Coming Undone

by Stallings, Staci

  When they got to the bed after what seemed a million steps, Ben let his eyes fall closed as the jangling of his spirit began to settle somewhere deep inside him. The moment was more peaceful than he though one could be. Only the soft sounds of the rain tapping on the window and the halo of light in the room that glowed around them as they stood together by the bed accompanied her in his consciousness. He felt her look at him though he couldn’t quite tell how as his eyes were still closed, and then she carefully wound her arms through his and locked them around his waist.

  After a moment, he felt her head arch to look up at him.

  “It’s okay,” she said softly. Her hand drifted gently across his back. “Really.”

  The smallest of breaths and his eyes slipped open. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized just how close they were to the bed. When that understanding broke through him, his heart jolted backward with the shock. For one second panic clutched him, and he stiffened in horror.

  “It’s okay,” she said, holding him to keep him from running, but her determination was compassion not force.

  Then forcing himself to breathe, he surrendered to this place, and the fight left him. A strange and all-encompassing peace drifted through him—body and soul. His gaze fell to the figure lying there, and grateful recognition filled him. He had forgotten how handsome his father was, how much of a gentleman. He’d always been so proud of the man lying there. The skin was paler now, but the face hadn’t changed. It still looked so solid, wise, and intelligent. He loved that face so much.

  Next to him, Kathryn relaxed, and then they were simply standing there holding each other, gazing down at the man in the bed.

  “He had such a great sense of humor,” Ben said, remembering as he laid his head on her hair. It was softer than he had imagined just as being in her arms was so much more peaceful than he had thought. In the circle of them, he let the memories have full rein. “He was always doing something crazy. At one point I went through a wicked punk rock stage.”

  Her gaze came up to him in questioning surprise, and he grinned and then laughed.

  “Trust me, it wasn’t pretty.” Without question, he pulled her back to him, and she came without protest. Ben shook his head at how good the memories were. He hadn’t expected that. “I don’t know how he did it, but somehow he got a hold of the songs I was really into, and he learned every word.”

  “Ugh.”

  “Yeah. That’s what I said. Snapped me out of that phase real quick.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  Ben laughed and shook his head. “But he was always doing things like that. And he never complained about how nuts I got. Not once.” Laughter drifted into seriousness. “I think he felt guilty.”

  “For?”

  “For not being there early on.” He let out a long breath, seeing life in a way he never had before. “I was pretty tough on him after the divorce. Not that I blamed him. I knew the score. But it killed me to see Jase leave, and I know Dad felt horribly about that.

  “A lot of things changed after that. Not so much because Mom was gone, but more because Dad made it a point to be there like he hadn’t before. I used to think that was because he didn’t trust me, but now I think it was because he felt guilty about how things had turned out.”

  Kathryn’s hold on him tightened but only slightly. “Blame is a weird thing. It ties us up in ways we can’t really break free from until we forgive the other person or ourselves.”

  “I think he blamed himself even though it was really her fault.” Ben swallowed that memory. It still hurt more than he wanted to admit. He waited for her to ask, but for some reason she didn’t. Part of him tried to work on why, but it really didn’t matter. He needed to go down this road even if he didn’t want to. “I was there. I knew what she was doing.”

  Kathryn moved only a half inch on his chest, and Ben wondered how stupid he had to be to tell her this.

  “She would take us, me and Jase, when she would go to the other guy’s house. I was like twelve at the time, so she’d leave me in the car with Jase to babysit I guess.”

  There was now no movement at all in his arms, but she was listening. It was so quiet he could feel her heartbeat. He thought about that thing she had talked about keeping your arms opened, and he wondered how hard that was for her at this moment. It was truly incredible how many different directions his mind was going at that moment. Past, future, this moment, that moment, her, him, his father. Somehow he was thinking about it all at the same time.

  “I hated her for that. I hated what she was making me do and that I was supposed to be okay with it and just go along with the program.”

  “How old was Jason?”

  “About four.” He shook his head at how deeply those feelings of hate, hurt—and love ran. “I loved that kid. I would’ve killed for him.”

  “And your dad didn’t know?”

  “Not for a long time. He’d come in some nights late from the hospital, and he’d come in my room and say, ‘How ya doing, Slugger?’ That’s what he called me, and I’d just keep my head down doing my homework or whatever and say, ‘Fine.’ I hated lying to him, but I knew what she was doing would kill him, and I didn’t want to do that to him.”

  “But he found out.”

  “Yeah. I don’t even know how. We never really talked about it. It was just one day everything was like it always was. Then that night I heard them screaming at each other down the hallway. I figured he must’ve found out, and I remember going to lay with Jase that night so he wouldn’t get scared. The next day Mom packed up and moved out.

  “The house was so quiet after that.” He exhaled hard. “It was like we were all trying not to talk about or even think about what was going on.” Squinting, he tried to fit the next part into some timeline, but even now, he had a hard time doing that. “The next couple of weeks were just weird. I went to school and tried to act like everything was under control. I couldn’t fall apart, not for Dad. He was having too hard of a time the way it was. And then they had the court date.”

  It was strange how he could still smell the judge’s office. Leather and books. That’s what he remembered. “Jason was too young.” Ben’s heart contracted and refused to relax. He sniffed and blinked the tears back. With everything in him, he wanted to go back and do something to change those few moments. What he could have done, he still didn’t know, but he should have done something. “He had to go with Mom.”

  “Oh, man.” Her hug tightened around him, and he hugged her back as the tears slipped from his eyes.

  “I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to stay with us, with me and Dad. I… I still remember standing there in the judge’s room because I’d just told him I wanted to stay with Dad. I was older, so it was my choice. I thought the judge would just see that Jase should stay with us. That seemed so logical to me.

  “I remember walking out of that courtroom, and Mom getting in the cab with Jase. I was inconsolable, and I kept telling Dad to do something, begging, pleading with him, but there was nothing he could do.” Ben’s gaze fell to the face he had screamed at on more than one occasion. His heart ripped apart for one moment to say he was so, so sorry about all of it. “But he never gave up on me, no matter how tough I made it on him.” He shook his head. “Never once.” He sniffed the tears back though they were still slipping over the spillway of his lids. “I never had to wonder if he loved me. Nobody could take the abuse I gave him and just love anyway.

  The tears came faster and harder now, and Ben’s whole being crumpled into them. “He was my hero. I wanted to be just like him. And I wanted him to be proud of me. He deserved a better son than I was.”

  Kathryn shook her head next to his chest even as she held his grief. “He knew the burden you were carrying. He understood even if he didn’t always know how to ease your pain.”

  Ben knew the truth of that. He still didn’t know how to ease the pain from back then or from now. However, the slow methodical motion of her hands on his back w
as doing a good job of dissolving the hardest places inside him. After standing there longer than he’d ever stood in one place, Ben picked his head up a little and angled his gaze back to his father.

  “I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am. You know? Just once. So he would know,” he said, his gaze sliding back and forth over the immobile figure.

  “Tell him now,” she said softly. “He’s still right here.”

  Her words hung suspended in the air above them as Ben closed his eyes and absorbed them.

  Had someone told him what he was about to do, he would’ve called them crazy, but this felt right, more right than life had felt in a long, long time. Kathryn let go of him but didn’t so much as move. She looked at him and after a moment, she took his hand and lifted his father’s hand from the bed. Gently, she formed the bridge upon which they met.

  With the first touch, every broken place in Ben that he had duct taped, strapped, nailed, and glued together collapsed inside him. His heart plummeted, finding no landing place. “Dad…” Tears overtook him, and he shuddered at the avalanche of emotions. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” The tears came out gasps. “I’m so, so sorry for everything.”

  His knees gave way, and he started for the floor. Somehow she came under his arm, and he grabbed onto her even as he now held his father’s hand with only his own. That hand. It was so warm. Still so warm.

  “If I would’ve known how not to be so dumb… If I would’ve known what to do so you wouldn’t be hurt…” His other hand came over then and gripped the old, withered hand in his. It was the hand that had shaken his as he held first one diploma and then another, the hand that had driven the car to come get him when he’d drunk far too much at that party junior year. It was the one that had rubbed his back when Becca broke up with him just before prom and the one that had welcomed him back home every time he was smart enough to come back.

  He held that hand now, gazing down at it, amazed that it was still warm after all this time. “You gave everything, Dad. You loved me even when I was unlovable. You cheered me on when I didn’t think I could take another step. You believed in me even when I had no idea how to believe in myself. And I took all of it for granted. I thought you would always be here with me, so I forgot to say thanks. I forgot to tell you how much you meant to me, and now, I’m afraid it’s too late.”

  For a moment he thought the tears would take him again, but then the clouds cleared, and his gaze did too. His breathing slowed. “I wish I could go back and do it all over again, not to change anything but so I wouldn’t miss so much. It all went so fast…” He closed his eyes then and tried to imprint the memory of his father’s hand in his. “I love you, Dad, and that’s never going to change.”

  As Ben’s words slowed and then ceased, Kathryn let her gaze slide back and forth between them. There was a definite resemblance. Father and son. Son and father. The love of the son for the father was palpable, and so strangely enough was the father’s love for the son. The father had given his all to right the son’s world after chaos exploded around them, and it was easy to see that love had transcended the connection past the tragedies.

  Ben sniffed softly and turned toward her just enough to acknowledge her continued presence in the room. “Do you think he can hear?”

  “Yeah, I do. I think his spirit hears just as yours probably hears his message to you.”

  He nodded. “I wish I could hear his voice again.” His gaze went back to the face, and he touched the man’s shoulder tenderly. “He had such a great voice. He never raised it either, not to me. Even if he was furious, he would grit his teeth to keep from yelling.” The memories lapsed into a long breath. “We used to sit in the mornings, and he would read things out of the paper to me. I don’t know why. Maybe we didn’t know what else to talk about. I learned a lot about what he believed—not so much religion but about politics and the world and people. He knew a lot about people.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me. If you hang out in the medical field very long, you either deepen your soul connection or disconnect completely.”

  Ben nodded. “I think he almost did disconnect, right before Mom left, but her leaving changed him. I know it did. I watched it.”

  “It takes a very courageous soul to see mistakes and decide to change.”

  “I think he was a lot braver than I ever gave him credit for.” Ben pulled in a slow ragged breath. “How much longer do you think we have with him?”

  “It’s hard to know. It depends on the unfinished business and when he feels it’s finished.” When Ben looked at her, Kathryn realized he thought she was nuts. She laughed softly. “I’ve been at this a long time. I’ve seen a lot of things. Some of it I can explain with anatomy charts and medical records. A lot of it can only be explained if you believe in the realm of God. We had a man the other night that had been here for 21 days. Someone from his family had stayed every single night, and then one night they all went home, and he passed on.

  “I can’t explain that anymore than I can tell you why we’re standing here right now, but I believe that the person who is transitioning has an awareness of the plan that we just don’t. Trying to control that plan or to figure it out is next to impossible. It’s much better to just let go and surrender to the process.”

  “Transitioning. Is that what you call it?”

  “If I believed that this was the end, that this was all there was, I couldn’t do this job. It would be too hard. But I don’t believe that. I choose to believe that death is a transition into a different type of existence.”

  “Like a ghost?”

  “Like into who we really are. Into the love we really are.”

  Strangely Ben didn’t protest or even raise the question. Instead, he looked down at his father and smiled ever-so-gently. “He’s going to be okay then.”

  “Yeah. He will.”

  Chapter 13

  As they stood at the bed together, Kathryn’s gaze went up to Ben. He was a good guy with a gentle heart. Sure, he was confused on some points, but she couldn’t fault him for something she was guilty of herself. He turned then and looked down at her, and her heart snagged on the ocean-colored eyes.

  “Thank you,” he said, and there were no tears, no fear, only sincerity all the way to the bottom of his gaze.

  She smiled, sensing her mission had been accomplished. “You’re welcome.” For one more moment she held onto the feeling of being with him. Then her rational side took over, and she glanced back to the chair. “I guess I should be going. I don’t want to keep you up all night.”

  In that instant panic enveloped Ben, not because he didn’t want to be left alone but because he really didn’t want her to leave. “Oh.” His gaze slipped over to where hers was looking. “I… Yeah… I guess so.” Then as she stepped to the chair, his gaze fell on the envelope on the end table. He stepped over and picked it up, knowing it was unfair to her to keep her, but something in him said when she walked out that door, he might never see her again.

  “Um. I know you need to go home,” he said as he turned the envelope over and over in his fingers. “But I… Um.” His heart was hammering in his chest, and he had no way to know just why. Lifting his gaze, he found her soft, compassionate gaze trained on him.

  Without comment, she nodded and sat in the chair. He understood the message perfectly and let his knees lower him onto the couch. Once down, he knew what should come next but he couldn’t get himself to make the next move.

  “Um.” His gaze stayed on the envelope. “I don’t…” Emotions started colliding once again. He tried to breathe them down, but the breath came out in ragged jerks. “I’m not sure…”

  Gently, she reached over and touched his hand, the gesture and contact jolted through him like an electric shock to his soul.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “Really.”

  It was like a super-conductor had set off explosions in him, and he had no idea how to get them to stop. Looking up at her, he found only strength and peace in he
r eyes, and he nodded, understanding what she didn’t say. Feeling the couch to be too difficult to continue sitting on, he slid all the way onto the floor and crossed his legs. Gracefully, she followed him, and he fought not to notice the soft curve of her leg and the gentle peace of her presence next to him. They snagged his breath and refused to let go.

  He fought to remember how they had gotten here and where they were supposed to go. The clock was crawling back up toward midnight, and somewhere far outside his consciousness he heard the rain still pattering on the window. Still this moment seemed designed just for the two of them—no outside interference whatsoever.

  Ben exhaled hard and looked at her. “I almost don’t want to open it.” His gaze fell to the envelope. “It’s like this is it. The last thing he will ever say to me.”

  Then, though he had no explanation for it, she smiled with a mystery behind it that captivated him. “No, it’s not.”

  Everything else slipped away from him. “What does that mean?”

  She tipped her head and shrugged. “You might be surprised how he will find ways to talk to you. It won’t be the same exactly, but you’ll know he’s still here.”

  He couldn’t quite understand what she was saying, but he had no question that she meant it to the depths of her being. “So this isn’t the end?”

  Slowly she shook her head. “It’s only the beginning.”

  There was no way to really ask what she meant, and in a strange way, he knew what she meant. He turned the envelope over once more. “It’s time, huh?”

  “Only if you’re ready.”