Reckless Mind

by Wiginton, Heather

  “Shit,” I swore under my breath because my car was still over at the community center. As I went past his car I slammed the passenger door, then started walking to class. Brandon followed me, then parked outside of the building my first class was in. Hurrying from his car, he tried taking my hand again.

  “I seriously want to punch you right now.” I yelled in his face, “You have some nerve, Brandon. I don't want a ride, I don't want you to hold my hand, and I don't want you to pretend like you want something more with me. I think you've made it pretty clear more than enough that a relationship is more than you can give. Honestly, I think friendship may be more than you are capable of.”

  As I walked to class he walked beside me, and I kept glancing at him out of the corner of my eye waiting for him to say something, but he never did. Right outside of my classroom door he took a deep breath, “Kahlen, I need you to talk to me. Find me when you're ready.” And then he turned and walked away.

  I thought about what he said to me for the rest of the day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I had three classes all with a small break in between. Every second, of every minute of those breaks was spent thinking about Brandon and what he thought I needed to talk to him about. Luckily I was able to focus in my classes though. When my political science class ended, my classes were officially done for the day. Gathering my things I remembered I didn't drive myself so I'd be walking again and was glad I lived close.

  “Kahlen!” Emma yelled from somewhere in the hall I was walking down. Turning, I saw her running toward me. “What the hell happened to Brandon's face? He won't tell me or Jax, but Jax saw Cole at work and said his face was busted up a little too.” I nodded at her and told her how they got in a fight, but not going into the details of what I'd overheard. “Well, shit. Wonder if that means the band is done for good this time.”

  I didn't know specifically what she was referring to, but could put two and two together to assume there was a time when the band almost, or did for a period of time, break up. Emma asked what I was doing tonight, and I told her just staying in but she should come over and I could cook dinner if she wanted.

  She had the mischievous gleam in her eye. “Actually, I'm going out for dinner.” I raised my eyebrows in question, and she told me how some guy in her first class asked her out for dinner tonight and she'd said yes. Soon I was going to sit her down and figure out how she really felt about Jax. In the mean time, I congratulated her and told her to call me and let me know how it went. Emma wasn't one to wake up early, so her classes started when my last class of the day started, which sucked because I wasn't seeing her as much. She only had classes three days a week though to my five, and I still had weekends off, so I told myself we would have to get together this weekend.

  Making my way over to where I'd cross the street to head back to my place, I heard my name again. His voice was ingraining itself into my memory, and every time I heard it, it was more and more familiar. Brandon came up to me as I stood on the sidewalk staring in his direction. “Thought you might need a ride home.” He was so serious today, his mood definitely down.

  “And I thought I was supposed to find you when I was ready.” He nodded, but then asked again if he could give me a ride home. I really didn't want to walk in the heat so I nodded, following him back to his car.

  When I got out of the car and headed to go up the stairs, he asked if I was hungry, and before waiting for me to answer he took my hand in his and started toward his apartment instead of mine. I really wasn't sure I wanted to walk in there and have to look at the pool table and have the visual memory of what I saw yesterday, but it seemed like he really wanted me to come with him to talk so I didn't resist.

  He tossed my bag on one of the couches and I pulled my hand out of his. Stepping out of my view of the rest of the room, Brandon went into the kitchen. There was only an empty space where the pool table sat. My head whipped around to look at Brandon, but his back was to me and he pulled things out of the fridge.

  I made my way into the kitchen and ducked under his arm so I stood in front of him. Brandon shut the door and looked at me. “Thank you for taking it out, but it doesn't solve everything between us.” I didn't need to say any more.

  “No, I'm sorry, baby,” he leaned in and whispered in my ear. My body reacted when he called me baby but I was taking everything, even friendship, slower with him now. Hopefully this was a good start to building a friendship that could last, but I wasn't sure.

  Brandon fed me and then tried to pull my feet onto his lap to rub them as we watched this hilarious show about these physicists that were crazy smart with a cute blonde living across the hall from them, but I pulled my feet away and wouldn't let him. I hadn't laughed so hard, maybe in my entire life, as I did at this show, and a couple times I caught Brandon watching me, his gaze moving from my laughing mouth, to my eyes, and back down.

  I pushed him playfully on the arm each time I caught him, and he'd just shrug as if it should be totally obvious he would stare at me and I should just get over it. The last time I swatted at him he caught my hand and didn't let it go, but I withdrew my hand again. Brandon sat in the middle of the couch, so shifting, I tucked my legs up underneath me looking at him long and hard. He wanted to talk? We were going to talk.

  “Brandon, tell me something that you don't want to tell me.” He licked his bottom lip then trapped it between his teeth. I wasn't going to back down, we needed to talk to each other.

  “I dropped out of school.” I knew that couldn't be all of it, so I sat quietly. He let go of my hand and ran it through his hair. I'd noticed he did this, along with dragging his teeth across his bottom lip, when he was uncomfortable. This wasn't about forcing him to tell me something, it was about him telling me something he didn't want to, but would anyway because he trusted me enough to go to that place.

  “I moved across the country the day after I graduated high school.” It wasn't fair if only he was playing this game, so I thought if I told him things about me it would make it easier. “Your turn.” I nudged him with my shoulder.

  “Sometimes when you look at me,” he finally took his eyes off his hands to look at me. “I feel like I see the darkest parts of myself mirrored back at me in your eyes. And that scares me. I don't know if you've gone through things, or if it's my own shit I can see that will eventually break you down.” Brandon coughed a little, and I could tell it had gotten harder for him to talk because of the emotion behind what he was telling me.

  He thought there was a possibility all his demons would drag me down and he didn't want that to happen. “Is that why you keep pushing me away?” He nodded, eyes still locked on mine. “Brandon,” his name left my lips on a whisper and I took his hands in mine.

  “I don't want to ruin you, baby. I've done it before, and I didn't even care about the girl in the moment. What I feel for you, Kahlen, if I took you down with me, if I was reckless with you I'd ruin you for the guy who you will ultimately end up with. I'd never forgive myself. I'm not that guy. I don't get a happy ending.”

  His eyes were tortured, his voice low. I couldn't help the tears that fell down my cheeks for him, because I knew deep in my soul exactly what he felt. I knew what it meant to be told I was nothing to the point I believed it, and that's also when I started believing I deserved nothing but misery because how could someone like me deserve anything better.

  I was trying though, trying to move past what they had told me all my life. Something better had to be waiting for me, and that was why I left. It seemed Brandon was past the point of thinking anything better could come for him.

  “Hey,” I cupped the side of his face with my hand. “Don't say that. You do get the happy ending, Brandon, you get whatever you want yourself to have. You just have to believe you deserve it, just like I do. Please don't give up. Maybe I'm not your forever, but I want to be your friend. Let me in, please, let me in.”

  His hand slid around my neck, his warm whiskey eyes dropped to my lips then back to my eyes. L
eaning in, he paused just before touching my lips. I felt his breath on my mouth, his hand on my neck, the heat from his body radiated off him, I was surrounded by him. And then he backed away from me, just barely, and locked eyes with me.

  My heart beat picked up, and I threaded my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. His tongue licked what I knew would be a scorching path across his bottom lip, and for a brief moment I wanted him.

  I wanted to open my mouth to him, to feel his tongue brushing across mine. He would pull gently on my hair around his fingers, tilting my head and claiming my mouth with his. I'd want him to move his lips to my neck as his hands found my waist, and I would move so I was straddling him. Pushing gently down on my hips while he lifted his, I would feel him straining against his shorts, but even with the clothes between us he would set my body on fire.

  Brandon's voice snapped me out of my daydream. “Kahlen, if I start,” his lips were nothing more than a shadow, not touching my skin but making their presence known across my collar bones. I imagined him unhooking the middle clasp of my bra, quickly pushing one side away and letting his thumb trail back over me. “It'll be so hard to stop. You mean more than this to me, but I want you so bad, Kahlen. Push me away, tell me to stop.”

  I did need to tell him, but I wasn't sure I wanted to. I thought about bringin his mouth to mine, opening for him and tasting him again. This time when he let out a deep almost growl in his chest, I would push myself into his hand, begging him to tease my nipple between his finger and thumb, and I'd push myself down on him, moving slowly.

  Looking into his eyes, trying to focus completely instead of being pulled into the erotic thoughts of him. Brandon's eyes weren't empty pools like when I saw him with the girl on the pool table, they were full of emotion, and because of that I knew I would stop him. None of my well thought out daydreams would come to fruition.

  I was right before when I thought he was someone I would lose myself in if I wasn't careful, for the simple fact that when I was with Brandon all I wanted to do was find out what put that look of loss in his eyes. My mind was quiet around him because it worked overtime to figure him out, it didn't give me enough time to get thrown into my past. Even though I welcomed the silence, I wasn't sure this was the right way to go about getting it.

  He didn't break the hold my eyes had on his while I moved back to his side, and he put his arm around me pulling me into him. “I don't want you to leave, Kahlen.” Shaking my head I told him I wouldn't leave yet.

  As I sat, his arm around me, thinking we might actually be able to be friends, I thought back to what he said and wondered about the girl, or girls, he was referring to. Would Brandon end up ruining me like he thought even if we were nothing more that friends? I didn't think so; I thought I was strong enough now to be able to walk away from a situation that was destructive to me, but still I wondered.

  How did he ruin her?

  Why doesn't he get a happy ending?

  Who was she?

  “I know what you're thinking, I can feel it radiating off you, the concern...the questions. Can we just not do it tonight?” He didn't look at me when he spoke, only tightened his arm around me pulling me closer to him like he was afraid I'd just disappear. I nodded and then pushed him a little so he would lay down on the couch. Stretching along the length of his body, I put my head on his chest, and wrapped an arm around his stomach. Not moving for a few seconds, finally he cradled me with both of his arms, pulling me as close to him as I could get.

  Brandon kissed me on the top of my head, and I closed my eyes as he hummed a song to me I wasn't sure I'd ever heard before. I was trying to think of something to talk about, willing my eyes to open back up, but the weight of everything seemed to crash down on me in that moment, and I was exhausted.

  Soothing circles were being rubbed across my back, and I thought I heard Brandon whisper, “Please don't leave me, baby,” to me as I fell asleep. But I never could get far away from my past.

  I knew I was dreaming, but that didn't make anything less real. Struggling in my dream to get away from some disgusting guy, he caught my wrist and was pulling me back to him, forcing me down on the bed. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, “Please, don't hurt me. No, stop. Please, please, stop. Stop.” Thrashing back and forth trying to break free, tears streaming down my face, I begged my sleeping self to wake up. I couldn't do this, not even just in a dream.

  “Kahlen, baby, wake up. Wake up, Kahlen. I'm here, hey, I'm here.” I shot straight up on the couch, gasping for breath, looking around wildly trying to figure out who I was trying to get away from. The room was dark now, except for a small light somewhere in the adjoining room. “Hey, I'm here.”

  Jumping off the couch at the sound of a man's voice, I landed on the floor hard scraping up my back on the corner of the coffee table as I went down. My eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet, so I couldn't make out where I was or who I was with. Panic started coursing through my system, my heart racing, my palms slick with sweat. There wasn't enough air in the room to fill my lungs.

  Out of nowhere a light flipped on, and I turned frantically, clutching my throat because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Brandon, I was with Brandon at his apartment. I fell asleep on the couch with him, he was holding me. There is no one here, I am not back at my foster parents', no one is going to hurt me here.

  Then a single tear escaped me as it dawned on me when I saw the look of horror on Brandon's face. I had talked out loud during my dream. How much did he know now? It must have been enough because when he approached me he did it as though I was a ferral animal. With his hand stretched out in front of him, he kneeled down in front of me and pushed the hair back off my face. His thumb brushed away the tear that still fell down my cheek.

  “What did they do to you, Kahlen?” Loud, angry, gut wrenching, body wrecking sobs broke free from my chest. Brandon picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me down the hall into his bedroom. Laying me on his bed, he crawled in next to me. “Sleep, Kahlen, you're safe. I promise. Just sleep now.”

  As I soaked his shirt with all the tears I'd held in for all those years I knew tomorrow wouldn't be any easier. Tomorrow I would have to tell him my story and possibly watch him walk away from me forever.

  Chapter 11

  “You didn't,” I heard Emma's whispered voice, but I was so warm and comfortable I didn't want to wake up or move, so I just let consciousness wash over me slowly. That's when it dawned on me I was all wrapped up, over, under, and around Brandon.

  “Keep your voice down, she needs to sleep, Em. And no, I didn't fuck her if that's what you're getting at.” He sounded irritated that his sister had just walked right into his room.

  “I was going to ask if you made love to her fuckwad. You may think I'm supid, but I've seen how you've looked at her since day one. If anything had happened between the two of you, it definitely wouldn't be classified as fucking. Douchebag.” I could mentally see Emma either rolling her eyes or flipping her brother off, maybe even both.

  “Why is she here? Did something happen to her, like a panic attack or something?” I heard the concern in her voice and knew she wouldn't have brought up my attacks if she didn't think it was necessary.

  “It was definitely something. Why? What do you know about it?” Brandon shifted slightly under me, probably trying to get a better look at his sister to gage whether she was telling him the truth.

  “Nothing I'm going to tell you. That's her business, if she wants you to know she'll tell you.” But when Emma spoke again, her tone softened. “She will tell you, you know...she just wants you to know her, she needs to feel like you know who she is, what kind of person she is. Just don't give up on her, Brandon.” I got a little choked up hearing her say the same thing to him as she said to me in reference to him.

  “Now you're freaking me out, Em. You know I have my own shit, my own problems. If all I'm going to do is just drag her down,” but he didn't finish that thought. “If t
here is someone better,” he stopped again, and I knew if his hands had been free, rather than wrapped securely around me, he'd be running them through his hair right now. “Em, how can I be anything she needs when I can't even be who I need for myself?”

  The tenderness and sadness in his tone pulled at my heart. I had no idea what he meant when talking about himself, but I felt like screaming and telling him what he did for me last night, and what he was doing for me now was everything I needed. Him being there for me, and staying around once I told him everything...that was what I needed.

  “Brandon, you'll figure it out. And a word of advice, make it work.” She quietly shut the door, and Brandon relaxed just a bit back down onto the mattress.

  His slow even breaths relaxed me, the smell that was him surrounded me, his body made me feel secure when I'd never felt that before. I adjusted my head so I could look at him if I opened my eyes. He trailed his fingers up under my shirt moving all over across my back, and set a light kiss on the tip of my nose.

  My lashes fluttered open, and I stretched a little trying to get my body to wake up more. “Hey,” I whispered, a nervous ball sat in the pit of my stomach. What I said to him, how he reacted to everything, it would determine so much of what would happen between us going forward.

  “Hey back,” his tone and mood was somber, and he shifted so he was on his side next to me looking in my eyes. “What was that last night? I mean, I don't want to upset you all over again jumping right into it, but I don't think I slept more than five minutes all night because I was going out of my fucking mind worrying about you.”

  I was a nice sentiment, knowing he cared enough, and I had hoped that it was enough for him to see past everything I'd done, that he could see the person I am and not the person they made me be. “It's not a short story, and it's not a happy one,” I started, shaking my head. “But if you're sure you want to hear it, I owe it to you after everything last night.”