A Child To Call Her Own

by Gill Sanderson

  'Perhaps,' she said. 'Or I might drop in on my own and—'

  The phone rang. Tom was nearest and took the call. Maria frowned. The clinic was usually closed at night so people didn't ring at this time.

  'Yes, you are lucky to find me here,' she heard Tom say, 'I am supposed to be off duty now and I— How serious is she?' His voice rose. 'And I'm the only doctor available? No, you can't send her off in an ambulance. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Make sure there's an anaesthetist handy and a scrub nurse and so on. And you'll have to find me a junior nurse to look after my four-year-old son; I'll be bringing him in with me. He can stay the night in one of the parents' flats...they can't all be full!'

  Tom crashed down the phone. 'Emergency call-in,' he said. 'Apparently I'm the only doctor they can locate who's not working, ill or on holiday. But my mother's away for the night and I'm looking after James. He'll have to sleep at the hospital somewhere. This would happen tonight!'

  Then he looked at her. 'Would you look after James for the night?'

  Maria flinched. 'Tom, you know how upset I get when I have to deal with young children. And this isn't just a question of talking to him for a while, putting green face paint on. I'd have to feed him, bath him, read him a story, perhaps get up in the night if he's disturbed. Tom I don't think I could do it.'

  'You've done it before. With your own child.'

  'And all the time I'd be reminded of my own James. I'd see his face, half believe he was still alive!'

  .'I think you could manage, Maria. But, no matter, we'll work something out at the hospital. See you tomorrow.'

  He was on his way to the door before she spoke. 'OK, I'll do it. I'll stay the night with James in your house. I have been there before.'

  Now he seemed doubtful. 'I've talked you into this, Maria. I've made you feel guilty, I've not thought of what you—'

  'You're wasting time,' she snapped. 'There's someone waiting for you at the hospital who needs your attention. Give me the keys to your house and we'll put James in my car. Then you can go.'

  She could tell that it was the thought of the patient waiting for him that convinced him. 'All right. Let's do it. But if there's any emergency you're to phone me and—'

  'There won't be an emergency. James and I get on very well. Let's go and tell him what's happening.'

  'Right,' he said.

  Maria heard Tom come in in the middle of the night. She was in James's room, there was a spare bed in there as well. She heard his car outside, and minutes later the bedroom door was quietly pushed open. She had left a nightlight on, knew that he could see that James was fine, and that she was asleep.

  Of course, she wasn't asleep. But she didn't want any kind of conversation with him, she would feel too vulnerable. So she breathed like a woman asleep and after a moment the door was gently shut. Then she felt rather disappointed.

  The three of them sat down to breakfast together. 'How did it go, then?' Tom asked.

  'Maria read me an extra-long story,' James said. 'We had a super time, Dad. Can she come again?'

  'Perhaps,' said Tom. 'If she can find the time.'

  'I think I can find the time, if I'm asked,' Maria said. 'And I thoroughly enjoyed staying with you, James. It was great.' She looked at Tom as she spoke, and knew that he had received her message.

  'No problems, then?' he asked, apparently casually.

  'Just getting used to things I hadn't done for a while. But I remembered and then things were OK.'

  'That's good. And, look, we're even twenty minutes early. James, just for once, you can go and watch a video.'

  'I want to watch the pirates.' James scurried away.

  She was alone with Tom now. 'So how did it go?' he asked.

  She was honest. 'Very hard at first. I got nearly tearful a couple of times. But then I fell into a rhythm and I coped.'

  'But not something you'd want to do every day?'

  She had to be honest. 'Not quite yet. At times it was stressful.'

  'At times,' he said. 'Well, that's a start. What do you think about an occasional trip out, just the three of us? Nothing heavy, just enjoying ourselves.'

  'Yes,' she said after a while. 'I think I could manage that. In fact, I think I'd like it.' Then something else struck her. 'What about the case you went in to deal with? Everything go all right?'

  He smiled. 'Good news. Do the right thing at the right time—a very simple thing but with great consequences. No one could quite work out what it was. But eventually we did, we treated it and the patient will survive.'

  'And that makes you happy?'

  'I'll bet you know how happy it makes me. Now, time for us to go to work.'

  * * *

  That night Tom lay in his own bed and stared into the dark. Sleep was evading him, he was thinking about Maria.

  They seemed to have struck up a new, curious relationship. They were still easy with each other, enjoyed each other's company. They worked well together. And he felt that he had helped her overcome a little of the pain that she had been feeling.

  Was there no chance of returning to the way things had been between them? The way he thought things might have been that glorious night when they had slept together? He guessed, not really. So it was as well to keep some distance between them. He must give up that vision of a future with her that had seemed so full of promise. He'd make do with what he had.

  CHAPTER SIX

  He peered round her door in the middle of Monday morning. Maria was sitting at her desk, looking through the paperwork that was a vital part of every midwife's job. She thought Tom looked a little apprehensive.

  'Quick question,' he said. 'You don't need to answer at once, you can think about it. There's a place in Ellesmere Port called the Blue Planet. It's a sort of wonderful aquarium. James has been talking about it for weeks, and I said I'd take him next weekend.'

  'I've heard of it. It sounds a great place, you'll both enjoy it. But what's the question?'

  'James wants to ask you to come, too. So I thought I'd give you warning, give you a chance to think about your answer.'

  After a moment's thought, she said, 'A week ago I would have said no. I'd have been scared of going out with a little boy. But things seemed to be changing with me. I think I'd like to go.'

  'Good. I'll tell him he can come down at lunchtime and ask you in person.' Tom still seemed a little ill at ease.

  'Do you want me to come with you?' she asked.

  'Very much so,' he said after a moment. 'It's the kind of things that...friends do together. James and I will enjoy your company.'

  It seemed rather a formal way of putting things, but she knew what he meant. This was not any kind of sexual advance on his part. Well, that's what she had said that she wanted.

  'If he comes to see me in my lunch-break, we can have a chat,' she said. 'I'd like that.'

  For a moment he looked at her in silence. 'You really would?'

  'I really would like to chat to James for a while,' she said.

  'Right. He'll come.' And Tom was gone.

  Things had been just a bit awkward, Maria felt. But they were easing their way into their new relationship, one of closeness perhaps but with no sexual expression. And a rebel part of her mind taunted her that this was not what she wanted at all.

  James did come to see her a couple of hours later, carrying a leaflet with details of the Blue Planet. They looked at it together, worked out exactly what they would like to see.

  'The sharks can't get out, can they?' James asked, very seriously. "Cos they can kill you.'

  'I don't think the sharks can get out. But there's a pool here where you can dip your hands in to see what underwater creatures feel like.'

  'There are no sharks in that pool?'

  'No sharks in that pool,' Maria assured him.

  'And Daddy says he knows a place nearby where we can go for a sandwich and a milkshake afterwards.'

  'That'd be nice, too.'

  So it was settled.

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sp; It was a good trip to the Blue Planet, James was entranced and Maria shared in his excitement. There was the pool to feel sea urchins and anemones and there were frogmen who fed the fish and waved at them from underwater. There was an underwater glassed-in tunnel through the centre of the vast aquarium, where they could stare at the fish and see the fish staring back at them. When the sharks came close, James clutched her hand tightly. Maria squeezed his hand back and felt a deep emotion that she just didn't want to understand. Being with James was getting better all the time.

  Afterwards they went for the promised sandwich, and a milkshake for James and coffee for her and Tom. James wanted to start colouring in his newly bought book at once, but was persuaded to wait until he got home. He could hardly contain his enthusiasm.

  'That was fantastic, wasn't it, Maria?' he said. 'Have you ever been to an aquarium like that before?'

  'I've been to a place called Marine World,' she said. 'It's on an island called Majorca. There were no sharks but there were dolphins and they jumped out of the water. That was fantastic, too. And afterwards we went to a place called the Green World. And that was full of snakes.'

  James gave a great shudder. 'I don't like snakes,' he said. 'I like sharks better now but I don't like snakes. Did you go to this place on your own?'

  Maria was sitting next to Tom. Without looking at him, she felt his reaction, a stiffening of his body, a quick intake of breath. 'James, you're not eating your sandwich,' he said. 'Don't bother Maria. She wants to—'

  'I did go with someone,' Maria said. 'I went with another little boy and he was called James, too. We had a great time together.'

  'I'll bet you did. But I still don't like snakes.' And James turned his attention to his sandwich.

  Maria lifted her chin, turned to look at Tom. She saw the concern in his eyes.

  'I did go with James and I remember it being a wonderful day.'

  He reached over to squeeze her hand. 'The hard thing is remembering the good times and trying to separate them from the grief that followed,' he said. 'It's something that comes, but it comes slowly.' Then he quickly released her hand.

  'I'm getting there,' she said. 'I'm getting there quite quickly now.'

  He took her back to the nurses' home, and she turned to kiss James before she got out of the car. Tom got out, too. It was dark now and although they stood facing each other it was hard for her to read his features. 'Have you had a good day?' he asked.

  'I've had a wonderful day. I was a bit cautious at first—but James is good company and I've really enjoyed myself.'

  'James is good company?' he asked, mock anger in his voice. 'What about me?'

  'You're always good company. With you I know I'm with a friend.'

  She reached forward and kissed him, too, kissed him quickly so he wouldn't guess what she was feeling, what she was missing. She could feel her body yearning for him but they had made their decision, there was to be nothing like that between them.

  'Goodnight and thank you, Tom,' she said. But she didn't turn to go.

  'Why thank me? I should thank you.'

  She could have cursed herself the moment she'd said it. 'I'm thanking you because you've respected our decision,' she said. 'That we're just good friends.'

  Perhaps there was a flicker of strain in his face. But his voice was calm and pleasant when he said, 'We're just good friends. Of course. What else? It's what we decided. Goodnight, Maria.' Then he turned to go.

  Maria sighed. Why did she say the wrong thing so often?

  Three days later Tom's mother phoned her at work. 'I'm Kate,' she said. It's James's birthday party this weekend. If you're not doing anything special, would you like to come? I gather you've been seeing a lot of him recently. You could help me run the games— and James is very fond of you.'

  'I'd love to come,' Maria said, 'and I'd like to help. Have you asked Tom about inviting me?'

  'I didn't ask Tom, I told him. He said that he knew James wanted you to come.'

  Maria thought quickly. This could be a self-set task—could she manage? 'I've done a lot of running children's parties,' she said eventually. 'It used to be part of my job. Would you like me to come early— help with the catering and getting things ready?'

  'That would be lovely but...dear, you work so hard during the week. Are you sure you want to?'

  'Oh, yes, I want to,' said Maria. 'Well, I think I do.'

  She arrived just after lunch on Saturday. Three hours to party time, plenty of time to get organised. Tom was there in an apron, he seemed to be a little put out by the confident way in which Kate and Maria took over the kitchen. Maria had discussed the menu with Kate, had made suggestions, had promised to bring things along. It was fun, practising skills she hadn't used in years.

  At four o'clock things went badly wrong. Tom had to go into the hospital. He hadn't expected that to happen, but he was second on call, and the other senior registrar was already occupied with an operation.

  'I don't want to miss James's birthday,' he complained to Maria and Kate. 'A little boy is entitled to have his father with him on his birthday.'

  'Some other little boy might not have another birthday if you don't get to the hospital,' Maria tartly pointed out. 'James will miss you. But he'll still have a good time.'

  'Then I'll go,' he said.

  It was a good party. Long forgotten skills came back to Maria, she knew just which shy child to encourage, just which boisterous child to calm down. She knew how long a game should last, she made sure that every child won a prize, apparently through his or her own efforts. And when there was the inevitable spillage, she mopped up and reassured the embarrassed child. It was a good party and at the end she was as exhausted as the children she had entertained.

  'I gather you're an expert on parties,' one of the mums said when she came to collect her child, 'and this has apparently been a really special one. I don't suppose you'd do it professionally, would you? I'd love you to organise my party, and I know no end of people who'd like you to organise theirs.'

  Maria shook her head. 'It's good of you to ask, but I'm a midwife,' she said. 'Most weekends I'm just too tired to do anything but rest.'

  'A pity.' The woman looked shrewdly at Maria. 'You're Dr Ramsey's midwife?'

  'I work in the same clinic as him.'

  'He's a lucky man, having you. I hope he realises it.'

  Maria said nothing.

  James had had a wonderful party but now he was exhausted. As Kate and Maria had a necessary cup of tea, he sat in front of the television, watching a video that had been one of his presents. His head started to droop.

  'You go and bath him and I'll clear up in the kitchen,' Maria said. 'No, don't fuss, I'll be quite happy doing it.'

  So when Kate came back down the kitchen was clean again. 'You'd make a great wife and mother,' she said to Maria.

  They had a glass of wine together. But Tom didn't come back and after a while Maria went back to the nurses' home.

  As she drove she thought about what Kate had said. Obviously it was a hint—and an indication that Kate would be happy if she and Tom got... well, closer. And sadly Maria realised that she had enjoyed being almost a mother. As for being a wife, well, that was not to be thought of.

  A few days later Maria rearranged her morning programme and went to the crèche to show June Roberts how to use the face paints. The morning was a tremendous success. June had brought her camera, would take pictures of the children and promised them a copy each.

  Maria was applying black and gold paint to the face of a little girl, carefully turning her into a tiger. A voice behind her said, 'Oh, dear, it's a wild animal in my clinic.'

  The tiger-faced Emily giggled.

  Maria couldn't help it. Whenever she heard Tom's voice, and wasn't prepared for it, a thrill ran down her spine. It was half excitement, half anxiety. What did he want with her now?

  He came round and crouched in front of Emily. 'Can you growl like a tiger, Emily?' he asked.

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sp; Emily could, and did.

  Maria applied the last line of gold paint and said, 'You're done now. Go and look at yourself in the mirror.' And Emily ran to join the other happily shrieking children.

  'You appear to be quite a success,' Tom said. 'It seems as if you're enjoying yourself.'

  Maria wondered if there was a slight touch of annoyance in his voice. Certainly it had changed in tone since he had spoken to Emily. Why should he be annoyed?

  'It's just for an hour,' she said. 'I'll be getting back to my real work soon.'

  'I'm sure you will.' He frowned, as if something was worrying him. 'James says that you said something about a puppet show at the hospital. That you'd take him if it was all right with me.'

  'Tom, I did and I'm sorry. I should have asked you first but it just slipped out. It's on Friday afternoon, on one of the children's wards. I just thought he might like it. Of course, if you've got something else planned, I—'

  'I've nothing planned for him. Of course he can go. But you know I can't come. I have a clinic then.'

  'I know. I'd have to take him myself.'

  'That's settled, then. Thanks for what you're doing for him, Maria. He appreciates it.' And Tom left.

  Maria looked after him, dismayed. James might appreciate her, but apparently Tom did not. His manner had been decidedly curt. Well, perhaps that was the best way. They had decided to be friends and colleagues, and anything that reminded them of what they had been to each other could only lead to grief. She realised that this was his way of coping with things.

  But she missed the old Tom.

  *

  Tom sat at his desk and pondered.

  He'd left the door of his room half-open—he always did unless he was having a private conversation. It meant he could see what was happening outside and he hoped it meant that other people could see him, know he was part of the team. It was an old saying but a good one. 'My door is always open.'

  Right now, though, he was pleased for a different reason. In a minute or two he knew that Maria would walk past the door. And he would see her walk down the corridor. Just to watch her lithe, long-legged walk gave him pleasure.