What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

  “There are my babies!” Josie spreads her arms wide, and Lucas lunges out of my arms, dive-bombing for his mother.

  Serenity waves but stays content in my arms. Her gaze is pulled in the direction of the splashes coming from the pool several feet away, and she points when she spots her older brothers.

  “You can swim after you eat lunch.” I sit with her in my lap. “You hungry?”

  She nods, popping her thumb out of her mouth.

  “So,” Josie starts, handing Lucas a carrot to munch on. “Want to tell me about what happened with my brother yesterday?”

  I groan, squeezing my eyes shut. “I’m so embarrassed.”

  “Don’t be. Cole is the one who should be embarrassed.”

  I shift Serenity on my lap as I break apart pieces of turkey for her. “What did he say, exactly?”

  “He said you thought he was the landscaper, and that set him off.” She shrugs. “He’s a man of few words. Figured you’d give me more.”

  “I thought you’d found a new landscaper when I saw the beat-up truck out front and caught him walking into your backyard. I came back here to see if he had a business card. Then, I saw him drinking.” I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have approached him like that. I feel so stupid.”

  Josie scoffs. “You did nothing wrong. I saw the way he looked when I got home. I would’ve assumed the same as you.”

  I lift a shoulder and let it fall. “I feel bad. He seemed so ... angry.”

  “He’s going through a lot right now.” Her eyes roam over Lucas’ face, the corners of her mouth tugging down. “He’s really not an asshole. You just caught him at a bad time.”

  A heaviness settles in my chest when I recall his rigid body, muscles wound up tight, his eyes mirroring a raging storm.

  What happened to him?

  “You never talk about him,” I say. “We’ve been friends for five years, and I don’t think you’ve said his name once.”

  “We had a fight after my dad passed. Cole said some awful things to me after the funeral. He resents me for not being there often enough when our parents got sick.”

  “You were on bedrest with Miles, and Brandon was only one. It wasn’t like you chose not to be there.”

  She nods, though it’s clear she doesn’t agree.

  “Why is he here now, after all this time?” I ask.

  “His ex-wife and her filthy-rich parents took everything in their divorce. He needs a place to stay, so he’ll be living in our pool house for a while.”

  I cringe. “And I basically told him he looked homeless. Great. Way to go, Callie.”

  “Way go, Callie!” Lucas shouts.

  Josie chuckles. “It’s fine. Forget about it. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you and Paul come over for dinner tonight? You can get to know Cole, and then you won’t feel so awkward about things. It’ll clear the air.”

  I chew my bottom lip. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not? You guys haven’t been over in a while. I’m starting to think you’ve found another couple to double-date with.”

  I laugh. “We haven’t. I just ... Paul’s on a cleanse, so no alcohol for him until the Fourth.”

  She lifts an eyebrow. “We have water and iced tea, you know.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to make you go out of your way, cooking something healthy especially for him. We’ll be here next week for your Fourth of July party.”

  “Pool! Lucas swim now!”

  Josie sets Lucas down on the grass and shimmies a pool diaper up his legs. “You have to stop referring to yourself in the third person, Lucas. It’s only cute for so long, and you’re pushing the limit.”

  She tosses me a bottle of sunscreen. “You do Serenity, and I’ll wrangle this bull.”

  “Lucas no screen! Lucas no screen!” He attempts to make a run for it, but Josie lifts him up onto the chair.

  “Lucas needs screen, so hold still.”

  “No hold still!”

  “You’re like a parrot who talks back, you know that?”

  I stifle a laugh and squirt sunscreen into my palm. Serenity sits still for me, calm, watching her brother as he throws a fit.

  “Hey, Lucas,” I call over my shoulder. “If you don’t put sunscreen on, you will get a boo-boo. Did you know that?”

  His eyebrows dip low as he looks at me, disbelief written across his adorable, chubby face. “Lucas gets boo-boo?”

  I nod. “It’s true. The sun can burn, like fire. The sunscreen protects you.”

  His eyes go wide, and his body stills. “Fire burn.”

  “Good one, Callie,” Josie whispers. “See, this is why I keep you around.”

  I wink. “Okay, my sweet Serenity. You ready to swim?”

  She grins, fisting my sweater as I hoist her into my arms. When I set her down on the grass by the pool, she pulls my sweater down with her.

  Josie gasps. “Callie, your arm!”

  My heart leaps into my throat, and I yank my sweater back over my shoulders. “Oh, you know how easily I bruise.”

  She jerks Lucas into her arms and closes the gap between us in two strides with her long legs. “That’s not just a little bruise. What happened? Is that why you didn’t want to go swimming today?”

  I swat her hand away as she goes for my sweater. “Paul got a little rough the other night.” I lower my voice. “During sex. Let’s not make a big deal out of it.”

  A wary look flashes across Josie’s face. “Like the good kind of rough?”

  I nod, pushing my lips into a smile. “Paul didn’t realize how hard he was grabbing onto me.”

  “Damn, Callie.” A relieved breath rushes out of her lips. “You’re freakier than me.”

  I huff out a laugh. “Hardly.”

  “Come on, Serenity.” Brandon slaps his palms onto the concrete. “Come swim with your big brother.”

  Serenity cranes her neck to look up at her mother. “I swim?”

  “Yes, my girl.” Josie kneels down and kisses her forehead. “You swim with Brandon.”

  I gather my dress around my knees and sit by the edge of the pool, letting my feet dip into the cool water. Josie brings Lucas in by the shallow end, and all conversation about my bruises are forgotten.

  I love swimming. Paul had our pool installed when we first moved into our house. We both had visions of splashing in it with our children and having their friends over for barbecues and pool parties.

  Now, we just throw money down the drain every year for the upkeep.

  At three o’clock, I help Josie clean up and get ready to head back to my house.

  “Thanks for a fun day.” I wrap my arms around Josie’s shoulders and give her a squeeze.

  She holds me out in front of her, her dark eyes bouncing between mine. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “And you know I’d help you with anything, no matter what it was?”

  I offer her a reassuring nod.

  Her gaze lingers on me for another moment longer, and then her face breaks into a smile. “Good. Talk soon!”

  Once I’m out the front door, I release the breath I’ve been holding.

  That was close. Too close.

  I’ll have to be more careful.

  If Josie finds out, there’s no way she’ll keep my secret.

  Eager to get home and away from my friend’s prying eyes, I scurry down the path with my head down—which is why I don’t see anything coming when I slam into someone. My sunglasses fly off my face and clatter onto the concrete.

  “I’m so sorry. I—” My spine stiffens when my eyes land on the victim I collided with, like I’m a helpless bystander on the shoreline, watching the swell of an incoming tidal wave. Nowhere to run, nowhere to take cover.

  Cole crouches down and plucks my frames off the ground. Then he stands to his full height and examines my lenses. He’s wearing the same filthy outfit and fitted hat that he had on yesterday. That intense energy rolls
off of him as he looks into my eyes, and it seizes my lungs. Being near him is like being zapped with an electrical current.

  He holds out my sunglasses. “Don’t look like they’re scratched, princess.”

  Princess?

  “It’s fine. They’re ridiculous anyway, remember?” I snatch my glasses back and try to maneuver around him.

  “Wait.”

  His hand shoots out for my wrist, but I jerk my arm back, gasping as I recoil at the sudden contact.

  “Whoa.” He holds his palms up on either side of his head. “Not gonna hurt you.”

  I avert my eyes to my feet, cheeks flaming, embarrassed that he caught me off guard. “What do you want?”

  He heaves a sigh, his big shoulders rising and falling. “I owe you an apology. My sister told me you’re a friend of hers. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”

  I should accept the apology and move on. But his attitude provokes something within me, something that should be ignored, remain in its place. Something that knows better than to enter into confrontation.

  Something that only gets me into trouble.

  “You’re sorry because I’m friends with your sister? Or because what you said was rude and hurtful?”

  His jaw clenches, the muscles working under his skin. “Both.”

  “Because it was, you know.” My eyes flick up to his. “Rude and hurtful.”

  “Which is why I’m apologizing,” he grits out.

  “But you meant what you said yesterday, didn’t you? I mean, you wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it.”

  His head jerks back. “You judged me by my appearance the same way I judged you. I don’t hear an apology coming out of your mouth.”

  “That was a misunderstanding. Some random man traipses into my friend’s backyard, covered in dirt. Who else would I have assumed it was?”

  “You know what they say about assuming, princess. It’s very unbecoming on you.”

  I scoff, setting a hand on my hip. “You’re the one assuming things about people’s lives you know nothing about.”

  “So, you’re telling me those sunglasses weren’t a couple hundred dollars?” He gestures to my sandals. “Those shoes weren’t the same price as a car payment? I know people like you better than you think.”

  My finger jabs the air between us. “Why don’t you worry about your own damn problems instead of worrying about what I spend my money on?”

  He raises his arm, and I duck behind my forearm on instinct.

  “Shit,” he mutters, merely reaching up to adjust the brim of his hat. “Why are you so jumpy?”

  “I’m not jumpy. You’re jumpy!”

  The corner of his mouth twitches, and his eyes sparkle with amusement. “Good one.”

  A frustrated growl creeps into my throat. This man is infuriating. “Just ... leave me alone. Apology accepted.” I wave my hand as I step around him. “Whatever.”

  I stomp across the street, every nerve in my body tingling, heat scorching my insides.

  Josie was wrong about her brother.

  That guy’s an asshole.

  Three

  Cole

  I am in hell.

  I’m in hell, and the devil is a tiny blond woman who lives across the street.

  The woman who walked into my sister’s yard yesterday like she owned the place, looking down her perfectly shaped nose at me as if I were the hired help.

  Fucking rich people.

  My skin crawls being here, living amongst the fakes and the self-righteous. It’s the reason I left New York, yet here I am, living in a pool house, for God’s sake. My sister has become one of those people.

  “Uncle Cole! Uncle Cole! Watch this flip!”

  I stop walking across the yard to watch my nephew run and fling himself into the pool.

  I tip my chin. “Nice, Miles.”

  “Thanks! Callie gave me some pointers, and now my flip is perfect. She gave me a ten!”

  And she gave me a headache.

  “That’s great.” I jerk my head toward the pool house. “Gonna go shower now.”

  Brandon jogs alongside me. “Are you coming over for dinner tonight?”

  I hike a noncommittal shoulder. “Don’t know.”

  “Please come! Please, Uncle Cole.”

  I want to tell him no. I want to tell him I’ll never be a part of his family, of his life, because it’s too painful for me to witness. It makes everything worse, makes me remember, and all I want is to forget.

  But I make the mistake of looking into the kid’s eyes, wide and full of hope. The kind of innocence that can only belong to a pure, happy soul. One not desecrated by the vileness of the world.

  To add insult to injury, my sister trudges across the lawn with a twin on each hip. Lucas’ ranting about something, tiny fists balled in the air. He’s like a drunk caveman, shouting in two-word demands.

  But it’s his sister who has the bile churning in my gut, threatening to spill over. I try to tear my gaze away from her, but I’m a masochist. Her round, brown eyes capture me in an instant, dragging me down into the depths of despair where all my hopes and dreams now float like bodies in the water.

  Serenity rests her head of curls on Josie’s shoulder, lips around her thumb, watching me.

  I almost puke when her fingers wiggle, waving at me in that wary but curious way she has about her.

  How am I supposed to stay here?

  How am I supposed to bear this?

  I gnash my teeth together and swallow around the lump in my throat.

  Just need to get my feet back on the ground.

  Then, I’m out of here.

  “I’m making Mom’s lasagna tonight,” Josie says. “Kids would love to spend time with their uncle.”

  Guilt-trip Josie. That’ll be her new name.

  “I’ll see.”

  She scoffs. “What else are you doing? You need to eat, Cole.”

  “Cole, eat! Cole, eat!”

  Serenity giggles at the tiny caveman. The fluttery sound of her laughter is equivalent to a grenade going off in my chest cavity.

  “You should teach your kid how to speak in full sentences.”

  Josie lifts an eyebrow. “His Uncle Cole can teach him how. Tonight. At dinner.”

  “Yeah!” Brandon pumps his fist in the air. “Uncle Cole’s coming to dinner.”

  I glare at my sister.

  She winks. “And clean yourself up. You look like the landscaper.”

  Damn that blond she-devil.

  “No!” The scream tears from my mouth, my soul crying out in terror.

  I jolt upright, chest heaving, gasping for air.

  A nightmare.

  It was a nightmare.

  If only it were just a nightmare.

  I swing my legs out of bed and plant my feet on the cool tile floor, my head dropping between my shoulders. Pressing my fingertips to my temples, I make small circles while I gulp my breaths down.

  I knew being here would make the nightmares worse. I expected as much.

  Dinner with my sister and her family tonight was another reminder of the life I’ll never have.

  The life I almost had.

  So close I held it in my hands.

  But I took it for granted.

  Had to pay the price.

  Was my own damn fault.

  Pushing off the king-size mattress, I head to the stainless steel fridge and swipe two bottles off the bottom shelf before returning to bed. I pop the top off one and set the other on the side table beside me on standby. The cool liquid slides down my throat, soothing my insides as it sloshes into the pit of my stomach.

  If only the blond devil could see me now, double-fisting at close to two o’clock in the morning.

  My lips curl into a smirk as I allow my thoughts to drift.

  Callie Kingston came into Josie’s backyard yesterday like a blinding ray of sunlight. Pin-straight hair, not a shiny strand out of place. Killer curves wrapped in that tight, yellow dress.
Everything about her screamed perfection. Money. Luxury. Look but don’t touch.

  Everything I despise.

  But today, when she practically tried to run through me, she seemed different. Off. Her mask had slipped, revealing something else entirely.

  Wild, golden waves cascaded down her back, a slight frizz to them, like she’d been sweating in the sun all day. (The girl was wearing a cardigan in the middle of summer—I broke a sweat just looking at her.) Without the ginormous sunglasses in the way, I was able to catch a glimpse of her stunning emerald irises.

  But it isn’t her obvious outer beauty that has me thinking about her in the middle of the night.

  Something flashed in those eyes of hers, something worldly. Like she’d seen too much, experienced more than someone her age should have. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t even see me standing there in the middle of the walkway. As if whatever was on her mind consumed her.

  I know the kinds of secrets that lurk behind the closed doors of the wealthy. Know how they can eat you alive from the inside until there is nothing left but a shell of yourself. Rotting flesh and bone for the vultures to pick apart.

  What’s your secret, princess?

  I polish off my second beer, and my stomach rumbles. I had two bites of lasagna at dinner. Lost my appetite after Serenity tried to wrap her fingers around my thumb when I reached for the bread basket. The gentle affection seared my skin, a branding iron on top of a gaping wound.

  I couldn’t stand the jealousy that coursed through me when I saw the interactions between Josie and Dan. The love and adoration that poured from their hearts nearly drowned me, not because they didn’t deserve it—my sister deserves everything good in this world—but didn’t I deserve it too?

  I did once.

  What’s left for me now?

  My empty stomach growls again. Since I’ll likely be up the rest of the night—always am after a nightmare—I shove my feet into my sneakers and head across the yard to Josie’s house.

  I punch the code into the alarm pad and slide open the glass door. Expecting everyone to be asleep, I’m surprised to find Josie, Dan, and Lucas sitting on stools at the granite island in the kitchen.