Coming Undone

by Stallings, Staci

  Then her thoughts slid back to his brother, standing behind them all. Yes, she had noticed, and it bothered her to no end. It was truly amazing how he could be in a group and be so separated at the same time. She wondered about that and then because she could think to do nothing else, she prayed about it. “God, Ben is having such a difficult time with this. I know how much You love him, and I know how very much he needs Your peace. Can You show him, Lord?”

  A rumbling clap of thunder that tunneled down through the enormous buildings was her only answer.

  “Lord, he needs You. Please be with him—with both of them.”

  “Your father has been in to discuss his final arrangements,” Father Patrick said as he pulled some papers from his black notebook. “I think it would be helpful if we went over them, so that you both can see what he wanted.”

  On the other side of the table, Jason reached for the papers and began scanning them.

  “As you can see, he wanted a simple Mass, not much fanfare. He was quite specific about the Gospel. The other things were mostly suggestions, so if you have other things you would like instead, I’m sure he would be okay with it.”

  Ben was less curious about the papers than the topic. “You said he came to discuss final arrangements.”

  Father Patrick’s attention swung over to him. “Yes.”

  “How long ago?”

  There was a small pause.

  “Last month actually. It was right after the 9 a.m. service, and he wanted to put some things in writing because as he said he didn’t want anyone to have to worry about it.”

  The smile that brushed Ben’s heart was a sad one. That was his dad, always taking care of everyone else. He wondered then how clearly his father had known something like this was coming. The bills, the arrangements. He had to have known. It couldn’t be that big of a coincidence.

  Then Father Patrick’s gaze fell, and Ben knew there was something else.

  “He also gave me these,” Father Patrick finally said slowly as he pulled two white envelopes from the notebook. “There is one for each of you. He told me to give them to you after his death as they were simply what he wanted to say that he was never able to. I can hold them until after if you would like. Otherwise, I see no point in not giving them to you now. Would you like to have them now or later?”

  Jason’s gaze snapped across the table. “There’s one for me too?”

  “There is.”

  Breathing had become a real issue again as Ben sat there, his mind screeching that somehow this was for real, that they were discussing his father’s funeral and that his father was indeed dying. How was that possible again? How had he gotten here? It all seemed so very surreal.

  “Well, I don’t know about Ben,” Jason said, glancing over, “but I’d like to have mine now.”

  Father Patrick nodded and slipped one of the envelopes across the table. He fingered the other as he waited for Ben’s decision.

  Ben looked at it, lying there on the table like it was a snake in the grass poised to strike. No! I don’t want that thing. I don’t want it! I want my dad. No letter could ever take his place. I want him. Why can’t anyone understand that?

  “I can hold yours until later,” Father Patrick said as gently as words had ever been said. “It’s your decision.”

  My decision? What part of any of this has been my decision? None of it. I hate this. I hate all of it. I don’t want to make this decision or any other. What I want is for all of this to be over, gone, some stupid, horrible bad dream.

  A clap of thunder shook the building, and Ben’s gaze jerked to the ceiling. Even his arms uncoiled for a second. When his gaze came back, Father Patrick had not moved.

  “I… Hm.” Ben cleared his throat and pulled himself forward on the chair. It felt like he hadn’t talked in months. “Um, I guess I’ll take mine now too.”

  Father Patrick slid the envelope over to him, and Ben picked it up carefully. He turned it over and then over again.

  “Do I have to read it now?” he asked, feeling the tears welling up inside him and really not wanting an audience when he opened that thing—if he ever did.

  “When you’re ready.”

  “We gather today,” the pastor said, “to honor the memory of Emma Baker. I remember Mrs. Baker from the first time she showed up on my doorstep. I had just arrived as pastor, and Mrs. Baker came with a basket of cookies and breads like I’d never seen before. And every Monday morning she brought me something from her kitchen. She always said she wanted to make sure I was eating right because I didn’t have a wife to look after me. Funny, I think her making me eat right put on at least a few of these pounds.”

  He patted his rounded belly, and the fifty people in attendance laughed. “Emma Baker was a quiet soul. She didn’t command the fanfare of the world. She lived quietly and simply.” His gaze fell to the seats in front just beyond where the casket stood. “When Emma’s granddaughter Bonnie was killed in a car accident, Emma took in her two great-granddaughters, even though she was nearly 80, and she loved them with a fierce love and determination that were an inspiration to witness.”

  He smiled at them both. “She would have moved the moon for you girls. I want you to know how often her prayers were for you. She loved you both very, very much.”

  Kathryn sniffed her own tears back as she saw the heads of the two young women come together up front. Rachel was holding her younger sister, and Kathryn was glad that going forward they would at least have each other.

  “In closing, I want you to take the lessons Emma taught through her life to heart. Make the right things important, step up when you are needed, and even if your life is not lived for the whole world to hear, your life can be a beautiful legacy to those closest to you. Emma, we love you and we miss you. May God and His angels take you home.”

  “I think I’m going to take a walk,” Jason said when they got back to the room, and Ben noticed the envelope still in his hand. Ben’s was in his pocket, mostly because he didn’t want the reminder.

  “Okay. I’ll be here.”

  When Jason stepped out, Ben collapsed on the couch. He tipped back and pushed the shade back off the window. Sure enough the rain was coming down here too. It seemed to be everywhere, not the least of which in his soul.

  A nurse stepped in and pulled up short. “I’m sorry.”

  “No. No. That’s fine.” Ben waved her onto her job as he pulled the envelope from his back pocket. Over and over he turned it in his fingers. What could his father possibly have to say to him like this? Not wanting to think about it, he flipped the envelope over onto the little table, spun so he could put his feet up on the couch, and leaned his head back onto the armrest. It wasn’t even close to comfortable, but he was so tired, it hardly made any difference at all.

  “Rachel,” Kathryn said only the name as she stepped up to the first young woman in the receiving line at the graveyard.

  “Kathryn.” With that, Rachel grabbed her and tears flowed from them both. It was like this with some. There was just an automatic connection. Kathryn could never tell which it would be. At first she had felt guilty for that, but she had come to accept that that was just how it was.

  “She loved you,” Kathryn said, running her hand down over the long brunette tresses. Rachel was so very young to be the matriarch of the family, but sometimes those roles passed quickly and early.

  “Thank you so much for coming.” Rachel stepped back.

  Kathryn followed suit. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  Rachel nodded, and Kathryn stepped on to her younger sister. In no time she was walking back through the rain to her car parked in the driveway of the cemetery. There was no good day for a funeral, but rain seemed a particularly bad choice. At her car, she looked back at the little knot of family left and said a quick prayer. They would get through this. God would see to that.

  Her role in this passing was complete, so she got into her car and drove away.

  “I got all th
e bills squared,” Kelly said as he entered. Jason was on Kelly’s heels, the two of them obviously in deep discussion. “I called the lawyer again, and I’m going to go pick up the will after work. All he needs is for one of you guys to call in so he knows I’m legit. He knows you guys don’t want to be out running around right now.”

  Ben pulled himself up on the couch, trying to remember where reality was. Somehow he’d dozed off. In fact, the nurse was no longer in the room. He yawned and let his eyes go closed as he put his head onto the back of the couch. There was no telling how long he’d been out. By the feel of it, forever sounded about right.

  “Kelly needs us to call the lawyer,” Jason said clearly not sure that was his task.

  “Oh, okay.” Ben looked at his watch and nodded, really truly having a tough time snapping back on to life. “Why don’t you go ahead and call him? We might as well get that done.”

  Jason agreed and stepped back out into the hallway. Kelly stood only a moment more and then sat down in the chair.

  He reached over and hit Ben on the knee. “How are you holding up?”

  Instead of answering, Ben let out a long sigh and glanced at the drawn shades. “I feel like I’ve fallen off the planet. Is there still life outside?”

  “In fact, there is. It’s raining today, don’t you know?”

  “Still?” Ben folded the shade back to find the same scene as before.

  “It’s not supposed to let up until like Saturday is what they said.”

  Saturday. That was such a strange thought. Saturday could be a month from now for all Ben knew. “What is today anyway?”

  “It’s Thursday.”

  Ben nodded as the thoughts from the night before came back to him. He reached up and scratched his head, figuring out how to get the words in his heart to come out onto the air. “Kell, I need to tell you… um. I’m so sorry about Tamitha’s mom.”

  “Oh, that’s…”

  “No. Kell. Hear me out, okay?” Ben searched for the right words and then realized there probably weren’t any. “I was a real jerk the way I treated you, and I’m sorry. I had no idea what something like this was like. I’ve been thinking about it since last night, and I was about as inconsiderate and obnoxious as anyone has ever been.”

  “Ben. Please…”

  “No. I was. I see that now, and I want you to know I’m sorry about that.”

  Kelly’s smile was tight. “Sometimes it’s tough to see if you’ve never been there.” He leaned back slightly. “Look at me. I’ve been there, and it took me four days to get my butt in gear and get over here. It’s just… it’s tough.”

  It was good to have at least apologized, and now, for the moment it was time to move on. “We talked about the funeral today, and we’d like you to be a pallbearer.”

  “Oh, dude.” Kelly sat forward. “Are you sure about that?”

  Ben nodded. “Dad had it in his notes. He loved you like a son.”

  “Well, I’m honored.”

  The windshield wipers slapped back and forth across the window doing no good at all. Buckets, sheets, cats and dogs—Kathryn had never seen a downpour like this.

  “Remnants of the upper level disturbance will be with us for the next couple of days,” the weatherman said on the radio. “Get out the goulashes. We’re in for a deluge.”

  “Lovely.” Kathryn reached over and turned the station. The last thing she needed was more depressing news. As a soft instrumental came through the speakers, her thoughts went again to Ben and Jason in that room. Ben looked so very sad and also so very lost. He hung back.

  She snagged on that thought and slowly traced back through the times of being in the room with him. On the couch. In the chair. On the far side of the room. Worry came as understanding drifted through her. Had she ever once seen him get close to that bed? Had he ever once touched his dying father?

  No, she decided with a snap in her spirit. He hadn’t. He was there, yes. Omnipresent almost. But he stayed on the fringes.

  That wasn’t uncommon. Many people had great fear of seeing a person in their last days up close. Just as many couldn’t go up to a casket of someone they loved. What was odd was how lovingly Ben spoke about his dad. His dad was his hero, and yet now, it was like he didn’t want to see his hero this way.

  She turned carefully into the parking lot and laughed when the thought went through her head that she hoped he wouldn’t decide to come out and sit on the curb again. She really didn’t want to get soaked. However, as she put the car in park, she knew she would brave even a torrential downpour to make sure he wasn’t left to deal with this alone. Grabbing up her purse and her belongings, she got out and ran for the door.

  “Holly just called,” Jason said when he came back in the room. “She’s decided to come with her mom.”

  Ben sat forward, worried for the sister-in-law he’d never met. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  Jason laughed. “You don’t know Holly. It hardly matters much what I think.” He let that settle. “They’re flying in at nine, so I think I’m going to get a hotel. We can stay there tonight and come in tomorrow morning.”

  “A hotel?” Kelly asked. “Why don’t you guys just stay with us? We’ve got plenty of room, and we’re really not too far from here.”

  “Oh, I’d hate to put you guys out.”

  “It’s no trouble. Tamitha would shoot me if I made you stay somewhere else.”

  Funny, Ben thought, how often Kelly said things like that. Tamitha would shoot him, Tamitha would have his hide, Tamitha would have him sleeping on the couch for a month… Ben wasn’t quite sure what to make of that, but it went through his mind just the same.

  Jason checked his watch and glanced over at the bed. “It’s already almost four. I think I’m going to head on out so I can grab something to eat and figure out where we’re going. Is that okay, Kell?”

  Kelly jumped up, and Ben’s gaze went up with him. “Yeah, sure. No problem.” Then he looked down at his friend. “You going to be okay?”

  No! screamed through Ben, but he forced a smile and a shrug. “Of course. I will. You guys go on.” The words stuck in his throat as his heart asked if he really wanted to be here alone. No, he didn’t, but he also didn’t have much choice. Somehow he stood, but he had no idea how that had happened.

  Then as if he had stepped off reality, he knew they were discussing something, but he couldn’t even hear them. His gaze and focus had gone to the floor, willing his feet to stay standing there. Swallowing, he forced his gaze up and his mind to rejoin reality.

  “Okay,” Kelly said. “Then I’ll meet you there.” He looked toward Ben who straightened as his hands went up to the opposite arms and rubbed there. “Call us if you need anything.”

  The smile hurt. “I will.”

  “And let us know if anything changes,” Jason added.

  “I will.”

  As she stood giving Misty the quick version of the funeral, the door at the end of the lobby opened. Kathryn’s attention snapped there as Kelly and Jason emerged, bending toward each other, deep in conversation. She tried to get her words and thoughts back on track, but she’d forgotten what she was even talking about.

  “Kathryn,” Kelly said, looking up and spying her.

  “Hi, guys. Is everything all right?”

  “We’re taking off for the evening,” Jason said. “My wife’s coming into town. We’ll be back in the morning.”

  They had stopped and were angled so that she had her back to the desk, and they were circled to the right and left in front of her.

  “If you don’t mind watching over Ben while we’re gone,” Kelly said, glancing back to the door.

  “Say no more.” Kathryn put her hands up. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t make a break for it.”

  They shared a laugh that was almost happy.

  “Thanks again for everything,” Jason said and leaned in to hug her. Kelly followed suit, and it panged through her heart that someday these two would have no
reason to come by, no reason to want to see her. But she pushed that away.

  “You’re welcome. Take care, and drive careful.”

  “We will.”

  With that and a wave, they walked out.

  “Too bad the young one is married,” Misty said. “He’s cute.”

  In annoyance, Kathryn turned. “You are hopeless.”

  Why did Kelly and Jason have to wake him up? Frustration crammed into Ben’s chest, dispelling air and rational thought. He’d finally gotten to sleep. Finally. For one minute the thoughts had left him alone, and then they had to spoil it. Terrific. Now sleep was nowhere to be found. He looked at his watch. It was winding around to five o’clock. Actually it was nearly 30 minutes earlier than that, but his heart had already calculated that if Kathryn didn’t come back before five, she wasn’t coming back at all. And five felt like it was coming at the speed of light.

  She’d mentioned having something else to do, and he wondered what that something was. Trying to think of something else, he pulled the shade back to look out. Same dreary, depressing gray was drawn in slithering streaks down the window. He let the shade go and heaved a sigh. Maybe he should go home too. What good was he doing here anyway?

  He’d been here for days waiting for something that looked no closer to happening now than it had when he got here. If he could just think of something to do to keep his mind off the thoughts that streamed through his head like an incessant rain. Some were memories, some were accusations. The bills were a testament that something was wrong long before now, and yet he hadn’t seen it.