Reckless Mind

by Wiginton, Heather

  The beige suede couch and oversized chair sat facing a small flat screen TV mounted onto the far wall. Every shape, size, and color of pillow sat on both, with an end table and lamp sitting between the two, and a couple framed pictures up on the walls. I didn't know the artist, but when I was in one of the local shops I thought the scenic landscape was so serene.

  The kitchen had a counter wrapping around dividing it from the living room, so I just had some bar chairs pushed up against there, no actual table and chairs. Candles were placed on a section of the counter, dishes sat in the cupboards. The extent of my decorating and personalizing those spaces stopped there. The extremely short hall off the kitchen led to my bedroom and the bathroom, which sat directly across the hall from each other.

  Sky blues, light and dark purples, and white made up the décor in the bathroom. It was a decent size considering this was a one bedroom apartment, sitting longer than it was wide, but more than enough room for one person. My bedroom was muted purples, off white, beige, and a minimal amount of the lightest sky blue. No family pictures adorned the walls, no books or a bookshelf even though I adored reading, no music because I had no stereo, nothing. Just a bed, a side table with a lamp, and a dresser.

  I studied Emma as I gave her the small tour of the apartment, watching as her eyes took it all in. She definitely noticed the lack of personal anything in the place, I could tell by the way her eyes moved quickly over each inch of the room she entered, but she didn't mention or question it. I assumed she would, but was relieved when she didn't but curious why she let it go. Maybe Emma had skeletons in her closet she didn't want me figuring out too.

  “So yeah, that's pretty much it,” I smiled shyly at her, hoping her thoughts of my personal space were high enough that she would come hang out again sometime.

  “Kahlen this is awesome, you did all this by yourself?” I nodded not wanting to elaborate, but she didn't speak either, just waited for me.

  “Yeah, I did. I moved out here the day after I graduated in May, and slowly over the summer turned it into what you see now.” Why? Why did I just tell her that? I roughly ran my hand through my hair frustrated with myself.

  “Where,” she looked at me as she spoke, I felt like I couldn't swallow. I knew the questions were coming, and soon enough she would be ashamed she ever took the time to talk to me. The blood drained out of my face taking any color or sign of life with it. “Um, where do you work again?” She shook her head a little as she asked. “I know you said you work at a music store, but which one? Campus Music, Red Records, or one farther away from campus?”

  “I wanted to get off campus a little, so I went to Red first and they were hiring, so I start there this afternoon. I'll mostly be working late afternoon to close during the week. Every now and then maybe a Sunday, but they have other college kids who want the weekend hours, and I'd prefer to be there when it isn't so busy.”

  “Sweet, that means you're all mine on the weekends!” She jumped up off the end of my bed and clapped her hands. “Now we need to get you dressed.” I was closest to the door to my room, while Emma stood farther in from when she was looking around. She moved to open my closet, and I tried to stop her but wasn't quick enough.

  I stopped breathing around the time her hand touched the door knob. Rubbing my palms on my shorts to take away sweat the nerves left behind, I couldn't meet her eyes. Nothing. There was nothing in my closet. What little clothes I did have all fit in the small dresser sitting against my wall. “Emma, I...” My throat tightened with restriction toward telling Emma anything personal about me. All I felt in that moment was embarrassment, and again I wanted to break down in tears.

  “Do you have time to run to my house? I still live with my parents, but they don't live too far, and I have some clothes I don't fit into any more. I think my mom was going to just give them away, but you can take them if you want. Not that you need them or anything, I'm sure you have plenty,” she rambled, probably because I made the whole situation more awkward and she didn't want me to think she felt sorry for me.

  “Emma,” I said, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I touched someone without being told I had to. Placing my hand on her arm, she looked at me. “That would be great, I'd appreciate it, thank you. And yeah, I've got time before my shift still if you want to head out now.”

  She smiled and threw her arms around my neck. I didn't move for a minute, but she didn't let go, almost as if she knew I needed time to adjust to having someone touch me. Then with a deep breath, I wrapped my arms around her too and hugged her back.

  “Let's go,” she motioned to the door. “Oh, and I should warn you now, Brandon might be there, so you're in for a treat.” With a scowl on her face, I knew her use of the word treat had little in common with the literal definition.

  Chapter 2

  I'd done this plenty of times, meeting parents, but this time I wanted to be as real to myself as I knew how to be. Mentally I thought about how I looked. My long straight dark brown hair fell half way down my back, and I barely wore any make-up so I knew that wouldn't be an issue. The white tank I had on was layered with a loose sheer floral racer back tank, and I had on faded shorts. They were kind of short, but it is the end of August and crazy hot out, so I hoped Emma's parents wouldn't think less of me because of it.

  “Hey, you alright over there? You've barely said anything the entire ride.” Emma's brows creased in concern.

  “I just.” What? What am I going to tell her? I had a fucked up childhood and it affects me to my core to this very day...that I have no idea how to trust people...have never had anyone I'd call a real friend. Generally, I just don't know how to function like a normal eighteen, almost nineteen year old girl. Yeah, all that would be amazing. I shook my head to clear the thoughts that would never really go away, “I'm okay, Emma. It's just important to me your parents like me, that's all.”

  She didn't respond, instead pointed to a street coming up on the right. It was a nice neighborhood, with big houses compared to what I was used to, and my hands began to shake as she told me which driveway.

  Emma's house was a two story brick with some light brown siding and a three car garage. There was a shiny black firebird parked in the driveway which I assumed belonged to her brother. “What did you say your brother's name was again? And your parents?” I placed my hands under my thighs on the seat hoping Emma couldn't see the nervous tremors.

  “My parents are Dan and Jules, douche bag is Brandon, and the big dane is Hercules.” Her brother couldn't honestly be that bad, I mean they are siblings, and from what I hear siblings fight and have a hard time getting along sometimes. Not that I would know personally. “And I apologize in advance for whatever he does. He's...it's just not easy to be around Brandon.”

  I wanted to ask her what she meant, what had happened, but then I remembered I had my own answers to questions I didn't want asked and decided to leave it alone. We walked up to the house laughing over a story Emma was telling me, when the front door swung open.

  “I'm done having this conversation.” A guy stood with his back to us, one hand in his messy hair looking like he would pull it out any second. “It's my life, Ma, mine. If I screw it up, it's mine to screw up.” He wasn't raising his voice, he actually sounded like every word caused him physical pain.

  “Oh,” Jules noticed us standing behind him. “Brandon, sweetie, just bring yourself back in here, we,” but he cut her off.

  “No, Ma, I'm gone. I've been gone. Nothing you, dad, or Em can do about it so I wish y'all would just fucking stop already.” He was barely whispering, and if we had been any farther back I wouldn't have heard what he said. Emma grabbed my hand silently willing me not to turn around and run back to my car like I'm sure my face was showing I intended on doing.

  “Your sister seems to have picked a wonderful time to have company, Brandon.” Her voice seemed to carry a tone of warning to him, as she smiled at us over his shoulder.

  He slowly turned our dire
ction, my eyes locked on his honey brown ones rimmed in the thickest darkest lashes I'd seen on a guy in my life, and instantaneously I felt pulled to him. I wanted to go to him, to free his hair from his fist, his bottom lip from his teeth, and his heart from whatever tormented it. This was the first time in my life I wanted to be close enough to another person, let alone a guy, to know everything about them....and I had no idea why. Whatever ate at his soul, I wanted to be the one to help him, I wanted to make it better for Brandon.

  I didn't understand what was going on with me in this moment. I felt like he had a control over a part of me without me having any say in it. Being drawn to someone isn't a new concept, I just never actually believed anyone before. Now I was questioning my own sanity.

  A sneer broke out over his lips, “Really fucking nice, Em. Why don't you not call again when you know I'm here so another insignificant little friend of yours can gawk at us while we air out our dirty laundry.” I flinched as if he'd slapped me across the face. The only guy to ever make me feel anything period, let alone an intense connection the moment I laid eyes on him, thought I was insignificant. Brandon noticed my reaction to his words, and for the briefest of moments regret flashed in his eyes, an apology almost fell from his lips. A blank stare covered up the whirling emotions there when he'd first looked at me, and instead he kept in on me, “What, can't you speak? You know, to give an apology for standing there listening to shit that isn't your business?”

  “Brandon!” Emma's mom said his name with contempt at his actions. At the same time as Emma finally let go of my hand and walked over to smack her brother on his arm. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, and I was pretty sure I'd forgotten to breathe since he'd first spoken to me. Emma and her mother engaged in silent conversation, but I couldn't wait. I had to get out of there.

  I whispered, “I'm sorry,” to Brandon, not meeting his eyes again, and turned and ran to my car. I didn't stop when Emma called my name, I didn't stop as her mom called me sweetie and told me to please not leave. Turning the ignition, I dared a glance at Brandon as I backed out of the driveway. He was staring straight at me, the look on his face I couldn't place, annoyance or generally pissed off would be my best guess.

  I let myself go to that numb place. My safe place where I didn't have to feel all the emotions welling inside me. Being able to shut down like this helped me survive the life I came from, and it was still useful any time my emotions got strong enough where the need to get them out of my body almost overcame my will to live.

  The next thing I knew I was in the lot outside my place, not really remembering driving back, just remembering the look on his face when he spoke to me. Yet, I wanted to make him see me differently. There was something about him that resonated with me, and deep.

  Walking into my apartment I had twenty minutes to shower, get ready, and be walking out the door for work or I was going to be late. I don't think I'd ever taken a faster shower, and I was dripping water all over the place as I ran to the kitchen to check the time then back to my room to grab my clothes. Throwing on my skinny jeans and Red's shirt, I grabbed a hair tie and piled my wet hair on top of my head in a messy bun, putting mascara on my lashes and gloss on my lips. There was no way I was making a good first impression today. Running down the stairs to my car, I made my way to Red Records glad it was only a short drive from my apartment.

  I parked in back of the building with a couple minutes to spare. My perfume was in the glove box, so I grabbed that and put some on before locking the car and heading in. Flashing my key card through the scanner at the back door, I went to put my stuff away in the back room I was told to use when I got hired. Jessica, the girl training me, sat at the register reading a magazine as I walked up.

  “Hey, you must be Kahlen.” She was on the shorter side, very petite, with beautiful tattoos lining one entire arm and a few scattered on her other. The bleach blond hair sat in a pixie cut and was more than flattering, her light blue eyes shown like ice.

  “Hi, yes, that's me. You're Jessica, right? The assistant manager?” She nodded in agreement, and motioned me behind the counter. “It's nice to meet you. I'm a pretty fast learner, so I hope to not take up too much of your time.”

  “Eh, it's no big deal. Everything here is pretty laid back and easy to deal with. We get shipments in every week for the new cd's coming out, you'll stock those before you leave on Mondays so they are ready for the next morning. Otherwise it's basically learning the register, and making sure everything looks acceptable.” She smiled like she thought that last one was a joke.

  Over the next hour and a half she showed me where to check for the shipments, how to log them, and where to stock new merchandise, but since it was a Friday there wasn't actually anything there. The register was super easy. The owner had recently upgraded to a computerized system and it seemed like it did all the work for me.

  “I think that's about it Kahlen, so I guess I'll be on my way.” My eyes grew large at the thought of being left alone here so soon, at the same time I was excited at the prospect of not having to talk to anyone for the rest of the night. “The keys to lock up are on the desk in the office. Lock the front from the inside, put the keys back, and when you leave out the back the alarm will automatically set.”

  “Can you leave your number in the office in case something completely horrible happens?” I knew everything would be fine, but wanted her number to put me more at ease. She said she would, and headed out the back.

  My shifts were five to ten during the week and I would be closing the store every time I worked, so I'd better get used to it. Keeping myself busy, I started going through each section making sure the cds were in alphabetical order as they should be, and for the most part they were.

  My cell had been ringing like crazy ever since I'd left Emma. I knew it was her because she was the only one who had my number, but I just didn't want to have a conversation right now. Sitting back behind the counter I wondered about Brandon. His eyes were so sad, tortured almost, and I wanted to know why; I just wasn't sure I was ready for the responsibility of getting to know someone else, and what they were dealing with, when I was still trying to deal with my past and put it behind me.

  The bell jingling on the door was unexpected, and I jumped and almost fell out of the chair. Looking at the clock, there was only fifteen minutes left in my shift. I called out the greeting I was told to use whenever anyone came into the store, and went back to marking things off my closing check list I had Jessica leave for me so I wouldn't forget anything.

  “Hey, Kahlen?” His voice was smooth as silk, pouring over me like sweet honey, rendering me immobile for a few seconds. I was nervous to turn around, to see who my body already knew was attached to the voice. “I'm...I'm...” He sighed in frustration. I needed to write down the last number of some register report I was supposed to run at the end of the night before I could turn around. “Are you even listening to me?” He snapped at the same time I turned around.

  Brandon stood there glaring at me.

  He was all gorgeous eyes and messy, almost black hair. Tattoos marked some of the tanned skin exposed on his arms, which only made me look him up and down in greater detail. Brandon was tall and lean, definitely muscular, just not body builder muscular.

  Landing his hands on the counter loudly, they were in a fist, he leaned in closer to my face. All I wanted to do was back away, but I didn't want him knowing I had issues with people getting close to me even though I clearly, very clearly, did. “I'm not used to being ignored, Kahlen.” His eyes looked over my body in such a way, it felt like a caress. “You going to pay attention to me now?” He dragged his teeth over his bottom lip waiting for my response.

  I took in a deep breath, exhaled and decided I could have this conversation. There was no way of moving forward if I kept myself stuck in the past. “I'm still deciding.” My words were short, and I turned back around to write the last bit of information on the closing sheet. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Brandon r
ounding the counter, before I registered what he was doing he stood so close to my left side I could smell him, no counter as a barrier any longer.

  And for the record, he smelled amazing. Like close your eyes, lean into a stranger, inhale deeply, kind of amazing. Thankfully I refrained from actually doing that.

  Grabbing the arm of my chair, he swiveled it toward him. His hands landed on either side of my thighs on the seat stopping the movement of the chair, and putting his face so close to mine I couldn't breathe. I didn't want my mind to go right now, but I felt myself slipping away. Trying so hard to block it out, I didn't want the flashbacks, my eyes closed fast and hard. As my breathing picked up, my chest felt like a ton of bricks sat on it.

  How could I ever have a normal life if every time anyone got close to touching me, or I saw something to remind me, or someone says something to trigger me, my past just pulled me under. It's like a heavy fog settled over my mind. I didn't want to be there in that mindset, didn't want my mind to be able to push the flashbacks on me, but it still happened.

  I felt the weight of one hand leave the seat, then that warm hand touched the skin of my arm snapping me back to reality. I jerked away from him so fast I hit my hand on the counter harder than I wanted to admit, and it immediately started throbbing. Brandon moved to take hold of my hand, probably just to look at it, but I jerked away again.

  This isn't back at home. He won't do anything to me.

  Shaking my head I put my uninjured hand out in his direction letting him know I didn't want him to come any closer to me. Tears filled my eyes. Why did anything that could possibly be good have to be ruined by me? They fucked me up so much I couldn't even let him be within a foot of me without freaking out and smashing my hand. I would never be whole, never be okay or good enough to be with someone like Brandon. I'd lose Emma as a friend too because she is his sister.

  Deep down I knew who I was. I was Kahlen Jourdan, a good person, with a good heart, who just had a really shitty hand delt in life up to this point, and whose mind was blackened a little. But if I couldn't figure out how to stop the flashbacks constantly pulling me away from reality I wasn't sure how I'd ever have a normal functioning life where people could hug me, or sit next to me because my mind always went there.