A Child To Call Her Own

by Gill Sanderson

  Maria was like no other woman he had ever met. Well, not since Jane. He had to add that. Maria's face, body, voice all were lovely. More than that, she was good to be with. He couldn't quite pinpoint it, there was some quality in her that meshed with his own personality. When they worked together with a patient, they could almost read each other's thoughts. There was something binding them that he had never experienced before.

  So what should he do? He knew he was scared of offering any woman full-time commitment. Perhaps something more relaxed, more easygoing? But he knew better than that. To offer her anything less than full-blooded commitment would be a disgrace.

  Then he smiled, a grim smile. He had been thinking that all he had to do was make up his own mind. But Maria had a mind, too. And she had just stated that their night together had been a mistake. That it would not be repeated. He knew that James was still a problem for her. When she looked at his son, she thought of her own child. It must be hard for her. What could he do?

  He went downstairs, found himself at a loss. There was no James to take out, he was away with his grandmother. Usually the two of them went on some kind of an expedition at the weekend. He packed a towel and drove to the university swimming baths, tried to exercise his way to calmness. After a hard hour he climbed out, tired but not relaxed.

  Back home he looked at the phone. Maria would be in her room, perhaps it would help if he phoned her. Not really. He did not know himself what he wanted to say. He just knew that he didn't want things to end, there must be some kind of future for them.

  He made tea for himself, had no idea what he was eating. Perhaps study was the answer. He took down his O and G textbooks, ran through cases he might never come across. But it helped a little. For a while he was a doctor only, not having personal thoughts.

  Finally he felt fatigue creeping over him. Yesterday evening had been hard, today—in its way—had been even harder. He sat in his study, poured himself a whisky and thought about Maria. Again.

  What did he want of her? She was an attractive woman and he had feelings like any man. And she was good at work and good to work with. He thought over his actions of the night before. He had brought her back to his home out of genuine compassion. When he'd said that he was not into one-night stands he had been entirely truthful. So what did he want of her?

  One thing was certain. He had been married, they had been the happiest days of his life and then his wife had died. Just like Maria, he had thought that he could not stand the pain of that loss again so he wasn't going to risk it. It was a conclusion that brought him no pleasure.

  He wondered. Dared he try to start a new relationship? Then he decided. He would have to ask her again.

  Maria was rather surprised. It was early Tuesday evening, she was sitting in her room in the nurses' home, doing nothing very much, when there was a phone call from Tom. Then she was irritated with herself for the way, when she heard his voice, that her heart beat a little faster.

  'Doesn't matter if you're busy,' Tom said, 'but I could do with a bit of help. I've got to make an evening visit to a lady living on her own.'

  'So you want a nurse with you?'

  His voice was apologetic. 'Actually, what I need is a chaperone. This is not a medical problem, there won't even be an examination. I've prescribed HRT for this woman, who's just starting the menopause. The woman is on her own and when I've called in the past she's been just a bit...well, friendly.'

  'Get away,' said Maria.

  'So, if you're not doing anything else, I'd like you to come along. I'll pick you up at the nurses' home. And I'll arrange for you to have half a day off some time in lieu.'

  'There's no real need for that. Give me half an hour to put my uniform back on.'

  'I'll be outside.' He rang off.

  It had been four days since they had slept together. She had been anxious about meeting him on Monday morning, but he had gone out of his way to make things easy for her. He had been pleasant, friendly, had asked about her minor injuries and told her that with any luck she would not have to make any statement about the fire. Things couldn't have been better.

  But she felt there had been an unspoken message in his words, in his attitude. When he had passed her a mug of coffee, his fingers had seemed to touch hers slightly longer than necessary. She had caught him looking at her with an expression she hadn't quite understood. Thoughtful? Hopeful? Assessing? She just didn't know.

  Of course, after the night she had spent in his bed, things could never be quite the same between them. Too much had been felt. And now, whatever there was between them had been put on hold. She suspected this situation couldn't last. And she didn't know what to do.

  He picked her up in half an hour, as promised, and took her to an expensive flat. A very much made-up, carefully dressed Mrs Jennings was surprised to see two of them, and Maria saw disappointment in her eyes. 'There really was no need for you both to come,' she said to Maria.

  As Tom had said, there was no need for an examination. He answered a few questions about Mrs Jennings's condition that could have been easily dealt with over the phone. Then the three of them sat in an uncomfortable silence. Both Tom and Maria refused the offer of a drink. And before they went, Maria gave the woman her card. 'Any further problems in this area, give me a ring first,' she said. 'I'll refer you to a doctor if you need it.'

  Mrs Jennings realised she was beaten. 'Of course,' she said.

  'I was glad you were there,' Tom said as they walked down the stairs together. 'Perhaps I was being ultra-sensitive, but it is the quickest I've ever been able to get out of that flat.'

  'She's lonely,' Maria said. 'I recognise the signs.'

  He sighed. 'I know,' he said. 'I've tried to suggest a few activities to her, but she doesn't appear to want to listen. I can't offer treatment for loneliness. Though sometimes I wish I could.'

  'Don't we all?'

  Both knew that they weren't talking about Mrs Jennings. They were talking about themselves.

  He opened the car door for her. 'Isn't it a gorgeous night?' he said.

  He seemed to take her back an unusual way. They weren't going straight home.

  'Where are we going?' she asked.

  'We're taking a detour. It'll all be made clear in a minute.' His voice sounded slightly strained, and for the first time she felt slightly uneasy. Still, he was Tom. She knew she could trust him.

  He made a couple of turns and then stopped. She looked around. They were on the promenade, overlooking the river. Other cars were parked there, but some distance away. It was clear night, the moon was out, shining silver on the dark water. Across the river sparkled the lights of a refinery, and in the distance there was snow on the Welsh hills.

  'After a moment's silence he said, 'It's beautiful, isn't it?'

  'Very beautiful. Why did you bring me here?'

  He seemed to be at a loss as to what to say next, and she felt uncomfortable. She asked, 'Did you really want me to act as chaperone with Mrs Jennings or was that just an excuse to get me where you could talk to me?'

  'Yes, I did want a chaperone. Talking to you was an...an extra. I've been thinking about this for four days, Maria.'

  'Thinking about us sleeping together?'

  'Thinking about us making love,' he gently corrected her. 'There is a big difference.'

  'That word—love,' she said. 'It frightens me. It makes me think of pain, of loss, because of my James.'

  'It frightens me, too.'

  From somewhere he appeared to gain strength. His voice was more assured now he had decided what he needed to say. He stretched out his hand, stroked her shoulder. It was a very small caress, but she liked it.

  'Maria, I'm only going to say this once, it's the only way I can be fair to you and to myself. We've not known each other long. But there's been something growing between us, something I haven't felt for years. We go well together, don't we? You must have felt it.'

  'I know what you mean,' she whispered. 'I suppose I feel it,
too.'

  'I think I'm starting to love you,' he said.

  'You can't say that! You can't think that you're starting to love someone! You either do or you don't, there's no room for in between because—'

  'All right, I love you! I've spent years avoiding emotion, not letting myself slide into any relationship because I've been there and it ended and the hurt was unendurable. Maria, I think that if we work at it, there might be something in it for both of us.'

  The words seemed to echo around the inside of the car. She looked desperately through the windscreen, wished she was away there walking those distant snow-topped mountains, where she wouldn't have to think, wouldn't have to go through this new heartache, this desperate search for a decision.

  'Tom, I just can't do it,' she said. 'If there was any man who could make me happy, it would be you. But there's James to consider, as well as both of us. He deserves better than I can give him. When I look at him I see a different James and it breaks my heart. Tom, we have to stop this now.'

  There was silence.

  She looked at him, there was just enough moonlight to outline his profile. He was sad but he was determined.

  'It's your decision,' he said, 'and perhaps it's the right one, I don't know. But we'll still work together and we'll still be friends, won't we? It'll mean a lot to me.'

  'We'll work together and we'll be friends,' she said. It didn't sound like much.

  'I'll not ask you again, it would only lead to grief between us. Shall we go home now?'

  'It might be a good idea,' she said. 'I can't think of anything more to say. Though I wish I could.'

  Tom took her back to the nurses' home and watched until she disappeared inside. Then he sighed and drove towards home. So what did he do now?

  He knew that they would still be able to work together. Maria was a professional, she would never let her personal feelings hinder her work. So perhaps the best option was to forget about what had happened. To carry on as doctor and midwife, smiling politely, conferring over their patients, ignoring the fact that each had a private life away from the clinic. Professionally, he didn't want to lose her, she was a great asset to the clinic.

  Personally, he had made a mistake. Maria wasn't ready for what he had to offer her—perhaps he wasn't ready himself. The death of Jane had wrecked his life, he Wasn't going to risk that kind of pain again. And because of Maria's rejection of him, he was in pain again. Not so much pain, perhaps. Or not so much pain now. Things could get worse.

  He couldn't just stagger on from one emotional crisis to another, feeling the loss and the hurt every time.

  Bleakly, he made up his mind. Maria would never be his lover again.

  But he couldn't cut her out of his life completely. She had said that she quite liked James, perhaps he could gently bring the two together, show Maria that hers was a pain that could be overcome.

  It was the kind of thing you did for your friend.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Moving like a zombie, Maria undressed, showered, then lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Only the bedside light was left on.

  She knew it was no use trying to sleep, the minute she did pictures would flick across her brain, too vivid to be ignored. The sight of her child in the hospital cot, the sympathy of the Spanish staff, the growing knowledge that all her love and care would be to no avail.

  Then something odd happened. She thought of her own child—and mysteriously his face was changed. It wasn't the face she remembered so well. It was a different face—the face of Tom's James. Maria shivered—and things were back to normal. She was cautious again. Deep relationships weren't for her.

  In fact, her first meeting with Tom after that was a success. It was professional.

  'There's someone waiting to see you,' Molly said when Maria arrived next morning. 'Remember that girl, Tracy McGee? Apparently she's been waiting since before we opened. She looked very worried. I've put her in the waiting room and given her a cup of tea. And I found her a sandwich.'

  'You mean you gave her one of your own sandwiches,' Maria guessed accurately. 'OK. Thanks, Molly, I'll go and get her now.'

  The clinic didn't have the staff to operate a full drop-in policy, but Maria knew that Tom wouldn't want anyone turned away if they could be helped. So she went to find Tracy.

  'Maria, I think I'm losing the baby!' Tracy gasped as soon as Maria entered the waiting room. 'I'm bleeding and I shouldn't be, should I?'

  'Things might not be too bad,' Maria said, trying to be kind and yet not raise any false hopes. 'Let's go to my room. I'll examine you and we'll see what can be done. Now, have you been eating properly? Feeding yourself and the baby? Getting plenty of sleep? And keeping off...other things?'

  'Well, I've tried. Maria, I really want this baby, I don't want to lose it.'

  This was a totally different Tracy from the cool, apparently hard girl Maria had examined before.

  The examination was soon over. Tracy was still undernourished and her BP was still too high. The baby was still small. And Tracy was spotting. Not losing a vast amount of blood, not a full haemorrhage, but enough to cause concern.

  'You're lucky, the doctor's in today,' Maria said.' Now, don't argue, you need to see him. He'll give you a scan, we want to make sure your baby's still OK. And I'll be with him.'

  'Will I be all right, then?'

  'Whatever the result of the scan, you need bed rest. The doctor may want you to go to hospital for an overnight stay.'

  'I'm not going to the hospital!'

  'Tracy, for the sake of your baby, you may have to.'

  Maria reached for the phone. This would get the first meeting with Tom over quite easily. She put on her professional voice. 'Dr Ramsey? If you're free, I have a patient here I'd like you to look at. I think she might need a scan.'

  'I'll be there at once.' Was it her imagination or was there relief in his voice, too?

  He arrived in her room almost at once, looking every inch the professional in his glistening white coat. Tracy looked at him, obviously nor knowing whether to be fearful or aggressive. But Tom won her over almost at once.

  'Tracy, the one thing men can't do is have babies. That's why I get a great kick out of helping women to do just that. Are you looking forward to having your baby?'

  'Of course I am!'

  'And a little bit nervous?'

  Tracy looked at him cautiously. 'Wouldn't you be nervous?'

  'I'd be terrified,' Tom said cheerfully. 'And I'd be glad of help.' He picked up Maria's notes, looked at them briefly. 'Now, I know you've been over all this with Midwife Wyatt here, but if you can be bothered I'd like you to tell me exactly how long this has been going on. Then I'll just have a quick squint at your baby through the scanner and we'll see where we go from there.'

  By now Tracy was calmer. She chatted away quite casually to Tom, telling him something of the flat she shared with her partner, about how she'd like to get married but he didn't see the point.

  'Is your partner looking forward to being a father?' Tom asked.

  This time Tracy scowled. 'He just wants his own easy life,' she said.

  But she cheered up when Tom explained what he was going to do and after the porter had wheeled in the portable machine, she allowed herself to be scanned.

  'Baby's not very big and the heart rate is just about all right,' said Tom. 'But that's at the moment. Tracy, you came here because you were spotting. This is not necessarily serious but it can lead to worse things. You've just got to have bed rest and monitoring at regular intervals. I'm going to phone the hospital and arrange it. Perhaps after a night or two you'll be discharged.'

  'I'm not going to any hospital! My mam died there.'

  If you don't go to hospital,' Tom said, 'your baby could die.'

  Maria winced, and looked from Tom to Tracy. She knew that Tom had spoken so bluntly on purpose. It wasn't like him but he wanted, needed to shock Tracy. And he had succeeded. Tracy went white and licked her lips.

 
'You think so?' she whispered.

  'Your baby stands the best chance if you go to hospital now. I can't force you to go, but I strongly recommend it. And Midwife Wyatt here feels the same.'

  'You bet I do,' said Maria.

  'All right, then, I'll go to hospital. Just for a couple of days.'

  'I know you don't want to go by ambulance, so Midwife Wyatt here might take you in her car.'

  'Right, then,' said Maria. 'If you phone the hospital, I'll get Tracy here prepared. All right, Tracy?'

  'I'm relying on you two,' said Tracy.

  'Late tomorrow afternoon,' Tom said next day, 'I've got a meeting at hospital that I daren't miss. Could you stay behind here at the clinic for a while? It's just that there's to be a delivery of toys from St Fillan's Workshops. And I know that Paul and a couple of his friends are coming in the van, and they'd be delighted to see you.'

  'And I'd love to see Paul again,' she said. 'I'll happily wait.'

  She was very pleased to see Paul again. Together they opened the boxes and checked them. Paul demonstrated how some of the toys worked. Then she showed him the playrooms and the rest room and her treatment room. And after that they had the tea and biscuits she had brought in.

  'You will come and see us again, won't you?' Paul asked her as they left.

  'Of course I'll come to see you. I'm already looking forward to it. And Dr Ramsey will come, too.'

  Maria waved back at those enthusiastically waving goodbye and then went to the staff lounge and made herself a coffee. It had been a hard, if productive day and she was tired. For a moment she could close her eyes.

  'Not sleeping on the job? I must be working you too hard.'

  Maria blinked and looked up to see Tom standing in the doorway. She yawned. 'Not asleep. Just resting my eyes.'

  'Of course. Did the delivery go OK?'

  'No problem at all. Paul was sorry you weren't here. I said you'd be certain to call in again at the workshop.'

  I'd like that. Perhaps we could go together.'