Reckless Mind

by Wiginton, Heather

  We didn't really speak as we watched whatever re-run cable show was on waiting for the pizza. I adjusted myself so I was a little farther from him, but then he put our joined hands on his thigh. When the knock came for the pizza he got up and grabbed it, bringing it back to the livingroom and setting it down on the coffee table.

  As we sat and ate he asked me about the classes I had this semester, and he told me not to worry, that I'd do great, and he could always help me with my Chemistry class. I knew he was insinuating our chemistry together and trying to be funny, and he even laughed at himself, which made me happy. I liked seeing Brandon happy, and right now he was.

  The easy conversation, the way he really seemed to be trying with me, it melted away my earlier fears of him messing with my head like Helen used to. My guard was still up slightly with Brandon, but I had gotten more comfortable with him while we hung out.

  Taking our plates into the kitchen, I rinsed them off. Brandon came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I put my hair in a ponytail earlier when I washed my face, and when his warm mouth brushed over my neck I felt a jolt of intensity run through my entire body. The trail of kisses had me frozen in place, he felt so good.

  He turned me to face him, lifting me up on the counter he settled himself between my legs, and I could feel how much he wanted this pushed against me. The tip of his tongue ran down my neck driving me crazy.

  Brandon wrapped one arm tight around my waist, fingers from his other hands took out my hair tie and then threaded through my long hair, and my breathing increased by the second. He held on to me like I was his lifeline, but he wasn't kissing me. Whether he thought it would be going too fast for him or me I wasn't sure, but instead it seemed like he was enjoying the feel of my body being pressed against his.

  I draped my arms over his shoulders and around his neck, not breaking the lock his eyes had on mine. He slowly moved against me, my mouth dropping open and a quiet moan escaped. Again, he moved himself, hard and ready, against me.

  Brandon put his forehead down near my shoulder, but pressed against my neck, and he kept taking deep breaths. I'm not sure why, but I had the distinct feeling my scent calmed him. His nose rubbed my neck. “Brandon you have to stop.” Gently I pushed him back, moving his body from touching mine, but he still stood right in front of me. “I don't know why I feel drawn to you, but it clouds my head when I'm around you. I want to be your friend, Brandon, but you have to want to be my friend too. No rushing, you get to know me and I get to know you. Can you handle that?” But then my phone rang.

  He immediately broke away from me completely, looking at me closely, watching me. I answered the phone to Emma telling me she would be over in ten to fifteen minutes to call it a night, and I sort of repeated the conversation right back to her as she said it because she sounded a little like she had been drinking, just to be sure we both knew what was going on.

  When I hung up the phone I zoned back in on Brandon. “I heard you're in a band. Can I come watch you practice sometime?” And just like that the switch was thrown. Brandon stepped away from me, eyes turning colder. He just shut his emotions off, I knew the look because I wore it often myself. Why he did it was what didn't make sense.

  “Don't you think you should be asking Cole about that?” He moved to the front door now, and calling back over his shoulder right before he shut my front door he said, “From what he said when he got back to the party, he's going around campus with you tomorrow, has you programmed in his phone, and has confirmation you will be coming to a practice if you don't work, and our show for sure this coming weekend. Looks like you don't really need to ask me since you'll be there watching him already.”

  Without looking back at me, without saying another word or letting me even speak, he slammed the door and left me sitting on the kitchen counter where he put me. I could still smell him. He thought I wanted to spend my time with Cole when he first came over, and all it took was him taking one question the wrong way to throw him right back into that mindset. So once again, Brandon walked away from me.

  I wasn't sure how much longer I could try with him. Part of me wanted to just sit down and be vulnerable with him, tell him why I shut my emotions off, what I went through because I think then he might do the same. Then again, he could pretend to care like he just did, and then I could say the wrong thing and he could just disappear again. It seemed the one thing he was great at was pulling me in without me even realizing it, and once again I was a sucker because of it.

  Chapter 8

  I snuck out the front door after leaving a note on the counter for Emma. She was asleep on my couch and would more than likely stay that way for a while, and I needed to go blow off some steam so I headed to the community center to dance for an hour or so. There was something so freeing about dance, about getting emotions pent up inside of me out in a way that didn't require speaking. It was something I never knew I always needed, but was so happy I found it.

  Making my way into the studio I waved at Mary, the manager of the place, and she told me the studio was all mine this morning. That was the nice thing about being an early riser, I typically did have the studio to myself. Taking off my sandals and my hoodie, I threw my cd in and started to stretch out my muscles. The air conditioning wasn't on this early in the morning so I was glad I'd come in two layered sports bras and some looser fitting pants that stopped just below my knee.

  As the music kept going I started to move around the floor, releasing everything that'd happened with Brandon the night before. When he just held my hand, and later wrapped his arms around me I thought he actually wanted to try at being friends if nothing else, but the second he thought about Cole he shut himself off to me.

  I was protecting myself too though, by trying to make him see who I was now so when he found out about my past, hopefully he wouldn't walk away from me. When I was around Brandon my mind was quiet, that never happened to me, and I wondered if that was the biggest part of his appeal to me. It seemed I had the opposite affect on him though, that after just a short time with me he couldn't figure out if he wanted to hold my hand, try to screw me, talk to me, shut his emotions off on me, or just simply walk away.

  But something about him told me he needed me. Not in a physical way, though I'm sure he would gladly take that too, but I felt like he got something from me emotionally he didn't get anywhere else. It might be he could see just how fucked up I was, and felt we were the same that way. There are definite tell tale signs I see in him that have let me know his heart and soul are a little darker than most guys at twenty one.

  It was a scary thing thinking about putting myself out there to be rejected because of the person I had been before moving here. So while I danced I decided I would continue to keep trying to be friends with Brandon. What I wouldn't do was forego being friends with other guys just because it seemed to get him all bent out of shape.

  An hour and a half later, dripping sweat and feeling good about my time thinking while I was dancing, I grabbed my cd and slipped my flip flops back on and headed out to my car. Brandon was leaning against the driver side door eyeing me as I walked closer. My throat instantly went dry. It was one thing to come to conclusions while I danced, but having those honey eyes focused on me it seemed harder to remember friends.

  Stopping a couple feet away from him I took a deep breath and smiled. “Hey, Brandon, what are you doing here?” It was a little strange he would be waiting for me outside. Had he seen me dancing? Shit, I really hope not, not that I wasn't good, it was just a more private thing for me when I was in that space and frame of mind.

  “Saw your car.” I wasn't letting him off the hook though, I wasn't going to say a word until he talked to me more. Letting out an over-exaggerated sigh and rolling my eyes, clearly I let him know I could stand around all day waiting for him. “Thought maybe you'd want to,” he ran his hand through his hair as if in frustration. “Never mind, it was a dumb idea,” he finished, turning to walk away.

  “H
ey,” I started softly, and he turned, a look of sadness creeping over his face. “Don't do that okay? Don't assume things for me, just be honest with me. As honest as you feel you can each moment we spend together. But don't make me feel like you want to spend time with me one minute, then the next you keep walking away and leaving me. I don't want you to,” I almost said leave me, but I stopped myself before I got that out.

  “I'm trying, Kahlen, really I am. I just,” he thought for a minute about what exactly he wanted to say to me, or how much. “I need time, and when I'm with you, like last night, it's really hard for me to take things slow. I feel like when I look in your eyes I'm,” but he didn't finish, he just shook the thoughts from his head and gave me a crooked grin. “Just don't, don't run to him because I'm, well, being me.”

  I knew he was talking about Cole, but I frowned and shook my head a little in confusion. “I'm not running to anyone, not you and not him. He walked me home last night, Brandon, that's it. Cole knows I'm friends with Emma, so I'm sure he assumed I was friends with you and Jax too, which I think is why he invited me to your practices and shows. But I'm not,” he turned and looked away from me acting like he was unwilling to listen to me. I moved around to stand in front of him, placing my hand on the side of his face so he would look at me. “I'm not running to any man. Not even you.”

  He nodded at me and gently took my wrist in his hand and placed a small kiss on the palm of my hand. Instantly butterflies began swarming in my stomach, and then I remembered how gross I probably looked and smelled, shit I could still feel sweat dripping down my chest a little since standing out under the hot sun with him. I pulled my hand away from his repeating friend zone over and over in my head so he wouldn't be able to suck me right back into that rush I felt when he was near.

  Brandon moved to trail his finger from just under the top of my sports bra between my breasts, but I pulled away, shooting daggers at him with my eyes. My mouth dropped open at his audacity, but he laughed at me. “Come on, I'll take you home so you can change, unless you want me to help you workout some more?” His eyes playful as he questioned me. “I can think of several things I could do to you that would make you sweat.” He winked at me as he opened the passenger door to his car, but I stood unmoving.

  It was like once he received confirmation from me that I didn't have anyone on my radar as far as dating, he was able to take a deep breath again. His mood lightened, and his normal brooding nature subsided a little. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of the Brandon that used to be...I don't know what happened to him, but it had to be something horrible enough to shut down his emotions and lock everyone out. I'd bet it had something to do with a girl, but I would wait it out, wait for him to open up to me because he wasn't the only one with secrets to tell.

  He moved behind me pushing me gently so I moved toward his car, he held my hand as I sat down, and then closed the door for me. I couldn't help but smile. The inside of his car smelled amazing, probably because it smelled just like him, and instantly I was thrown back to last night and the way he felt against me. My face flushed just as he was getting in the car, and I turned to look out the window, but not before he noticed.

  We kept our hands to ourselves on the drive to our complex, and didn't speak either, not until he pulled into the parking spot and shut the car off. “You're going to let him take you around campus aren't you?” His tone had shifted again, and the look on his face almost broke my friends resolve. I tried to keep my tone light and nonchalant when I responded that I was because I had already told him I would, and he was a friend of their group of friends, so I didn't see what the harm was.

  Brandon nodded for a moment before telling me what I'd already assumed about Cole, that he liked to date around, though Brandon worded it as, “fuck himself through eighty percent of the women on campus”. I knew he was exaggerating, but probably not by much. I wanted to make friends and be able to all hang around in a group together without it being weird for me, and the only way I knew how to do that would be to put myself in situations forcing me out of my comfort zone and into pushing through my issues.

  Since we were all one big group I didn't see why we all couldn't hang out together. With a huge smile on my face, catching Brandon a little off guard, I asked, “Why can't we all just hang out? I mean I know Emma got as little out of orientation as I did, so she needs to walk around campus too. I'm sure Jax would come along, so why don't the five of us head to campus this afternoon? You three can be our tour guides.”

  “Really?” He searched my eyes looking for the joke, trying to be sure I was serious. I nodded, and turned to open the door, I was getting hot again in such a small space with those warm eyes of his pulling me in, making me feel like I was drowning in him. Opening his door quickly, he ran around the car frowning at me when he saw I opened the door myself, but still helped me out of the car. Taking my hand in his, he walked me to my apartment. “So, a few hours then?” I bit my bottom lip as I nodded, then quickly turned to go into my place as he called to my retreating form to just head over to the apartment when we were ready.

  Closing the door, closing my eyes, my back sliding down the door until I sat on the floor leaning against it. “Shit, you didn't fucking pass out did you?” Emma's groggy voice came from the living room, her head looking over the back of the couch at my slumped form on the floor. I shook my head, but didn't move. “It's my brother isn't it? He find you this morning?” Eyes still closed, I nodded in silence. “Damn, girl,” she said laughing hard making me open my eyes finally. “Did you let him fu...”

  “Emma!” I screamed effectively cutting off her train of thought. “No I did not let your brother do, ugh, just no okay. No. And I don't have it bad for him, I want to be his friend. Half the time I don't know why I even want to be that.”

  I pointed my finger at her, narrowing my eyes, and mouthed no again at her. She giggled, and told me to go get in the shower. Glad to be off the hook I did exactly that, and it felt wonderful to let the hot water pelt into my tired muscles. Throwing on a sundress, with a small pair of workout shorts on under, and braiding my hair off to the side, I went back out to the living room.

  “So Jax just called, said him, my brother, and Cole were taking us around campus this afternoon? Kahlen, in case you forgot we've been in school for two weeks now. I pretty much have walking to my classes down. Wanna tell me what's going on?” She glared at me and I was sure she might even be a little mad. I explained what happened with Brandon outside of the community center, looking a little sheepish because I did sort of drag her into my situation, but secretly I thought it would be good for her and Jax too. Eventually they wouldn't be able to fight it anymore, all I was doing was giving them a push in the right direction.

  Sighing heavily she agreed to go along as long as I fed her, so I got in the kitchen and warmed up some of the crazy amount of leftover pizza I had in my fridge. She asked if my brother had brought me pizza last night because the kind I had was from his favorite little pizza shop on campus. My face turned pink as I nodded.

  “Oh gross, nevermind. I can tell he was here, let's just leave it at that and forget I ever asked,” she mocked shivers like she was disgusted by the way the conversation had gone. As we ate we talked about classes and how it seemed everything was getting busier, and the guys' upcoming show at BrewHouse this coming weekend. Realizing I had no idea what the name of their band was I asked Emma, to which she rolled her eyes and said, “Vine.” When I started to ask why, she just shook her head telling me no one knew.

  “I texted Cole earlier, and he is going to be at the guys' place when we get over there.” It was a little odd to be going somewhere with Brandon and Cole, because it did seem like Cole was interested last night. He also did look like a walking advertisement for a reason to buy condoms because he put out that much sex appeal without even trying, girls basically dropped their pants if he so much as looked at them. “Once you're done, we'll head over.” She nodded shoving the last bites of pizza in her m
outh, holding her finger up like she wanted to say something.

  “What the fuck, Kahlen? Brandon and Cole plus you equals a headache for Emma. Have you not noticed that you and other guys kind of drive Brandon crazy?” We made our way out the door heading over to the guys apartment.

  “I don't care. He isn't my boyfriend, and yes I know he gets weird because of me which is why I am trying, and I keep reminding him as well, to be his friend. Something about him drew me in that first day, Emma. I don't know why, if it's because I see some of myself in him, pure sexual attraction, or if it's simply because when I am around him he shuts my mind off from my past. I don't know, but every time he walks away from me he comes right back, which makes me think he does want me as a friend he just doesn't really know how to go about it.” Emma looked at me like I was stupid, and she couldn't believe I actually bought the shit I was feeding myself.

  Emma didn't bother knocking on her brother's apartment door, and when we walked in, I thought I was going to die. Sitting on the pool table topless, was the same girl whose lips were attached to Brandon the night of his party, only now, her legs were wrapped around his waist, her hands at his belt undoing it. They hadn't even noticed we'd walked in on them, but then Jax and Cole busted into the place really loud causing Brandon's head to snap our direction. His eyes locked with mine but there was no emotion there.

  “Oh, fuck,” Jax said low in his throat one second, the next he grabbed me and Emma around the waist and successfully carried us outside like we were little footballs tucked away under each arm or something. He knew it was worse than us just walking in on someone about to have sex, I could see on his face Brandon must have confided in him somewhat about what had been going on between the two of us. He also knew better than to make a big deal out of it and bring unnecessary attention to the subject of Brandon and I. “Sorry girls,” he mumbled, clearly uncomfortable.