Coming Undone

by Stallings, Staci

  A half nod and then a full one coupled with a breath. “It’s time.” His hands came together, his elbows resting on his knees. It wasn’t difficult to open, not nearly as difficult as he had thought it would be. In seconds the envelope fell away, and he took one more breath, opened the tri-fold, and put his hand, wrist up to his lips. It was a sure bet he would need the help keeping the emotions under control.

  Kathryn sat, watching him without words. He laughed softly at something in the letter, and she wondered what it said. But this was his letter, his moment, and she knew not to intrude. Instead, she let her gaze fall to her hands on her skirt and a prayer went through her—a silent prayer for him. She wasn’t even sure what words went with the prayer, only that she felt it all the way through her.

  “Huh.” Ben laughed softly, smiled, and shook his head. He looked over at her, and her heart flipped.

  Suddenly her breath vanished, and she felt like she was falling far and fast with no way to stop.

  “Want to read it?” he asked, and she had no idea how to answer that question.

  “I don’t…”

  “No.” The word was soft. He turned the paper over to her. “I think you should.”

  Not understanding, she took the paper he held out to her. “Okay.”

  She was intensely aware of him watching her even as she bent over the paper. Reading what was in his eyes was as impossible as reading what was on the paper in the dim light. Pushing his gaze from her consciousness, she adjusted herself so she could make out the handwriting. It was in a script that would take all of her deciphering ability to read.

  Dear Ben,

  Since you’re reading this, I guess the end has definitely come. Please don’t be worried about me. I’ve known this was coming for some time, and I’m okay with it. I know God’s love has a plan for me even after I leave this earth. Much of me is excited to start the next chapter. It will surely be an adventure. The only thing that concerns me is you and how alone my departure will leave you. That’s why I’ve made some extra special requests of God, and He has assured me that He has a plan for you as well. I wish I could be there to see what those plans are, but rest assured I will be checking in periodically, so enjoy what is coming into your life. It, too, will be a grand adventure.

  If you will indulge your dad in giving one more little piece of advice, I’d like to tell you from one who has been where you are: Do not take the good things for granted. There is a plan, but if you get too caught up in your stuff and doing things your way, you will miss the blessings God is sending. Unfortunately, I did that with your mother, and I almost did it with you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish and for aiming at the wrong goals for so long. I messed a lot of things up in your life, but I hope I got a few things right, too. Please let the good outweigh the bad in your heart, and know that I tried the best I knew how.

  Regardless, do not let my mistakes hold you back from living the life God has worked out for you now. He loves you—of that much I am perfectly sure. We’ve had many, many conversations over you—me and your Heavenly Father. He loves you even more than I, which I still find difficult to believe, but I know it to be true. I know you don’t buy into religion and all of that, but I hope that will change for you as it did for me. God brought me through, Ben, and He can do the same for you if you will let Him.

  See, I told you this would be a lecture, and you’ve heard too many from me already. So I will close now, not because this is the end, but because it’s time to step into the next chapter. Ben, I want you to know that you are and always were an awesome son. I have been so proud to call you my son, and I would never have traded even a moment we had together. I look forward to the ones we will share on the other side.

  For now, last piece of advice, I promise: Make the right things important, don’t settle for pleasure when true happiness is possible, and always love like there is no tomorrow. You will never be sorry for it.

  Goodbye for now.

  Love,

  Dad

  When Kathryn looked up, the tears streaming from her eyes were reflected on the ones he was wiping from his own.

  “I think he knew,” Ben said, his words so soft they hardly found the air.

  “I think he loved you very much.”

  Ben nodded. “Yeah. He did.”

  Looking at her, Ben had the feeling that his father had known far more than just his love for his son. “A grand adventure.” He let out a breath. “And here I thought we just lived.”

  “Maybe living means something more than just existing.”

  He nodded, sniffing although the tears had faded into numbed exhaustion. “Maybe so.” A moment and he forced himself to look down at his watch. “Oh, man. You’d better get home. I’ve kept you…” He reached back to the couch to pull himself up. However, her hand stopped him, and on his knee, he stopped.

  “It’s probably not my place, but I have to say, your dad was a very smart man. I see too many people come through here who have made the wrong things important.” She stopped and let her gaze fall. “I guess what I’m saying is… I want you to know… Being here, with you… tonight…” Her words faded out into silence, and it was clear she didn’t know how to finish that thought.

  Ben pushed all the way to standing and then put his hand down for her. It was the most natural thing in the world to feel her hand in his, and his heart began asking just how much his father had prayed. In seconds she was standing there, just inches from him. Kissing her was wrong though that’s what he wanted to do. Instead, he stepped over to her and wrapped her in his arms.

  “Thank you so much for being here,” he said, and his whole body felt the mesh of his spirit with hers. It went through him, all the way to his toes, and he closed his eyes to savor the feeling. He had never felt so not alone.

  Next to him, she sniffed, and he felt her tightened her grip around his waist once more. “Will you be okay?”

  “Yeah.” He nodded, knowing now it was the truth. Gently he rubbed his hands up and down her back, reluctant to let her go, but knowing she needed to get home. A moment more and he backed up, holding her arms in his hands, wishing she wasn’t leaving. “Will you be back tomorrow?”

  A glint shot through her eyes. “It is tomorrow.”

  He laughed. “Good point.” With that, he let go of her, grabbed up her jacket and belongings, and helped her get ready. “How far is it home?”

  “Thirty minutes. Not that bad.”

  His spirit tugged on him that sending her now might not be safe. “Will you be okay… driving?”

  She resettled the jacket on her shoulders and retrieved her purse from him before picking up the rest of her things. “I’ll be fine.” When she caught his worried look, she smiled. “I promise.”

  It took him a long moment to get himself to be okay with that answer. “Do you want to call me when you get home?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “I know you will, but I want to make sure.”

  She smiled. “Okay.”

  Kathryn walked through the quiet hospice unit. No one was around, and she was glad for that. Her head was spinning so badly, she couldn’t decide how bad it would be for anyone to see her. She decided it was better to not have to worry about the question. Outside the rain had settled into a soft drizzle, and she ran to her car, her keys out and ready. She slipped into the car, brushing the memories back. Could it have been real?

  In one way it felt like a dream. In another, it was the most real she had ever felt. She started the car and pulled out into traffic. As she drove, her heart replayed the time with him over and over. One part of her tried to remind her that he was a client nothing more. But there were whole sections of her that wanted nothing more than to forget that detail.

  Him, sitting in the dim light. Him, reading the letter. Him, holding her. That one snagged her breath. She could still feel his arms around her. Strong and safe—they felt like Heaven. In her purse on the other seat her cel
l phone beeped, and she looked at the digital numbers on the clock in surprise. 1:13.

  Knowing slipped into her spirit as she dug for the phone with one hand. She pulled it out and beeped it on. “This is Kathryn.”

  “Well, what a coincidence. I just called Kathryn.” Ben’s voice sounded like tinkling bells. It was difficult to remember he was sitting in a hospice unit with death itself closing in.

  “Well, that is a coincidence.” She shook back her hair and fought the laugh. “What are you calling me for? I thought I was supposed to call you.”

  It was clear he, too, was fighting the laugh. “You were taking too long.”

  She laughed outright at that. “I didn’t know I was being timed.”

  “Call it insurance. Thirty minutes was going to make me nuts.”

  “More than you already are? That would be bad.”

  “Hey.” Even over the phone, she could imagine him relaxing back into the couch. No one said anything for a long moment.

  “So how are you doing?” she asked more because she wanted to know than for some professional reason.

  “I’m good.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Good? I’m thinking a miracle would be closer.”

  “A miracle?” The bright lights from the last strip mall spiraled across the hood of her car as her heart jumped in her chest. “That good, huh?”

  “Better.”

  It was nearly two in the morning when Kathryn had hung up with him. The conversation had no earth-shattering qualities to it. In fact, the next morning besides the quietly peaceful feeling she had when she thought about it, she couldn’t really recall anything they had really talked about. Truth be told, there were several long stretches when no one said anything, but they were hardly awkward. When she thought about them, thought about just hearing him breathing, it danced across her heart.

  She tried to keep herself from floating off the floor as she got ready, wondering what his favorite color was and if he preferred skirts or pants. For whole stretches she even let herself think about what a first date with him might be like—a restaurant or something simpler? She wasn’t sure of anything other than it would just be wonderful to be with him.

  “Slow down, Kathryn. Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Her mind traipsed to the calendar. Friday. Then it hit her like a steam roller. Friday. Oh, no! Today was Friday. Her heart plummeted like it had just taken a plunge off a ten-story building. Tonight was her date with Nathan! She hadn’t even thought of it in 24 hours.

  Her whole body went into rush-and-trip mode. Nerves overtook her. She looked at her watch and realized she was already late. Worse, she was tired and now outright panicky. With a sigh that helped nothing, she grabbed her briefcase and headed out the door.

  “Ben. Ben, wake up.”

  “What?” Ben asked, coming back awake. He’d been having the most wonderful dream featuring him and a blonde-haired beauty walking on a sun-drenched beach. Fighting to figure our where reality was, he reached up and raked his fingers through his hair.

  “Ben, wake up, man.”

  “Kelly?” Squinting into the memory of where he was and why he was there, Ben searched his friend’s face and then looked just beyond him. With one glance he awoke, sitting up so quickly, his head spun. At the bed stood Jason, who had his arm wrapped around a small woman Ben didn’t recognize, and she was crying. Next to Jason and on the other side of the bed stood three medical personnel. Ben couldn’t remember hearing anything. When had everyone come in? He looked up at Kelly who had compassion etched on his face.

  “Ben, he’s gone.”

  “Please. Please. Please don’t let this take too long.” Kathryn nearly twisted her ankle as she scrambled from her car and slammed the door behind her. The gas station was busier than normal, which had already cost her another eight precious minutes. Clutching her credit card and hoping she could focus long enough to make the transaction, she went through the process of entering all of her information. Her whole body seemed set on slow motion even though she was trying to get it to move. When the nozzle was finally in the tank and the gas was flowing, she took a moment to look at her watch. She was already ten minutes late, and she was still fifteen minutes from work.

  “Ugh.” She needed to call in and let them know. As the numbers on the pump rolled up, she stomped back to the car and pulled on the door handle. It slipped from her grasp. Not understanding, she tried again with the same result. “Wh…?” Then a horrible feeling dove through her. The keys. The pump behind her snapped off, but she was too busy trying to see in the tinted windows. “No. No. No. Oh, please…”

  But there they were, hanging from the ignition as if to put a stamp on how rotten the day was going to be.

  “I… I don’t understand,” Ben said, scrambling up. “I… he was… I went to sleep about 2:30. He was still here.”

  “I checked an hour ago,” the nurse beside the bed said. She was the same one with the bobbed black hair from that first day. Her gaze was filled with compassion. “You were asleep. He was still here.”

  The doctor nodded and stepped back as if to say it is finished.

  The nurse looked at all of them. “I’m really sorry.”

  Stunned. It was the only thing Ben could register. His whole body went numb in one instant. He swallowed hard, not from grief but from utter shock. Not really wanting to but knowing he should since the doctor and nurse had moved away, Ben put his head down and stepped over to the bed.

  The face was already losing the pink-white tint, and Ben had to force himself to breathe. The woman next to Jason let out a sob that did nothing to calm Ben’s racing heart. Standing there, next to Jason, he reached down to touch the hand that he had held only a few short hours before. A soft gasp jolted through him as tears yanked to the surface. The hand was already cold. Ben’s heart fell, knowing this really was, finally the end. All of the heartache, all of the wrenching decisions—they had all led to this one horrible moment.

  He could hardly breathe, hardly think. How had they gotten here so very quickly? He blinked back the tears now blurring his vision. The feeling of being completely alone washed over him. How was he ever going to go on?

  At that moment his brother turned to him, and through the tears shimmering on his lashes, he opened his arms. Ben had never been more grateful for someone to grab onto.

  “I’ve already been out on six calls this morning,” the locksmith said as he worked on Kathryn’s car. “Must be something in the air. Maybe it’s a full moon tonight.”

  Kathryn knew she should be saying something witty and cute, but she couldn’t think of anything. She looked at her watch, wanting to ask how long this was going to take but figuring that would just slow him down.

  The lock clicked, and he pulled the slim jim out and opened the door. “Good as new.”

  “Hallelujah.”

  “We have arranged for transport,” the balding man in the well-worn suit who had arrived shortly after the doctor had left said.

  The four of them had stepped away from the bed. There was no longer a reason to stand in that spot. The soul that had been there was gone.

  “We just need to know the name of the funeral home.”

  Ben’s mind slipped into the understanding that this man was arranging something that Kathryn should have. “Is…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Is Ms. Walker here?”

  All four gazes went to him, and he felt completely exposed.

  “No,” the man said. “She was having some trouble with her car, so I stayed.”

  “Oh.” Ben nodded as his heart panged. He tried to listen to the rest of the conversation, but it swirled away from him.

  “Come on!” If Kathryn didn’t know better, she would think the whole universe was against her this morning. The workers in the construction area had traffic down to one lane as they worked in the manhole. What could possibly be so important it had to be fixed this morning? “God, come on, here. Clyde is going to shoot me on the spot already
.”

  Cars honked all around her as traffic snarled to a halt. Frustration began to twine around her, and she hit her horn for no reason other than it let out some of the steam.

  “Hey! Lady! Can’t you see…”

  She didn’t hear the rest, and part of her was glad for that. Reining in the overwhelm, she put her head back. “God, please, I’m asking here. Please.” Then as she breathed and forced herself to calm down, she forced herself to put the day in His hands. It wasn’t easy. In fact, she wasn’t even sure how successful she was, but at least she no longer felt like screaming at everyone around her.

  After many long, agonizing minutes, traffic began moving again, though at a crawl, and she realized she needed to let work know she was going to be even further delayed. The only good thing was she didn’t make a habit of being late, so they would surely forgive this one time.

  Together, with the three of them, Ben exited the room for the last time. Transport would be here any minute, and there were now new issues to deal with—clothes, services, obituaries. The thoughts were overwhelming, but somehow Ben was holding himself in one piece. Kelly, Jason, and Holly headed for the doors, but Ben just couldn’t leave without knowing, without asking.

  He stepped over to the desk and waited for the nurse from before to get off the phone. Leaning on the counter, he prayed she wouldn’t put more pieces together than were there.

  “Can I help you?” she finally asked.

  Ben purposely didn’t notice the pity in her eyes. It would bring up all the other things he didn’t really want to deal with at the moment. “Um, we’re just about to leave, but I was wondering… Uh.” Words failed as his heart twisted in his chest. “Is… Um… has Ms. Walker come in yet?”

  “Oh.” The nurse started. “That was just her on the phone. It sounds like traffic is a major mess this morning. She wasn’t sure when she would get here. I’m sorry.”