new life. Bringing my head above water quietly I pulled in gasped breaths through my mouth, cloudy vision began to right itself. I didn't deserve to breathe, or so I was told, my mere existence ruined lives. How many lives I'm not sure. It seemed only theirs, but then again I didn't let anyone close enough to me to be certain.

  They didn't know I'd leave or where I'd go. No number or address would be left behind on the pristine fake marble counter in their precious kitchen, I wouldn't take a single piece of clothing or shoes they ever begrudgingly gave me. I'd had a job for the last year and a half, secretly saving money. They never knew because that would involve caring about something other than what I could get them. To them I equaled a monthly paycheck, a flaunted pawn used in obtaining connections.

  Everyone in my life wanted something from me. Everyone. If I couldn't provide what they deemed necessity, I was punished, scars and memories mark my body and mind making sure I never forgot what love would do to me.

  I didn't speak to the people I was forced to live with, even if I did it would fall on deaf ears. Friends were easy to come by in high school, but I played a role. I gave them what they wanted to see on the outside. Hanging out at football and basketball games, talking in school, but that's where it ended. No one ever came to my house, no one knew the real me. Guys tried to date me, they flirted, and I was well informed of certain touches and actions to make a man want me. Sometimes I found myself doing these things out of habit to the boys in school, but nothing progressed. They'd call me a tease, I'd roll my eyes and tell them they were stupid to think I'd ever want them in the first place.

  At night I'd cry myself to sleep because I did, I did want them. Not any of them specifically, but I wanted even one person to want me for me. I needed to work through my shit, get away from everything pulling me down, and that's why I was moving across the country. Old habits have to be broken, and for fuck's sake, I needed to try to be a person worthy of someone actually giving a shit about me.

  I hear old habits are hard to break.

  Three thirty in the morning, I throw on black skinny jeans, a grey oversized tshirt, and flip flops. My bags have been packed for weeks, I pulled the two small duffles out from under my bed. The cab would be here in five minutes, my plane ticket tucked into my back pocket.

  Silently I tip toed down the stairs and out the front door, mentally flipping the whole place off. Not a single tear ran down my face as I walked away from the house that was a prison instead of a home. And so I repeated to myself the same thing I had been since I decided to leave.

  My name is Kahlen Jourdan.

  I'm eighteen.

  My mind is royally messed up.

  I'm moving across the country to start over.

  I'm going to college.

  I will get my shit together.

  But...I will never fall in love.

  Chapter 1

  (Three months later)

  I successfully managed to stay off the radar all summer long. The small apartment I secured for myself was more than I needed, and the money I'd saved was holding me over to this point, but there were bills to pay and food to buy, so I had to get a job. I'd only had one job before, spent working by myself basically, so the thought of starting somewhere new made my mind race. I felt physically ill.

  More college kids moved in this week to the apartment buildings surrounding me, but the two apartments directly across from mine were still empty. If the universe was ever going to bestow some kindness on me I'd take it in the likes of no one living across the hall.

  Over the summer I distanced memories of growing up from my mind, trying to find things to genuinely make me happy. I took an art and dance class at the local community center, and quickly realized I couldn't draw to save my life. Dance on the other hand had become a therapeutic release for me. For the first time in my life I'd found a way to escape and forget the torment ricocheting in my mind.

  The music store I applied to was across the street from the community center, so I would still be able to fit dance in easily with my work and school schedule. Slipping some sandals on, I headed out for campus orientation. The sun was brilliant in South Carolina, the humidity on the other hand, especially here in Columbia, could be a little overwhelming, but I didn't mind.

  I locked my car, pulled my folded orientation sheet from my back pocket, and made my way to what everyone around here called the horseshoe, which was at the heart of the University of South Carolina. Slowly, I approached a smaller group than expected, eyeing each person standing there and keeping my distance. Out of the corner of my eye blonde flashed my direction.

  “Oh, thank fucking gosh.” A petite girl grabbed my hand and brought me closer to the group. “I thought I was going to be lef
t here with all these idiots,” her hands moved animatedly in front of her body, not keeping her voice down one bit.

  Two very shy looking girls half turned to look at her, and a guy rolled his eyes. “Those two are attached at the damn hip,” she pointed at the girls. “And that asshat asked me out before even asking my name.” The guy she spoke of turned to his friend who gave him a fist bump.

  “Huh, asshat indeed.” I mumbled quietly. The rest of the group ignored the new friend to my right.

  “I'm Emma Lucas. Blonde, loud, gorgeous,” she motioned up and down her body. “Freshman, and right now, annoyed. Please tell me we are going to be best friends.” The look on her face was knowing, I was unsure. Emma was gorgeous, her green eyes sparkled in a way I could only describe as mischievous. Bright peach shorts were shorter than mine, she wore a gorgeous loose chiffon stripped halter, and some wedge sandals. I was intimidated, but I wanted this, needed it.

  “Alright, yeah.” I swallowed, reminding myself it was time to start over, and Emma seemed like she could be the first real friend I'd had my entire life. “I'm Kahlen Jourdan. Brunette, not so loud, not so gorgeous,” I mimicked her hand gestures. “Freshman, and nervous more than anything.”

  Emma laughed, immediately I grew self-conscious. I didn't want to put on my fake I'm-going-to-act-super-confident-even though-I'm-lying-about-it Kahlen anymore. I wanted to just be me, and right now I was feeling vulnerable. “Kahlen Jourdan, you are definitely all right in my book. If you think you're anything less than drop dead gorgeous you're blind.” Her eyebrows raised and a devilish grin spread across her face. “Here, I'll show you what I mean.”

  She walked over to a group of guys, all looking like they just stepped out of a Jcrew catalog spread with their cropped hair, kahki cargo shorts, and multi-colored polos between them. When she turned to me pointing I wondered what the hell she was up to. Her smile lit up her face as she nodded to the guys, turning away from them she returned to my side.

  “Every single guy over there wants to be your personal escort around campus.” My mouth dropped open, letters refusing to formulate words, I was officially speechless for a second before I realized if I didn't speak they might actually make their way over.

  “What did you say to them?”

  “That we need a bit of help navigating the campus.” I noticed she had the common southern touch to her words like almost every person I'd come in contact with did. “Two of them said they'd help me. The other three wanted to know who my friend was.” Her eyebrows wiggled up and down.

  Only being told I was ugly and worthless for so many years had made me believe it, but I was trying to overcome the lies now. A few horny college guys, who would probably screw anything with two legs that was willing, was not my idea of reinforcement of the positive spin I tried to put on my thoughts of myself lately.

  One of the guys turned, I saw him debating if he should come over, then he moved our direction. Immediately my mind flashed to the past, of being told how to make a man want me. Had I done something to make him think he should come over? Bile rose in the back of my throat. My mind played tricks on me, shifting the face of the boy who walked toward me through many others I'd seen over the last few years. Breath came in short gasps, and my vision blurred. Turning away with my back to Emma and whoever he was, I told myself to pull it together. My mind was a reckless thing still learning to function without constantly bringing up past memories I'd locked away.

  “Kahlen, this is,” nothing. I heard nothing but ringing in my ears. I pressed my hands on either side of my head to cover any sound trying to enter, and I sank to my knees on the plush green grass squeezing my eyes open and closed trying to clear the varying images floating through my head. Emma came into my line of sight, she wasn't speaking though. Slowly she put her hands, palms facing me, up in front of her, I think showing me she wasn't going to hurt me. Her soft slender fingers wrapped around my wrists, her curious eyes locked on mine, she moved my hands away from my ears.

  “Kahlen.” She questioned without asking anything, but I could tell by the look on her face she didn't think my behavior was normal. My mind slipped away wondering what she would think of me...probably that I heard voices or was sick with a disease that had my mind making my body do things I'd never dream of doing in front of people. Or maybe Emma just suspected I hid more than I told. If that was the case, she couldn't be more right. “You're alright, girl. Get up and let's get this orientation thing started.” The tentative smile crossing her lips somehow gave me comfort. No one had ever been genuinely nice to me before, not necessarily for lack of trying, some would try but I never wanted to get close to anyone, never accepted it. I nodded as she helped me up off the ground. The entire group was ahead of us because of me.

  I guess they were right, I did ruin lives. I'd only known Emma for five minutes and already people avoided her because of me. “Listen, Emma,” I don't know why, but for the first time in years I felt a prickle sensation in my eyes that I thought meant I might cry. That was a lie, it came to me so easily even my own mind lied to itself. I did know why I felt emotional. It was because I wanted it. I wanted to open up, to have someone to call my friend, but I didn't want her pulled into my past. “You don't want to be friends with someone like me. I'm not...well. There are things...my life...I just think it would be better for you if you distanced yourself from me.”

  I couldn't look at her when she told me I was right because it would hurt. It would be confirmation that everything I grew up hearing and believing was the truth. I stared at the ground shifting my weight from side to side.

  “I happen to be a great judge of character, Kahlen, so you can just shut the hell up now. You aren't getting rid of me that easily.” I dared look at her, she smiled warmly at me. She didn't tell me I was worthless or only good to get her what she wanted. Emma hooked her arm with mine, bumping my hip with her own, and tugged me forward so we could catch back up with the orientation group.

  Maybe things could get better. Maybe Emma could be a friend, one who I could tell the things I've never told anyone in my life to. Right now I needed to get through this orientation, get back to my place, and get ready for my first day at the music store just off campus. I hadn't taken in much from orientation, and neither had Emma, mostly because she asked about my classes and what dorm I was in.

  “You live off campus? You bitch!” She laughed, but I flinched instinctively. Emma's smile faltered for only a moment, but her eyes narrowed on me. I knew she was trying to figure me out, but I didn't feel like helping her, not yet. Trust was something I'd never learned, it definitely didn't come easy to me, and I didn't think an hour of knowing someone automatically gave them access to it or anything else about me.

  “Um, yeah. Just by myself though. It's not a big place, but it's enough for me.”

  “Why don't I come over after this and help you get ready for your first day!” She was so excited by the thought I couldn't think of a way to say no to her even though the idea of someone entering my personal space had me feeling like my lungs weren't getting enough air.

  “Okay, sure.” My brain silently yelled and cussed me out for agreeing. I didn't think there were any tell tale signs that would give away my past by being at my apartment, but there would be questions once she was there. I'd avoid those conversations. I was good at avoidance.

  “I can help you get ready too, work off some of those nerves you must be having,” the guy who hit on Emma earlier spoke to me suggestively from in front of us. I didn't know what to say. Actually I did, but my voice just wouldn't work.

  “Oh, hell no. You can go fuck yourself. Douche.” Emma leaned in closer to him from behind as she spoke. I admired her ability to tell people exactly what she thought. I could learn a thing or two from her.

  We got in my Civic and I cranked the air. My tank top stuck to every inch of my skin, I definitely needed to shower. Emma seemed to easily make herself at home scanning through radio stations until she settled for one playing curr
ent pop tracks. It was a quick drive to my apartment, and I noticed more people and cars arriving around campus to start the new college year.

  “Oh, no way!” Emma practically yelled as I pulled into a parking spot in the lot for my building. “Kahlen, my brother lives here. I'm over at his place all the time! See I knew we'd be besties the second I laid eyes on you.” She gave me a peck on the cheek and hopped out of the car. My body was in shock at the physical contact, I couldn't move. Palms slick with nervous sweat, heart thudding loud enough I was certain she could hear it outside the damn car, I was half tempted to drive away and leave her there.

  She opened my door, “Come on, what are you doing? I want to see your place!” Emma reached over me and unhooked my seat belt, grabbed my hand, and started pulling me from the car. Obviously physical contact was not something she had an issue with, but it was for me. Quickly I tugged my hand away from her, hurrying past her up the stairs hoping it seemed like I just wanted to open the door, rather than get away from her.

  Not being able to think of anything else to say, but feeling like the silence was uncomfortable, I asked a random question hoping to distract her from noticing it was the fourth time I'd acted weird since she'd met me. Keeping her talking about herself had to be a better way to go. “You're brother lives over here?”

  “Yeah, he doesn't go to college here anymore though. He got his associates and told my parents they'd have to deal with the fact school just wasn't his thing.” She let out a sad laugh, probably remembering the conversation. “He's a pretty intense person, but he means well. Most of the time anyway.” Emma shrugged it off wanting me to think all thoughts of her brother vanished, but I could tell by the sad pull in her eyes when she spoke about him that intense was probably one of many dark words she could use to describe her brother.

  We walked into my place, and since I left the blinds and curtains open, the mid-afternoon sun was streaming in lighting the rooms up. The living room and kitchen were the first things seen walking into my apartment because I'd picked one with an open floor plan.